As many of you might realize, the world is a very dangerous place. And since we live in Boulder County, many might say we live in the world. Although at times it feels like we live on planet “Bassackwardsagonia.” Being that the world is very dangerous, I was so relieved to read that on January 23, 2013 our DHS (Department of Homeland Security) used its Twitter account to offer “tips” on how to deal with the winter weather. A portion of the tip sheet reads: During Winter Storms and Extreme Cold * Stay indoors during the storm. * Walk carefully on snow and icy walkways. * Avoid overexertion when shoveling snow. Overexertion can bring on a heart attack—a major cause of death in the winter. If you must shovel snow, stretch before going outside. * Keep dry. Change wet clothing frequently to prevent a loss of body heat. Wet clothing loses all of its insulating value and transmits heat rapidly. * If you are shoveling your walk and notice a Predator Drone hovering above you, do not point your finger in a gun-like manner or throw an imaginary grenade at the Drone, unless you want your walk cleared real fast. OK, I made that last helpful suggestion up. Since we need constant supervision on living in this very dangerous world, I thought I would assist Janet Napolitano, Mayor Bloomberg and Glorious Leader by offering these survival tips for Boulder County: During Anytime of the Year * Every few months, due to things called seasons, our weather becomes warmer or colder, rainy or snowy (talk about climate change). Wearing more or fewer clothes depending on this change is warranted, unless you’re a teenager, then you’re aversion to coats exceeds Governor Chris Christie’s to a treadmill. Keep informed on season change by watching or listening to your local news, making this judgement yourself can be very dangerous. * There are big rock formations west of Longmont called mountains. If you need to drive in them, be careful, this can be very dangerous. Watch the road because it can be very serpentine (un-straight) and steep, so keep both hands on the wheel and use your brakes to slow down. If you have to pull off the road at a “Scenic Overlook” to take pictures, this can be very very dangerous. Say you get out of your vehicle, point your camera to get a picture of some of the “Scenic” and a chipmunk mistakes your hair for a twig nest, startling you and causing you to fall over the “Overlook.” This could cause you to lose your life and possibly a very nice photo. * Hunting animals is very dangerous. Consider using your gun, but leave the shells or bullets at home. If you get close enough, most animals will give up. A shot with a loaded weapon could ricochet of a rock and hit a Boulder Police Officer looking for a wounded elk. * If you must go to Boulder, also very dangerous, do not wear your antler hat or make elk rutting noises. * Erie is a very dangerous place because of fracking. The air quality has been reported to be similar to Mars and I think I’ve seen video of the Mars Curiosity Rover coughing up phlegm. If you must drive past Erie, I suggest you hold your breath, but don’t hold it too long, you might pass out and have an accident. Wearing a full face respirator might help, but the police might think you’re a terrorist. Maybe it’s best if you avoid driving past Erie. Thomas Jefferson wrote: “Whenever people are well informed, they can be trusted with their own government.” Paint me distrustful of government micromanaging my life. Well, gotta go. I’ve got to drive to Boulder. Think I’ll drive past Erie with the windows down, take a deep breath, stop for a greasy hamburger, salty fries and a 48 ounce soft drink. Next snowstorm I’ll stretch for an hour prior to shoveling.
Month: April 2014 (Page 2 of 3)
Predictions are tough, even for the most famous prognosticator, Nostradamus. This 16th century French apothecary (medieval pharmacist) and reputed seer published collections of prophecies or quatrains about events hundreds of years into the future that have since become famous worldwide, but are open to misinterpretation. A popular legend states that he attempted the ancient method of water gazing to go into a “trance like” state to see reflections of future events. I’m predicting that he probably wasn’t very popular at 16th century “pool” parties. Party host Duke of Croissant says, “what’s up with your brother?” All he does is stare into the pool talking to himself.” “I apologize, he won’t even take time to give me the results from next weeks jousting matches,” said Yestradamus (Nostradamus’s younger, more hip brother). As I sit here gazing into a scotch bottl….er pitcher of iced tea trying to discern local events yet to happen in 2013, here’s what I predict:
Maya Goodbya
The Mayan Calendar based prediction that the world would end on 12/21/12 didn’t happen. I have information from a reliable source (his Aunt dated a Mayan guy) that the Mayan scribe, Gotsum-Iritable-Bowell who carved the Long Count Calendar calculations into stone was actually dyslexic. Based on an always credible late night AM radio show, I heard the new “End of World” date moves to 12/21/21.
Main Street Dismount Zone
The Longmont Downtown Development Authority implements a dismount zone specifically for bike riders and skateboarders, but the City’s legal team not wanting the ordinance to specifically single out the bikers and boarders, includes an exhaustive list of modes of transportation requiring a dismount, here’s a sampling: persons or cute animals riding the following: dogs, cows, pigs, horses (includes stick ponies), camels, elephants, emu, gnu, goa, (Segway to non-animal modes), Shriner minicycles, unicycles, clown cars, Soap Box Derby cars, “Big Wheels”, rodeo clown barrels, Mini-Coopers, shopping carts, balance balls. Persons using a jet pack, “Jetson” car, Star Wars speeder bike, podracer or cloud car that maintain a minimum height of 10′ above the sidewalk will be exempt from the dismount ordinance, but might face the wrath of the CQS (Citizens for Quiet Skies) airport noise droids.
Squirrel’s Gone Bad
In 2012, several TC line contributors complained about squirrels being noisy, destructive tree-rats and that the city needed to help alleviate this problem. Well in 2013 the city has enough on it’s plate with the pending revenue hit from the Fracking Ban, hope they’ve “rat-holed” plenty of money. I predict part of the Boulder County Environmental Sustainability plan will include a 50% match of the cost for Longmont citizens to hire world famous Caesar Salad, “The Squirrel Whisperer” to come and help work with them and their yard-mates. Caesar believes there are no bad squirrels just bad human custodians. He teaches the disgruntled custodians to change their attitudes and to talk calmly with their squirrels in a soothing friendly voice. Instead of “Hey you furry little humping machine, get off my bird feeder.” They are taught to say, “Hi Mr or Ms squirrel, isn’t it a wonderful day? Would you like to come sit by me, while I finish my coffee and whittle for a while?”
RTD Fare increase
Another fare increase is implemented by the “Reason to Drive” monopoly. Cue “Money for Nothing” by the band Dire Straits.
Well gotta go. I recorded the latest episode of “The Squirrel Whisperer” and Caesar Salad is going to show how to train a squirrel to saddle up and ride your family dog. Remember to dismount your furry buddy should you take them on Main Street next year. Utzul Mank’inal (Happy Holidays – rough translation in Mayan)
Dear Jimmie – I love your brother Johnnie St. Vrain’s columns, but I figured he’s busy with serious questions and stuff so I thought I would ask you this question. Where in the world can a person (me) find unique gifts for family and friends? Last year I made everyone some cute lacquered Popsicle stick hot pads. When they opened them up they got this look, well the best I can describe it is the look someone gets when they just learned their car’s been towed.
Ima Little-Crafty
Dear Ima – Have you thought about making them habenero flavored Popsicle tongue depressors this year? Just a thought. Sounds like you’re gift options enthusiasm has melted (get it Popsicle…melted ….never mind) this year and you don’t want to just trade gift cards? (When You Care the Most to Send the Very Least) Well have I got some exciting news for you…I’ve searched high and low, far and wide, over hill and dale, from hither to yon….ok…ok get to the point eggnog breath! I’ve found a treasure trove of unique, recently undiscovered gifts that are sure to astound those on your Christmas list and might even give you rights to wear the “mistletoe hat” this year! These one of a kind gifts can’t be found in any store or online, I’ll give you a call, do you have any of those Popsicle stick hot pads left? Here are some of the more popular gift discoveries:
President Obama Doll – Sure to please Republican’s on your list, this lifelike doll is dressed in a copy of one of the President’s favorite suits and has a tiny US flag lapel pin that is removable. A talking pull string is built into the back of the doll and when pulled utters, “You didn’t build that….Solyndra.”
House Speaker John Boehner Tanning Lamp – Can’t exclude Democrats on your list. Want that just back from the beach or golf course “too tan to trust” look just like the Speaker? This lamp is just the ticket, it has the Democrat donkey emblem and “trickle down” sand timer on it’s base. Priced without tax.
Fiscal Cliff Bar – This tasty adult “De-Energy” bar contains dark chocolate, vitamins, minerals and a new organic, locally grown product known for it’s “ahem” medicinal properties. Once you finish one, the last thing on your mind is the increased taxes and economic slowdown looming in 2013….you’ll be laser focused on a Twinkie stuffed with Cheetos and if that’s not available you’ll gladly snarf the stringed popcorn wrapped around the Christmas tree while Rover blocks the door to his Eukanuba.
RTD FasTracks Model Train Set – Itching to take that ride on RTD’s FasTracks Limited? Emphasis on the Limited, this model train set comes with the track but doesn’t include the actual train. Think how this will expand your kids imagination, they can construct their own unique trains to ride the rails….wouldn’t a prairie dog shaped engine car look cute? Even though the box promised a complete set, you can pay a surcharge to get the actual cars that are on back-order until 2040. WhooWhoo!
Boulder County Open Space Ouija Board – Looking for a reliable decision making tool that is fun to operate and doesn’t take batteries? This board is modeled after the garnet and ruby embossed County Commissioners model….ours has simulated garnet and rubies. Easy to operate….just tap into that spiritual entity known as “SWAG” and land on that Open Space bargain. You get a mulligan-do over if you land on the Boulder County Courthouse….we’re already paying for that!
Well gotta go! Ms. St. Vrain just came down wearing the “mistletoe hat” wanting to know what happened to all of Rover’s Eukanuba! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
I’m guessing most of you are familiar with the books and movie focusing on the bucket list, which consists of memorable things you should do or see before you leave this life (kick the bucket). Some of the items on my list are: take a river cruise from Amsterdam to Budapest, visit Australia, see the WWII Memorial in Washington D.C. and locally, see the famous Soap and Deodorant Museum in Hygiene. I’ll come clean, I made that last item up. Equally important to me as my bucket list is my duck-it list. These are things I want to avoid doing or seeing before I take the eternal leave of absence. Here’s just a few from that list:
Running With the Bulls
Every July thousands of runners assemble in Pamplona, Spain ready to continue the tradition of running with the bulls from corrals outside the city to the bullring. They dress in the traditional clothing of the festival of Sanfermines, white shirt and trousers with a red waistband and neckerchief. In one hand, they hold the day’s newspaper rolled to draw the bulls’ attention from them if necessary. (hopefully the bull’s want to slow down to read the Editorial page) Two rules that caught my attention: 1. Runners who are drunk, drugged or otherwise perceived to be a danger to others, will not be allowed to run. (guess the bulls are exempt from this rule) 2. Do not distract, grab onto, harass or mistreat the animals. (doubt if many runners are going to stop and tease the bulls by saying, “Why do bulls/cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work!”) If I feel the urge to get trampled or gored, I’ll line up in the wee hours at the Walmart Superstore doors waiting for them to open on the day after Thanksgiving (Black and Blue Friday).
Chernobyl, Ukraine Tour
The Chernobyl disaster was a catastrophic nuclear accident that occurred in 1986 at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant in the Ukraine, then part of the old Soviet Union. An explosion and fire released large quantities of radioactive contamination into the atmosphere, which spread over much of Western USSR and Europe. A 19 mile largely uninhabited “zone of alienation” exists today. The good news is officials estimate it should be safe for human habitation in only 20,000 years. If you’re not in a hurry this could present an opportunity for patient property flippers. Despite local authorities “glowing” reviews on the safety of the tour, I think I’ll pass.
Bungee Jumping
Millions of people around the globe have safely done this from various heights and locations. Here’s my fear….I pull up to your run of the mill bungee jumping tower at a local carnival in the parking lot of a shopping center. The usual operator has come down with the Jack Daniel’s flu for the day and he’s pleaded with the guy that runs the Ferris wheel to substitute for him. The Ferris wheel guy reluctantly agrees to step in for the bungee guy. So besides being in a bad mood, being bad with numbers and having a bad memory, he needs to adjust the length of the bungee to the height of the tower that day. Oops! So it doesn’t take a stretch of your imagination to see where I’m going with this…
National Odor-Eaters Rotten Sneaker Contest
The National Odor-Eaters Rotten Sneaker Contest in Montpelier, VT, in its 37th year, has gained a certain “cachet” as the ultimate contest showing just how dirty and stinky sneakers can get in an active kid’s life. Sneakers are judged by a panel on the conditions of the sole, tongue, heel, toe, laces or Velcro, eyelets/grommets, overall condition and most important ODOR. The Champion confessed that his sneakers got dirty and smelly because he plays a lot of soccer, also does fishing, hiking, and dip netting…and he just has naturally stinky feet.
Well gotta go. Just got the urge to open a Soap and Deodorant Museum in Longmont.
Unless you’ve been vacationing in the Carlsbad Caverns, you’ve probably heard news regarding fracking. Here’s my attempt to drill down into a suitable definition. Fracking – (noun) a method of mining in which cracks (fractures) are created in a type of rock called shale in order to obtain gas, oil or other substances that are inside of it. Hydraulic fracking refers to using water, sand and other chemicals to frack the shale. Zzz….zzz…sorry I dozed off just then. I also consulted with a local teenager for their definition. “Oh fracking, it’s like what happens when the oil dudes roll up with their hunkin large machines and derricks and such! I love derricks cause that’s my boyfriend’s name, Derek. After they find a spot on the ground, they start drilling until they like run out of pipe. They then start like yelling at each other, saying “why didn’t you bring more fracking pipe!” Once the anti-fracking group, “Our Health, Our Future, Our Longmont, Your Higher Utility Bills, Your Colder Home, Your Boulder East” gets fracking banned in Longmont’s city limits and next moves on to ban it everywhere (http://ourlongmont.org/), here’s the wonderful life we’ll all get to experience, say around 2016:
Transportation “Springs” Ahead
Cars were so overrated. Everyone was in a hurry. You didn’t have time to meet new people or get any exercise using one. Today’s cars were made obsolete by no more fossil fuel and electric vehicles fizzled, unless your were good at rubbing your hands together to create static electricity to recharge your vehicle (most electricity came from a coal or gas fired power plant which will no longer exists, duh). Our future vehicles will have big windup springs with most vehicles getting 1 MPWUP (mile per windup). This will help us slow down, meet new friends and get some exercise at the same time.
Thermos Homes
Our future homes will be nothing more than giant Thermos’s (try and say that fast). These marvels of modern technology will keep us warm in the winter and cool in the summer (how does it know when to keep hot hot or cool cool?) Some thought is still needed on how to avoid breaking the seal for a minor consideration like breathing.
Return to the “Cold War”
In our new life with fracking and fossil fuels banned we won’t be the selfish power hogs of old. Our once a week showers will not be the heated variety of the bourgeois, but a cold, heart stopping dousing to stir our senses. Don’t think of it as a hardship comrade. Think of it as your contribution to the collective motherland and the next generation.
Women Fully Liberated
With petroleum products gone in our new life, women won’t have the societal burden of being slaves to fashion and grooming, because the following products will not exist: clothing made from synthetic fibers such as acrylic, nylon and polyester, or coated with formaldehyde finishes (even organic cotton could fall into this category), stretchy part of your underwear, all of your bra, plastic earrings, bracelets and necklaces, body lotion, shampoo, hairbrush, soap, lipstick, mascara, eyeliner, foundation, hair gel, nail polish and perfume. Although I’ve never been a woman, but did shave my legs for a Triathlon, I feel this is a wonderful opportunity for women to go back to making their own clothes out of natural fibers like hemp or corn stalks. As far as needing hair products or makeup, women here’s your opportunity to let the world see the real you! Remember beauty is only skin deep.
Both sides of the fracking debate deserve your thoughtful consideration to discover the truth before voting for a ban: http://www.truthlandmovie.com/ and http://www.gaslandthemovie.com/ Well gotta go, in preparing for the worst, a friend and I are tinkering with a secret Boulder Country renewable power source sure to get a Federal subsidy. All I can tell you is it involves mini treadmills, prairie dogs and tiny “5-Hour Energy” drink bottles.
It’s August, and the Boulder County Fair has come and gone. The aromas of the fiendishly decadent deep fried fan favorites, le funnel cake, le corn dog and le twinkie that wafted over the Fair Midway have dissolved. Word has it that Mayor Bloomberg of New York City will visit the Fair next year. The Mayor loves raw oysters and has never sampled the “Rocky Mountain” variety. Aack! Hold on, I just about spit out my “Big Gulp!” Animals have been curried, trimmed, cleaned and hauled back home after putting their best foots, er hooves forward. The Fair gives many people a glimpse of our agrarian past. I’ve been on a farm before, but like other “city dwellers” am not up to snuff on many of the intricacies and practices of farm and ranch living. Apple iPhone has an existing personal assistant application named, “Siri” that responds to your questions about the weather, business locations and a number of other amazing topics. Imagine if along with “Siri”, I had a Boulder County Fair personal assistant named “Ringo,” get it…cowboy sounding and phone ring…..never mind. I sure could have used Ringo’s help with the following questions while at the Fair:
Kris – Ringo, what do you call a female and a male sheep?
Ringo – Ewe is a female and Ram is a male.
Kris – Did you just say I was a female, you is a female?
Ringo – ????? Recalibrating, Female sheep is Ewe.
Kris – Did you just say I’m a female sheep, female sheep is you.
Ringo – ????? Not programmed for sarcasm. Please rephrase.
Kris – Ringo, why are bulls turned into steers?
Ringo – To control the genetics of your herd by not allowing inferior genetics into the cowherd, as well as preventing inbreeding or linebreeding. To reduce aggressiveness; steers are easier to handle and less dangerous than bulls, and are not as rough on equipment, nor do they fight as often. You are apt to get more money when selling good steer calves than bull calves. The beef industry and consumers alike favor steer carcasses over bulls because the meat is less lean.
Kris – Do the steers have higher pitched singing voices than bulls?
Ringo – Only when they sing something by the “Cowsills!” Ha Ha Ha, I’ll be here all week.
Kris – Ringo, do rodeo clowns go to a school to learn their trade?
Ringo – A number of schools exist across the US that train rodeo “bullfighters” or clowns. Rodeo clown schools train their students on how to handle animals as well as comedy routines and face-painting skills. The most agile and comedically gifted clowns are assigned as barrel men, who divide their time between working the crowds, getting in the animals’ faces and ducking into barrels to protect themselves.
Kris – If all the students in a Rodeo Clown school are clowns, how do they determine who is the “Class Clown?”
Ringo – I think you should ask “Siri” that question.
Kris – Ringo, how do you prepare “Rocky Mountain Oysters?”
Ringo – First you need to make sure they have been removed from the bull, ha ha ha a little iPhone Assistant humor, put me in Rodeo Clown school and I’d be the class clown. When Mayor Bloomberg visits next year, tell him like sushi, these are a delicacy in Japan when eaten raw. Make sure you have a “Big Gulp” handy for him after he takes the first bite.
Dear Jimmie –
I read that New York Mayor Bloomberg intends to restrict sales of sugary soft drinks to no more than 16 ounces a cup in city restaurants, movie theaters, stadiums and arenas. My wife and I enjoy plowing through the large combo soda and popcorn at the movies and are afraid these “Nanny State” bureaucrats will continue to erode our freedoms by telling us how to live. I think the Mayor and others need to limit the size of their obese egos. What’s next? A limit on the number of breaths we can take each day?
Popped Off in Prospect
Dear PO’d in Prospect –
I empathize with your anger and frustration regarding this “Nanny State” encroachment. Here’s a health tip: I suggest you leave the butter off of your large popcorn. Then you’ll have room for a box of M&Ms. One of my favorite writers, C.S. Lewis, sums up my feelings on the “Nanny State” enablers with this quote: “Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron’s cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.” With examples like Mayor Bloomberg’s proposal, the LA ban on throwing a football or Frisbee on the beach during the summer and “dodgeball” being banned in many schools gym classes, the situation seems bleak. Unless citizens unite to repeal some of these mandates I think we will continue to see further intrusions. Here are my predictions on what the “Nastys” (Nanny State Yearners) have in mind for us in the future:
– Scores will no longer be kept at sporting events…..no winners or losers, just participants. This will keep high achievers in check and insure everyone’s self esteem isn’t damaged and egos aren’t bruised. I can imagine the Bronco game conversations on Monday mornings at the water cooler. “Did you see Peyton Manning yesterday?” Boy did he come ready to participate, he participated all game, that’s why they got him, he is one of the best participators in the league!”
– Cigarettes will go up to $100 a pack introducing a black market/criminal element into their sale. Smokers will be required to wear special helmets that trap their smoke or can smoke freely in newly designated smoking areas located in abandoned ICBM missile silos across the country.
– Pets will no longer be allowed to be subjugated to wearing a collar or harness while being led by their owners. Both owner and pet will be required to wear the same collar or harness and walk in tandem thus exhibiting equal status. And pets must be given human names like Stu or Mable, cutesy names like Mr. Chips or Princess She-She only cause them self esteem issues.
– Women, and men so inclined, will be forbidden from wearing makeup and getting their hair styled. This will level the playing field for those blessed with good looks and others on the wrong end of the mirror metric. Clowns, actors and aging rock stars can purchase special exemption permits to avoid this restriction. Well gotta go, the only “Nanny” that matters in my life, Ms. St.Vrain, just asked me to give an opinion on her latest hairstyle. Whoever said, “Honesty is the best policy,” must have never experienced the pleasure of matrimonial bliss, they had to be single.
Graduates, as you walk to the podium to accept your “sheepskin,” (now a paper diploma, sheep stopped donating their epidermis by unionizing as the “Brotherhood of Animals Against Diplomas,” BAAD for short) remember the uplifting vision of your future spoken by your Valedictorian, then your other Valedictorian, followed by the next, almost done, just a couple more. Dreaming big is important. I remember one of our high school class mottos was “For Life is a Journey,” a positive message back in my day, decades before facing the prospect of TSA gropings at the airport. I’ll leave the “Big Picture” vision to your Valedictorians and parents. Based on my experience, and the fact that I earned a “mastadonskin,” I’d like to share a few “life lessons” I’ve learned on my journey.
Don’t Embarrass Yourself at Graduation
When you do something stupid at graduation, someone captures it on their cellphone. When someone captures it on their cellphone, they post it on Facebook. When they post it on Facebook and it goes viral, you become the laughingstock to millions of people. When you become the laughingstock to millions of people, you decide to get cosmetic surgery to hide your identity. When you get cosmetic surgery to hide your identity, it can go wrong and make you look like a former pop star. When you look like a former pop star, someone captures it on their cellphone…..don’t embarrass yourself at graduation.
Prove You’re a Thinker by Using the Blinker
Today’s cars are a marvel of engineering with many amazing functional pieces of equipment. One functional piece of equipment that comes standard with each vehicle is called a “blinker.” It is usually located on the steering wheel column and it allows you to signal to other drivers that you are making a left or right turn or changing lanes. Once you get used to using your blinker, you might grow to enjoy the “blinker tone,” click..click…click. Folks my age and older sometimes like the blinker tone so much, we leave our blinker on long after we’ve made our turns or changed lanes. Other friendly, helpful drivers pass and give us a gesture reminding us that our blinker is still on.
Mattress Rebel
Until recently, most mattress tags contained the scary statement that removing the tag was illegal and punishable by law. If you do have a mattress with a tag that you want to remove, feel free. The Federal Government has eliminated the Department of Mattress Tag Enforcement to allocate more resources to the GSA and Secret Service party planning and female escort initiatives.
High School Reunions
Now that high school will be in your rear-view mirror, you get to look forward to reunions. Each of them has a different vibe and feel. Since my next reunion will be the 40 Year, I’m guessing what my experience will be at the 40th – 70th .
10 Year – The “Peacock” Reunion. Show off vibe. Typical conversations revolve around money, status, perfect wife and kids, exotic vacations.
20 Year – The “Beaver” Reunion. Busy with career and family obligations, forget serious stuff for a night and enjoy the moment vibe. Typical conversations revolve around how lame the 10 Year Reunion was, mortgage, sick kids, 2nd wife, boss sucks, politics, found a grey hair last week.
30 Year – The “Dolphin” Reunion. Communal, who cares what you were like in high school vibe. Typical conversations revolve around diets, how lame the next generation is, how lame you were in high school, hobbies. Have you tried the guacamole? It’s great!
40 Year – The “Elephant” Reunion. Remember when vibe. Typical conversations revolve around classmates who have passed away. What was your name again? I’m going to need an Advil IV after dancing the “Funky Chicken.”
50 – 70 Year – The “Bear” Reunion. We hibernate most nights at home vibe. Typical conversations revolve around how many classmates will show, how lame the next 2 generations are, why are the drinks so expensive, wished I would have grown my hair down to my shoulders back in the day.Well gotta go, just saw a “Hair Club for Men” commercial and they say I could have shoulder length hair! Nah better not; it would just get in my eyes when I’m doing the “Funky Chicken!”
I’ve heard from reliable sources that RTD and Warren Buffett will be holding a joint news conference today to make a monumental announcement related to “FasTracks.” Buffett’s company, Berkshire Hathaway owns BNSF railroad. As you may or may not know, a major issue causing the delay in RTD building our rail service has been costs for the Northwest Corridor rail have exploded. Originally anticipated to cost about $900 million, that ballooned to at least $1.4 billion after a review by the BNSF railroad — and mandate by the rail company that RTD pay $250 million up front to buy “operating windows” on the line in perpetuity, rather than pay a smaller amount on an annual basis. BNSF also now insists that the existing track be re-built and that a second track be built along the whole route to Longmont, as well as additional sidetracks and sophisticated signal systems. BNSF maintains that these additional improvements are required by new federal regulations which were required due to the fairly recent crash of a commuter train in Los Angeles. My source tells me that Buffett received and was so moved by the following letter from six year old Timmy Tuqute who attends Mountain View Elementary school in Longmont, that he has decided to help make commuter rail service a reality for us and will announce that today.
Dear Mr. Warren –
How are you? I am fine? My name is Timmy Tuqute. I am six years old and live in Longmont, Colorado. Denver is our capital. I go to school at Mountain View Elementary and am in the Kindergarden grade. My teacher is Ms. Summer Fields. Ms. Fields told us earlier in the year that someday we would be able to ride a train from Longmont to Boulder to Denver and we would be helping to save the “vironment.” I was excited to heard this, since I have a pet frog named “Warts” and he has never been anywhere but Longmont. On the train I could take “Warts” in his mobile condo box to the Denver Zoo to see his relatives and the train would help me get around since I can’t drive a car yet like my older brother Bobby, but you can call him by my nickname for him which is “Snot.” I’m writing this letter to see if you could help us get the train in Longmont. My Dad Stu says the rail line to Longmont is “hosed” because the RTB couldn’t manage a lemonade stand and you own the BNSF railroad and tracks where our train would run. He said you have more money than God, (I thought God had all the money) and want to give more of your money to someone called “Uncle Sam” anyway. My Dad Stu said you need to put your money where you mouth is, I put a penny in my mouth once and it tasted yucky, worse than the pebbles I used to put in my mouth. Maybe you would want to help us out so we could get our railroad line and I could take “Warts” to the Denver Zoo. My Mom Pam tells my Dad Stu to get a life and quit listening to someone call “Rush Limburger.” Anyway, Mr. Warren, all the other kids in my class thought it would be cool to ride the train, except for my girlfriend “Iget Notius.” If you want to help, I’ll let you pet “Warts” and will tell my Dad Stu to apologize for calling you the “Orifice from Omaha.”
Your Friend,
Timmy
Out of the mouths of babes, maybe we need to appeal to Warren Buffett to be a a philanthropist in the mode of a Carnegie or Rockefeller to help us realize the dream of rail service from Longmont. He holds the strings to BNSF. Who know maybe there’s a “Timmy Tuqute” out their that could strike an emotional cord with him. Anyway, Happy April 1st!
reality show –n
a television show in which members of the public or celebrities are filmed living their everyday lives or undertaking specific challenges
Need more drama or stress in your life? Your reality getting you down, how about tuning in to someone else’s reality? There’s a show for you, from Southern swamps to Manhattan boardrooms you can live vicariously through folks stuck in the “MUD” (made up drama) or experiencing some of the “Seven Deadly Sins:” Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Acedia (Dejection), Wrath, Envy, Pride, Vainglory. What you might have missed are some of the reality show pilots that didn’t make the network series cut for one reason or another:
The Wisconsin “Squeeze” Heads
Dairy farmers Swen and Olaf Swedlund’s travails running a 75-head cow operation with their pet pig, “Sir Francis Bacon.” Swen is the most gregarious, talkative character, followed by the pig, then Olaf. The pilot showed the boys getting up before the roosters, doing their chores while Swen does his hilarious rapid fire barnyard shtick. “What goes oo ooo oooo?” asks Swen. “A cow with no lips!” This cracks up Sir Francis Bacon, who grunts approvingly. Olaf just rolls his eyes. This pilot was well received and had a real chance to get a weekly slot, it evoked memories of the 1960’s series, “Green Acres.” Unfortunately a tragic accident shut it down. A PETA protester crept into the barn and tried to sabotage the automatic milking machinery and ended up causing a huge explosion that creamed the protester and caused “udder” destruction.
American Idle
The show looking for the the most slothful, lazy, couch potato layin-Gameboy playin-not mowin the lawn-all they do is yawn, person in the country. Contestant videos are played for the audience and judges to determine the “Idle” winner. Judges for the pilot were: Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton and the Federal Government’s Corruption and Conflict of Interest Czar. The show was doomed after the pilot showed a clip of a 35 year old guy living at home playing video games all day and complaining when his mother who just had a double knee replacement brings home the wrong flavor of Cheese Doodles. The network execs turned thumbs down, it’s not nice to disparage Mom with two new knees over your stinkin choice of cheese!
Road Warrior Chefs
Hate to see any food wasted, well you’re of the same mind as the chefs who drive the highways and byways searching for the unfortunate critters that got in the way of the rubber meeting the road. The chefs brought in a selection they found from the “Roadway Pantry” and whip up a dish in 1 hour that went before the judges for the taste test. The judges were people hungry for their first shot at fame. “You wouldn’t eat road kill would you?” The pilot featured an especially tasty dish created by one of the chefs called, “Squashed Possum Fricassee.” Every judge loved the presentation, plating, sauce and all commented that it tasted a lot like chicken. The show was canceled after the pilot when it was discovered that a protester for PETDA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Dead Animals) was out on a highway one of the chefs was on and got hit by a rendering truck.
Well gotta go, I’m working on a reality show idea to submit about a conservative libertarian living in Boulder that decides to run for Boulder County Commissioner who gets a chance for an open exchange of ideas and honest representations in the People’s Republic Press. On second thought, this idea would probably be a better fit on the remake of “Fantasy Island.”
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