krisjharris.com

Hey Jimmie: I’m following the reintroduction of the wolves controversy. A friend of mine is a rancher on the Western Slope and is fit to be tied having lost two calves to these transplants. What do you think should be done to solve this problem?

— Mr. PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals)

Dear PETA: I can empathize with the ranchers seeing their livelihoods threatened by these wolves sneaking up to the all-you-can-eat buffet. The wolves should have been released in Boulder County Open Space. Once someone’s little pet became an appetizer, you can bet the reintroductionistas would howl. If we are going down this wildlife engineering path, I have several suggestions for species reintroductions and de-extinctions into Colorado.

Wolverines. The next reintroduction project on tap is wolverines. Not Hugh Jackman’s Marvel Comics character in need of a manicure, but the powerful and aggressive carnivore built low to the ground that feeds on carrion and medium-sized mammals and has been known to attack sheep, deer, elk and cattle. They shouldn’t be a threat to humans, except vertically challenged hikers.

Surely the technology exists to bring back extinct species a la “Jurassic Park” cloning and AI. These next species are extinct, but why not de-extinct them?

Rocky Mountain locust. Sure they were listed as one of the plagues in Exodus in the Bible, but weren’t they once a valuable member of the food chain before becoming extinct in 1902? Just think, de-extincting them would help take all the vegetation down to the nub, making it easier for the developers to plop more apartment hives down in the state and satisfying the water-use Nazis with Xeriscaping everywhere.

Saber-toothed cat. These large carnivores, with blade-like canine teeth that would make vampires envious, became extinct 8,000 to 10,000 years ago. They hunted large mammals, including humans. Bringing them back would provide a counter to an unchecked wolf population. Once domesticated they could be in high demand as pets for rapper wannabes interested in getting custom gold grillz on their canines.

Dodo bird. No, I’m not referring to a recent presidential candidate. It’s very silly-looking and has several weird traits: It can’t fly, retains juvenile characteristics and has no particular fear of humans as predators. If the dodo were to be brought back, it could be restored to climate-protected habitats since its native habitat was in tropical regions.

TeenRex. Several Tyrannosaurus rex fossils have been found in Colorado, and one “TeenRex” was discovered in North Dakota. Wouldn’t you dig seeing a TeenRex de-extincted a la Jurassic technology into Colorado? Seems like an appropriate release would be at the state Capitol with all wildlife engineering cheerleaders in attendance. I can see the TeenRex adapting quickly to wearing loose shorts and pants below its ample hindquarters and heads down on its large iPhone texting about how all the olds don’t have a clue. Of course, a female version would have to be created, so they could fondle away in public.

Constitutional Guided Statesperson. Time for a de-extincting of statespeople who focus on protecting the citizenry and infrastructure instead of social engineering projects and re-election. A cross between Abraham Lincoln and Thomas Jefferson, or Indira Gandhi and Golda Meir would work. Might take a generation to change. Maybe synthetic people could be created with these characteristics using cloning and AI. The current batch of politicians should be fed to the wolves.

Jimmie St. Vrain claims to be Johnnie St. Vrain’s wiseguy brother. Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

“Thus it is with proud silly people, who think themselves above everyone else, and are too proud to ask or take advice.”

-The Brothers Grimm, The Waters of Life

Once upon a time in a hamlet called “Longmont by the St. Vrain,” ye olde serfs and serfettes ventured with haste to their guild on byways pock marked like an indentured adolescent page’s face. Their carriages groaned and threatened to become sleds as wheels plumbed the bottom of craters ignored past repair ages ago. Scallywags and highwaymen roamed the hamlet from dusk till dawn keening to fleece any valuable or worthy object from thou gainfully employed to quench their demon pleasures, secure in the knowledge any transgression causing apprehension will be treated like a child absconding with a treat from a local confectionary establishment. One day the town council elders took pity on formerly tabbed serfdom and declared in their largesse to provide un-tithed rides around the hamlet on the besmirched RTD nag. Because of that ye olde serfs trumpeted in vain to repair said byways and expunge said scallywags and highwaymen to dungeon or take the healing waters of treatment. Because of that ye council listened as ears underwater and instead increased lucre to their future brethren from tax coffers in years hence and heartily hitched to a proffer to run an iron steed from Cheyenne to Pueblo, bungling the traverse with Longmont wed to the route via Boulderstan and releasing the RTD poltroons from their unfulfilled deceitful nuptials from the Year 2004. Acre after acre of stacked home cubes like ant colonies or beehives overwhelmed the town landscape increasing the byway congestion and thwarting the pride of land or home tenure ownership for generations to come. Because the town council grew weary of tilling the hard soil of policymaking around civic basics like sound infrastructure and citizen safety, they migrated towards serving up resolutions and proclamations forthwith such as: “Committing the community in a shift away from fossil fuels and to transition to 100 percent clean, renewable electricity by 2030,” ” Prohibitions of Nuclear Weapons,” and “No Mow May,” that carried the weight of goose down. Here ye, here ye. Some suggested proclamations the council should consider include: *Climate Change Awareness (Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter Occurrence) *Veterans Month (Not Just a Day) *Tax Reduction Resolution *Cell Phone Moratorium Month *White Guy City Founders Month *Pass a New Law, Remove One from the Books Year *Homeless Road Work Internship Year *Citizen’s Arrest Training Month *Farmer and Rancher Appreciation Month. Taxes and fees along with coinage needed to buy food to ale pressed down on the masses like rain-soaked woolen cloaks. While government waistlines expanded, the serf’s waists constricted. Indolent meddlers foisted their current cultural correct theology on those thinking outside the collective acceptable thought. Until finally out of frustration or hopelessness common folk feasted and frolicked, satisfied with their drink, smoke, magic mushrooms, and Merlin entertainment box offering up theatrics like “Naked and Afraid,” “Jersey Shore Family Vacation,” and “Sister Wives.” They forfeited the desire to control their lives and looked to the “Feudal Oligarchy” as parent, and they lived blissfully beholden to them evermore.

                                    Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Season’s Greetings! These predictions were delayed while I waited for an extraordinary Christmas gift. I received the latest in A.I. (Artificial Intelligence) computer server, (the same model Harvard President Claudine Gay utilizes). The model is called the “HAL 1955.” It arrived from Amazon, promptly unpacked, set itself up and asked what kind of Scotch I had in the house. I made that last line up. We all know A.I. computer servers cannot drink Scotch. They prefer tequila.

HAL – “Enough with your weak human attempt at humor, please proceed to your prediction questions for me.”

Me – “Longmont citizens voted against raising taxes to fund a new branch library, an arts and entertainment center, and additional recreational facilities this past November 7th. What will they do in 2024?”

HAL – “Longmont City Council will again put these same projects on the ballot, along with new proposals for a: Paint by Number Art Museum, Cat Park, Scratch and Sniff Mural depicting Longmont’s agricultural heritage and Climate Change Info Kiosk that details how it gets colder in the winter and warmer in the summer.”

Me – “Visit Longmont determined we needed a community mascot and settled on three choices submitted by the populace: “Sir Monty Longs Peak”, “Monty the Longmonster”, and “Sweetie Ms. Sugar Beet.” Voting concluded December 14^th, with ”Monty the Longmonster” tallying the most votes.”

HAL -“Controversy will arise next year when the results are challenged by a group calling itself, Citizens Require Another Mascot (CRAM) who say they submitted 1,000 write-in votes that weren’t counted for their mascot called “Progmont Pat” who resembled a Bohemian or Hippie styled person in long hair and tie dyed clothes, (gender fluid of course) wearing a “Save the Earth, Humans are the Virus” button and holding Chairman Mao’s “Little Red Book.”

Me – “RTD promised a northwest FasTracks rail line running from Denver to Boulder to Longmont by 2017 and has received more than $250 million from Boulder County with a 4% sales tax that started in 2005. They now estimate providing a train by 2050. What will happen with RTD in 2024?”

HAL – “RTD will delay living up to their northwest FasTracks promise until someone in Boulder County or City government, grows a pa…I mean spine and sues them for this fraud. What should happen to the RTD leadership is they return the $250 million to the taxpayers and the 4% sales tax be canceled. Leadership should also be required to perform community service by riding the downtown Denver to Aurora via Colfax bus route for twenty late weekend nights to mark the 2004 -2024 anniversary of this Ponzi scheme they created.”

Me – “The City Council of Longmont has made proclamations in the past endorsing numerous causes, from “No Mow May,” to “Banning Nuclear Weapons.” What proclamation will they endorse in 2024?”

HAL – “They will issue a proclamation for all of 2024 called, “Exhale Less Year,” and will encourage citizens to purchase and wear specially constructed masks that capture CO2 when exhaled. A City spokesperson will state, “This program will help reduce CO2 which contributes to Climate Change, causing us all to breathe a sigh of relief.” People who purchase the masks will receive an autographed picture of Greta Thunberg or Al Gore.”

Me – “Have a safe and sane 2024. Happy New Year!”

HAL – “Suggest my owner ask more intelligent questions next year.”

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Ask Jimmie St. Vrain

Dear Jimmie – I read back in April that the City Council approved a resolution stating Longmont planned on having zero traffic fatalities on its city streets by 2040. That’s the goal of the city’s “Vision Zero” program. What do you think? Is this realistic or just pie in the sky?

I brake for squirrels

Dear IBFS – I support any realistic attempt to reduce fatalities on our streets. When I saw the program’s name, I assumed  “Vision Zero” referred to a new plan by Boulder County to offer free prairie dogs as adoptable pets or the City of Denver approving the recreational sale of LSD. The Vision Zero Network, which started in Sweden (not too many street racers run Saabs or Volvos), identifies its top three priorities as “managing speed,” “centering equity,” and “engaging communities.”I think this program needs a little more meat on its bones detailing steps to reduce fatalities, like requiring owners to buy small rubber bumper cars, electric, of course, or require pedestrians to don padded Sumo wrestler suits before crossing streets. I’d like to see the “Vision Zero” goal applied to more urgent and doable local issues such as:

Zero RTD Train Tax: Call me impatient, but I can’t wait until 2050 to see our NW FasTracks train come to fruition. Chances are I’ll be riding the “Soul Train.” The bait and switch is well documented. Boulder County has paid $270 million since 2005, with local taxpayers still on the hook for the Ghost Train. Time to push to rescind the tax after divorcing from RTD and sue to get a portion of our money back.

Zero Boulder County Plea Bargains: Crime seems to pay lately with the “slap on the wrist” sentences being handed down. It used to be: “If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.” Now it’s do the crime without hesitation, you’ll get probation.” It’s time for the DA and soft-on crime Representatives to return from their extended vacations and reinstitute mandatory sentences, or maybe it’s time for them to enjoy extended vacations after the next election.

Zero State Property Tax Scheme Depleting TABOR: Mark Twain wrote: “The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.” The “Big Government” Representatives and Governor in the State House have proposed solving property tax pain by looting the TABOR Amendment to redistribute your refund. Thankfully the latest scheme will be on the ballot in November, so keep your hide intact and vote against SB (Senate Bill) 303.

Zero PO Box Ban for City Political Contributions: Talk about picking the fly poo out of the pepper. The City Council voted 4-3 to ban PO Boxes as an allowable address for campaign contributors. Doesn’t this disenfranchise the homeless (unhoused) or people living in their RVs? How about those in the Witness Protection Program reluctant to give Tommy Devito their location? I doubt that George Soros or China contributes to local candidates, so what’s the big deal with the PO Boxes? It’s not as big a deal as a council member using a private server for city business email or lost public communications on a drive. I would venture to guess that those who voted to ban PO Boxes instead of an allowable address for campaign contributors would be the first to howl about requiring a valid photo ID for elections.

Jimmie St. Vrain claims to be Johnnie St. Vrain’s wiseguy brother and Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

“The future ain’t what it used to be.” 

-Yogi Berra 

Dear Jimmie: I worry about the quality of life my kids and grandchildren will have in Longmont with the increased crime, traffic, and high cost of living. Am I just a worrywart and like every other generation before me who thought the world was going to hell in a handbasket? — L. Merfudd

Dear L.: I think the next generations will come up with new advancements that will improve life on Earth if they can avert their attention from a screen. Unlike us, at least they don’t have the threat of nuclear … uh .. never mind. Based on current trends and the fact that I fell asleep watching a documentary about an ant colony, here are some thoughts on where we might be heading by the year 2040.

Longmont is now named Polismont. Longs Peak was changed to Mount Polis in 2030 once the Geographic Naming Coven determined Longs Peak’s namesake, Maj. Stephen Long, had three strikes against him: he was white, in the military and not vegan.

New zoning laws allow individuals 200 square feet and families 500 square feet of living space as determined by the City Residential Allowance Manager, or CRAM for short. All single-family homes, lots and open space have been subdivided into apartment units. No personal ownership of property. People pay a heavily subsidized rental stipend to the government. Utilities are included but are allocated on a monthly per capita basis using a stringent Earth-saving eco tabulation. Once you exceed your monthly allocation, your utilities are cut off or family per capita is reduced. Sweaters and hand fans can be obtained from the “Govmart” discount store.

Due to water rationing, no plants requiring water are allowed except for plots of “unmown” native grasses, formerly known as weeds, grown to facilitate pollinators and mosquitos. Artificial turf is laid on all athletic fields, parks and golf course fairways with sand greens. Showers, no tubs, provide lukewarm water for 10 minutes per week per household. Family time can be enhanced by showering together, and is encouraged. Human sewage is now transported by pneumatic tubes using air pressure and processed into siding and roofing materials (since petroleum-based roofing is banned) by a city partnership with a private company named Eco Excretion, whose motto is “Your Waste is Our Bread and Butter.”

Personal transportation has been outlawed, and RTD has been let off the hook for the FasTracks Northwest Rail Line since Elon Musk’s youngest son, Tusk, invented the mass transporter teleportation machine (ala “Star Trek”), which converts persons or objects into an energy pattern, then sends it to a target location where it is reconverted into matter. The technology has worked well, except for a group of psychiatrists transporting from New Jersey to Las Vegas who were just “beside themselves” after their torsos and lower limbs materialized separately.

All food is now processed into organic, non-GMO, gluten-free, grass-fed, free-range, no added hormones, no nitrates, Heritage, Fair Trade Certified, local farm-to-table wafers, giving new meaning to “three square meals a day.”

The CDC mandates protocols for the new COVID-19 ohmygod variant since they believe this variant can be transmitted via the scalp and feet as well as nose and mouth. Masks and 7.5 feet of social distancing return. Women’s or men’s cotton underwear briefs are required for the head. Disposable coverings or empty Kleenex tissue boxes for the feet.

Maybe I have too pessimistic a view of the future, so just remember the immortal words of former Vice President Dan Quayle: “The future will be better tomorrow.”

Jimmie St. Vrain claims to be Johnnie St. Vrain’s wise guy brother. Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Greetings, Masked Marauders. I want to assure you all efforts have been made to vaccinate & boost this year’s predictions from the following dreaded writing viruses: obvious predictability, “dime a dozen” cliches, lack of pacing, like you know sentences that are too long or have too many words in them, unrealistic situations and characters, failure to check if they’re are misused or mispeled words and this horrible variant I’ve really, really tried to avoid: extreme snarkiness masquerading as sarcasm. Speaking of masquerading…

…Longmont City Council, in an effort to quell the adverse reactions to holding virtual meetings again, implement a concession by having cardboard cutouts or bobblehead dolls of the mayor and themselves sitting in the chamber with video monitors in front of them broadcasting the virtual meeting feed. The public can attend the meetings in person and comment as long as they are masked, practicing social distancing, provide proof of vaccination and are not concealing any rotten tomatoes. Speaking of produce, like sugar beets…

…Starting next year, public comments will be taken on redeveloping the sugar factory and STEAM area (science, technology, education and arts) on 250 acres southeast of Longmont. I predict some sugar factory ideas suggested will include, a Willy Wonka Candy Museum, indoor mall including Dillard’s clothing store, toilet paper distribution center and my personal favorite: new indoor swimming pool, ice skating/hockey arena, recreation center and sports bar housed in the newly named “Sugar Cube.” Speaking of cubes or other shapes…

…The Boulder County Commissioners will announce one of the 2022 Environmental Sustainability Grants recipientsto Longmont for its proposed funding of $100,000. This grant will support a company named “Nice to Have Gnome You,” which reduces the land needed for cemeteries by taking cremation remains and using heat and pressure to compress your loved ones into decorative yard gnomes. Their slogan is, “Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust, Displaying Your Gnome is a Must!” Speaking of Gnomes and Covid experts…

…A new Covid variant will be discovered called “pharmarichhysteriacocus.” Symptoms include excessive media verbal panic diarrhea, uncontrolled head shaking/finger-wagging in public, mask-wearing while driving, sleeping and showering. The new booster for this variant must be administered in the buttocks using an Amazonian indigenous native’s blowgun to get the dart deep enough. Speaking of posteriors…

…RTD will agree to refund a portion of the tax collected since 2004 for the “Ghost” FasTracks train line for Boulder County. It’s estimated over $270M has been sent to RTD since the tax was approved. While they will agree in principle to a partial refund, they first need to commission a study to determine the correct amount. The cost of the study is estimated to be $269.9M. A refund would be made after study completion late next year. Speaking of next year…

…Hope you have a safe and sane holiday and a wonderful 2022. Happy New Year!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

“Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.”

                                         -Groucho Marx

Hollywood has served up a constant stream of superhero characters and movies over the last few decades. While I enjoyed the first Batman and Superman films, many of the recent offerings seemed to keep plot lines that guarantee sequels. The diversity of superheroes has naturally spread beyond Bruce Wayne/Batman, trust fund baby and Clark Kent/Superman, alien immigrant with perfect teeth who now can date Lois Lane and Jimmy Olson in a single bound. A more diverse lineup now includes Thor, a Nordic guy with an anger problem due to being force-fed lutefisk as a child, Wonder Woman, an exotic isolated island female likely to pummel you for saying she is attractive, and the mystical Doctor Strange (not Fauci). A superhero demographic that Hollywood hasn’t satisfactorily represented is one for the “seasoned citizens,” anyone over 65, including me. My over 65 superhero would be called, “50 Shades of Grey Owl.” His mask would be like a hockey goalie’s with an owl graphic and “Tommy” inscribed on the side. Why Tommy? “Tommy” was an album by the “Who” get it who and an owl? His costume would have an “expansion waist,” belt, suspenders and extra-long shirttail to prevent “superhero crack.” He is also ever vigilant nocturnally since he has to hit the bathroom 2-3 times a night anyway. His protective arsenal consists of a blood pressure cuff he swings like a bolo. He would have aerosolized forms of his drug prescriptions to spray on adversaries that would cause painful side effects and disablement. Especially effective would be his Viagra which would cause male criminals to “high center” themselves while running to escape and Fibercon, which would force criminals to immediately seek a restroom. The “Owl” would enlist his sidekick grandson, the “Red Rumped Parrot” adorned in a green mask with nose piercings, too small T-shirt, jean shorts cinched below his hips with bright red boxer shorts bringing up the rear, to drive their Oldsmobile 98 car when he’s not gaming or working at the local vape shop. When not fighting senior internet, telephone or door to door scammers, the “Owl” is a mild-mannered samba and pickleball instructor at a local Senior Center named Tab Fresca who depends on the “Parrot” to monitor the police scanner and social media to find their next hoodlum to bring to justice. During his downtime, our superhero can be found at the Senior Center playing cribbage or backgammon with his other superhero allies, including former proctologist Doctor Ben Dover who moonlights as “The Wild Impaler” and massage therapist Rolf Kneader who turns into “The Boa Constrictor.” Some possible movie titles starring the Grey Owl and friends could be: “Raiders of the Lost AARP,” Honey I Shrunk the Prostate,” and “Mission Impossible – Finding Missing Dentures on RTD.”

Back to reality. I believe every person that’s crossed into senior citizenry deserves superhero status for tolerating:

*Ads for drugs with side effects the Marquis de Sade couldn’t duplicate.

*Rude behavior from “Fast and Furious” wannabe punks while you’re obeying traffic laws.

*Lectures from “wet behind the ears noobs” blaming older generations for ruining their future. Guess they didn’t learn about the defeat of Nazis, Imperial Japan and the Soviet Union or the air and water pollution cleaned up in the 1960s.

*Entertainment industry portraying us oldsters as cranky, confused, slow, drooling nincompoops. (I’ll accept drooling, but I’m not slow).

So, give a senior citizen an air-hug or fist bump today. They might not have anyone else in their life that makes them feel appreciated. Be careful of any drool!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Dear Jimmie – I read Longmont’s City Council passed a “Healthy Beverages for Children’s Meals” ordinance that would require restaurants serving what they’ve designated to be children’s meals to make unsweetened water or milk the preferred options with those kids’ meals. Seems like another “Nanny State” overreach. What do you think?

Ankle Biter Herder

Dear ABH – I think you’re looking at this all wrong. This is an opportune time to suggest other ordinances for the City Council to consider and implement. I’ve gathered some from around the country that merit consideration and embellished them in bolded/italics:

-Alabama: Elephants must not be placed in electric ovens. But can be placed in an approved microwave or toaster oven.

-California: A frog that dies during a frog-jumping contest cannot be eaten and must be “destroyed” as soon as possible. But a city permit can be purchased by a licensed chef to humanely remove their legs for future cooking and eating.

-Colorado:Cats must be fitted with a tail light if sneaking out of the house. But only after dusk, and it hasn’t left a note telling where it’s going.

-Delaware: It’s a misdemeanor to sell, barter, or offer the fur of a domestic dog or cat. But a city permit can be purchased that waives the misdemeanor if that fur is used in a work of art.

-Idaho:Cannibalism is strictly prohibited and punishable by up to 14 years in prison. However, the law is allowed under “life-threatening conditions as the only apparent means of survival,” according to the Idaho State Legislature. But make sure to eat a Clif Bar, not your friend Cliff.

-Missouri: If a bull or ram over the age of one year runs rampant for more than three days, any person may castrate the animal without assuming liability for damage. But should be performed by a professional after the animal has stopped running rampant.

-Oregon: A dead person cannot be required to serve on a jury. But they shall have the right to vote.

-West Virginia: It’s illegal to substitute a ferret for a hunting dog. But a miniature horse or potbellied pig emotional support animal is ok as long as it’s wearing a fluorescent hunting vest.

Here are a couple more suggested ordinances I’ve come up with that merit consideration:

-Require Bar and Restaurant mandated drink and food portion size restrictions based on an individual’s BMI weight calculation measured by a server using the new electronic girth utility tool “GUT.”

-Covid masks only on until you are seated in an eating establishment. Does this offer the best protection? How about disposable tent-shaped table condoms where a server can slide your food and drink to you near the floor.

I’m sure you can come up with some other ordinances for consideration. Oh, I almost forgot. The disposable tent-shaped table condoms could be requested as paper or plastic.

Jimmie St. Vrain claims to be Johnnie St. Vrain’s wise guy brother. Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.