Author: krisjharris55@gmail.com (Page 5 of 6)

Movies seemed easier to follow back in my youth (yes they were in color and had sound). I remember walking 3 miles uphill thru blizzards to the old “Trojan” Theatre on Main to catch the latest “flick.” Most were original works, not sequel, prequel, interquel, midquel or sidequel and very few remakes. Today, seems the “unique story” well has dried up, what with 29 Godzilla sequels, 12 Friday the 13^th sequel/prequels, Star Wars and Rocky with 6 or more, just to name a few. Over the past few years, I’ve thrown out some “Predictions” for the New Year and was mistakenly using a snow globe instead of a crystal ball to look into the future….sorry for the “snow job.” This year, in honor of all the pending film awards shows like the Academy Awards, Golden Globes, Screen Actors Guild and lesser known Severance, CO Film “Cuts and Nuts Festival,” the following are my movie “Nyquels” (non-actors placed into movie sequels. Do not drive, operate machinery, or do anything else that could be dangerous immediately after you read these mind droppings) I’d like to see on the big screen in 2015.

Misery II – Writer Paul (Democratic Party), puts it in the ditch again and his biggest fan Annie (Hillary Clinton) takes him to her cabin to have him all to herself. Instead of “hobbling” him this time, she makes him read her already prepared 2016 Presidential Acceptance Speech. Paul thinks “Hobbling” doesn’t seem so painful now.

The Three Stooges: Lyon, Sachs & Doodee PR Firm – the boys, Moe (John Boehner), Larry (Mitch McConnell) and Curly (Jonathan Gruber) open a Public Relations Firm teaching others how to learn their “Doodee” method of interacting, including: 1. Feigned Respect for the Public 2. Feigned Outrage 3. Feigned Taking Action 4. Feigned We Tried 5. Feigned Contriteness.

Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights 2 – Katey (Barack Obama) returns to a kinder gentler Cuba to find Javier (Raul Castro) so they can win another dance contest together. Naturally Javier leads.

You’ve got Mail: Ballot Bother– Kathleen (Boulder County Clerk Hillary Hall) corresponds with a mystery man via the internet Joe (CO State Treasurer Scott Gessler) whom she adores online, but despises in person, because his office always makes a big deal about the uncertified Boulder County election results. Kathleen decides Joe will take her to dinner at the Flagstaff House, even if the Canvass Board votes against certifying this action.

The Sting: Road Con – Henry, Johnny and JJ (Boulder County Commissars) divert millions from road repair and maintenance over to new County Building construction and Open Space purchases. When confronted with this travesty they employee the “Doodee” method.

Gone With the Wind: Carpetbaggers – Scarlett (Longmont citizens) find themselves at the mercy of the Denver Carpetbaggers (RTD) who continue to suck up local taxes to benefit Denver RTD Projects including “Light Rail.” Rail has been “sidetracked” here. The movie ends with Scarlett looking West down 1^st and Main where a train station was planned. As the sun sets she utters these famous words again, “After all, tomorrow is another day!”

Well gotta go. These Nyquels might never get made unless North Korea takes an interest, so enjoy the next sequel of “Rambo vs the Syrian Regular Army,” sponsored by “Metamucil.”

                              (Dedicated to “Parnac” and the Sultans of Swing)
For eons, mankind has competed in games of skill, when not being eaten by a sabre tooth tiger or womankind demanding they find a new decorative rock to go next to the cave entrance. Early Altoidazoic era cave paintings show a figure, let’s call him Eg, throwing what looks like a long club into a body of water. Another figure, Nawg, is holding his club above his head standing on one leg. Appears to be an early representation of golf and Eg has evidently lost his wife to Nawg in a prehistoric wager. At least Eg was off the hook on finding the decorative rock. Want to boil the human condition down to its basic elements, easily viewable? Then get thee to a golf course. Shakespeare wrote, “All the World’s a Stage.” If he would have been a golfer with a banana slice, he would have said, “All the 1st Tee Boxes are a Stage, press on Will, pray don’t shank thee!”

Meaning of Life – You’ve taken lessons, used grip and swing aids, yet you’re laser darts on the practice range turn into “spray not stream settings” on the golf course. The harder you work to hone your mechanics, the worse your handicap and enjoyment gets. You scream, “why am I here, what’s my purpose?” The others in your foursome look supportive, then burst out laughing and chime in, “your purpose meat, is to entertain us and continue to grow our drink fund with your stellar play.” Golf, like life is not fair, but allows free will. “To lay up or not to lay up, that is the question – Whether ‘tis Nobler to suffer the fairway sand or the lake and out of bounds surrounding the green on the Par 5.”

Search for Gratification – Golf, like life is not always about individual rewards, there is satisfaction in rewarding others. We want to make a difference, contribute. “But….Alas poor Jim! I knew him; a guy with a sense of humor, very patient; until I let him down as a partner in our match plays; he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now sneers, “win a hole or pay for my chiropractor, cause I’ve been carrying an extra 220 lbs. around all year!”

Sense of Curiosity – You play in a foursome with one of the “SDs.” Rare beings that carry a single digit handicap or lower, who venture down from “Mount Olympus,” to play with mere mortals occasionally. Their putts run to the hole like prairie dogs scurrying to their burrows. You wonder, what makes this skill possible? Is it the putter they’re using? You notice it’s the latest “Scotty Cameron” putter. “A Cameron, a Cameron, my kingdom for a Cameron!” You get your “Cameron,” and discover, it’s not the putting tool, it’s the tool putting it.

Awareness of the Inescapability of Death – You need to keep hydrated on the golf course during the summer. After water, beer for sure, you’ll need to visit, “the facilities.” Your mind is “Spock-like” focused on the back 9, you shoot your best round. You walk triumphantly up to the patio to join your wife and others for a drink, to share your proud moment. The tables are full. You’re halfway to her table and, that’s weird, the conversations stop. You look around and one of your supportive buddies says, “Hey, Sailor Neds trying to take a little shore leave,” pointing at your “Midshipman.” (fly zipper) Oh death where is thy sting? A man can die but once, embarrassment lives on. Well gotta go. “Parting is such sweet sorrow. Yonder lawn beckons me to hew its excess greenery. Was that driver the SD was swinging, Ping or Taylor Made?”

I caught a glimpse of the figure edging down the sidewalk towards me. My wife and I were moving ambulatory aids (walkers, crutches and canes) from our church over to the Longmont Elks Club last summer. The figure was a small man moving painfully slow with a noticeable limp. As he moved tentatively closer to me, I could see he was hunched over in clothes that hadn’t found a day off recently. His face was creased and brown from dirt and too much time not sheltered under roof. Bloodshot eyes glanced up then away from me, either too much drink or crying….probably both. My wife had taken a load into the Elks, we were in a hurry to get the items unloaded and put away. My usual default behavior was kicking in….”don’t make eye contact, maybe he’ll get the hint and move down the street to harass someone else.” He sheepishly mumbled something under his breath that I couldn’t understand but sounded like, “can I have some spare change.” I thought, “ok, here we go…..I give you spare change, you go buy whatever feeds your addiction. I blurted, “don’t have any change,” like I was talking to a mannequin or other inanimate object….and ducked into the Elks with an armful. Coming back out, I noticed he was still there, shuffling towards my wife. This time he pointed at something my wife was carrying and he mumbled the same thing I thought he’d said to me. She stopped, understanding him better, saying “Do you want this cane.” He lowered his chin to his chest and bobbed his head up and down. She handed him the cane. He took it sheepishly, whispered a thank you and moved on. I’ve thought about the “Cane Man” a lot recently. Partly because of the frigid weather and for the way I brushed him off, assuming he was shaking me down for “spare change” instead of a “spare cane” to help with his damaged leg. I wonder what circumstances steered him to being one of the homeless; addiction, mental health issues, poverty, loss of job, the flood, lack of family and friends support…I can only imagine he and and other homeless experienced the joys of life at one time in the past? Precious newborns held tenderly by their mamas, who dreamed of their babes growing up safe and happy with jobs, families, homes…and a purpose in life? Bullet proof teens, on cloud nine because their first love helped them feel everything was right in the world. Married to their “for better or for worse mate” with loving kids in the picture and a job helping build their feelings of self-worth. What happened? When did a bright future turn into a dark day to day? The lines from a Glen Campbell song, “Try a Little Kindness” hit me a few weeks ago when I heard it, they go:

If you see your brother standing by the road – With a heavy load from the seeds he’s sowed
And if you see your sister falling by the way – Just stop and say “You’re going the wrong way.”
You got to try a little kindness, yes show a little kindness – Just shine your light for everyone to see
And if you try a little kindness then you’ll overlook the blindness – Of narrow-minded people on the narrow-minded streets.

There are a number of Longmont non-profit organizations that are providing life-sustaining support, programs which encourage movement toward self-sufficiency and a candle in the window called ”hope” to the homeless community. Organizations like, HOPE, Agape Family Services – Front Range Christian Fellowship, The Journey, CentraLongmont Presbyterian, Our Center and Inn Between just to name a few. Volunteers and Donations are always welcome. The “Cane Man” experience showed me I was one of those “narrow-minded” people from the Glen Campbell song. Have I turned into Mother Theresa? No, but I’m trying to be more empathetic and understanding of other people’s plight. I almost forgot, the last thing the “Cane Man” said to my wife and me after she had given him the cane as he was limping away was, “God Bless You.” I think he had it reversed, that’s what I should have said to him.

One of my favorite comedy segments on the Saturday Night Live TV show between 1991 and 1998 was “Deep Thoughts” by Jack Handey (creative writer and comedian). Introduced by the late Phil Hartman and read live by Handey (neither actually appeared on screen), the one-liners proved to be wildly popular. Hartman would soothingly announce “And now, Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey…”, then peaceful “New Agey” music would play while the screen showed sedate pastoral scenes and Handey would then read the Deep Thought as the text to it scrolled across the screen. Some of my favorite thoughts include:

-“If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let go, because, they’re gone, man. They’re gone.”

-“Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at the word itself. MANKIND. Basically it’s made up of two separate words “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery and that’s why so is mankind.”

I can never reach the depths of Jack Handey’s “Deep Thoughts”, but here are a few of my “Semi-Deep Thoughts:”

*Many people say we evolved from apes, well if that’s the case, why don’t they have to deal with male pattern baldness? And if they have it, then they’re toupees are much better than ours.

*The latest craze to let people know what you think is called “Twitter” and your thoughts are called “Tweets”, are the people who do this activity called “Twits?”

*They say “you can’t judge a book by its cover,” especially if it’s on a Kindle.

*I remember my kindergarten teacher made us dance around a maypole in our classroom, a girl got sick and threw-up. The poor janitor had to sprinkle sawdust on the mess. They tell you not to swim right after you eat, what a load, they should have said don’t dance around the maypole?

*Sometimes I wonder why we care if water is discovered on Mars. I can hear the “Rovers” talking to each other going, “Where are they sending you today?” “Oh on another “snipe” hunt for water.” I passed a big lake yesterday with Martians water skiing, but I turned my camera off, job security you know.”

*I watched a program on TV where they said snakes are more afraid us than we are of them. Well if that’s the case why don’t we, in our encounters, hear them scream, slither-away and swear because they have to clean their laundry after seeing us?

*I’m still waiting for someone to invent the teleportation machine used in the Star Trek shows. Transporters convert a person or object into an energy pattern (a process called dematerialization), then “beam” it to a target, where it is reconverted into matter (rematerialization). Would be just my luck that they start the machine and I sneeze or twitch which causes my head to end up at my feet as I rematerialize. Boy would I be beside myself if this happened!

*Maybe you’ve seen a rare comment about train noise in this paper. Wouldn’t it be swell if the train engineer person learned to play well known melodies on the train whistle while going through town? Imagine hearing “It’s a Small World After All, “Popeye the Sailor Man” or “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go at 4am. I bet the train engineer would take requests too.

Well gotta go, my wife just hollered down to me that the new subscription to “Hair Club for Apes” just arrived in the mail. Can’t wait to see the “silverback slick-back” look.

As many of you might realize, the world is a very dangerous place. And since we live in Boulder County, many might say we live in the world. Although at times it feels like we live on planet “Bassackwardsagonia.” Being that the world is very dangerous, I was so relieved to read that on January 23, 2013 our DHS (Department of Homeland Security) used its Twitter account to offer “tips” on how to deal with the winter weather. A portion of the tip sheet reads: During Winter Storms and Extreme Cold * Stay indoors during the storm. * Walk carefully on snow and icy walkways. * Avoid overexertion when shoveling snow. Overexertion can bring on a heart attack—a major cause of death in the winter. If you must shovel snow, stretch before going outside. * Keep dry. Change wet clothing frequently to prevent a loss of body heat. Wet clothing loses all of its insulating value and transmits heat rapidly. * If you are shoveling your walk and notice a Predator Drone hovering above you, do not point your finger in a gun-like manner or throw an imaginary grenade at the Drone, unless you want your walk cleared real fast. OK, I made that last helpful suggestion up. Since we need constant supervision on living in this very dangerous world, I thought I would assist Janet Napolitano, Mayor Bloomberg and Glorious Leader by offering these survival tips for Boulder County: During Anytime of the Year * Every few months, due to things called seasons, our weather becomes warmer or colder, rainy or snowy (talk about climate change). Wearing more or fewer clothes depending on this change is warranted, unless you’re a teenager, then you’re aversion to coats exceeds Governor Chris Christie’s to a treadmill. Keep informed on season change by watching or listening to your local news, making this judgement yourself can be very dangerous. * There are big rock formations west of Longmont called mountains. If you need to drive in them, be careful, this can be very dangerous. Watch the road because it can be very serpentine (un-straight) and steep, so keep both hands on the wheel and use your brakes to slow down. If you have to pull off the road at a “Scenic Overlook” to take pictures, this can be very very dangerous. Say you get out of your vehicle, point your camera to get a picture of some of the “Scenic” and a chipmunk mistakes your hair for a twig nest, startling you and causing you to fall over the “Overlook.” This could cause you to lose your life and possibly a very nice photo. * Hunting animals is very dangerous. Consider using your gun, but leave the shells or bullets at home. If you get close enough, most animals will give up. A shot with a loaded weapon could ricochet of a rock and hit a Boulder Police Officer looking for a wounded elk. * If you must go to Boulder, also very dangerous, do not wear your antler hat or make elk rutting noises. * Erie is a very dangerous place because of fracking. The air quality has been reported to be similar to Mars and I think I’ve seen video of the Mars Curiosity Rover coughing up phlegm. If you must drive past Erie, I suggest you hold your breath, but don’t hold it too long, you might pass out and have an accident. Wearing a full face respirator might help, but the police might think you’re a terrorist. Maybe it’s best if you avoid driving past Erie. Thomas Jefferson wrote: “Whenever people are well informed, they can be trusted with their own government.” Paint me distrustful of government micromanaging my life. Well, gotta go. I’ve got to drive to Boulder. Think I’ll drive past Erie with the windows down, take a deep breath, stop for a greasy hamburger, salty fries and a 48 ounce soft drink. Next snowstorm I’ll stretch for an hour prior to shoveling.