Category: National Politics

“Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.”

P.J. O’Rourke

Uber is allowing customers in Pittsburgh to summon self-driving cars from their phones, reaching an important milestone that no automotive or technology company has yet achieved. This is big news, but I’ve noticed many driverless cars already in Colorado. Humans occupied the driver’s seat, but the vehicles might as well have been driverless, as the people were engaged in applying makeup, texting, eating or reading the newspaper while in the driver’s seat. As I was driving down I-25 on my way to Denver last week, having just flossed, it hit me! No, not a pseudo-driverless car, an idea. If we can make cars driverless, why not remove politicians from our Representative Republic and move towards a Politician-less DirectDemocracy? Why should the politicians get all the perks when we as tax paying citizens could participate more fully in the waste, fraud and deception. We have the technology, this could be the Millennial Generation’s Moon Shot.(So young people, back in the day, when NASA was more involved in space projects than Muslim outreach, they put Astronauts on the moon several times). Joe Six Pack and Connie Chablis are reading this and saying, He needs to put down the hooka and get real! Great! This demonstrates what makes a Direct Democracy work! In a Direct Democracy every citizen has the right to propose a policy, then debate and vote on it. In ancient Athens (Greece) these debates stimulated people to produce Philosophy, to invent the Theatre, Comedy, and to convince people by logical reasoning rather than by imposing one? It would be a Tragedy to ignore this history. In the modern US, millions of citizens could use TV for the debate, mobile phones, magnetic cards and touch screens for voting. In every government Department (Health, Education, Industry, Finance etc.) operates its own TV channel around the clock showing issue debates. Panel members must have knowledge and experience with issues of the particular department and serve only limited terms, drawn from a lottery of experts. They will answer questions phoned in by the public. They will explain the good and bad points of every proposal. Well you get the idea. I’m just a big picture guy. Details could be worked out with some tweaks to the Constitution. We could start with the Feds then move to State Governments after we get the kinks worked out. We’d need to build a wall, a firewall that is, to eliminate voter fraud. Maybe using retinal or at least fingerprint recognition and have Canada pay for it. They are a friendly and polite people who avoid saying no at all costs and might be feeling guilty because of NAFTA, eh? Maybe all the out of work Senators, Representatives and Lobbyists could be required to attend an ethics and honesty recovery program at Positive Integrity Mastery for Politicians seminars (PIMP) before they could sign up for Obamacare and their pension benefits could be voted on by the general public. Well gotta go. I’m considering establishing a non-profit called the Harris Enterprise Initiative Solution Trust (HEIST), where you can donate and get on the ground floor of this exciting initiative. I’m still working on getting set up on a special server,will let you know if and when it’s operational. If you know any rich Saudi’s, Turks or Canadians for that matter, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

“Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.”       – W.C Fields

 
Hillary Clinton – Males may experience severe groin injury anxiety attacks or “Bobbitt Syndrome,” a fear that Hillary, who once channeled Eleanor Roosevelt in the White House and probably wished it had been Lorena Bobbitt, will extract vengeance. Extreme ringing and in rare cases a constant noise similar to Barry Manilow singing underwater can occur in your ears after listening to soundbites or speeches. Carpal tunnel like symptoms can also appear when sending credit card or other sensitive information over your personal email account.
Bernie Sanders – Many indicate hallucinations can occur, usually marching scenes of Bolsheviks providing Russian peasants equal starvation and suffering for all, except for the ruling class. Alcohol use can increase visions of Stalin, Mao and Castro dancing the “Macarena” on the graves of millions of politically incorrect opponents. Less serious, but still annoying is the tactile sensation that you’ve lost your wallet or purse and find a red rash spread equally across your “proletariat” posterior upon waking. Immediately purchasing something on “Amazon” will help reduce effects.
Donald Trump – May cause bouts of insomnia while fearfully contemplating how the follicle stack adorning the real “Trump Tower” gets shoved, coaxed, crimped and primped into position each day and avoids a wind induced massive flying wedge with streamers that would cause a partial eclipse of the sun. If you experience shortness of breath, projectile vomiting and leg cramps from comments expressed, some individuals have lessened the severity of these effects by watching the movie “Goodfellas” and assimilated the following words into their vocabularies: yuge (huge), loser, big, classy, stupid, dumb and winner.
Ted Cruz – Others have experienced sudden cravings for Canadian bacon, Labatts beer and reruns of Hockey Night in Canada. Twitching, convulsing and bovine like gastric distress symptoms can also appear when Glenn Beck and Ted Cruz appear in tandem. Females may also experience loss of libido (sex drive for those not latin lingual), increased spinal hair and development of an Adam’s apple.
Marco Rubio – Some have experienced a general malaise, monotone demeanor and spinal weakness. An unquenchable thirst can also appear, keep a water bottle in close proximity. Rubbery twitchy leg syndrome is not uncommon. Avoid walking in the same direction for any distance, back and forth with frequent reversals will help reduce effects severity. Do not, under any circumstances operate heavy machinery, juggle chain saws or sharpen knives while listening to candidates stance on NSA surveillance or immigration reform.
John Kasich – You might experience a reoccuring eruption of a boil or cold sore. Sore neck and or painful feeling while sitting is common. Some may experience unconscious need to talk excessively, this can be stopped by chewing on tin foil. In rare cases, heads could explode if exposed to candidates explanation of taking increased Medicaid funding with Obamacare passage.

Well gotta go! To avoid long term injury, please consult your doctor if you experience an election viewing lasting more than 4 hours.

Kris Harris moved to Longmont in 1960
and is a product of Longmont public schools
and the University of Northern Colorado.
He believes that sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

As a pimply faced youth, I remember getting a weekly allowance, usually for performing some chores, mowing the lawn, washing/drying dishes or walking to the lake in Minnesota in the dead of winter to haul back a block of ice for our refrigeration needs. Boy those ice tongs were hard to hold when frostbite started to set in. Ok, Ok the last chore was my “Brian Williams” moment. Back to allowances, once you’d blown through it for the week, there was no deficit spending or borrowing from a sibling. Most of us still have to live within our means and make cuts when budgets get tight. That’s why I’ve looked forward to Senator Tom Coburn’s annual “Wastebook” that chronicles wasteful Federal Government spending. Tom retired last year and “Wastebook2014” is the last edition, unless someone else picks up the gauntlet. “Massages for Rabbits, Gambling Monkeys, Watching Grass Grow and Laughing Classes” are just a few of the studies paid for by the tax payers. But my favorite money burner was the National Science Foundation spending over $800,000 teaching 3 mountain lions how to walk/run on treadmills as part of a research project to gain more insights into their instincts. (For $8,000 and a plane ticket to Vegas, I could have told you their instincts are: 1. Awake 2. Lick all parts, even the yucky ones. 3. Relieve themselves in the woods with the bears. 4. Stalk prey quietly, make sure to be upwind. 5. Chase prey (remember this is a sprint not a marathon). 6. Capture prey and kill it. 7. Eat prey 8. Sleep 9. Repeat next day). Baseline data needed to be collected on their oxygen consumption at different activity levels. It took 8 months of training before the cats were “comfortable on the treadmill.” (I’m still not comfortable on the treadmill, my wine glass won’t balance). With an $18 trillion dollar deficit hanging over the heads of future generations, was this study, paid for with money that doesn’t exist, critical? Wouldn’t providing Kale flavored ice cream to public school children have been a better use of funds? I’m so glad that the cats were “comfortable on the treadmill” after only 8 months. You can bet their friends and relatives aren’t as glad, especially with the 3 cats post study demanding “Fit-Bits” and “Heart Monitors.” Hunting just got a little more complicated, they can only chase prey while within the “aerobic zone,” 80% of their max heart rate. Where was PETA when this study was conducted? I would have figured some Hollywood Starlets would have volunteered to take the place of the cats on the treadmills wearing bracelets that said, “Wild Cats, Not Gym Rats,” or Michael Moore (nope too easy, wouldn’t be prudent, trying to keep this piece “light-hearted”). What’s next? Studies to teach prairie dogs yoga? “Ok class, let’s start off with the “downward facing dog pose,” followed by the “holy crap, there’s the gas exterminator pose.” And don’t think rabbits won’t take notice and demand equal attention (this isn’t so hare-brained). I can see a study to teach rabbits how to “Bench Press.” They’ll demand torn tank tops, way too tight shorts, enough gold bling to have made Francisco Pizarro envious and demand a spot on the new sitcom, “New Jersey Wooley.” “Yo bro, Mr Bear, how about a spot while I go for my max!” Well gotta go, I’ve noticed my Boston Terrier Domino has an amazing ability to stand on his back legs, wonder if I could apply for a Federal Grant to teach him “Zumba!”

Unless you’ve been vacationing in the Carlsbad Caverns, you’ve probably heard news regarding fracking. Here’s my attempt to drill down into a suitable definition. Fracking – (noun) a method of mining in which cracks (fractures) are created in a type of rock called shale in order to obtain gas, oil or other substances that are inside of it. Hydraulic fracking refers to using water, sand and other chemicals to frack the shale. Zzz….zzz…sorry I dozed off just then. I also consulted with a local teenager for their definition. “Oh fracking, it’s like what happens when the oil dudes roll up with their hunkin large machines and derricks and such! I love derricks cause that’s my boyfriend’s name, Derek. After they find a spot on the ground, they start drilling until they like run out of pipe. They then start like yelling at each other, saying “why didn’t you bring more fracking pipe!” Once the anti-fracking group, “Our Health, Our Future, Our Longmont, Your Higher Utility Bills, Your Colder Home, Your Boulder East” gets fracking banned in Longmont’s city limits and next moves on to ban it everywhere (http://ourlongmont.org/), here’s the wonderful life we’ll all get to experience, say around 2016:
Transportation “Springs” Ahead
Cars were so overrated. Everyone was in a hurry. You didn’t have time to meet new people or get any exercise using one. Today’s cars were made obsolete by no more fossil fuel and electric vehicles fizzled, unless your were good at rubbing your hands together to create static electricity to recharge your vehicle (most electricity came from a coal or gas fired power plant which will no longer exists, duh). Our future vehicles will have big windup springs with most vehicles getting 1 MPWUP (mile per windup). This will help us slow down, meet new friends and get some exercise at the same time.
Thermos Homes
Our future homes will be nothing more than giant Thermos’s (try and say that fast). These marvels of modern technology will keep us warm in the winter and cool in the summer (how does it know when to keep hot hot or cool cool?) Some thought is still needed on how to avoid breaking the seal for a minor consideration like breathing.
Return to the “Cold War”
In our new life with fracking and fossil fuels banned we won’t be the selfish power hogs of old. Our once a week showers will not be the heated variety of the bourgeois, but a cold, heart stopping dousing to stir our senses. Don’t think of it as a hardship comrade. Think of it as your contribution to the collective motherland and the next generation.
Women Fully Liberated
With petroleum products gone in our new life, women won’t have the societal burden of being slaves to fashion and grooming, because the following products will not exist: clothing made from synthetic fibers such as acrylic, nylon and polyester, or coated with formaldehyde finishes (even organic cotton could fall into this category), stretchy part of your underwear, all of your bra, plastic earrings, bracelets and necklaces, body lotion, shampoo, hairbrush, soap, lipstick, mascara, eyeliner, foundation, hair gel, nail polish and perfume. Although I’ve never been a woman, but did shave my legs for a Triathlon, I feel this is a wonderful opportunity for women to go back to making their own clothes out of natural fibers like hemp or corn stalks. As far as needing hair products or makeup, women here’s your opportunity to let the world see the real you! Remember beauty is only skin deep.

Both sides of the fracking debate deserve your thoughtful consideration to discover the truth before voting for a ban: http://www.truthlandmovie.com/ and http://www.gaslandthemovie.com/ Well gotta go, in preparing for the worst, a friend and I are tinkering with a secret Boulder Country renewable power source sure to get a Federal subsidy. All I can tell you is it involves mini treadmills, prairie dogs and tiny “5-Hour Energy” drink bottles.

Dear Jimmie –

I read that New York Mayor Bloomberg intends to restrict sales of sugary soft drinks to no more than 16 ounces a cup in city restaurants, movie theaters, stadiums and arenas. My wife and I enjoy plowing through the large combo soda and popcorn at the movies and are afraid these “Nanny State” bureaucrats will continue to erode our freedoms by telling us how to live. I think the Mayor and others need to limit the size of their obese egos. What’s next? A limit on the number of breaths we can take each day?

Popped Off in Prospect

Dear PO’d in Prospect –

I empathize with your anger and frustration regarding this “Nanny State” encroachment. Here’s a health tip: I suggest you leave the butter off of your large popcorn. Then you’ll have room for a box of M&Ms. One of my favorite writers, C.S. Lewis, sums up my feelings on the “Nanny State” enablers with this quote: “Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron’s cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.” With examples like Mayor Bloomberg’s proposal, the LA ban on throwing a football or Frisbee on the beach during the summer and “dodgeball” being banned in many schools gym classes, the situation seems bleak. Unless citizens unite to repeal some of these mandates I think we will continue to see further intrusions. Here are my predictions on what the “Nastys” (Nanny State Yearners) have in mind for us in the future:

– Scores will no longer be kept at sporting events…..no winners or losers, just participants. This will keep high achievers in check and insure everyone’s self esteem isn’t damaged and egos aren’t bruised. I can imagine the Bronco game conversations on Monday mornings at the water cooler. “Did you see Peyton Manning yesterday?” Boy did he come ready to participate, he participated all game, that’s why they got him, he is one of the best participators in the league!”

– Cigarettes will go up to $100 a pack introducing a black market/criminal element into their sale. Smokers will be required to wear special helmets that trap their smoke or can smoke freely in newly designated smoking areas located in abandoned ICBM missile silos across the country.

– Pets will no longer be allowed to be subjugated to wearing a collar or harness while being led by their owners. Both owner and pet will be required to wear the same collar or harness and walk in tandem thus exhibiting equal status. And pets must be given human names like Stu or Mable, cutesy names like Mr. Chips or Princess She-She only cause them self esteem issues.

– Women, and men so inclined, will be forbidden from wearing makeup and getting their hair styled. This will level the playing field for those blessed with good looks and others on the wrong end of the mirror metric. Clowns, actors and aging rock stars can purchase special exemption permits to avoid this restriction. Well gotta go, the only “Nanny” that matters in my life, Ms. St.Vrain,  just asked me to give an opinion on her latest hairstyle. Whoever said, “Honesty is the best policy,” must have never experienced the pleasure of matrimonial bliss, they had to be single.

Top 9.9 Reasons I Can’t Occupy Wall Street

The Occupy Wall Street movement has gotten 99% of the news coverage lately. I’m just glad “smell-o-vision” hasn’t become a reality (the next big video thing after 3-D) when the reporters broadcast from the field the latest demand from the tent-acles……the banning of any video, photos or artists rendering of Donald Trump’s hair, after it’s been lacquered, pomaded, sprayed or flash-frozen to his head. I think this is one demand I could “plug” (hair term), because I’m follicly challenged and jealous. The US has a storied history of successful protest movements, including Women’s Suffrage, the Civil Rights movement and the movement to ban playing of Billy Ray Cyrus’s song “Achy Breaky Heart “ at weddings or sporting events. Call me a selfish capitalist, but here are the “Top 9.9 Reasons I Can’t Occupy Wall Street.”

1. Tie-Dyed Clothes
I’ve noticed a lot of the OWS folks have gone with a retro 60’s/70’s tie-dyed fashion look. Well I look horrible in tie-dye, doesn’t agree with my skin tone and makes me look like a large psychedelic Yard Gnome.
2. Camping
I don’t do well sleeping in a tent. When my wife and I pickup camped for a couple nights touring South Dakota a year ago, I whined about not being comfortable, hearing noises, bathroom hikes, couldn’t sleep. She had her fill of my sob story and considered leaving me at the “bad” part of the “Badlands” or stranded at the “Prairie Dog Village.”
3. Drums
I like a good drum solo by Buddy Rich or Ginger Baker, but constant pounding by indigenous native wannabes would drive me to pour hot candle wax into my ears to seal out the noise…Reminds of a joke: What’s the last thing a drummer says in a band? “Hey guys, why don’t we try one of my songs?”
4. Human Microphone Chant Backs
Many municipalities require a permit for electronic amplified devices, so the OWS folks have groups repeat what a single speaker says, a “human microphone” if you will. I am seldom serious, so I couldn’t be trusted to repeat back exactly what was said. For instance, say Al Gore pays a visit and the group leader says, “It’s Mr. Gore, my that’s a nifty Nobel Prize?” To which I’d probably repeat, “It’s Mr. Bore, why does he have shifty no tell eyes?”
5. Horrible Penmanship
I’ve noticed a lot of sign making going on at the OWS sites. My penmanship resembles something a monkey tried to draw using an “Etch-a-Sketch”, only worse. Any sign I’d make would probably confuse people on what I was demanding…..come to think of it, maybe I’d fit right in.
6. Personal Hygiene
I don’t mean my favorite spot in the little town west of us…..I’m talking about a shower, preferably hot and every few days.
7. Hockey Fix
I haven’t seen any “big screens” broadcasting sporting events at the OWS sites. If I don’t get to watch 2-3 hockey games a week, I start to lose my craving for Canadian bacon, Labatts beer and socialized medicine. “Eh hoser?“
8. Allergic to Pepper Spray and Tear Gas
I don’t know about you, but pepper spray and tear gas bother my eyes and the police don’t lose fights, enough said.
9. Picky Eater
Sure the communal eating experience can build camaraderie, but I lost the desire to do it every day back in the High School cafeteria during the last Ice Age, when Brontosaurus burgers were the rage.
9.9 Occupy a Job
Some of us gotta work and I feel for the people that are having trouble finding any. There are times I’d like to pull the ejector handle on my job. But things like paying the mortgage, insurance, food and utilities, you know the luxuries, wake me up from dream world land.

“Well, gotta go,” my wife just yelled down to me, “Come eat dinner!” Listen to this….”Did you say, you need to be thinner!” hahaha….No I said, “ I wish I would have left you at the Prairie Dog village!”