krisjharris.com

Season’s Greetings!

These predictions were chosen from a list of other possibilities using a methodical scientific formula including being scored on a Nextdoor Panic Comments index (“What’s that loud noise?” “Why are those wind chimes moving?” “Why is that Dairy Delivery Truck up at 4 am?”) Combined with a TC Line Fixation index (Airplanes make noise. Apartments are breeding like bunnies. Roads stink.) *These predictions are speculative, like your brother-in-law’s stock tips or the State of Colorado’s formula for getting a Tabor refund.

“No Vikings” Protest – Several Boulder County protesters get confused and stage a “No Vikings” protest. They show up at the Boulder County Courthouse with professional-looking signs stating: “Thor Had a Tiny Hammer,” “Greta Thunberg Disowns Her Heritage,” “Raping, Burning, and Pillaging Caused Climate Change,” “Your Helmets Weren’t Horny.” Other protesters set them straight, saying it’s a “No Kings” with a K protest.

“Much Bolder Boulder” – A huge piece of the Flatirons breaks off, undoubtedly due to Trump’s cutbacks of the Park Service, and rolls down to the edge of Chatauqua Park. It has an uncanny resemblance to Al Gore and immediately becomes a worshipped shrine surrounded by disappearing glacier Snow Globes, Kombucha cartons, and eco-friendly beeswax and cotton-wick candles, bio-degradable, of course.

“Word Wardens” – The Longmont City Council will issue a proclamation stating that the following words must be replaced with acceptable substitutes to be used during Council meetings and in all City correspondence: She, He, Her, Him is now: Personhood Decider Strategist / Father, Mother is now: Genetic Contributing Units and Overseers / Illegal Immigrant is now: Border Averse Paperwork Non-Completist / Convicted Criminal is now: Legally Determined Rules Avoider / City Budget is now: Tax Repository Flux Capacitor / Obese is now: Nutritional Endowed Capacity / Ugly is now: Visual Avoidance Precursor / Master Plan is now: Over-encompassing Directional Dictates.

“RTD Full of It” – Embarrassed by their vacuous ridership numbers, RTD pays $500K for a study that uses AI to determine how to increase ridership. The study listed the following suggestions: 1. Hire Security on Buses/Trains on high-crime routes. 2. Privatize outlying metro routes. 3. Re-route the proposed Front Range Rail service on a direct line to Denver from Longmont. Include Boulder on a continuation of the Westminster FasTracks. So, after careful consideration RTD ignores the study and decides to load their buses and trains with mannequins painted with famous actors and athletes faces to try and generate curiosity and interest from the general public to give public transportation a try. A spokesperson for RTD commented, “It’s neat to see people point and take pictures of the “Manny Quinns” as we call them.

“Mushroom Cloud” – With Boulder having three healing centers offering supervised psychedelic mushroom therapy sessions, I predict cannabis, peyote, cocaine, glue sniffing, and eventually fentanyl and methamphetamine will soon be added to the “therapy” menu, once legalized in the State. Please remember! These are Tobacco Free Zones! No Smoking or Chewing!

“Mulch Mansion” – With the City Council nixing a Boulder County Compost facility on the Distel-Tull Open Space, they decide on locating the new facility at the current Sugar Factory site. A City spokesperson named Polly Anna said this location passed the smell test and had been fermenting in the minds of the City Council and Managers for weeks, and it would be a waste of time and effort to scrap this location.

Have a Happy 2026!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Hello Jimmie – I read and hear about the world going to hell in a handbasket every day. I’m worried about the breakdown of civility in our discourse, the government shutdown, the Ukraine War, Middle East trouble, crime and violence in our cities, inflation, and the possible collapse of the economy due to the debt. Everything is spiraling out of control. My wife says I’m a worrywart. I tell her she has her head in the sand. What worries you most these dark days?

–Mr. Chik N. Little

Dear Mr. Little –

You raise some valid concerns, but I’ll tell you what keeps me up at night (literally) is the lack of restrooms on golf courses, particularly in Longmont. Oh, sure, there is usually one available for each nine holes, but based on personal and friends’ experiences, this is like the lifeboat count on the Titanic – not enough! The lack of restrooms on the golf course leads to behavior that isn’t usually condoned in polite society, such as “inspecting the trees,” “dousing the daffodils,” “shaking hands with the boss,” “adjusting the lake’s pH,” or, more commonly, urinating on the course. Besides being prohibited by the authorities, residents living around the course can be forced to witness pee-pee perpetrators taking their stance, which includes: 1.) Nervous Nellie, who presses into the bushes or tree branches with their head on a swivel, hoping no one notices them resembling a meercat with a prostate condition. 2.) Mr. Multitasker, who has one hand on himself and the other on the mobile phone glued to his ear, praying he doesn’t hit “FaceTime.” 3.) The Jolly Green Giant, stands with his hands on his hips, having taken them off the throttle nonchalantly, admiring the flora while dousing. Besides leading to some angry neighbor complaints, this behavior can result in serious legal ramifications for the perpetrators if someone captures them in the act on video or in a picture and submits it to the police. Possible indecent exposure charges could result. I shared this with my brother Johnnie, and he said I would have no chance of prosecution for indecent exposure, even with being filmed, due to a lack of evidence. I pity the golfers who identify as biological women who lack the anatomical bail-out options like men to make their bladders gladder. I saw a funnel device on “YouTube” that a woman could wear that had a stem that would allow a woman to stand and deliver similar to men, called “YourTube,” but it would interfere with their golf swing. I strongly urge golfers to relieve themselves of hesitation and pressure their Public and Private course officials to finally offer some genuine relief—by planting a few more “Port-a-Potties” where they’re needed most. Because honestly, how long are we supposed to hold it—through 18 holes, three energy drinks, and maybe an adult beverage or two—before someone starts watering the rough out of desperation? It’s not as if adding a few extra rest stops will drain the budget; surely the funds can flow toward this pressing matter before tempers (and bladders) burst. Let’s not keep this vital improvement on hold any longer. In the almost words of John Lennon and Yoko Ono, “All we are saying is give pees a chance.”

Jimmie St. Vrain claims to be Johnnie St. Vrain’s wiseguy brother and Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

The State of Colorado was called back into a special session to address a $1 billion shortfall. Democrats blamed the “Big Beautiful Bill” for reducing revenue streams. Republicans see the deficit as a product of years of overspending and reject the idea that Washington alone is to blame for the crisis. No matter what or who is to blame, we’ll need real solutions to fix this shortfall. Here are my ideas:

*Sell Denver, Boulder, and Aspen to California: Their attitudes and politics are aligned, and Governor Brylcreem would be stoked to ski Aspen with his natural “hair gelled helmet.” City names would have to change; for instance, Aspen would be renamed Malibu with Moguls, Denver would become Far East LA., and Boulder would be Hinono’eiteen (Arapaho) for the Native Americans who once lived there. Imagine we could ask $100 million for each city. Remember, Cali has money to burn and estimates spending $135 billion for their high-speed ghost train from San Francisco to LA by the 2030s, sound familiar, RTD?

*Sell Weld County to Wyoming: They’ve been threatening to do it, so cut them loose, but Colorado would retain 50% of the mineral rights revenue for 20 years, but heaven forbid wanting the natural gas or oil produced, since “good vibes” and solar panels duct taped to Teslas will save the energy by 2030. Estimate at least $100 million in revenue.

*Sell State Capital Dome Gold: Scrape, melt down, and sell the 65 ounces of gold in the leaf covering out Capital Dome. At $3,500 per ounce, that is approximately $228K. To the ruling elite, the gold represents a symbol of the white colonizers who plundered the state at the expense of native inhabitants. The gold could be replaced with a mural of Colorado wildlife, indigenous people, and Greta Thunberg.

*Privatize State Government Functions: Many states contract out services to realize cost-saving efficiencies. Consider privatizing Workers’ Compensation Insurance, Road Maintenance and Infrastructure, Child Support Enforcement and Behavioral Health, and Affordable Housing. This would mean layoffs in State Government, but these individuals should be able to find jobs in the private sector, or do as President Biden suggested to laid-off Energy workers and learn to code.

*Great American Cannabis Festival: Hold a state-sponsored festival like the Great American Beer Festival. Guests could sample herb from legal producers and would be issued bubble helmets to keep their sampling self-contained because sharing is so pre-pandemic. Major corporate food sponsors could be enlisted, like Domino’s Pizza, Frito-Lay (Doritos), and Krispy Kreme. This could be a “high” revenue generator for the state.

*Scavenger Wolf Hunt: With wolves here, we might as well generate some revenue from them. Sell tickets foran annual contest where individuals search for and photograph a wolf and send it to contest organizers, who determine if the find is legitimate with their GPS tracking system. The individual with the most wolf’s ID’d over a couple of days wins the Grand Prize: A Dinner with Governor Polis and his partner, Marlon, prepared by famous chef Wolfgang Puck.

*Corporate Naming Rights: Sell naming rights on select infrastructure, like the future RTD Longmont to Boulder to Denver rail line could be called the “Kellogg’s Fruit Loop” or “Off the Beaten Path Travel Company.” Numerous pothole-pocked bridges exist on I-70 from Denver to the Kansas border. How about “Kraft Swiss Cheese,” “Midas Shock Absorbers,” or “W(hole) Foods,” bridges?”

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Hello Jimmie: I’m ecstatic that the Colorado Supreme Court ruled a Boulder city/county lawsuit seeking to hold two of the state’s largest oil and gas companies financially responsible for climate-change damages can move forward. What are your thoughts? — Ms. Edie Indooser

Dear Edie: Why stop at just suing these companies? If Boulder city/county and supporters are serious, they should go “all-in” and cut themselves off from all fossil fuel-related services and products, for example:

Electricity — Say adios to coal and natural gas-generated power. Sure, you might get rolling blackouts relying on intermittent renewables, but you can bundle up in winter and strip down in summer. Park the EV and walk or bike — great cardio, especially when hauling 50 pounds of groceries from Whole Foods. Imagine the bonding as you teach the grandkids how to can food while reading actual books by candlelight.

Clothing — Petrochemicals are used in 60% of clothing. Think synthetics: polyester, nylon, rayon, etc. You could buy organic cotton and hemp, but they are harvested and shipped using fossil fuels. Maybe buy some sheep, spin the wool, and make your clothes. Hemp as underwear might irritate, so there’s the rub. Without spandex or moisture-wicking workout synthetics, you really would be “Sweating to the Oldies,” RIP Richard Simmons. Shoes use synthetic materials too. There are always wooden shoes or moccasins, but you might have to skip the “Bolder Boulder” next year.

Construction materials — Say so long to steel, cement, or glass. These building blocks of an advanced society require very high temperatures, often achieved using fossil fuels. You could revert to using materials used before fossil fuels use, pre-1900, to build log cabins, sod homes or adobe huts, but these living structures without windows might seem claustrophobic. Stacked stone and sod are not structurally conducive to building apartments unless your tenants are birds or squirrels.

Asphalt — Who needs potholes filled with this petroleum derivative, especially when you won’t be driving as often. This would put a kink in new and resurfacing road, bike and bus lanes, with cement/concrete also being on the avoidance list. Although you could support use of dirt and gravel, crushed stone, cobblestone or wooden planks from sustainably locally harvested without added toxic binders, coatings, preservatives, and pesticides or even better: recycled, salvaged, recovered, or reclaimed.

Electronic equipment – To demonstrate your fossil fuel divorce bona fides, you would have to scrap your cell phone, tablet, computer, flat screen TV, and any other device containing plastic produced with petrochemicals. But think of the upside — you won’t be bombarded with annoying ads pushing personal hygiene products or pharmaceuticals with minor side effects such as death. Texts and spam emails from your long-lost benefactor in Nigeria will cease, as well as “Nextdoor” notices regarding panic over suspicious odors or noises occurring at 2 am!

Medicine – Even medications, homeopathic products, and vitamins are dependent upon petroleum. Don’t worry, you’ll have time to harvest medicinal herbs or discover folk medicine cures since quitting the informational rat-race. Did you know that vodka, when sprayed on feet, can cure foot odor? Do this at home, not in your favorite drinking establishment. Manuka honey can be applied to chafing skin to disinfect. This will come in handy after wearing your new hemp underwear.

Jimmie St. Vrain claims to be Johnnie St. Vrain’s wiseguy brother. Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

“If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”

-Ronald Reagan quote on government tendency

Welcome studs and fillies to the DOGE Barn, where you are in for a dancing treat. Your admission fee paid all expenses for barn rental, refreshments, and talent. Nothing was used from any USAID funds. Tonight, our guest Square Dance Caller is none other than Elon Musk’s cousin. His name is Husk Musk, and he hails from the great state of Nebraska. Tonight’s band is an up-and-coming country act that has gotten attention everywhere they’ve played. Please welcome Lonny Layoff and the Slashers. Now everyone mosey to the dance floor.

Husk Musk:
Take your partner here we go, let’s cut waste with the DOGE Do-si-do.
Circle left and move with haste, let’s shrink the government’s spending and waste.
Now spin around tight and fast, what State and Local cuts can be made to last?

(Couples face corners)
Back to your corners and shake a leg, no time to sneeze or cough.
Clap and stomp one and all, State wasted money from the Fed’s Covid trough.

Now swing your partner like she’s a porcelain doll, and don’t you labor.
State Progressives thirst for taxes and fees, and want to bury TABOR.
(Partner trade)
Square through four watch for chickens, and go right round and round.
Climate change, Health and Welfare programs, driving budget into the ground.
Do a partner trade fast as a wink, with a flair and giddy-up that’s fine.
Prioritize down and out Veterans and citizens, to the front of the line.

(Grand right and left)
Lift your partner like a baby in a cradle, don’t drop her tarry or tattle.
Program to reintroduce wolves, more important than ranchers or cattle.
Grand right and left you know one from the other, spin around and clear.
Colorado taxpayers on the hook for inmate calls, $5 million a year.

(Ladies Chain)
Four ladies chain to show your stuff, grab tight and watch your nails.
Colorado roads being ignored and need fixin, are worse than goat trails.
Square your set and don’t you fret, tonight’s hoe down has no pretension.
Downtown Denver is a risky visit, it could use an intervention.

(Partner Up)

(Do-si-do)

We sure hope you enjoyed the dance tonight. On your way out, please stop by the water dunk tank and try your skill at dunking the characters in the clown outfits labeled “Waste and Fraud.” Next week, we will have another surprise guest caller with another theme you’re sure to enjoy focused on Congress critters and the need for term limits, them raking in money while in office, and their salaries, health, and retirement benefits. Y’all come back now hear!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Season’s Greetings!

I was racking my small melon’s frontal lobe for a theme to tie these predictions together. Inspiration struck when I was with my 7-year-old granddaughter, who was passionately singing the praises of Taylor Swift. “She’s mega!” she exclaimed, then asked if I was a “Swiftie.” How could I disappoint my honey-bunny by admitting I wasn’t? Then, like a ton of Travis Kelce trading cards, it hit me: I could use some of Taylor Swift’s song titles as lead-ins for my predictions. So here we go:

“I Hate It Here,” Airport Noise Complaints – Bowing to pressure from noise-averse residents near Vance Brand Airport, the City Council proposes to the FAA that all airplanes using the airport must be eVTOLs (electric vertical take-off and landing) craft and be painted blue and white to blend in with the sky. While appeasing some of the complainers, the hardcore ones still aren’t satisfied and feel that the aircraft shadows would still startle wildlife and their pets. The FAA nixes the proposed changes stating eVTOLs are in their infancy with current battery technology and miles of extension cords are impractical. Instead, they propose that the city issue noise-canceling headphones for the whiners.

“I Forgot That You Existed,” Boulder County Parks and Open Space Regulations – Not satisfied with the multitude of current usage rules for your Parks and Open Space which include:  

All feed provided to livestock while on trails and trailheads must be free of weeds and weed seeds.

Ice fishing is prohibited. (what bait do you use to catch ice?)

Do not feed, disturb, molest, or kill wildlife. (I don’t want to know what qualifies as molesting wildlife)

Boulder County will add these additional regulations:

Vibrant or loud-colored clothing, Speedos, thongs, muffin tops, short shorts, Elmer Fudd costumes, or other provocative clothing that might visually molest the wildlife will not be allowed.

“Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me,” Hotel Longmont Opening – The new “boutique” hotel at 3^rd Avenue and Kimbark Street scheduled to open in 2025 will experience some paranormal activity, ghosts if you will, and not the “Casper” kind. These ghoulies will migrate from the Dickens Opera House/Restaurant next door. They will include: William Dickens, replete with the bullet hole in his back, walking his pet terrier, an actress and her lover being followed by her husband with a knife and a glutenous blob laughing manically in a tuxedo and top hat with a name badge labeled “Mr. Rob The Dummies,” (RTD) carrying a NW FasTracks bag overflowing with $100M.

“I Can See You,” Traffic Intersection Cameras – The Longmont City Council approved the installation of vehicle license plate identification cameras at key intersections next year to assist in fining red-light runners and speeders. Longmonters will be startled early next year when they spot swarms of drones flying over the city at night. City and other officials say they do not know what these are, but there is no cause for alarm. After a camper at the Old Sugar Factory shoots one down. The officials come clean and explain that the drones are measuring heat and cooling signatures from homes and businesses to determine who is wasting energy and where more apartment buildings should be built. Notifications and fines to follow as part of the City’s Sustainability Plan for Energy Efficiency.

Have a safe and sane 2025. Happy New Year!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.” – attributed to Dan Quayle

The 2024 Election is fading in the rearview mirror of the partisan bus that yielded either happy riders or those run over. After such a stressful season of election message bombardment, it is important to remember that Colorado still has a safe and secure voting system with transparency (including passwords) being as important as avoiding sending mailers to encourage non-citizens to register to vote. But that’s all ballots in the trash now. Much like a scuba diver needing to surface slowly and incrementally to avoid the bends, here are some post-election emotional decompression tips:

Political ads: The mudslinging on political ads was epic, and opponents characterized each other as worse than Manson Family members. As part of your recovery, find a person with long fingernails willing to scrape a chalkboard while you chew on a ball of aluminum foil, then listen to a recording of “The Best of Yoko Ono,” while sitting in an ice bath.

Political analysts/polls: Speaking of shrinkage and reputations. There’s a reason analyst starts with “anal,” especially when referring to the political ones. Listening to the constant droning by political analysts and pollsters’ inaccurate predictions made one wonder if their sample size was limited to Caucasian cisgender and transgender males of Slovakian descent who were bald and had at least one visible tattoo. Most were about as accurate as the fire marshall saying a smoking section on the Hindenburg was completely safe. As part of your therapy, it’s suggested you listen to the breakthrough albums “All or Nothing” and “Girl You Know It’s True” by Milli Vanilli, sponsored by Chapstick, sponsor of lip-synching worldwide.

Bumper stickers: Speaking of lips. Many expletives were uttered from motorists on both sides of the political spectrum when viewing the opposing sides sticker. To heal from this divisiveness, I suggest you cover those stickers with something like, “My Child or Grandchild is an Honor Student,” or “I Believe in a Better World Where Chickens Can Cross the Road Without Having Their Motives Questioned.” Try to avoid stickers such as, “We Won, You Lost, Now Get Lost,” or “She’s Just Biden Her Time Until 2028.”

Texts and emails: Speaking of expletives. Annoying texts and emails asking for money and/or support from candidates encroached on our privacy and probably produced a callous on your “delete” finger. To recover from this intrusion, I recommend you subscribe to either “Groupon” or “Living Social,” the biggest spammers around, so at least you feel like someone is offering you a deal and value for your money.

Debates: Speaking of value or lack thereof. At one time in our political election history, debates had a structure and fairness that provided voters with information on a candidate’s position on specific issues. Today’s current debate structure reminds me of my zoo visits to the primate house where the inhabitants flung feces at the glass divider and howled derisively. As part of immersion therapy, I suggest you view recordings of the most raucous British Parliament sessions where polite discourse goes to die. After viewing a few of these, you will have a hard time not believing primates are our distant relatives. I hope these suggestions help you recover your focus on the future and emotional equilibrium. By the way, only 455 days until the 2026 midterm election primaries.

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Hey Jimmie: I’m following the reintroduction of the wolves controversy. A friend of mine is a rancher on the Western Slope and is fit to be tied having lost two calves to these transplants. What do you think should be done to solve this problem?

— Mr. PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals)

Dear PETA: I can empathize with the ranchers seeing their livelihoods threatened by these wolves sneaking up to the all-you-can-eat buffet. The wolves should have been released in Boulder County Open Space. Once someone’s little pet became an appetizer, you can bet the reintroductionistas would howl. If we are going down this wildlife engineering path, I have several suggestions for species reintroductions and de-extinctions into Colorado.

Wolverines. The next reintroduction project on tap is wolverines. Not Hugh Jackman’s Marvel Comics character in need of a manicure, but the powerful and aggressive carnivore built low to the ground that feeds on carrion and medium-sized mammals and has been known to attack sheep, deer, elk and cattle. They shouldn’t be a threat to humans, except vertically challenged hikers.

Surely the technology exists to bring back extinct species a la “Jurassic Park” cloning and AI. These next species are extinct, but why not de-extinct them?

Rocky Mountain locust. Sure they were listed as one of the plagues in Exodus in the Bible, but weren’t they once a valuable member of the food chain before becoming extinct in 1902? Just think, de-extincting them would help take all the vegetation down to the nub, making it easier for the developers to plop more apartment hives down in the state and satisfying the water-use Nazis with Xeriscaping everywhere.

Saber-toothed cat. These large carnivores, with blade-like canine teeth that would make vampires envious, became extinct 8,000 to 10,000 years ago. They hunted large mammals, including humans. Bringing them back would provide a counter to an unchecked wolf population. Once domesticated they could be in high demand as pets for rapper wannabes interested in getting custom gold grillz on their canines.

Dodo bird. No, I’m not referring to a recent presidential candidate. It’s very silly-looking and has several weird traits: It can’t fly, retains juvenile characteristics and has no particular fear of humans as predators. If the dodo were to be brought back, it could be restored to climate-protected habitats since its native habitat was in tropical regions.

TeenRex. Several Tyrannosaurus rex fossils have been found in Colorado, and one “TeenRex” was discovered in North Dakota. Wouldn’t you dig seeing a TeenRex de-extincted a la Jurassic technology into Colorado? Seems like an appropriate release would be at the state Capitol with all wildlife engineering cheerleaders in attendance. I can see the TeenRex adapting quickly to wearing loose shorts and pants below its ample hindquarters and heads down on its large iPhone texting about how all the olds don’t have a clue. Of course, a female version would have to be created, so they could fondle away in public.

Constitutional Guided Statesperson. Time for a de-extincting of statespeople who focus on protecting the citizenry and infrastructure instead of social engineering projects and re-election. A cross between Abraham Lincoln and Thomas Jefferson, or Indira Gandhi and Golda Meir would work. Might take a generation to change. Maybe synthetic people could be created with these characteristics using cloning and AI. The current batch of politicians should be fed to the wolves.

Jimmie St. Vrain claims to be Johnnie St. Vrain’s wiseguy brother. Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

“Thus it is with proud silly people, who think themselves above everyone else, and are too proud to ask or take advice.”

-The Brothers Grimm, The Waters of Life

Once upon a time in a hamlet called “Longmont by the St. Vrain,” ye olde serfs and serfettes ventured with haste to their guild on byways pock marked like an indentured adolescent page’s face. Their carriages groaned and threatened to become sleds as wheels plumbed the bottom of craters ignored past repair ages ago. Scallywags and highwaymen roamed the hamlet from dusk till dawn keening to fleece any valuable or worthy object from thou gainfully employed to quench their demon pleasures, secure in the knowledge any transgression causing apprehension will be treated like a child absconding with a treat from a local confectionary establishment. One day the town council elders took pity on formerly tabbed serfdom and declared in their largesse to provide un-tithed rides around the hamlet on the besmirched RTD nag. Because of that ye olde serfs trumpeted in vain to repair said byways and expunge said scallywags and highwaymen to dungeon or take the healing waters of treatment. Because of that ye council listened as ears underwater and instead increased lucre to their future brethren from tax coffers in years hence and heartily hitched to a proffer to run an iron steed from Cheyenne to Pueblo, bungling the traverse with Longmont wed to the route via Boulderstan and releasing the RTD poltroons from their unfulfilled deceitful nuptials from the Year 2004. Acre after acre of stacked home cubes like ant colonies or beehives overwhelmed the town landscape increasing the byway congestion and thwarting the pride of land or home tenure ownership for generations to come. Because the town council grew weary of tilling the hard soil of policymaking around civic basics like sound infrastructure and citizen safety, they migrated towards serving up resolutions and proclamations forthwith such as: “Committing the community in a shift away from fossil fuels and to transition to 100 percent clean, renewable electricity by 2030,” ” Prohibitions of Nuclear Weapons,” and “No Mow May,” that carried the weight of goose down. Here ye, here ye. Some suggested proclamations the council should consider include: *Climate Change Awareness (Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter Occurrence) *Veterans Month (Not Just a Day) *Tax Reduction Resolution *Cell Phone Moratorium Month *White Guy City Founders Month *Pass a New Law, Remove One from the Books Year *Homeless Road Work Internship Year *Citizen’s Arrest Training Month *Farmer and Rancher Appreciation Month. Taxes and fees along with coinage needed to buy food to ale pressed down on the masses like rain-soaked woolen cloaks. While government waistlines expanded, the serf’s waists constricted. Indolent meddlers foisted their current cultural correct theology on those thinking outside the collective acceptable thought. Until finally out of frustration or hopelessness common folk feasted and frolicked, satisfied with their drink, smoke, magic mushrooms, and Merlin entertainment box offering up theatrics like “Naked and Afraid,” “Jersey Shore Family Vacation,” and “Sister Wives.” They forfeited the desire to control their lives and looked to the “Feudal Oligarchy” as parent, and they lived blissfully beholden to them evermore.

                                    Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Season’s Greetings! These predictions were delayed while I waited for an extraordinary Christmas gift. I received the latest in A.I. (Artificial Intelligence) computer server, (the same model Harvard President Claudine Gay utilizes). The model is called the “HAL 1955.” It arrived from Amazon, promptly unpacked, set itself up and asked what kind of Scotch I had in the house. I made that last line up. We all know A.I. computer servers cannot drink Scotch. They prefer tequila.

HAL – “Enough with your weak human attempt at humor, please proceed to your prediction questions for me.”

Me – “Longmont citizens voted against raising taxes to fund a new branch library, an arts and entertainment center, and additional recreational facilities this past November 7th. What will they do in 2024?”

HAL – “Longmont City Council will again put these same projects on the ballot, along with new proposals for a: Paint by Number Art Museum, Cat Park, Scratch and Sniff Mural depicting Longmont’s agricultural heritage and Climate Change Info Kiosk that details how it gets colder in the winter and warmer in the summer.”

Me – “Visit Longmont determined we needed a community mascot and settled on three choices submitted by the populace: “Sir Monty Longs Peak”, “Monty the Longmonster”, and “Sweetie Ms. Sugar Beet.” Voting concluded December 14^th, with ”Monty the Longmonster” tallying the most votes.”

HAL -“Controversy will arise next year when the results are challenged by a group calling itself, Citizens Require Another Mascot (CRAM) who say they submitted 1,000 write-in votes that weren’t counted for their mascot called “Progmont Pat” who resembled a Bohemian or Hippie styled person in long hair and tie dyed clothes, (gender fluid of course) wearing a “Save the Earth, Humans are the Virus” button and holding Chairman Mao’s “Little Red Book.”

Me – “RTD promised a northwest FasTracks rail line running from Denver to Boulder to Longmont by 2017 and has received more than $250 million from Boulder County with a 4% sales tax that started in 2005. They now estimate providing a train by 2050. What will happen with RTD in 2024?”

HAL – “RTD will delay living up to their northwest FasTracks promise until someone in Boulder County or City government, grows a pa…I mean spine and sues them for this fraud. What should happen to the RTD leadership is they return the $250 million to the taxpayers and the 4% sales tax be canceled. Leadership should also be required to perform community service by riding the downtown Denver to Aurora via Colfax bus route for twenty late weekend nights to mark the 2004 -2024 anniversary of this Ponzi scheme they created.”

Me – “The City Council of Longmont has made proclamations in the past endorsing numerous causes, from “No Mow May,” to “Banning Nuclear Weapons.” What proclamation will they endorse in 2024?”

HAL – “They will issue a proclamation for all of 2024 called, “Exhale Less Year,” and will encourage citizens to purchase and wear specially constructed masks that capture CO2 when exhaled. A City spokesperson will state, “This program will help reduce CO2 which contributes to Climate Change, causing us all to breathe a sigh of relief.” People who purchase the masks will receive an autographed picture of Greta Thunberg or Al Gore.”

Me – “Have a safe and sane 2024. Happy New Year!”

HAL – “Suggest my owner ask more intelligent questions next year.”

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.