Category: The Human Condition (Page 3 of 3)

reality show –n
a television show in which members of the public or celebrities are filmed living their everyday lives or undertaking specific challenges

Need more drama or stress in your life? Your reality getting you down, how about tuning in to someone else’s reality? There’s a show for you, from Southern swamps to Manhattan boardrooms you can live vicariously through folks stuck in the “MUD” (made up drama) or experiencing some of the “Seven Deadly Sins:” Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Acedia (Dejection), Wrath, Envy, Pride, Vainglory. What you might have missed are some of the reality show pilots that didn’t make the network series cut for one reason or another:
The Wisconsin “Squeeze” Heads
Dairy farmers Swen and Olaf Swedlund’s travails running a 75-head cow operation with their pet pig, “Sir Francis Bacon.” Swen is the most gregarious, talkative character, followed by the pig, then Olaf. The pilot showed the boys getting up before the roosters, doing their chores while Swen does his hilarious rapid fire barnyard shtick. “What goes oo ooo oooo?” asks Swen. “A cow with no lips!” This cracks up Sir Francis Bacon, who grunts approvingly. Olaf just rolls his eyes. This pilot was well received and had a real chance to get a weekly slot, it evoked memories of the 1960’s series, “Green Acres.” Unfortunately a tragic accident shut it down. A PETA protester crept into the barn and tried to sabotage the automatic milking machinery and ended up causing a huge explosion that creamed the protester and caused “udder” destruction.
American Idle
The show looking for the the most slothful, lazy, couch potato layin-Gameboy playin-not mowin the lawn-all they do is yawn, person in the country. Contestant videos are played for the audience and judges to determine the “Idle” winner. Judges for the pilot were: Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton and the Federal Government’s Corruption and Conflict of Interest Czar. The show was doomed after the pilot showed a clip of a 35 year old guy living at home playing video games all day and complaining when his mother who just had a double knee replacement brings home the wrong flavor of Cheese Doodles. The network execs turned thumbs down, it’s not nice to disparage Mom with two new knees over your stinkin choice of cheese!
Road Warrior Chefs
Hate to see any food wasted, well you’re of the same mind as the chefs who drive the highways and byways searching for the unfortunate critters that got in the way of the rubber meeting the road. The chefs brought in a selection they found from the “Roadway Pantry” and whip up a dish in 1 hour that went before the judges for the taste test. The judges were people hungry for their first shot at fame. “You wouldn’t eat road kill would you?” The pilot featured an especially tasty dish created by one of the chefs called, “Squashed Possum Fricassee.” Every judge loved the presentation, plating, sauce and all commented that it tasted a lot like chicken. The show was canceled after the pilot when it was discovered that a protester for PETDA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Dead Animals) was out on a highway one of the chefs was on and got hit by a rendering truck.

Well gotta go, I’m working on a reality show idea to submit about a conservative libertarian living in Boulder that decides to run for Boulder County Commissioner who gets a chance for an open exchange of ideas and honest representations in the People’s Republic Press. On second thought, this idea would probably be a better fit on the remake of “Fantasy Island.”

Dear Jimmie –

I’ve been reading that squirrels are chewing people’s car wiring. I park on the street and was more worried about someone breaking into my car and stealing my stereo or my Barry Manilow CD collection. Should I now add squirrels munching on my wires as something to fret about?

Ima Wurywort

Dear Ima –

First off, let me state, I’m sorry anyone has had their vehicle wires chewed by any animal and I can guarantee your Barry Manilow CD collection is safe. As for squirrels chewing your wiring, I would think there’s a greater chance a pack of wolverines descend on your home, kick you out and hold a Super Bowl party while swilling “Bud Light.”  Sure squirrels have been called ‘tree rats” and  “Dunlop dodgers.” From my experience squirrels are usually fixated on collecting nuts for the winter, raiding bird feeders, grooming or acting like Charlie Sheen after numerous cups of coffee and cigarettes. I think there is a rodentia conspiracy going on to cast squirrels in a negative light. I believe jealous woodchucks (groundhogs) and prairie dogs have gotten together via the “RodentiaNet” and conspired to attach squirrel tail disguises and then munch on car wires. It’s well know that both woodchucks (groundhogs) and prairie dogs are jealous of the favorable treatment squirrels have received in the media. Consider the cartoon Rocky and Bullwinkle, Rocky is a flying squirrel, the  “National Lampoon Christmas Vacation” movie squirrel that leaps from the tree onto Clark Griswold, “Hammy” from the animated movie “Over the Hedge.” How many respectful woodchuck (groundhog) or prairie dog media representations have you seen?  The woodchuck (groundhog) population has to have their fur up about the annual ritual one of their own, “Punxsutawney Phil” has to endure on February 2. Who cares if it’s cloudy and Phil comes out of his burrow (winter to end soon), or it’s sunny and he sees his shadow and (six more weeks of winter), the ceremony is the same year after year, hey what a great theme for a movie…..what should it be called?  The sing-songey poem doesn’t help either, “How much wood
 would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? As much wood
 as a woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could chuck wood.”Prairie dogs also have a serious case of squirrel envy built up, what media figure of their clan can they feel positive about and how many people would let them cavort and run around in their back yards? I’ve read about the antidotes to so-called squirrel attacks on wiring, including fox urine and extreme hot sauce. I would think these antidotes would keep the squirrel impostors at bay, but might encourage vampires or zombies. If you’re still concerned about your vehicle wires being the main course here’s some possible actions to ward off the toothy terrors: I got the first 2 from a site on the internet, http://www.ehow.com/how_2352894_rid-woodchucks garden.HTML, the 3^rd one is mine:

11 1.Place garden ornaments, pinwheels, balloons, beach balls or shopping bags that move with the wind and make noise around the vehicle. This may scare the woodchuck or prairie dog away.
2.Try ammonia-soaked rags hanging from posts, mothballs scattered around the outside, or cayenne pepper spray throughout the vehicle and perimeter. Of course all of these require upkeep in order to be effective at keeping the critters away.
3.Get a portable CD player that you can set to play in “repeat mode.” Position the player under your vehicle’s hood and play any Barry Manilow CD from your collection while the vehicle is parked. Guaranteed to keep woodchucks (groundhogs), prairie dogs, vampires and zombies miles away.