Author: krisjharris (Page 2 of 2)

I’m guessing most of you are familiar with the books and movie focusing on the bucket list, which consists of memorable things you should do or see before you leave this life (kick the bucket). Some of the items on my list are: take a river cruise from Amsterdam to Budapest, visit Australia, see the WWII Memorial in Washington D.C. and locally, see the famous Soap and Deodorant Museum in Hygiene. I’ll come clean, I made that last item up. Equally important to me as my bucket list is my duck-it list. These are things I want to avoid doing or seeing before I take the eternal leave of absence. Here’s just a few from that list:

Running With the Bulls

Every July thousands of runners assemble in Pamplona, Spain ready to continue the tradition of running with the bulls from corrals outside the city to the bullring. They dress in the traditional clothing of the festival of Sanfermines, white shirt and trousers with a red waistband and neckerchief. In one hand, they hold the day’s newspaper rolled to draw the bulls’ attention from them if necessary. (hopefully the bull’s want to slow down to read the Editorial page) Two rules that caught my attention: 1. Runners who are drunk, drugged or otherwise perceived to be a danger to others, will not be allowed to run. (guess the bulls are exempt from this rule) 2. Do not distract, grab onto, harass or mistreat the animals. (doubt if many runners are going to stop and tease the bulls by saying, “Why do bulls/cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work!”) If I feel the urge to get trampled or gored, I’ll line up in the wee hours at the Walmart Superstore doors waiting for them to open on the day after Thanksgiving (Black and Blue Friday).

Chernobyl, Ukraine Tour

The Chernobyl disaster was a catastrophic nuclear accident that occurred in 1986 at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant in the Ukraine, then part of the old Soviet Union. An explosion and fire released large quantities of radioactive contamination into the atmosphere, which spread over much of Western USSR and Europe. A 19 mile largely uninhabited “zone of alienation” exists today. The good news is officials estimate it should be safe for human habitation in only 20,000 years. If you’re not in a hurry this could present an opportunity for patient property flippers. Despite local authorities “glowing” reviews on the safety of the tour, I think I’ll pass.

Bungee Jumping

Millions of people around the globe have safely done this from various heights and locations. Here’s my fear….I pull up to your run of the mill bungee jumping tower at a local carnival in the parking lot of a shopping center. The usual operator has come down with the Jack Daniel’s flu for the day and he’s pleaded with the guy that runs the Ferris wheel to substitute for him. The Ferris wheel guy reluctantly agrees to step in for the bungee guy. So besides being in a bad mood, being bad with numbers and having a bad memory, he needs to adjust the length of the bungee to the height of the tower that day. Oops! So it doesn’t take a stretch of your imagination to see where I’m going with this…

National Odor-Eaters Rotten Sneaker Contest

The National Odor-Eaters Rotten Sneaker Contest in Montpelier, VT, in its 37^th year, has gained a certain “cachet” as the ultimate contest showing just how dirty and stinky sneakers can get in an active kid’s life. Sneakers are judged by a panel on the conditions of the sole, tongue, heel, toe, laces or Velcro, eyelets/grommets, overall condition and most important ODOR. The Champion confessed that his sneakers got dirty and smelly because he plays a lot of soccer, also does fishing, hiking, and dip netting…and he just has naturally stinky feet.

Well gotta go. Just got the urge to open a Soap and Deodorant Museum in Longmont.

It’s August, and the Boulder County Fair has come and gone. The aromas of the fiendishly decadent deep fried fan favorites, le funnel cake, le corn dog and le twinkie that wafted over the Fair Midway have dissolved. Word has it that Mayor Bloomberg of New York City will visit the Fair next year. The Mayor loves raw oysters and has never sampled the “Rocky Mountain” variety. Aack! Hold on, I just about spit out my “Big Gulp!” Animals have been curried, trimmed, cleaned and hauled back home after putting their best foots, er hooves forward. The Fair gives many people a glimpse of our agrarian past. I’ve been on a farm before, but like other “city dwellers” am not up to snuff on many of the intricacies and practices of farm and ranch living. Apple iPhone has an existing personal assistant application named, “Siri” that responds to your questions about the weather, business locations and a number of other amazing topics. Imagine if along with “Siri”, I had a Boulder County Fair personal assistant named “Ringo,” get it…cowboy sounding and phone ring…..never mind. I sure could have used Ringo’s help with the following questions while at the Fair:
Kris – Ringo, what do you call a female and a male sheep?
Ringo – Ewe is a female and Ram is a male.
Kris – Did you just say I was a female, you is a female?
Ringo – ????? Recalibrating, Female sheep is Ewe.
Kris – Did you just say I’m a female sheep, female sheep is you.
Ringo – ????? Not programmed for sarcasm. Please rephrase.
Kris – Ringo, why are bulls turned into steers?
Ringo – To control the genetics of your herd by not allowing inferior genetics into the cowherd, as well as preventing inbreeding or linebreeding. To reduce aggressiveness; steers are easier to handle and less dangerous than bulls, and are not as rough on equipment, nor do they fight as often. You are apt to get more money when selling good steer calves than bull calves. The beef industry and consumers alike favor steer carcasses over bulls because the meat is less lean.
Kris – Do the steers have higher pitched singing voices than bulls?
Ringo – Only when they sing something by the “Cowsills!” Ha Ha Ha, I’ll be here all week.
Kris – Ringo, do rodeo clowns go to a school to learn their trade?
Ringo – A number of schools exist across the US that train rodeo “bullfighters” or clowns. Rodeo clown schools train their students on how to handle animals as well as comedy routines and face-painting skills. The most agile and comedically gifted clowns are assigned as barrel men, who divide their time between working the crowds, getting in the animals’ faces and ducking into barrels to protect themselves.
Kris – If all the students in a Rodeo Clown school are clowns, how do they determine who is the “Class Clown?”
Ringo – I think you should ask “Siri” that question.
Kris – Ringo, how do you prepare “Rocky Mountain Oysters?”
Ringo – First you need to make sure they have been removed from the bull, ha ha ha a little iPhone Assistant humor, put me in Rodeo Clown school and I’d be the class clown. When Mayor Bloomberg visits next year, tell him like sushi, these are a delicacy in Japan when eaten raw. Make sure you have a “Big Gulp” handy for him after he takes the first bite.

Graduates, as you walk to the podium to accept your “sheepskin,” (now a paper diploma, sheep stopped donating their epidermis by unionizing as the “Brotherhood of Animals Against Diplomas,” BAAD for short) remember the uplifting vision of your future spoken by your Valedictorian, then your other Valedictorian, followed by the next, almost done, just a couple more. Dreaming big is important. I remember one of our high school class mottos was “For Life is a Journey,” a positive message back in my day,  decades before facing the prospect of TSA gropings at the airport. I’ll leave the “Big Picture” vision to your Valedictorians and parents. Based on my experience, and the fact that I earned a “mastadonskin,” I’d like to share a few “life lessons” I’ve learned on my journey.
Don’t Embarrass Yourself at Graduation
When you do something stupid at graduation, someone captures it on their cellphone. When someone captures it on their cellphone, they post it on Facebook. When they post it on Facebook and it goes viral, you become the laughingstock to millions of people. When you become the laughingstock to millions of people, you decide to get cosmetic surgery to hide your identity. When you get cosmetic surgery to hide your identity, it can go wrong and make you look like a former pop star. When you look like a former pop star, someone captures it on their cellphone…..don’t embarrass yourself at graduation.
Prove You’re a Thinker by Using the Blinker
Today’s cars are a marvel of engineering with many amazing functional pieces of equipment. One functional piece of equipment that comes standard with each vehicle is called a “blinker.” It is usually located on the steering wheel column and it allows you to signal to other drivers that you are making a left or right turn or changing lanes. Once you get used to using your blinker, you might grow to enjoy the “blinker tone,” click..click…click. Folks my age and older sometimes like the blinker tone so much, we leave our blinker on long after we’ve made our turns or changed lanes. Other friendly, helpful drivers pass and give us a gesture reminding us that our blinker is still on.
Mattress Rebel
Until recently, most mattress tags contained the scary statement that removing the tag was illegal and punishable by law. If you do have a mattress with a tag that you want to remove, feel free. The Federal Government has eliminated the Department of Mattress Tag Enforcement to allocate more resources to the GSA and Secret Service party planning and female escort initiatives.
High School Reunions
Now that high school will be in your rear-view mirror, you get to look forward to reunions. Each of them has a different vibe and feel. Since my next reunion will be the 40 Year, I’m guessing what my experience will be at the 40^th – 70^th .
10 Year – The “Peacock” Reunion. Show off vibe. Typical conversations revolve around money, status, perfect wife and kids, exotic vacations.
20 Year – The “Beaver” Reunion. Busy with career and family obligations, forget serious stuff for a night and enjoy the moment vibe. Typical conversations revolve around how lame the 10 Year Reunion was, mortgage, sick kids, 2^nd wife, boss sucks, politics, found a grey hair last week.
30 Year – The “Dolphin” Reunion. Communal, who cares what you were like in high school vibe. Typical conversations revolve around diets, how lame the next generation is, how lame you were in high school, hobbies. Have you tried the guacamole? It’s great!
40 Year – The “Elephant” Reunion. Remember when vibe. Typical conversations revolve around classmates who have passed away. What was your name again? I’m going to need an Advil IV after dancing the “Funky Chicken.”
50 – 70 Year – The “Bear” Reunion. We hibernate most nights at home vibe. Typical conversations revolve around how many classmates will show, how lame the next 2 generations are, why are the drinks so expensive, wished I would have grown my hair down to my shoulders back in the day.Well gotta go, just saw a “Hair Club for Men” commercial and they say I could have shoulder length hair! Nah better not; it would just get in my eyes when I’m doing the “Funky Chicken!”

reality show –n
a television show in which members of the public or celebrities are filmed living their everyday lives or undertaking specific challenges

Need more drama or stress in your life? Your reality getting you down, how about tuning in to someone else’s reality? There’s a show for you, from Southern swamps to Manhattan boardrooms you can live vicariously through folks stuck in the “MUD” (made up drama) or experiencing some of the “Seven Deadly Sins:” Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Acedia (Dejection), Wrath, Envy, Pride, Vainglory. What you might have missed are some of the reality show pilots that didn’t make the network series cut for one reason or another:
The Wisconsin “Squeeze” Heads
Dairy farmers Swen and Olaf Swedlund’s travails running a 75-head cow operation with their pet pig, “Sir Francis Bacon.” Swen is the most gregarious, talkative character, followed by the pig, then Olaf. The pilot showed the boys getting up before the roosters, doing their chores while Swen does his hilarious rapid fire barnyard shtick. “What goes oo ooo oooo?” asks Swen. “A cow with no lips!” This cracks up Sir Francis Bacon, who grunts approvingly. Olaf just rolls his eyes. This pilot was well received and had a real chance to get a weekly slot, it evoked memories of the 1960’s series, “Green Acres.” Unfortunately a tragic accident shut it down. A PETA protester crept into the barn and tried to sabotage the automatic milking machinery and ended up causing a huge explosion that creamed the protester and caused “udder” destruction.
American Idle
The show looking for the the most slothful, lazy, couch potato layin-Gameboy playin-not mowin the lawn-all they do is yawn, person in the country. Contestant videos are played for the audience and judges to determine the “Idle” winner. Judges for the pilot were: Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton and the Federal Government’s Corruption and Conflict of Interest Czar. The show was doomed after the pilot showed a clip of a 35 year old guy living at home playing video games all day and complaining when his mother who just had a double knee replacement brings home the wrong flavor of Cheese Doodles. The network execs turned thumbs down, it’s not nice to disparage Mom with two new knees over your stinkin choice of cheese!
Road Warrior Chefs
Hate to see any food wasted, well you’re of the same mind as the chefs who drive the highways and byways searching for the unfortunate critters that got in the way of the rubber meeting the road. The chefs brought in a selection they found from the “Roadway Pantry” and whip up a dish in 1 hour that went before the judges for the taste test. The judges were people hungry for their first shot at fame. “You wouldn’t eat road kill would you?” The pilot featured an especially tasty dish created by one of the chefs called, “Squashed Possum Fricassee.” Every judge loved the presentation, plating, sauce and all commented that it tasted a lot like chicken. The show was canceled after the pilot when it was discovered that a protester for PETDA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Dead Animals) was out on a highway one of the chefs was on and got hit by a rendering truck.

Well gotta go, I’m working on a reality show idea to submit about a conservative libertarian living in Boulder that decides to run for Boulder County Commissioner who gets a chance for an open exchange of ideas and honest representations in the People’s Republic Press. On second thought, this idea would probably be a better fit on the remake of “Fantasy Island.”