krisjharris.com

“If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”

-Ronald Reagan quote on government tendency

Welcome studs and fillies to the DOGE Barn, where you are in for a dancing treat. Your admission fee paid all expenses for barn rental, refreshments, and talent. Nothing was used from any USAID funds. Tonight, our guest Square Dance Caller is none other than Elon Musk’s cousin. His name is Husk Musk, and he hails from the great state of Nebraska. Tonight’s band is an up-and-coming country act that has gotten attention everywhere they’ve played. Please welcome Lonny Layoff and the Slashers. Now everyone mosey to the dance floor.

Husk Musk:
Take your partner here we go, let’s cut waste with the DOGE Do-si-do.
Circle left and move with haste, let’s shrink the government’s spending and waste.
Now spin around tight and fast, what State and Local cuts can be made to last?

(Couples face corners)
Back to your corners and shake a leg, no time to sneeze or cough.
Clap and stomp one and all, State wasted money from the Fed’s Covid trough.

Now swing your partner like she’s a porcelain doll, and don’t you labor.
State Progressives thirst for taxes and fees, and want to bury TABOR.
(Partner trade)
Square through four watch for chickens, and go right round and round.
Climate change, Health and Welfare programs, driving budget into the ground.
Do a partner trade fast as a wink, with a flair and giddy-up that’s fine.
Prioritize down and out Veterans and citizens, to the front of the line.

(Grand right and left)
Lift your partner like a baby in a cradle, don’t drop her tarry or tattle.
Program to reintroduce wolves, more important than ranchers or cattle.
Grand right and left you know one from the other, spin around and clear.
Colorado taxpayers on the hook for inmate calls, $5 million a year.

(Ladies Chain)
Four ladies chain to show your stuff, grab tight and watch your nails.
Colorado roads being ignored and need fixin, are worse than goat trails.
Square your set and don’t you fret, tonight’s hoe down has no pretension.
Downtown Denver is a risky visit, it could use an intervention.

(Partner Up)

(Do-si-do)

We sure hope you enjoyed the dance tonight. On your way out, please stop by the water dunk tank and try your skill at dunking the characters in the clown outfits labeled “Waste and Fraud.” Next week, we will have another surprise guest caller with another theme you’re sure to enjoy focused on Congress critters and the need for term limits, them raking in money while in office, and their salaries, health, and retirement benefits. Y’all come back now hear!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Season’s Greetings!

I was racking my small melon’s frontal lobe for a theme to tie these predictions together. Inspiration struck when I was with my 7-year-old granddaughter, who was passionately singing the praises of Taylor Swift. “She’s mega!” she exclaimed, then asked if I was a “Swiftie.” How could I disappoint my honey-bunny by admitting I wasn’t? Then, like a ton of Travis Kelce trading cards, it hit me: I could use some of Taylor Swift’s song titles as lead-ins for my predictions. So here we go:

“I Hate It Here,” Airport Noise Complaints – Bowing to pressure from noise-averse residents near Vance Brand Airport, the City Council proposes to the FAA that all airplanes using the airport must be eVTOLs (electric vertical take-off and landing) craft and be painted blue and white to blend in with the sky. While appeasing some of the complainers, the hardcore ones still aren’t satisfied and feel that the aircraft shadows would still startle wildlife and their pets. The FAA nixes the proposed changes stating eVTOLs are in their infancy with current battery technology and miles of extension cords are impractical. Instead, they propose that the city issue noise-canceling headphones for the whiners.

“I Forgot That You Existed,” Boulder County Parks and Open Space Regulations – Not satisfied with the multitude of current usage rules for your Parks and Open Space which include:  

All feed provided to livestock while on trails and trailheads must be free of weeds and weed seeds.

Ice fishing is prohibited. (what bait do you use to catch ice?)

Do not feed, disturb, molest, or kill wildlife. (I don’t want to know what qualifies as molesting wildlife)

Boulder County will add these additional regulations:

Vibrant or loud-colored clothing, Speedos, thongs, muffin tops, short shorts, Elmer Fudd costumes, or other provocative clothing that might visually molest the wildlife will not be allowed.

“Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me,” Hotel Longmont Opening – The new “boutique” hotel at 3^rd Avenue and Kimbark Street scheduled to open in 2025 will experience some paranormal activity, ghosts if you will, and not the “Casper” kind. These ghoulies will migrate from the Dickens Opera House/Restaurant next door. They will include: William Dickens, replete with the bullet hole in his back, walking his pet terrier, an actress and her lover being followed by her husband with a knife and a glutenous blob laughing manically in a tuxedo and top hat with a name badge labeled “Mr. Rob The Dummies,” (RTD) carrying a NW FasTracks bag overflowing with $100M.

“I Can See You,” Traffic Intersection Cameras – The Longmont City Council approved the installation of vehicle license plate identification cameras at key intersections next year to assist in fining red-light runners and speeders. Longmonters will be startled early next year when they spot swarms of drones flying over the city at night. City and other officials say they do not know what these are, but there is no cause for alarm. After a camper at the Old Sugar Factory shoots one down. The officials come clean and explain that the drones are measuring heat and cooling signatures from homes and businesses to determine who is wasting energy and where more apartment buildings should be built. Notifications and fines to follow as part of the City’s Sustainability Plan for Energy Efficiency.

Have a safe and sane 2025. Happy New Year!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.” – attributed to Dan Quayle

The 2024 Election is fading in the rearview mirror of the partisan bus that yielded either happy riders or those run over. After such a stressful season of election message bombardment, it is important to remember that Colorado still has a safe and secure voting system with transparency (including passwords) being as important as avoiding sending mailers to encourage non-citizens to register to vote. But that’s all ballots in the trash now. Much like a scuba diver needing to surface slowly and incrementally to avoid the bends, here are some post-election emotional decompression tips:

Political ads: The mudslinging on political ads was epic, and opponents characterized each other as worse than Manson Family members. As part of your recovery, find a person with long fingernails willing to scrape a chalkboard while you chew on a ball of aluminum foil, then listen to a recording of “The Best of Yoko Ono,” while sitting in an ice bath.

Political analysts/polls: Speaking of shrinkage and reputations. There’s a reason analyst starts with “anal,” especially when referring to the political ones. Listening to the constant droning by political analysts and pollsters’ inaccurate predictions made one wonder if their sample size was limited to Caucasian cisgender and transgender males of Slovakian descent who were bald and had at least one visible tattoo. Most were about as accurate as the fire marshall saying a smoking section on the Hindenburg was completely safe. As part of your therapy, it’s suggested you listen to the breakthrough albums “All or Nothing” and “Girl You Know It’s True” by Milli Vanilli, sponsored by Chapstick, sponsor of lip-synching worldwide.

Bumper stickers: Speaking of lips. Many expletives were uttered from motorists on both sides of the political spectrum when viewing the opposing sides sticker. To heal from this divisiveness, I suggest you cover those stickers with something like, “My Child or Grandchild is an Honor Student,” or “I Believe in a Better World Where Chickens Can Cross the Road Without Having Their Motives Questioned.” Try to avoid stickers such as, “We Won, You Lost, Now Get Lost,” or “She’s Just Biden Her Time Until 2028.”

Texts and emails: Speaking of expletives. Annoying texts and emails asking for money and/or support from candidates encroached on our privacy and probably produced a callous on your “delete” finger. To recover from this intrusion, I recommend you subscribe to either “Groupon” or “Living Social,” the biggest spammers around, so at least you feel like someone is offering you a deal and value for your money.

Debates: Speaking of value or lack thereof. At one time in our political election history, debates had a structure and fairness that provided voters with information on a candidate’s position on specific issues. Today’s current debate structure reminds me of my zoo visits to the primate house where the inhabitants flung feces at the glass divider and howled derisively. As part of immersion therapy, I suggest you view recordings of the most raucous British Parliament sessions where polite discourse goes to die. After viewing a few of these, you will have a hard time not believing primates are our distant relatives. I hope these suggestions help you recover your focus on the future and emotional equilibrium. By the way, only 455 days until the 2026 midterm election primaries.

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Hey Jimmie: I’m following the reintroduction of the wolves controversy. A friend of mine is a rancher on the Western Slope and is fit to be tied having lost two calves to these transplants. What do you think should be done to solve this problem?

— Mr. PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals)

Dear PETA: I can empathize with the ranchers seeing their livelihoods threatened by these wolves sneaking up to the all-you-can-eat buffet. The wolves should have been released in Boulder County Open Space. Once someone’s little pet became an appetizer, you can bet the reintroductionistas would howl. If we are going down this wildlife engineering path, I have several suggestions for species reintroductions and de-extinctions into Colorado.

Wolverines. The next reintroduction project on tap is wolverines. Not Hugh Jackman’s Marvel Comics character in need of a manicure, but the powerful and aggressive carnivore built low to the ground that feeds on carrion and medium-sized mammals and has been known to attack sheep, deer, elk and cattle. They shouldn’t be a threat to humans, except vertically challenged hikers.

Surely the technology exists to bring back extinct species a la “Jurassic Park” cloning and AI. These next species are extinct, but why not de-extinct them?

Rocky Mountain locust. Sure they were listed as one of the plagues in Exodus in the Bible, but weren’t they once a valuable member of the food chain before becoming extinct in 1902? Just think, de-extincting them would help take all the vegetation down to the nub, making it easier for the developers to plop more apartment hives down in the state and satisfying the water-use Nazis with Xeriscaping everywhere.

Saber-toothed cat. These large carnivores, with blade-like canine teeth that would make vampires envious, became extinct 8,000 to 10,000 years ago. They hunted large mammals, including humans. Bringing them back would provide a counter to an unchecked wolf population. Once domesticated they could be in high demand as pets for rapper wannabes interested in getting custom gold grillz on their canines.

Dodo bird. No, I’m not referring to a recent presidential candidate. It’s very silly-looking and has several weird traits: It can’t fly, retains juvenile characteristics and has no particular fear of humans as predators. If the dodo were to be brought back, it could be restored to climate-protected habitats since its native habitat was in tropical regions.

TeenRex. Several Tyrannosaurus rex fossils have been found in Colorado, and one “TeenRex” was discovered in North Dakota. Wouldn’t you dig seeing a TeenRex de-extincted a la Jurassic technology into Colorado? Seems like an appropriate release would be at the state Capitol with all wildlife engineering cheerleaders in attendance. I can see the TeenRex adapting quickly to wearing loose shorts and pants below its ample hindquarters and heads down on its large iPhone texting about how all the olds don’t have a clue. Of course, a female version would have to be created, so they could fondle away in public.

Constitutional Guided Statesperson. Time for a de-extincting of statespeople who focus on protecting the citizenry and infrastructure instead of social engineering projects and re-election. A cross between Abraham Lincoln and Thomas Jefferson, or Indira Gandhi and Golda Meir would work. Might take a generation to change. Maybe synthetic people could be created with these characteristics using cloning and AI. The current batch of politicians should be fed to the wolves.

Jimmie St. Vrain claims to be Johnnie St. Vrain’s wiseguy brother. Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

“Thus it is with proud silly people, who think themselves above everyone else, and are too proud to ask or take advice.”

-The Brothers Grimm, The Waters of Life

Once upon a time in a hamlet called “Longmont by the St. Vrain,” ye olde serfs and serfettes ventured with haste to their guild on byways pock marked like an indentured adolescent page’s face. Their carriages groaned and threatened to become sleds as wheels plumbed the bottom of craters ignored past repair ages ago. Scallywags and highwaymen roamed the hamlet from dusk till dawn keening to fleece any valuable or worthy object from thou gainfully employed to quench their demon pleasures, secure in the knowledge any transgression causing apprehension will be treated like a child absconding with a treat from a local confectionary establishment. One day the town council elders took pity on formerly tabbed serfdom and declared in their largesse to provide un-tithed rides around the hamlet on the besmirched RTD nag. Because of that ye olde serfs trumpeted in vain to repair said byways and expunge said scallywags and highwaymen to dungeon or take the healing waters of treatment. Because of that ye council listened as ears underwater and instead increased lucre to their future brethren from tax coffers in years hence and heartily hitched to a proffer to run an iron steed from Cheyenne to Pueblo, bungling the traverse with Longmont wed to the route via Boulderstan and releasing the RTD poltroons from their unfulfilled deceitful nuptials from the Year 2004. Acre after acre of stacked home cubes like ant colonies or beehives overwhelmed the town landscape increasing the byway congestion and thwarting the pride of land or home tenure ownership for generations to come. Because the town council grew weary of tilling the hard soil of policymaking around civic basics like sound infrastructure and citizen safety, they migrated towards serving up resolutions and proclamations forthwith such as: “Committing the community in a shift away from fossil fuels and to transition to 100 percent clean, renewable electricity by 2030,” ” Prohibitions of Nuclear Weapons,” and “No Mow May,” that carried the weight of goose down. Here ye, here ye. Some suggested proclamations the council should consider include: *Climate Change Awareness (Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter Occurrence) *Veterans Month (Not Just a Day) *Tax Reduction Resolution *Cell Phone Moratorium Month *White Guy City Founders Month *Pass a New Law, Remove One from the Books Year *Homeless Road Work Internship Year *Citizen’s Arrest Training Month *Farmer and Rancher Appreciation Month. Taxes and fees along with coinage needed to buy food to ale pressed down on the masses like rain-soaked woolen cloaks. While government waistlines expanded, the serf’s waists constricted. Indolent meddlers foisted their current cultural correct theology on those thinking outside the collective acceptable thought. Until finally out of frustration or hopelessness common folk feasted and frolicked, satisfied with their drink, smoke, magic mushrooms, and Merlin entertainment box offering up theatrics like “Naked and Afraid,” “Jersey Shore Family Vacation,” and “Sister Wives.” They forfeited the desire to control their lives and looked to the “Feudal Oligarchy” as parent, and they lived blissfully beholden to them evermore.

                                    Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Season’s Greetings! These predictions were delayed while I waited for an extraordinary Christmas gift. I received the latest in A.I. (Artificial Intelligence) computer server, (the same model Harvard President Claudine Gay utilizes). The model is called the “HAL 1955.” It arrived from Amazon, promptly unpacked, set itself up and asked what kind of Scotch I had in the house. I made that last line up. We all know A.I. computer servers cannot drink Scotch. They prefer tequila.

HAL – “Enough with your weak human attempt at humor, please proceed to your prediction questions for me.”

Me – “Longmont citizens voted against raising taxes to fund a new branch library, an arts and entertainment center, and additional recreational facilities this past November 7th. What will they do in 2024?”

HAL – “Longmont City Council will again put these same projects on the ballot, along with new proposals for a: Paint by Number Art Museum, Cat Park, Scratch and Sniff Mural depicting Longmont’s agricultural heritage and Climate Change Info Kiosk that details how it gets colder in the winter and warmer in the summer.”

Me – “Visit Longmont determined we needed a community mascot and settled on three choices submitted by the populace: “Sir Monty Longs Peak”, “Monty the Longmonster”, and “Sweetie Ms. Sugar Beet.” Voting concluded December 14^th, with ”Monty the Longmonster” tallying the most votes.”

HAL -“Controversy will arise next year when the results are challenged by a group calling itself, Citizens Require Another Mascot (CRAM) who say they submitted 1,000 write-in votes that weren’t counted for their mascot called “Progmont Pat” who resembled a Bohemian or Hippie styled person in long hair and tie dyed clothes, (gender fluid of course) wearing a “Save the Earth, Humans are the Virus” button and holding Chairman Mao’s “Little Red Book.”

Me – “RTD promised a northwest FasTracks rail line running from Denver to Boulder to Longmont by 2017 and has received more than $250 million from Boulder County with a 4% sales tax that started in 2005. They now estimate providing a train by 2050. What will happen with RTD in 2024?”

HAL – “RTD will delay living up to their northwest FasTracks promise until someone in Boulder County or City government, grows a pa…I mean spine and sues them for this fraud. What should happen to the RTD leadership is they return the $250 million to the taxpayers and the 4% sales tax be canceled. Leadership should also be required to perform community service by riding the downtown Denver to Aurora via Colfax bus route for twenty late weekend nights to mark the 2004 -2024 anniversary of this Ponzi scheme they created.”

Me – “The City Council of Longmont has made proclamations in the past endorsing numerous causes, from “No Mow May,” to “Banning Nuclear Weapons.” What proclamation will they endorse in 2024?”

HAL – “They will issue a proclamation for all of 2024 called, “Exhale Less Year,” and will encourage citizens to purchase and wear specially constructed masks that capture CO2 when exhaled. A City spokesperson will state, “This program will help reduce CO2 which contributes to Climate Change, causing us all to breathe a sigh of relief.” People who purchase the masks will receive an autographed picture of Greta Thunberg or Al Gore.”

Me – “Have a safe and sane 2024. Happy New Year!”

HAL – “Suggest my owner ask more intelligent questions next year.”

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Ask Jimmie St. Vrain

Dear Jimmie – I read back in April that the City Council approved a resolution stating Longmont planned on having zero traffic fatalities on its city streets by 2040. That’s the goal of the city’s “Vision Zero” program. What do you think? Is this realistic or just pie in the sky?

I brake for squirrels

Dear IBFS – I support any realistic attempt to reduce fatalities on our streets. When I saw the program’s name, I assumed  “Vision Zero” referred to a new plan by Boulder County to offer free prairie dogs as adoptable pets or the City of Denver approving the recreational sale of LSD. The Vision Zero Network, which started in Sweden (not too many street racers run Saabs or Volvos), identifies its top three priorities as “managing speed,” “centering equity,” and “engaging communities.”I think this program needs a little more meat on its bones detailing steps to reduce fatalities, like requiring owners to buy small rubber bumper cars, electric, of course, or require pedestrians to don padded Sumo wrestler suits before crossing streets. I’d like to see the “Vision Zero” goal applied to more urgent and doable local issues such as:

Zero RTD Train Tax: Call me impatient, but I can’t wait until 2050 to see our NW FasTracks train come to fruition. Chances are I’ll be riding the “Soul Train.” The bait and switch is well documented. Boulder County has paid $270 million since 2005, with local taxpayers still on the hook for the Ghost Train. Time to push to rescind the tax after divorcing from RTD and sue to get a portion of our money back.

Zero Boulder County Plea Bargains: Crime seems to pay lately with the “slap on the wrist” sentences being handed down. It used to be: “If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.” Now it’s do the crime without hesitation, you’ll get probation.” It’s time for the DA and soft-on crime Representatives to return from their extended vacations and reinstitute mandatory sentences, or maybe it’s time for them to enjoy extended vacations after the next election.

Zero State Property Tax Scheme Depleting TABOR: Mark Twain wrote: “The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.” The “Big Government” Representatives and Governor in the State House have proposed solving property tax pain by looting the TABOR Amendment to redistribute your refund. Thankfully the latest scheme will be on the ballot in November, so keep your hide intact and vote against SB (Senate Bill) 303.

Zero PO Box Ban for City Political Contributions: Talk about picking the fly poo out of the pepper. The City Council voted 4-3 to ban PO Boxes as an allowable address for campaign contributors. Doesn’t this disenfranchise the homeless (unhoused) or people living in their RVs? How about those in the Witness Protection Program reluctant to give Tommy Devito their location? I doubt that George Soros or China contributes to local candidates, so what’s the big deal with the PO Boxes? It’s not as big a deal as a council member using a private server for city business email or lost public communications on a drive. I would venture to guess that those who voted to ban PO Boxes instead of an allowable address for campaign contributors would be the first to howl about requiring a valid photo ID for elections.

Jimmie St. Vrain claims to be Johnnie St. Vrain’s wiseguy brother and Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

“The future ain’t what it used to be.” 

-Yogi Berra 

Dear Jimmie: I worry about the quality of life my kids and grandchildren will have in Longmont with the increased crime, traffic, and high cost of living. Am I just a worrywart and like every other generation before me who thought the world was going to hell in a handbasket? — L. Merfudd

Dear L.: I think the next generations will come up with new advancements that will improve life on Earth if they can avert their attention from a screen. Unlike us, at least they don’t have the threat of nuclear … uh .. never mind. Based on current trends and the fact that I fell asleep watching a documentary about an ant colony, here are some thoughts on where we might be heading by the year 2040.

Longmont is now named Polismont. Longs Peak was changed to Mount Polis in 2030 once the Geographic Naming Coven determined Longs Peak’s namesake, Maj. Stephen Long, had three strikes against him: he was white, in the military and not vegan.

New zoning laws allow individuals 200 square feet and families 500 square feet of living space as determined by the City Residential Allowance Manager, or CRAM for short. All single-family homes, lots and open space have been subdivided into apartment units. No personal ownership of property. People pay a heavily subsidized rental stipend to the government. Utilities are included but are allocated on a monthly per capita basis using a stringent Earth-saving eco tabulation. Once you exceed your monthly allocation, your utilities are cut off or family per capita is reduced. Sweaters and hand fans can be obtained from the “Govmart” discount store.

Due to water rationing, no plants requiring water are allowed except for plots of “unmown” native grasses, formerly known as weeds, grown to facilitate pollinators and mosquitos. Artificial turf is laid on all athletic fields, parks and golf course fairways with sand greens. Showers, no tubs, provide lukewarm water for 10 minutes per week per household. Family time can be enhanced by showering together, and is encouraged. Human sewage is now transported by pneumatic tubes using air pressure and processed into siding and roofing materials (since petroleum-based roofing is banned) by a city partnership with a private company named Eco Excretion, whose motto is “Your Waste is Our Bread and Butter.”

Personal transportation has been outlawed, and RTD has been let off the hook for the FasTracks Northwest Rail Line since Elon Musk’s youngest son, Tusk, invented the mass transporter teleportation machine (ala “Star Trek”), which converts persons or objects into an energy pattern, then sends it to a target location where it is reconverted into matter. The technology has worked well, except for a group of psychiatrists transporting from New Jersey to Las Vegas who were just “beside themselves” after their torsos and lower limbs materialized separately.

All food is now processed into organic, non-GMO, gluten-free, grass-fed, free-range, no added hormones, no nitrates, Heritage, Fair Trade Certified, local farm-to-table wafers, giving new meaning to “three square meals a day.”

The CDC mandates protocols for the new COVID-19 ohmygod variant since they believe this variant can be transmitted via the scalp and feet as well as nose and mouth. Masks and 7.5 feet of social distancing return. Women’s or men’s cotton underwear briefs are required for the head. Disposable coverings or empty Kleenex tissue boxes for the feet.

Maybe I have too pessimistic a view of the future, so just remember the immortal words of former Vice President Dan Quayle: “The future will be better tomorrow.”

Jimmie St. Vrain claims to be Johnnie St. Vrain’s wise guy brother. Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.