Category: The Human Condition (Page 2 of 3)

I caught a glimpse of the figure edging down the sidewalk towards me. My wife and I were moving ambulatory aids (walkers, crutches and canes) from our church over to the Longmont Elks Club last summer. The figure was a small man moving painfully slow with a noticeable limp. As he moved tentatively closer to me, I could see he was hunched over in clothes that hadn’t found a day off recently. His face was creased and brown from dirt and too much time not sheltered under roof. Bloodshot eyes glanced up then away from me, either too much drink or crying….probably both. My wife had taken a load into the Elks, we were in a hurry to get the items unloaded and put away. My usual default behavior was kicking in….”don’t make eye contact, maybe he’ll get the hint and move down the street to harass someone else.” He sheepishly mumbled something under his breath that I couldn’t understand but sounded like, “can I have some spare change.” I thought, “ok, here we go…..I give you spare change, you go buy whatever feeds your addiction. I blurted, “don’t have any change,” like I was talking to a mannequin or other inanimate object….and ducked into the Elks with an armful. Coming back out, I noticed he was still there, shuffling towards my wife. This time he pointed at something my wife was carrying and he mumbled the same thing I thought he’d said to me. She stopped, understanding him better, saying “Do you want this cane.” He lowered his chin to his chest and bobbed his head up and down. She handed him the cane. He took it sheepishly, whispered a thank you and moved on. I’ve thought about the “Cane Man” a lot recently. Partly because of the frigid weather and for the way I brushed him off, assuming he was shaking me down for “spare change” instead of a “spare cane” to help with his damaged leg. I wonder what circumstances steered him to being one of the homeless; addiction, mental health issues, poverty, loss of job, the flood, lack of family and friends support…I can only imagine he and and other homeless experienced the joys of life at one time in the past? Precious newborns held tenderly by their mamas, who dreamed of their babes growing up safe and happy with jobs, families, homes…and a purpose in life? Bullet proof teens, on cloud nine because their first love helped them feel everything was right in the world. Married to their “for better or for worse mate” with loving kids in the picture and a job helping build their feelings of self-worth. What happened? When did a bright future turn into a dark day to day? The lines from a Glen Campbell song, “Try a Little Kindness” hit me a few weeks ago when I heard it, they go:

If you see your brother standing by the road – With a heavy load from the seeds he’s sowed
And if you see your sister falling by the way – Just stop and say “You’re going the wrong way.”
You got to try a little kindness, yes show a little kindness – Just shine your light for everyone to see
And if you try a little kindness then you’ll overlook the blindness – Of narrow-minded people on the narrow-minded streets.

There are a number of Longmont non-profit organizations that are providing life-sustaining support, programs which encourage movement toward self-sufficiency and a candle in the window called ”hope” to the homeless community. Organizations like, HOPE, Agape Family Services – Front Range Christian Fellowship, The Journey, CentraLongmont Presbyterian, Our Center and Inn Between just to name a few. Volunteers and Donations are always welcome. The “Cane Man” experience showed me I was one of those “narrow-minded” people from the Glen Campbell song. Have I turned into Mother Theresa? No, but I’m trying to be more empathetic and understanding of other people’s plight. I almost forgot, the last thing the “Cane Man” said to my wife and me after she had given him the cane as he was limping away was, “God Bless You.” I think he had it reversed, that’s what I should have said to him.

One of my favorite comedy segments on the Saturday Night Live TV show between 1991 and 1998 was “Deep Thoughts” by Jack Handey (creative writer and comedian). Introduced by the late Phil Hartman and read live by Handey (neither actually appeared on screen), the one-liners proved to be wildly popular. Hartman would soothingly announce “And now, Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey…”, then peaceful “New Agey” music would play while the screen showed sedate pastoral scenes and Handey would then read the Deep Thought as the text to it scrolled across the screen. Some of my favorite thoughts include:

-“If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let go, because, they’re gone, man. They’re gone.”

-“Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at the word itself. MANKIND. Basically it’s made up of two separate words “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery and that’s why so is mankind.”

I can never reach the depths of Jack Handey’s “Deep Thoughts”, but here are a few of my “Semi-Deep Thoughts:”

*Many people say we evolved from apes, well if that’s the case, why don’t they have to deal with male pattern baldness? And if they have it, then they’re toupees are much better than ours.

*The latest craze to let people know what you think is called “Twitter” and your thoughts are called “Tweets”, are the people who do this activity called “Twits?”

*They say “you can’t judge a book by its cover,” especially if it’s on a Kindle.

*I remember my kindergarten teacher made us dance around a maypole in our classroom, a girl got sick and threw-up. The poor janitor had to sprinkle sawdust on the mess. They tell you not to swim right after you eat, what a load, they should have said don’t dance around the maypole?

*Sometimes I wonder why we care if water is discovered on Mars. I can hear the “Rovers” talking to each other going, “Where are they sending you today?” “Oh on another “snipe” hunt for water.” I passed a big lake yesterday with Martians water skiing, but I turned my camera off, job security you know.”

*I watched a program on TV where they said snakes are more afraid us than we are of them. Well if that’s the case why don’t we, in our encounters, hear them scream, slither-away and swear because they have to clean their laundry after seeing us?

*I’m still waiting for someone to invent the teleportation machine used in the Star Trek shows. Transporters convert a person or object into an energy pattern (a process called dematerialization), then “beam” it to a target, where it is reconverted into matter (rematerialization). Would be just my luck that they start the machine and I sneeze or twitch which causes my head to end up at my feet as I rematerialize. Boy would I be beside myself if this happened!

*Maybe you’ve seen a rare comment about train noise in this paper. Wouldn’t it be swell if the train engineer person learned to play well known melodies on the train whistle while going through town? Imagine hearing “It’s a Small World After All, “Popeye the Sailor Man” or “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go at 4am. I bet the train engineer would take requests too.

Well gotta go, my wife just hollered down to me that the new subscription to “Hair Club for Apes” just arrived in the mail. Can’t wait to see the “silverback slick-back” look.

Male, n. A member of the unconsidered or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly know (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.

Ambrose Bierce – The Devil’s Dictionary

Well maybe Ol’ Ambrose’s definition of women’s attitude towards men is a little harsh and a sweeping indictment, he wasn’t called “Bitter Bierce” for nothing. Portrayals of men in popular culture hasn’t been very flattering over the past decades. Either we’re a bunch of bumbling idiots or maniacal killing machines. Recent news that women are either the leading or sole breadwinners in American households has spurred some people to ask the question: Why do we need men? Nationally syndicated columnists and authors Maureen Dowd and Kathleen Parker have inquired. Dowd wrote a book in 2005 titled, “Are Men Necessary?” Parker wrote in a recent column, “Despite certain imperfections, men are fundamentally good and sort of pleasant to have around. Most women still like to fall in love with them; all children want a father no matter how often we try to persuade ourselves otherwise.” In defense of my testosterone teammates, I’ve compiled the following reasons why I believe men are still needed:

Lid Liberators – You’ve got girlfriends over for a wedding shower or a jewelry party (I don’t know what’s in vogue now, remember I’m a male) and you break out your prized canned beets, but the lid on the jar is on tighter than a pair of 70’s jeans. Everyone gives it a shot, but due to fingernail concerns or “NFE” (no forearms evident), the lid stays put. But wait, you summon Mr. Man, who is downstairs watching “Lawn Bowling with Yard Gnomes” or “Caddyshack” for the 50^th time. This is the perfect audience for him, as he nonchalantly grips the jar and applies his no sweat twist….voila, the lids off without missing a beet.
Keepers of the Barbeque Flame – Notice who is “manning” the grill when it’s time to put a char on a piece of meat or soy burger? Men. There is a genetic explanation for this. After many millennium, men’s hands have perfectly evolved to provide a perfect fit for a beer can and a BBQ implement. Oh sure women can grill, but they are going against nature in doing so.
Bump in the Night Responders – It’s 2am in the morning and there’s an unfamiliar sound in another part of your house. Guess who usually gets the nod to go investigate? You’re right! The XY Chromie Homie. We aren’t excited to do it, but feel it’s our duty to protect home and hearth, besides it’s a good excuse to visit the bathroom.
Movie Quote Reciters – Need a quote from a movie for Trivial Pursuit or a conversation? Many men can spend hours talking to buddies using nothing more than famous quotes from movies and then laugh at ones they’ve heard hundreds of times. Women, use this resource…..most guys are much more personable than “Google,” and we won’t track you’re buying habits.
Fashion or Hairdo Cheerleaders – Don’t we all appreciate a positive comment about how we look? Especially when we’ve left the torn shirt and sweatpants at home and dressed up. Do women appreciate a nice comment from a man (not with an ulterior motive) regarding their clothes or hair? I think most do. If men are gone, then women will be totally dependent on other women making positive comments. That is all I can safely say on this subject. Well gotta go. I just heard my wife yell that I needed to run to the backyard and relocate a garter snake to a less public part of our garden……I needed to add that to the list…..Garter Snake Relocators. Happy Father’s Day!

Las Vegas means “The Meadows” in Spanish. In the 19th century, areas of the valley contained artesian wells that supported extensive green areas or meadows (vegas in Spanish); hence the name Las Vegas. Today in Las Vegas, NV the most extensive green areas you’ll see aren’t the meadows, but miles and miles of felt covered gaming tables designed to take possession of your “green.” I recently accompanied some pals, The “Stir the Pot” gang to Vegas to watch the Pac 12 and Mountain West Basketball Tournaments. One pal, “D-Man,” after an especially prosperous hand, arose from a blackjack table we occupied and started doing the “Stir the Pot” dance (imagine stirring a huge soup pot with a large spoon). The rest of us joined in, followed by the dealer, people at other tables, people passing by the table outside the entryway, then security staff…an impromptu flash mob dance. We later toasted the “D-Man” for his spontaneous display and passed around the “Advil.” Walking the Las Vegas Strip can expose you to various exotic flora and fauna. Vegas, like Longmont, has many folks standing on street corners with their cardboard and magic marker signs asking for help. The city does have Homeless Shelters and Food Bank/Soup Kitchen resources available. I’m not making light of the sign holder’s life situation and am fortunate to have a roof over my head and food on the table, but some of the signs in Las Vegas were the most creative and yes, humorous I’ve seen, for instance:
* My Family was Killed by Alien Ninjas – Need Money for Karate Lessons *
* Need Money for Cosmetic Enhancements *
* OK – I Just Need Money for a Beer *
A Bible verse contains, For God loves a cheerful giver. What we saw in Vegas were examples of cheerful receivers. I’m just wondering what other “Help Wanted” humorous signs we might have seen, had we ventured further down the Strip…….Possibly the following?
* Sequestered White House Tour Guide – Forget About Hope, Just Give Me Your Change *
* Friend of Dennis Rodman – Must Buy Wedding Gift for His Marriage to N. Korea’s Kim Jung Un. They’re Registered at “Barbwire Bombs and Beyond” *
* Former Lance Armstrong PR Director – Need Money to Pedal My Book *
* Financial Advice on What Not to Invest In – For a Small Fee *
* Ran Out of Gas in My Electric Car – Need Money or Charge Card *
* Have Winning Powerball Ticket – Need Money to Get to Lottery Claims Office – Give Address, Will Split Jackpot *
* Wife Ran Off with Bulgarian Dwarf from Circus – Talk About a Shrinking “Euro” Crisis – Need Money *
* Lost Wallet on “Dancing With the Stars” While Doing the Rumba – Need Money for Tap Lessons *
* Intersection Crossing Guard – $.50 Per Crossing *
* Confucius Say: Man Who Live in Glass House, Dress in Basement – Tips Appreciated for this Word of Wisdom *
Well gotta go, my wife just came into the room and she’s holding a cardboard sign that says:
* Wife Say: Husband Who Overspends in Las Vegas, Has Spousal Attention Deficit Disorder *

As many of you might realize, the world is a very dangerous place. And since we live in Boulder County, many might say we live in the world. Although at times it feels like we live on planet “Bassackwardsagonia.” Being that the world is very dangerous, I was so relieved to read that on January 23, 2013 our DHS (Department of Homeland Security) used its Twitter account to offer “tips” on how to deal with the winter weather. A portion of the tip sheet reads: During Winter Storms and Extreme Cold * Stay indoors during the storm. * Walk carefully on snow and icy walkways. * Avoid overexertion when shoveling snow. Overexertion can bring on a heart attack—a major cause of death in the winter. If you must shovel snow, stretch before going outside. * Keep dry. Change wet clothing frequently to prevent a loss of body heat. Wet clothing loses all of its insulating value and transmits heat rapidly. * If you are shoveling your walk and notice a Predator Drone hovering above you, do not point your finger in a gun-like manner or throw an imaginary grenade at the Drone, unless you want your walk cleared real fast. OK, I made that last helpful suggestion up. Since we need constant supervision on living in this very dangerous world, I thought I would assist Janet Napolitano, Mayor Bloomberg and Glorious Leader by offering these survival tips for Boulder County: During Anytime of the Year * Every few months, due to things called seasons, our weather becomes warmer or colder, rainy or snowy (talk about climate change). Wearing more or fewer clothes depending on this change is warranted, unless you’re a teenager, then you’re aversion to coats exceeds Governor Chris Christie’s to a treadmill. Keep informed on season change by watching or listening to your local news, making this judgement yourself can be very dangerous. * There are big rock formations west of Longmont called mountains. If you need to drive in them, be careful, this can be very dangerous. Watch the road because it can be very serpentine (un-straight) and steep, so keep both hands on the wheel and use your brakes to slow down. If you have to pull off the road at a “Scenic Overlook” to take pictures, this can be very very dangerous. Say you get out of your vehicle, point your camera to get a picture of some of the “Scenic” and a chipmunk mistakes your hair for a twig nest, startling you and causing you to fall over the “Overlook.” This could cause you to lose your life and possibly a very nice photo. * Hunting animals is very dangerous. Consider using your gun, but leave the shells or bullets at home. If you get close enough, most animals will give up. A shot with a loaded weapon could ricochet of a rock and hit a Boulder Police Officer looking for a wounded elk. * If you must go to Boulder, also very dangerous, do not wear your antler hat or make elk rutting noises. * Erie is a very dangerous place because of fracking. The air quality has been reported to be similar to Mars and I think I’ve seen video of the Mars Curiosity Rover coughing up phlegm. If you must drive past Erie, I suggest you hold your breath, but don’t hold it too long, you might pass out and have an accident. Wearing a full face respirator might help, but the police might think you’re a terrorist. Maybe it’s best if you avoid driving past Erie. Thomas Jefferson wrote: “Whenever people are well informed, they can be trusted with their own government.” Paint me distrustful of government micromanaging my life. Well, gotta go. I’ve got to drive to Boulder. Think I’ll drive past Erie with the windows down, take a deep breath, stop for a greasy hamburger, salty fries and a 48 ounce soft drink. Next snowstorm I’ll stretch for an hour prior to shoveling.

Predictions are tough, even for the most famous prognosticator, Nostradamus. This 16th century French apothecary (medieval pharmacist) and reputed seer published collections of prophecies or quatrains about events hundreds of years into the future that have since become famous worldwide, but are open to misinterpretation. A popular legend states that he attempted the ancient method of water gazing to go into a “trance like” state to see reflections of future events. I’m predicting that he probably wasn’t very popular at 16th century “pool” parties. Party host Duke of Croissant says, “what’s up with your brother?” All he does is stare into the pool talking to himself.” “I apologize, he won’t even take time to give me the results from next weeks jousting matches,” said Yestradamus (Nostradamus’s younger, more hip brother). As I sit here gazing into a scotch bottl….er pitcher of iced tea trying to discern local events yet to happen in 2013, here’s what I predict:
Maya Goodbya
The Mayan Calendar based prediction that the world would end on 12/21/12 didn’t happen. I have information from a reliable source (his Aunt dated a Mayan guy) that the Mayan scribe, Gotsum-Iritable-Bowell who carved the Long Count Calendar calculations into stone was actually dyslexic. Based on an always credible late night AM radio show, I heard the new “End of World” date moves to 12/21/21.
Main Street Dismount Zone
The Longmont Downtown Development Authority implements a dismount zone specifically for bike riders and skateboarders, but the City’s legal team not wanting the ordinance to specifically single out the bikers and boarders, includes an exhaustive list of modes of transportation requiring a dismount, here’s a sampling: persons or cute animals riding the following: dogs, cows, pigs, horses (includes stick ponies), camels, elephants, emu, gnu, goa, (Segway to non-animal modes), Shriner minicycles, unicycles, clown cars, Soap Box Derby cars, “Big Wheels”, rodeo clown barrels, Mini-Coopers, shopping carts, balance balls. Persons using a jet pack, “Jetson” car, Star Wars speeder bike, podracer or cloud car that maintain a minimum height of 10′ above the sidewalk will be exempt from the dismount ordinance, but might face the wrath of the CQS (Citizens for Quiet Skies) airport noise droids.
Squirrel’s Gone Bad
In 2012, several TC line contributors complained about squirrels being noisy, destructive tree-rats and that the city needed to help alleviate this problem. Well in 2013 the city has enough on it’s plate with the pending revenue hit from the Fracking Ban, hope they’ve “rat-holed” plenty of money. I predict part of the Boulder County Environmental Sustainability plan will include a 50% match of the cost for Longmont citizens to hire world famous Caesar Salad, “The Squirrel Whisperer” to come and help work with them and their yard-mates. Caesar believes there are no bad squirrels just bad human custodians. He teaches the disgruntled custodians to change their attitudes and to talk calmly with their squirrels in a soothing friendly voice. Instead of “Hey you furry little humping machine, get off my bird feeder.” They are taught to say, “Hi Mr or Ms squirrel, isn’t it a wonderful day? Would you like to come sit by me, while I finish my coffee and whittle for a while?”
RTD Fare increase
Another fare increase is implemented by the “Reason to Drive” monopoly. Cue “Money for Nothing” by the band Dire Straits.

Well gotta go. I recorded the latest episode of “The Squirrel Whisperer” and Caesar Salad is going to show how to train a squirrel to saddle up and ride your family dog. Remember to dismount your furry buddy should you take them on Main Street next year. Utzul Mank’inal (Happy Holidays – rough translation in Mayan)

Dear Jimmie – I love your brother Johnnie St. Vrain’s columns, but I figured he’s busy with serious questions and stuff so I thought I would ask you this question. Where in the world can a person (me) find unique gifts for family and friends? Last year I made everyone some cute lacquered Popsicle stick hot pads. When they opened them up they got this look, well the best I can describe it is the look someone gets when they just learned their car’s been towed.
Ima Little-Crafty

Dear Ima – Have you thought about making them habenero flavored Popsicle tongue depressors this year? Just a thought. Sounds like you’re gift options enthusiasm has melted (get it Popsicle…melted ….never mind) this year and you don’t want to just trade gift cards? (When You Care the Most to Send the Very Least) Well have I got some exciting news for you…I’ve searched high and low, far and wide, over hill and dale, from hither to yon….ok…ok get to the point eggnog breath! I’ve found a treasure trove of unique, recently undiscovered gifts that are sure to astound those on your Christmas list and might even give you rights to wear the “mistletoe hat” this year! These one of a kind gifts can’t be found in any store or online, I’ll give you a call, do you have any of those Popsicle stick hot pads left? Here are some of the more popular gift discoveries:
President Obama Doll – Sure to please Republican’s on your list, this lifelike doll is dressed in a copy of one of the President’s favorite suits and has a tiny US flag lapel pin that is removable. A talking pull string is built into the back of the doll and when pulled utters, “You didn’t build that….Solyndra.”
House Speaker John Boehner Tanning Lamp – Can’t exclude Democrats on your list. Want that just back from the beach or golf course “too tan to trust” look just like the Speaker? This lamp is just the ticket, it has the Democrat donkey emblem and “trickle down” sand timer on it’s base. Priced without tax.
Fiscal Cliff Bar – This tasty adult “De-Energy” bar contains dark chocolate, vitamins, minerals and a new organic, locally grown product known for it’s “ahem” medicinal properties. Once you finish one, the last thing on your mind is the increased taxes and economic slowdown looming in 2013….you’ll be laser focused on a Twinkie stuffed with Cheetos and if that’s not available you’ll gladly snarf the stringed popcorn wrapped around the Christmas tree while Rover blocks the door to his Eukanuba.
RTD FasTracks Model Train Set – Itching to take that ride on RTD’s FasTracks Limited? Emphasis on the Limited, this model train set comes with the track but doesn’t include the actual train. Think how this will expand your kids imagination, they can construct their own unique trains to ride the rails….wouldn’t a prairie dog shaped engine car look cute? Even though the box promised a complete set, you can pay a surcharge to get the actual cars that are on back-order until 2040. WhooWhoo!
Boulder County Open Space Ouija Board – Looking for a reliable decision making tool that is fun to operate and doesn’t take batteries? This board is modeled after the garnet and ruby embossed County Commissioners model….ours has simulated garnet and rubies. Easy to operate….just tap into that spiritual entity known as “SWAG” and land on that Open Space bargain. You get a mulligan-do over if you land on the Boulder County Courthouse….we’re already paying for that!

Well gotta go! Ms. St. Vrain just came down wearing the “mistletoe hat” wanting to know what happened to all of Rover’s Eukanuba! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

I’m guessing most of you are familiar with the books and movie focusing on the bucket list, which consists of memorable things you should do or see before you leave this life (kick the bucket). Some of the items on my list are: take a river cruise from Amsterdam to Budapest, visit Australia, see the WWII Memorial in Washington D.C. and locally, see the famous Soap and Deodorant Museum in Hygiene. I’ll come clean, I made that last item up. Equally important to me as my bucket list is my duck-it list. These are things I want to avoid doing or seeing before I take the eternal leave of absence. Here’s just a few from that list:

Running With the Bulls

Every July thousands of runners assemble in Pamplona, Spain ready to continue the tradition of running with the bulls from corrals outside the city to the bullring. They dress in the traditional clothing of the festival of Sanfermines, white shirt and trousers with a red waistband and neckerchief. In one hand, they hold the day’s newspaper rolled to draw the bulls’ attention from them if necessary. (hopefully the bull’s want to slow down to read the Editorial page) Two rules that caught my attention: 1. Runners who are drunk, drugged or otherwise perceived to be a danger to others, will not be allowed to run. (guess the bulls are exempt from this rule) 2. Do not distract, grab onto, harass or mistreat the animals. (doubt if many runners are going to stop and tease the bulls by saying, “Why do bulls/cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work!”) If I feel the urge to get trampled or gored, I’ll line up in the wee hours at the Walmart Superstore doors waiting for them to open on the day after Thanksgiving (Black and Blue Friday).

Chernobyl, Ukraine Tour

The Chernobyl disaster was a catastrophic nuclear accident that occurred in 1986 at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant in the Ukraine, then part of the old Soviet Union. An explosion and fire released large quantities of radioactive contamination into the atmosphere, which spread over much of Western USSR and Europe. A 19 mile largely uninhabited “zone of alienation” exists today. The good news is officials estimate it should be safe for human habitation in only 20,000 years. If you’re not in a hurry this could present an opportunity for patient property flippers. Despite local authorities “glowing” reviews on the safety of the tour, I think I’ll pass.

Bungee Jumping

Millions of people around the globe have safely done this from various heights and locations. Here’s my fear….I pull up to your run of the mill bungee jumping tower at a local carnival in the parking lot of a shopping center. The usual operator has come down with the Jack Daniel’s flu for the day and he’s pleaded with the guy that runs the Ferris wheel to substitute for him. The Ferris wheel guy reluctantly agrees to step in for the bungee guy. So besides being in a bad mood, being bad with numbers and having a bad memory, he needs to adjust the length of the bungee to the height of the tower that day. Oops! So it doesn’t take a stretch of your imagination to see where I’m going with this…

National Odor-Eaters Rotten Sneaker Contest

The National Odor-Eaters Rotten Sneaker Contest in Montpelier, VT, in its 37^th year, has gained a certain “cachet” as the ultimate contest showing just how dirty and stinky sneakers can get in an active kid’s life. Sneakers are judged by a panel on the conditions of the sole, tongue, heel, toe, laces or Velcro, eyelets/grommets, overall condition and most important ODOR. The Champion confessed that his sneakers got dirty and smelly because he plays a lot of soccer, also does fishing, hiking, and dip netting…and he just has naturally stinky feet.

Well gotta go. Just got the urge to open a Soap and Deodorant Museum in Longmont.

It’s August, and the Boulder County Fair has come and gone. The aromas of the fiendishly decadent deep fried fan favorites, le funnel cake, le corn dog and le twinkie that wafted over the Fair Midway have dissolved. Word has it that Mayor Bloomberg of New York City will visit the Fair next year. The Mayor loves raw oysters and has never sampled the “Rocky Mountain” variety. Aack! Hold on, I just about spit out my “Big Gulp!” Animals have been curried, trimmed, cleaned and hauled back home after putting their best foots, er hooves forward. The Fair gives many people a glimpse of our agrarian past. I’ve been on a farm before, but like other “city dwellers” am not up to snuff on many of the intricacies and practices of farm and ranch living. Apple iPhone has an existing personal assistant application named, “Siri” that responds to your questions about the weather, business locations and a number of other amazing topics. Imagine if along with “Siri”, I had a Boulder County Fair personal assistant named “Ringo,” get it…cowboy sounding and phone ring…..never mind. I sure could have used Ringo’s help with the following questions while at the Fair:
Kris – Ringo, what do you call a female and a male sheep?
Ringo – Ewe is a female and Ram is a male.
Kris – Did you just say I was a female, you is a female?
Ringo – ????? Recalibrating, Female sheep is Ewe.
Kris – Did you just say I’m a female sheep, female sheep is you.
Ringo – ????? Not programmed for sarcasm. Please rephrase.
Kris – Ringo, why are bulls turned into steers?
Ringo – To control the genetics of your herd by not allowing inferior genetics into the cowherd, as well as preventing inbreeding or linebreeding. To reduce aggressiveness; steers are easier to handle and less dangerous than bulls, and are not as rough on equipment, nor do they fight as often. You are apt to get more money when selling good steer calves than bull calves. The beef industry and consumers alike favor steer carcasses over bulls because the meat is less lean.
Kris – Do the steers have higher pitched singing voices than bulls?
Ringo – Only when they sing something by the “Cowsills!” Ha Ha Ha, I’ll be here all week.
Kris – Ringo, do rodeo clowns go to a school to learn their trade?
Ringo – A number of schools exist across the US that train rodeo “bullfighters” or clowns. Rodeo clown schools train their students on how to handle animals as well as comedy routines and face-painting skills. The most agile and comedically gifted clowns are assigned as barrel men, who divide their time between working the crowds, getting in the animals’ faces and ducking into barrels to protect themselves.
Kris – If all the students in a Rodeo Clown school are clowns, how do they determine who is the “Class Clown?”
Ringo – I think you should ask “Siri” that question.
Kris – Ringo, how do you prepare “Rocky Mountain Oysters?”
Ringo – First you need to make sure they have been removed from the bull, ha ha ha a little iPhone Assistant humor, put me in Rodeo Clown school and I’d be the class clown. When Mayor Bloomberg visits next year, tell him like sushi, these are a delicacy in Japan when eaten raw. Make sure you have a “Big Gulp” handy for him after he takes the first bite.

Graduates, as you walk to the podium to accept your “sheepskin,” (now a paper diploma, sheep stopped donating their epidermis by unionizing as the “Brotherhood of Animals Against Diplomas,” BAAD for short) remember the uplifting vision of your future spoken by your Valedictorian, then your other Valedictorian, followed by the next, almost done, just a couple more. Dreaming big is important. I remember one of our high school class mottos was “For Life is a Journey,” a positive message back in my day,  decades before facing the prospect of TSA gropings at the airport. I’ll leave the “Big Picture” vision to your Valedictorians and parents. Based on my experience, and the fact that I earned a “mastadonskin,” I’d like to share a few “life lessons” I’ve learned on my journey.
Don’t Embarrass Yourself at Graduation
When you do something stupid at graduation, someone captures it on their cellphone. When someone captures it on their cellphone, they post it on Facebook. When they post it on Facebook and it goes viral, you become the laughingstock to millions of people. When you become the laughingstock to millions of people, you decide to get cosmetic surgery to hide your identity. When you get cosmetic surgery to hide your identity, it can go wrong and make you look like a former pop star. When you look like a former pop star, someone captures it on their cellphone…..don’t embarrass yourself at graduation.
Prove You’re a Thinker by Using the Blinker
Today’s cars are a marvel of engineering with many amazing functional pieces of equipment. One functional piece of equipment that comes standard with each vehicle is called a “blinker.” It is usually located on the steering wheel column and it allows you to signal to other drivers that you are making a left or right turn or changing lanes. Once you get used to using your blinker, you might grow to enjoy the “blinker tone,” click..click…click. Folks my age and older sometimes like the blinker tone so much, we leave our blinker on long after we’ve made our turns or changed lanes. Other friendly, helpful drivers pass and give us a gesture reminding us that our blinker is still on.
Mattress Rebel
Until recently, most mattress tags contained the scary statement that removing the tag was illegal and punishable by law. If you do have a mattress with a tag that you want to remove, feel free. The Federal Government has eliminated the Department of Mattress Tag Enforcement to allocate more resources to the GSA and Secret Service party planning and female escort initiatives.
High School Reunions
Now that high school will be in your rear-view mirror, you get to look forward to reunions. Each of them has a different vibe and feel. Since my next reunion will be the 40 Year, I’m guessing what my experience will be at the 40^th – 70^th .
10 Year – The “Peacock” Reunion. Show off vibe. Typical conversations revolve around money, status, perfect wife and kids, exotic vacations.
20 Year – The “Beaver” Reunion. Busy with career and family obligations, forget serious stuff for a night and enjoy the moment vibe. Typical conversations revolve around how lame the 10 Year Reunion was, mortgage, sick kids, 2^nd wife, boss sucks, politics, found a grey hair last week.
30 Year – The “Dolphin” Reunion. Communal, who cares what you were like in high school vibe. Typical conversations revolve around diets, how lame the next generation is, how lame you were in high school, hobbies. Have you tried the guacamole? It’s great!
40 Year – The “Elephant” Reunion. Remember when vibe. Typical conversations revolve around classmates who have passed away. What was your name again? I’m going to need an Advil IV after dancing the “Funky Chicken.”
50 – 70 Year – The “Bear” Reunion. We hibernate most nights at home vibe. Typical conversations revolve around how many classmates will show, how lame the next 2 generations are, why are the drinks so expensive, wished I would have grown my hair down to my shoulders back in the day.Well gotta go, just saw a “Hair Club for Men” commercial and they say I could have shoulder length hair! Nah better not; it would just get in my eyes when I’m doing the “Funky Chicken!”