Author: krisjharris55@gmail.com (Page 6 of 6)

Unless you’ve been vacationing in the Carlsbad Caverns, you’ve probably heard news regarding fracking. Here’s my attempt to drill down into a suitable definition. Fracking – (noun) a method of mining in which cracks (fractures) are created in a type of rock called shale in order to obtain gas, oil or other substances that are inside of it. Hydraulic fracking refers to using water, sand and other chemicals to frack the shale. Zzz….zzz…sorry I dozed off just then. I also consulted with a local teenager for their definition. “Oh fracking, it’s like what happens when the oil dudes roll up with their hunkin large machines and derricks and such! I love derricks cause that’s my boyfriend’s name, Derek. After they find a spot on the ground, they start drilling until they like run out of pipe. They then start like yelling at each other, saying “why didn’t you bring more fracking pipe!” Once the anti-fracking group, “Our Health, Our Future, Our Longmont, Your Higher Utility Bills, Your Colder Home, Your Boulder East” gets fracking banned in Longmont’s city limits and next moves on to ban it everywhere (http://ourlongmont.org/), here’s the wonderful life we’ll all get to experience, say around 2016:
Transportation “Springs” Ahead
Cars were so overrated. Everyone was in a hurry. You didn’t have time to meet new people or get any exercise using one. Today’s cars were made obsolete by no more fossil fuel and electric vehicles fizzled, unless your were good at rubbing your hands together to create static electricity to recharge your vehicle (most electricity came from a coal or gas fired power plant which will no longer exists, duh). Our future vehicles will have big windup springs with most vehicles getting 1 MPWUP (mile per windup). This will help us slow down, meet new friends and get some exercise at the same time.
Thermos Homes
Our future homes will be nothing more than giant Thermos’s (try and say that fast). These marvels of modern technology will keep us warm in the winter and cool in the summer (how does it know when to keep hot hot or cool cool?) Some thought is still needed on how to avoid breaking the seal for a minor consideration like breathing.
Return to the “Cold War”
In our new life with fracking and fossil fuels banned we won’t be the selfish power hogs of old. Our once a week showers will not be the heated variety of the bourgeois, but a cold, heart stopping dousing to stir our senses. Don’t think of it as a hardship comrade. Think of it as your contribution to the collective motherland and the next generation.
Women Fully Liberated
With petroleum products gone in our new life, women won’t have the societal burden of being slaves to fashion and grooming, because the following products will not exist: clothing made from synthetic fibers such as acrylic, nylon and polyester, or coated with formaldehyde finishes (even organic cotton could fall into this category), stretchy part of your underwear, all of your bra, plastic earrings, bracelets and necklaces, body lotion, shampoo, hairbrush, soap, lipstick, mascara, eyeliner, foundation, hair gel, nail polish and perfume. Although I’ve never been a woman, but did shave my legs for a Triathlon, I feel this is a wonderful opportunity for women to go back to making their own clothes out of natural fibers like hemp or corn stalks. As far as needing hair products or makeup, women here’s your opportunity to let the world see the real you! Remember beauty is only skin deep.

Both sides of the fracking debate deserve your thoughtful consideration to discover the truth before voting for a ban: http://www.truthlandmovie.com/ and http://www.gaslandthemovie.com/ Well gotta go, in preparing for the worst, a friend and I are tinkering with a secret Boulder Country renewable power source sure to get a Federal subsidy. All I can tell you is it involves mini treadmills, prairie dogs and tiny “5-Hour Energy” drink bottles.

Dear Jimmie –

I read that New York Mayor Bloomberg intends to restrict sales of sugary soft drinks to no more than 16 ounces a cup in city restaurants, movie theaters, stadiums and arenas. My wife and I enjoy plowing through the large combo soda and popcorn at the movies and are afraid these “Nanny State” bureaucrats will continue to erode our freedoms by telling us how to live. I think the Mayor and others need to limit the size of their obese egos. What’s next? A limit on the number of breaths we can take each day?

Popped Off in Prospect

Dear PO’d in Prospect –

I empathize with your anger and frustration regarding this “Nanny State” encroachment. Here’s a health tip: I suggest you leave the butter off of your large popcorn. Then you’ll have room for a box of M&Ms. One of my favorite writers, C.S. Lewis, sums up my feelings on the “Nanny State” enablers with this quote: “Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron’s cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.” With examples like Mayor Bloomberg’s proposal, the LA ban on throwing a football or Frisbee on the beach during the summer and “dodgeball” being banned in many schools gym classes, the situation seems bleak. Unless citizens unite to repeal some of these mandates I think we will continue to see further intrusions. Here are my predictions on what the “Nastys” (Nanny State Yearners) have in mind for us in the future:

– Scores will no longer be kept at sporting events…..no winners or losers, just participants. This will keep high achievers in check and insure everyone’s self esteem isn’t damaged and egos aren’t bruised. I can imagine the Bronco game conversations on Monday mornings at the water cooler. “Did you see Peyton Manning yesterday?” Boy did he come ready to participate, he participated all game, that’s why they got him, he is one of the best participators in the league!”

– Cigarettes will go up to $100 a pack introducing a black market/criminal element into their sale. Smokers will be required to wear special helmets that trap their smoke or can smoke freely in newly designated smoking areas located in abandoned ICBM missile silos across the country.

– Pets will no longer be allowed to be subjugated to wearing a collar or harness while being led by their owners. Both owner and pet will be required to wear the same collar or harness and walk in tandem thus exhibiting equal status. And pets must be given human names like Stu or Mable, cutesy names like Mr. Chips or Princess She-She only cause them self esteem issues.

– Women, and men so inclined, will be forbidden from wearing makeup and getting their hair styled. This will level the playing field for those blessed with good looks and others on the wrong end of the mirror metric. Clowns, actors and aging rock stars can purchase special exemption permits to avoid this restriction. Well gotta go, the only “Nanny” that matters in my life, Ms. St.Vrain,  just asked me to give an opinion on her latest hairstyle. Whoever said, “Honesty is the best policy,” must have never experienced the pleasure of matrimonial bliss, they had to be single.