Category: The Human Condition (Page 1 of 3)

“Kilt – It’s what happened to the last person that called it a skirt.”

— Anonymous 

A group of us made the trek to St. Andrews, Scotland, for a golf and sightseeing adventure. We played some iconic “links” golf courses and enjoyed 19th hole libations with well-stocked Tennents (Vitamin T) beer and white wine. The locals couldn’t have been more friendly and accepting, not the cold, stoic people usually represented. Our bus driver Jim masterfully navigated roads narrower than Twiggy’s hips. The sand bunkers were deeper than the potholes in Interstate 70, some requiring a ladder and miner’s helmet. Even King Kong would have trouble scaling Crail-Balcomie’s dastardly elevated par 3’s. The wind blew more consistently than extended warranty spam calls. Gorse, guardian of the rough, must be the devil’s favorite plant, spikey thorns aplenty, nature’s acupuncturist.

Here are some things you should avoid saying to a Scotlander:

Why are there so many old, run-down-looking buildings? These so-called run-down buildings are cathedrals or castles dating back to the mid-12th century, that’s way before electronic devices, social media and HGTV.

Why don’t you trim those shaggy-looking cattle? The “Highland” is a Scottish breed of rustic cattle originating in the Scottish Highlands and the Outer Hebrides islands and has long horns and a long shaggy coat. It is a hardy breed, able to withstand the intemperate conditions in the region.

Don’t you ever water the golf course fairways as we do in the States? Scottish golf links soil is sandy and because it lacks moisture, the grass tends to have short blades with long roots. The grass in the rough is wispy and long, which makes play difficult. Links courses drain well and provide a firm golfing surface all year round. Even though you might get a long roll-out on your shots, it becomes a chess game to avoid the deep bunkers and small streams (burns).

Is it always windy and rainy here? In Scotland, there’s no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothes. The locals look forward to Scottish summers, the rain gets warmer. If you can see sky, it’s going to rain; if you can’t, it’s raining already.

Where’s the beer cart on the St. Andrews Old Course? Motorized golf carts aren’t allowed on the course; only push trolleys, carry your bag or hire a caddie. Since every tee time is booked, the pace of play is critical, and stopping to buy a beverage would slow down the pace; besides, the Scots and Irish prefer to drink sitting down.

Should I order my Scotch Whiskey with water? No, laddie, you’re thirsty not dirty!

The head greenkeeper of St. Andrews golf course was inspecting the greens one morning when he spotted a golfer bending over the burn stream on the 18th, scooping up water with his hand and drinking it.

“Haw,” he shouted, “Ye shouldnae drink that watter; it’s got coo’s pish in it!”

The golfer looked up and replied, “I’m sorry old chap, I’m English, and I’m afraid I couldn’t understand a word you were saying.”

The greenkeeper shouted back, “I said, use both hands; you’ll get more in.”

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

I read a story in the Longmont Times-Call on July 2 regarding the “Mother Ranch” north of Longmont providing goat yoga classes. People participate in a yoga class while baby goats crawl on them, play with their hair or just act precious, as you’d expect from tiny goats. This got me to thinking outside the corral. “What other exercise/healing therapies could incorporate animals to maximize our experiences?” The following might be less cuddly and nurturing than goat yoga. Please consult with a physician to determine if you’re fit enough to participate and be prepared to sign numerous activity waivers.

Potbellied Pig Core Lifting – Five pens contain these cute little hamlets. You’ll compete against others in the class to complete the five core exercises lifting the pigs who get progressively heavier with each advance to the next pen. With no handles like kettle balls to grasp, you’ll have to figure out how to “pull the pork” and complete the circuit with these fine swine.

TaiChi with Cobras – This strength and flexibility program requires slow controlled movements with consistent rhythmic breathing. A few King Cobras have been strategically placed around the room with their handler (whose only been bitten a few times) nearby. Sudden movements can alarm the snakes and they will absolutely strike if you’re talking on a cellphone. HaHa, just kidding. I meant to say they’ll strike if you’re texting.

Boa Constrictor Fat Wrap Reduction – Looking to take a little off the tum-tum? Lop off some lard? This fairly safe procedure is taking the back alleys of Beijing by storm. “Huggy” the Boa is a sweetheart, very docile and his handler, Lefty (whose only been bitten a few times, losing just a pinky finger) are ready to help make a slimmer you a reality. Pricing is very reasonable and based on number of inches you want to lose. Please keep properly hydrated prior to this procedure as having a 100 pound snake wrapped around your torso can cause you to lose water weight along with other bodily contents.

Relocate and Radiate Prairie Dog Triathlon – Prairie Dog extermination is viewed publicly as unsavory and too final. Ask many in private and they’ll anxiously propose a hunt or a solution for utilizing M80’s left over from July 4^th. This event can serve as a community service and help solve the cost of relocation. Competitors will pick up a captured Prairie Dog and miniature life raft at Union Reservoir prior to the start of the swimming leg. The PD’s must make it safely to shore with their human competitor after the swim leg. Competitors transition to their bikes for the ride to Boulder. Each bike is retro fitted with a PD sized “hamster wheel.” Imagine the sight of competitors peddling furiously on their bikes while their PD buddies are also spinning their little hearts out. Once in Boulder, the competitors transition to the run to Rocky Flats with PD’s secured in a mini-mesh backpack. With the finish line in sight the participants complete the grueling race with their little race mates. Medals are passed out, pictures taken and the PD’s are fitted for custom made geiger counter collars before being released basking in the glow of their new Rocky Flats digs.

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Dear Jimmie: I’m filling in my Men’s NCAA Basketball Bracket for my office pool and could use your advice on how to pick the winners. Sleepless Over Seeds

Dear SOS: It’s not worth loosing sleep over a Basketball Tourney, save that for the Broncos next season. I know it’s frustrating losing the office bracket pool to the guy who is more interested in collecting Star Wars Tie-fighters than, as he calls it, “basketball matches.” Winning the NCAA Tourney Pool depends on an amalgam of factors including: statistical insight, years of basketball savvy, knowledge of team chemistry and going against conventional wisdom. Do I really believe this? No, just wanted to work the word “amalgam” into this piece. Here’s my strategies on filling in a winning bracket:

Science is Settled Approach: Set-up an Excel spreadsheet that ranks all 64 teams on RPI (Winning % and Strength of Schedule), Winning performance over last 30 days, Extended winning streaks during the season, Winning close games % and injury factors. Set up a macro to compile and compare versus teams in their regional brackets (maybe a Star Wars Tie-fighter type guy would help you). Review the results, then immediately crumple and throw in the trash. HaHaHa, if this approach worked, everyone would be a winner!

Toughest Mascot Wins: Identify each team’s mascot and judge which one wins in a head to head fight. For instance: Miami (Hurricanes) play the Michigan State (Spartans) and Iowa State (Cyclones) play the Nevada Wolfpack. Pick Miami and Iowa State to blow away their opponents.

Grade Schoolers Shout Out: Get your kids or grandkids to sit still for a while (duct tape might be useful) and create a game where you shout out “Michigan or Oklahoma State” and their majority choice wins.

Dominant Uniform Color: Solicit an opinion from your significant other on color choice, if teams have same colors then go with shades. Can’t help you with “Shades of Gray.” Charts exist online that show blue and orange dominant uniform color teams have the highest winning percentage in the tournament since going to 64 teams in the 1980’s.

Blindfolded Map Choice: Hang a US Map on the wall, have an assistant blindfold you and direct you to do a random pin stick. Team closest to the pin gets the nod. Need to know schools city locations. If you stick pin in assistant, closest team to where they were born is the pick.

Pet Pick: Get 2 cardboard squares large enough to hold a treat and team names. Place treat on each square and let pet go. First square they go to is your pick unless they relieve themselves on that square, then you would take the unsoiled square. Alternate square locations. Place pet on a diet after using this technique.

Popular Culture Reference: Pick team name that was in a song, band or movie title, line or joke, for instance: “What happens when the smog clears in Los Angeles?” “UCLA.”

Vehicle Tire Roulette: Get some chalk and mark team initials for each game at the 9:00 and 3:00 location on your tires (can do 4 games at a time) drive around neighborhood then return to driveway and park. Pick whichever team is closer to the 12:00 position on the tires. Erase then repeat for next games.

Well gotta go. Just chalked a tire on the car for my first pick and the dog “watered” off one of the teams, now I’m confused, should this be my pick or “eliminated” from consideration…….

Jimmie St. Vrain (Johnnie’s wiseguy brother) and Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and are products of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado. Both believe sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”

                                                                                                                            George Carlin

Day 1 Jan 12, 2017 – Longmont to Santa Fe

Started early to try and avoid the cluster funk on I-25, decided to pay the piper on E-470. Lowered our heart rates and redeemed our opinions of our fellow human beings. Smooth sailing through Pueblo. Made it just outside of Trinidad, no sightings of Caitlyn Jenner or Corporal Klinger from MASH.  We continued down Raton Pass. Interesting name, did some road crew worker back in the day see a rodent on the road and announce “look at that Rat on the road”? And did Rat-On stick?  From Raton to Las Vegas, NM you’ve got miles and miles of nothing. Perfect spot for a UFO sighting or abduction. Why does this always happen in remote areas and the people abducted make Roscoe P. Coltrane on The Dukes of Hazzard sound like a Rhodes Scholar?  Making the last miles towards Santa Fe and this really happened. No good radio to listen to, so I asked my wife to plug in the iPod and play some Van Morrison. Just out of Santa Fe near Glorietta, NM, Van Morrison began signing his Gloria song. I kid you not.  We were driving through Glorietta with Van yelling, GLORIA, Gloria, GLORIA, Gloria. Is that freaky? I am now awaiting my encounter and probe with alien abductors. Stay tuned…..

Day 2 & 3 January 13 – 14 Santa Fe

Set up in Santa Fe, which translated from Spanish to English means, “Increase Credit Card Spending Limit.” The ladies decided to spend the first day shopping, my brother-in-law and me decided to head to Los Alamos where the first atomic bomb was developed in WWII. Very scenic drive with buttes and mountain vistas about 35 miles with the last few up a winding road. The town is very clean and has a modern feel to it, must be the Fed funds. We had a “blast” at the Bradbury Science Museum that explains everything you’d ever need to know about atomic bombs and what makes them tick. We could have used a 12 year old science nerd to explain what we were seeing. Headed back to Santa Fe to meet up with the ladies (didn’t have to rent a U-Haul for their purchases) for dinner at “The Shed” which is an affordable great Mexican food place. Next day was sightseeing day in Santa Fe. Went to the Loretta Chapel that has a famous spiral staircase built in the 19th century by an unknown carpenter, using no nails or glue and not central support to a choir loft. Visited other galleries and shops during the day, then ate at a fantastic restaurant called “Sazon.” Very creative New Mexican cuisine. I tried the roasted grasshopper appetizer, tastes not like chicken but popcorn. Wonder who collects the grasshoppers for them? Hope they were “free range.” More to come…….

Day 4 January 15 – Santa Fe to Roswell to Las Cruces

Got up early, made sure our Boston Terrier pooch (Domino) had unloaded prior to being loaded into the car for our drive to Roswell, NM. For those of you not familiar with Roswell, here are the 3 main things you need to know: 1. In 1947 a supposed UFO crashed outside of town strewing debris, including alien life forms. They probably were having yucks diving their spacecraft at the many sheep and cattle in the area after consuming some “Andromeda Ale.” This reinforces the warning to don’t drink and drive even for aliens. 2. The military arrived to cart away the evidence, claiming it was just a weather balloon that had crashed. People were skeptical having seen several empty bottles of “Andromeda Ale” falling out of the transport trucks. 3. A lucrative tourist industry developed attracting curious people from around the world. We visited the UFO Museum and Research Center in Roswell. It had newspaper articles detailing the entire mystery along with some artifacts and mock ups of the aliens. Kind of corny, but we bought T-Shirts, would have liked to have bought a six pack of “Andromeda Ale,” if it had been available. We blasted off for Las Cruces via Alamogordo/White Sands National Park (think of “bleached” Sand Dunes down near Alamos, CO. Hope all your trips are out of this world!

Day 5 January 16 – Las Cruces to Tombstone to Sierra Vista, AZ

Hit I-10 west from Las Cruces heading to AZ and some Old West nostalgia at Tombstone. Arrived at Tombstone after passing “Boot Hill Graveyard and Jewish Memorial?” Parked the car and walked where Wyatt, Doc and the Clantons dared to tread. The OK Corral cost $10 to view, we passed. Saw the Bird Cage Theatre where the Cowboys peppered the ceiling with bullets, saw the saloon where Morgan Earp met his demise and the Oriental where Wyatt hung. One of my favorite movies of all time is “Tombstone” with Kurt Russell as Wyatt and Val Kilmer as Doc Holiday. For my money Kilmer’s portrayal as Doc is legendary! Got the T-Shirts stained with red dirt that say, “Tombstone, The Town to Tough to Die.” Famous lines by Wyatt and Doc from the movie “Tombstone.” Wyatt: “You tell him I’m comin’….and Hell’s comin’ with me!” “Doc Holliday: “I’m your Huckleberry, that’s just my game.” Took a very scenic road to Sierra Vista and our hotel. More to follow….

Day 6 January 17 – Sierra Vista to Bisbee, AZ

Bisbee is a quirky hill town established in the 1800’s as a copper, gold and silver mining outpost. Tours are still available at the Copper Queen Mine. My wife and I walked around the mining museum but passed on the underground tour. The town is walkable, with narrow streets lined with Victorian era buildings. Our Fitbits were crying for mercy as we ascended hundreds of steps to see the upper levels of the town. The steps and the view take your breath away. After a stop at the oxygen bar (just kidding, good business idea though), we visited many art galleries and antique shops (after a few, the antique shops got old to me, ha). Imagine if you combined Central City, CO (before the casinos), Leadville, CO and Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco, CA in a blender, you’d have a close facsimile of Bisbee. As we drove back to our hotel in Sierra Vista, we stopped at the San Pedro Riparian (Habitat Adjacent to a River) National Conservation Area. One of the most important riparian areas in the United States, the San Pedro River runs through the Chihuahuan and Sonoran Desert transition zone in southeastern Arizona and is home to many species of mammals, fish, reptiles and amphibians, and breeding birds. It also provides habitat for hundreds of species of migrant and wintering birds and contains archaeological sites that show human occupation from 13,000 years ago. We leashed up “Domino” and were ready to hit the many dirt trails and see the flora and fauna, when we both stopped and looked at the trail map and information kiosk. Ok, we’re just about to walk, when both of us read the last line on the kiosk: Warning! Don’t Leave the Paths and Keep Your Eyes on the Path. Rattlesnake Habitat! We looked at each other, then at Domino tugging on the leash, checked the time (it was 12:30pm), first nice sunny day, temp above 60 degrees, if I was a rattlesnake, where would I be today? Right! Out sunning myself! Sorry Riparians, we tenderfoots are heading to town for lunch. More to follow……

Day 7 January 18 – Sierra Vista, AZ to Longmont, CO

Our travel plans changed after checking the weather forecast for the West Coast. There was a song by Albert Hammond in the 70’s called “It Never Rains in Southern California” A line in the song goes, “It never rains in California, but girl don’t warn you, it pours, man, it pours.” Rather than risk being stuck in a La Quinta for days watching reruns of Jerry Springer, we decided to head for home and finish our trip when the weather cooperates. We decided to stop at the Petrified Forest (What’s It Scared Of?) and the Painted Desert National Parks right off I-40 near Holbrook, AZ. Our expectations were low driving into the PF, but were amazed at the many miles of the 215 million year old logs and fabulous vistas. The Painted Desert also caught us by surprise with the many shades of pink and the deep canyon, almost a smaller Grand Canyon, probably a “Vente” Canyon using a Starbucks term. Decided to “canter” from Gallup, NM to Shiprock, NM and were treated to scenic, out of this world buttes and solitary rock formations that spring from the desert floor. Stayed in Farmington, NM, then experienced another beautiful drive from Farmington, NM to Antonitio, CO via Chama, NM. The landscape evolves from high desert with buttes and canyons to alpine mountain. The road from Chama to Antonito parallels the Cumbres and Toltec railroad, one of the most scenic train rides in the West. Alas, we arrived home. Disappointed in not being able to continue our trek at this time, but stoked that we got to see many interesting and beautiful sites. What were some lessons learned along the way?

Dining in Santa Fe, grasshoppers crunchy and light.

Aliens in Roswell, they crashed, should have hung a right.

Wyatt and Doc in Tombstone, were OK after the fight.

Mining and galleries in Bisbee, Riparian Park, snakes cause for fright.

Petrified Forest and Painted Desert, surprising delight.

Farmington to Antonito, don’t miss driving at night.

Airpark Noise

Why does the City allow constant air traffic at the Vance Brand/Kimberly Gibbs Drone and Hot Air Balloon Park? I moved near the Park in 2030 and was out on my back patio watching a hologram of “Star Wars 20 – Revenge of Ella Vader, Daughter of Darth,” and I hear a Hot Air Balloon go right over my house with the propane heater burner making a “swoosh” sound. It only annoyed me, but it terrified my Pomeranian dog, “Mr. Tinkle.” He is now afraid to go outside and won’t play with his “Widdle Waddle” toy duck anymore or “sprinkle” without a worried look on his face.
RTD Northwest Train

Thirty plus years of the RTD (Revenue to Denver) giving us the boney middle finger? They promised us a commuter rail in 2004 and now 30 years later we have driverless flying bus service once a day to Denver, the “Ralph Kramdenless” Express. The RTD scammers also provided a first come first served double decker flying party bus to Boulder running on the 2nd Friday of every month. Well that bus had better be well stocked with libations, to compensate for going to the “People’s Republic” who now require you to wear an “Exhale Alarm” that flashes and beeps each time your breathing exhales exceed 3 per minute. Just doing their part to reduce CO2 emissions contributing to Global Warming, Climate Change, Global Cooling and Anything Else Change.
Jet Packers vs Flying Cars

The jet packers have never stopped at stop signs and they have no license like us flying car drivers. I come to an above air stop sign and these jet packers just blow through it. I try to keep in my flying lane and they are 4 abreast. Why can’t they learn the rules of the sky? Are they intentionally trying to piss us off or just trying to mark their space for safe travel? My wife bad-mouths them, but I’m secretly thinking of getting a jet pack with an outlawed “NRA” sticker. Please don’t tell my wife!
Prairie Sharks

I’ve walked my Sphynx hairless cat, “Yul Brenner” each morning near the old Sugar beet Factory east of Longmont for many years. Most mornings have been uneventful, until last week when one of the large prairie dog/pit bull mutant type creatures (Prairie Shark) raced out of the dark factory and grabbed Yul in one fell swoop and devoured him like an appetizer on the Mike O’Shays menu. Needless to say, I’m wondering if our Prairie Dog Mandate of 2017, putting them on the Endangered Species list was a bad decision. I’m sure my cat would think so! If these disease carrying rodents had been controlled years ago, then my Yul would still be hairless and living.
Village at Twin Peaks Gets Clothing Store

I’ve been waiting 20 years since the VATP opened for a decent clothing store to arrive after Dillards got booted. Well, low and behold I noticed on the US-China Global Federation Government video sign at the old City buildings downtown an announcement that a new clothing store was opening at the VATP called “Conform-R-US.” With the collapse of the US in 2018 and the China takeover this store offers the required politically correct outfits: jumpsuit for men and modified culottes pant suit for women that come in a variety of pleasing shades, including: gray, white or black. So “bust a move” and get as wild as your conforming self desires!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

“You Can Observe a Lot by Just Watching” – Yogi Berra

It was February. I’m in beautiful Detroit Airport, words you might never see together again – beautiful and Detroit, but the remodel is fabulous. Just finished a business trip, was sitting at a bar waiting for my flight home. Seven other humanoids bellied up to the bar for a drink or lunch…(since it was Detroit, I’m guessing drink). All held their cell phones intently staring at the screen, like B-17 bombardiers over Dresden and Nazi Germany during WWII. Once their bombs were away, the real bombardiers probably turned their attention to those around them. Too many people today, the “Down Nosers,” seem to be on an eternal “bombing run.” I asked a person to pass me the mustard. They grudgingly obliged, you would have thought I had said “Red Wings Suck.” Think “Segregation” died? Think again. It just morphed into every race, color and creed being ignored because none of them exist in the “Down Nosers” world, unless connected through their screens. Interaction, conversation, fugetaboutit! I loved the original Star Trek TV series in the late 1960’s. The workhorse tools were the “Communicator” and “Tricorder.” The “Communicator,” was a flip open communication device similar to our cell phone and the “Tricorder” gave environmental readings, close to a tablet today. These were tools used by the Star Trek characters, not security blanket talismans dominating their lives. They explored and conversed with strange new beings and creatures they encountered face to face, “Good God Man!” The show’s opening….. Space: The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise,
Its 5 year mission: To explore strange new worlds – To seek out new life and new civilizations -To boldly go where no man has gone before, might have had different results had the Enterprise’s crew been “Down Nosers” back in the day. For example:

Captain Kirk: “Scotty…..beam me up.” Scotty: “No response.” Captain Kirk: “Scotty….beam me up!” Scotty: “No response.” Captain Kirk: “Scotty…I’ve got this green lizard, “Zorn” about to kill me with its breath, BEAM…ME…UP!” Captain Kirk materializes in the “Transporter” room, yells at Scotty, “why….. didn’t you respond!” Scotty: “Ah wis texting Mr. Checkov, he sent me Th’ latest calendar holograms of Th’ “Kelvan Wummin,”some “bonnie lasses” those, Whit’s that Awfy Reek ‘n’ why’s that green lizard standing behind ye Captain?”

*Lieutenant Uhura: “Captain, Starfleet sent a red alert saying a sizable mass of anti-matter is approaching us.”Captain Kirk: “Mr Spock……what does your console reading show?” Mr. Spock: “Console reading? Oh a I don’t show any threat heading our way.” Captain Kirk: “Spock….monitor and alert me to any threat.” Sulu: “Captain look at the viewscreen, a huge negative energy amoeba is heading right for us!” Captain Kirk: “Take…evasive action Mr. Sulu!” (Captain runs to Spock’s Science Console. Spock hunched over playing a video game) Captain Kirk: “Spock, what…..are you doing?” Spock: “It’s her fault Jim (pointing to Uhura). What do you think she does when not playing “Inter-Galactic” operator? She plays “Angry Tribbles,” and it’s done a reverse “mind meld” on me,” but I’m almost to the highest level.” Captain Kirk: (turns to Dr. McCoy) “Bones can you please return Mr. Spock to his normal self?” Dr. McCoy: “Jim I’m a doctor not a Vulcan lobotomist!”

Well gotta go, the female humanoid life-form in our house has her phaser set to “stun” if I don’t get the chlorophyll loaded landscape covering sculpted soon. “Live Long and Perspire!”

Movies seemed easier to follow back in my youth (yes they were in color and had sound). I remember walking 3 miles uphill thru blizzards to the old “Trojan” Theatre on Main to catch the latest “flick.” Most were original works, not sequel, prequel, interquel, midquel or sidequel and very few remakes. Today, seems the “unique story” well has dried up, what with 29 Godzilla sequels, 12 Friday the 13^th sequel/prequels, Star Wars and Rocky with 6 or more, just to name a few. Over the past few years, I’ve thrown out some “Predictions” for the New Year and was mistakenly using a snow globe instead of a crystal ball to look into the future….sorry for the “snow job.” This year, in honor of all the pending film awards shows like the Academy Awards, Golden Globes, Screen Actors Guild and lesser known Severance, CO Film “Cuts and Nuts Festival,” the following are my movie “Nyquels” (non-actors placed into movie sequels. Do not drive, operate machinery, or do anything else that could be dangerous immediately after you read these mind droppings) I’d like to see on the big screen in 2015.

Misery II – Writer Paul (Democratic Party), puts it in the ditch again and his biggest fan Annie (Hillary Clinton) takes him to her cabin to have him all to herself. Instead of “hobbling” him this time, she makes him read her already prepared 2016 Presidential Acceptance Speech. Paul thinks “Hobbling” doesn’t seem so painful now.

The Three Stooges: Lyon, Sachs & Doodee PR Firm – the boys, Moe (John Boehner), Larry (Mitch McConnell) and Curly (Jonathan Gruber) open a Public Relations Firm teaching others how to learn their “Doodee” method of interacting, including: 1. Feigned Respect for the Public 2. Feigned Outrage 3. Feigned Taking Action 4. Feigned We Tried 5. Feigned Contriteness.

Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights 2 – Katey (Barack Obama) returns to a kinder gentler Cuba to find Javier (Raul Castro) so they can win another dance contest together. Naturally Javier leads.

You’ve got Mail: Ballot Bother– Kathleen (Boulder County Clerk Hillary Hall) corresponds with a mystery man via the internet Joe (CO State Treasurer Scott Gessler) whom she adores online, but despises in person, because his office always makes a big deal about the uncertified Boulder County election results. Kathleen decides Joe will take her to dinner at the Flagstaff House, even if the Canvass Board votes against certifying this action.

The Sting: Road Con – Henry, Johnny and JJ (Boulder County Commissars) divert millions from road repair and maintenance over to new County Building construction and Open Space purchases. When confronted with this travesty they employee the “Doodee” method.

Gone With the Wind: Carpetbaggers – Scarlett (Longmont citizens) find themselves at the mercy of the Denver Carpetbaggers (RTD) who continue to suck up local taxes to benefit Denver RTD Projects including “Light Rail.” Rail has been “sidetracked” here. The movie ends with Scarlett looking West down 1^st and Main where a train station was planned. As the sun sets she utters these famous words again, “After all, tomorrow is another day!”

Well gotta go. These Nyquels might never get made unless North Korea takes an interest, so enjoy the next sequel of “Rambo vs the Syrian Regular Army,” sponsored by “Metamucil.”

                              (Dedicated to “Parnac” and the Sultans of Swing)
For eons, mankind has competed in games of skill, when not being eaten by a sabre tooth tiger or womankind demanding they find a new decorative rock to go next to the cave entrance. Early Altoidazoic era cave paintings show a figure, let’s call him Eg, throwing what looks like a long club into a body of water. Another figure, Nawg, is holding his club above his head standing on one leg. Appears to be an early representation of golf and Eg has evidently lost his wife to Nawg in a prehistoric wager. At least Eg was off the hook on finding the decorative rock. Want to boil the human condition down to its basic elements, easily viewable? Then get thee to a golf course. Shakespeare wrote, “All the World’s a Stage.” If he would have been a golfer with a banana slice, he would have said, “All the 1st Tee Boxes are a Stage, press on Will, pray don’t shank thee!”

Meaning of Life – You’ve taken lessons, used grip and swing aids, yet you’re laser darts on the practice range turn into “spray not stream settings” on the golf course. The harder you work to hone your mechanics, the worse your handicap and enjoyment gets. You scream, “why am I here, what’s my purpose?” The others in your foursome look supportive, then burst out laughing and chime in, “your purpose meat, is to entertain us and continue to grow our drink fund with your stellar play.” Golf, like life is not fair, but allows free will. “To lay up or not to lay up, that is the question – Whether ‘tis Nobler to suffer the fairway sand or the lake and out of bounds surrounding the green on the Par 5.”

Search for Gratification – Golf, like life is not always about individual rewards, there is satisfaction in rewarding others. We want to make a difference, contribute. “But….Alas poor Jim! I knew him; a guy with a sense of humor, very patient; until I let him down as a partner in our match plays; he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now sneers, “win a hole or pay for my chiropractor, cause I’ve been carrying an extra 220 lbs. around all year!”

Sense of Curiosity – You play in a foursome with one of the “SDs.” Rare beings that carry a single digit handicap or lower, who venture down from “Mount Olympus,” to play with mere mortals occasionally. Their putts run to the hole like prairie dogs scurrying to their burrows. You wonder, what makes this skill possible? Is it the putter they’re using? You notice it’s the latest “Scotty Cameron” putter. “A Cameron, a Cameron, my kingdom for a Cameron!” You get your “Cameron,” and discover, it’s not the putting tool, it’s the tool putting it.

Awareness of the Inescapability of Death – You need to keep hydrated on the golf course during the summer. After water, beer for sure, you’ll need to visit, “the facilities.” Your mind is “Spock-like” focused on the back 9, you shoot your best round. You walk triumphantly up to the patio to join your wife and others for a drink, to share your proud moment. The tables are full. You’re halfway to her table and, that’s weird, the conversations stop. You look around and one of your supportive buddies says, “Hey, Sailor Neds trying to take a little shore leave,” pointing at your “Midshipman.” (fly zipper) Oh death where is thy sting? A man can die but once, embarrassment lives on. Well gotta go. “Parting is such sweet sorrow. Yonder lawn beckons me to hew its excess greenery. Was that driver the SD was swinging, Ping or Taylor Made?”

“When written in Chinese, the word ‘crisis’ is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.”
John F. Kennedy
Hard to ignore any of the recent articles being published regarding the pox that is fracking. It’s “purported” negative assault on air, land and water has convinced me that this process has to be the most damaging and invasive environmental ‘crisis’ we as the race called “human” have ever faced. Yes, even worse than the global catastrophic famines predicted in the 1970’s, Y2K in 2000, and the current global climate “not cooperating with scientist’s computer models” crisis. As a public service, I’d like to show how the following maladies are also as a direct result of hydraulic fracking:
Halitosis (Bad Breath) – No secret that your toothbrush (made of plastic) is a petroleum by-product as are many popular toothpastes and mouthwashes. Petroleum is used in the blue color dyes to give the appearance of being ‘minty fresh’ as advertised and in certain sweeteners to enhance the taste. If you are a true anti-fracking disciple, you’ll forgo these evil conveniences derived from fracking and migrate to other types of oral hygiene tools similar to what folks in other parts of the world use, such as twigs or fingers for a toothbrush and brick, charcoal, mud, salt or ash as a toothpaste substitute. Remember brush twice daily…
Petro Phobia Distemper – Symptoms include foaming at the mouth, compulsion to make protest signs and spew venomous invective and spittle in public spaces and meetings. Can be cured after the victim does a petroleum cleanse and eschews all transportation, heating-cooling, power, electrical devices, clothes and other products connected to the petroleum industry, then discovers “hemp” underwear is uncomfortable and itchy, leading them back to a more balanced view of fracking.
Frackenstein Phobia – A fairly recent phobia, its sufferers have developed an intense fear of burly oil field workers toiling at their well sites all day and night then going into town to relax with a beer or two. But it never is just a few beers, is it? They over-imbibe and decide to go on a monstrous destructive rampage, targeting any vehicle that is deemed environmentally friendly or anti-fracking…think Honda, Subaru, Volvo, Prius or (gasp) any electric vehicle. Folks stricken with this phobia have purchased Ford, Dodge or Chevy pickups with gun racks and bumper stickers that say “American Oil from American Soil” to drive for a night out on the town.
ED – You’ve seen the TV commercials, usually during sporting events, particularly golf. An attentive man is focused not on his remote, but on a woman, he displays a gaze similar to a lion tracking a wildebeest on the Serengeti. They whisper something (I’m guessing) besides, “hey, let’s balance our check book” and then we’re back at the golf tournament, usually a shot of the “Snoopy Blimp” flying over the course. This malady, usually affecting men, has grown since they’ve started to worry that environmentalists might have fracking banned, thus causing a gasoline shortage, which will mean longer lines to put gas in their sports cars, which will cause them to be late for the “when the time is right” moment at home. Well gotta go. My wife just appeared in the doorway of my office, what perfect timing….I just finished this article….Grrrrrrr.

Made the annual trek to “We’re So Glad to See You, Now Empty Your Pockets” (Las Vegas) with my good pals, Nelly, Iron Mike and MFO (My Favorite Okie) last week for the Pac-12 and Mountain West Basketball Tournaments. We saw great contests with sweating individuals striving against all odds to master their opponents and win. Then we left the “Blackjack” tables to go watch the basketball games…Every school has individuals that sacrifice much, train for years, exhibit school pride and don the sweaty, itchy uniform that represents the school mascot. You know them by the company they keep…..the exuberant school band, the sprightly cheerleaders and the nodding off security guard sitting nearby, hoping he doesn’t have to move to keep fans from spilling onto the floor. While watching a contest between the basketeers from UCLA and Stanford, a time out was called and the Stanford mascot trundled out onto the court. I expected to see a costumed heroic individual or an aggressive, powerful animal leap onto the court to incite and motivate the faithful to greater cheers. I just about choked on my “Dippin-Dots” when I gazed upon the Stanford mascot….it was a tree or shrub looking monstrosity derived from “El Palo Alto”, a redwood tree on both the official seal of the University and the municipal seal of Palo Alto, Stanford’s nearby city. I sat frozen, with “Dippin-Dots” on my lips and a slack-jawed stare. A tree or shrub as an unofficial mascot? Seeing this would have driven Bobby Knight to throw the whole dining room set across the floor+ and Jerry Tarkanian to bite clean through his lucky towel*. The official Stanford team name is “Cardinal,” the color…you know deep red. Guess the tree makes more sense than a color swatch running around. Maybe I need to broaden the scope of my Cro-Magnon twitchings and uber macho sensibilities. The Stanford shrub or tree may be ahead of the politically correct curve. We really need other teams to get onboard the PC train and get a move on. Some of my mascot makeover suggestions are:

Colorado State University “Ewe-Hoos,” formerly Rams. Ok, Rams suggest aggressive and male, but darn it…women make up 50% of the population and 100% of the key decision makers, when you pull the wool off our eyes.

University of Colorado “Chipaloes,” formerly Buffaloes. To be exact, Bison roamed the Plains not Buffaloes, but this change should satisfy PETA. Instead of “Ralphie” leading the charges out on those bright autumnal Saturdays, “Chip” the “bipedal” mascot will be let loose with two red-eyed Cheech and Chong look a likes tethered and leading him/her/it around the football field and into the stock trailer.

University of Wyoming “Cowpersons,” formerly Cowboys. More gender neutral and how can we allow the “Pistol Pete” mascot to carry six shooter guns in his holster? Time to soften his 1800’s image and replace his guns with bottles of sarsaparilla.

San Diego State “Lardtecs,” formerly Aztecs. A fierce looking warrior dressed as an Aztec needs to be replaced by a mascot representing a lesser know tribe shown in temple ruin drawings as portly, eating what looks to be triangle shaped maize objects that have been dipped in a bowl with a red sauce…..yes this is the seldom mentioned “Lardtecs.” Known more for their fierce eating style and gluttony, only fighting for seconds at the Mesoamerica buffet. The mascot costume will probably need to be inhabited by a “big boned” person.

University of Nevada Las Vegas “Disenfranchised Southerners,” formerly Rebels. Just going along with the current trend to revise history. All the athletic teams will have to have a much smaller letter font on their uniforms…..I would sure miss their current chant, “Rebbb…els, Rebbb…els.”

Well gotta go, my little “Ewe-Hoo” (wife) just brought some triangle shaped maize objects with sauce down to me, “Roll Lardtecs Roll!”

+ Former U of Indiana Basketball coach…1985 chair throwing incident vs Purdue U.

*Former UNLV Basketball coach….always chewed a towel during games.