Month: April 2014 (Page 3 of 3)

Everywhere you turn this time of year is a 2011 Year in Review. This rehashing of the top stories while interesting, poses no risk for the word jockey. The trapeze without the net act involves making predictions for 2012. Niels Bohr – Danish Atomic Physicist and or Yogi Berra – American Baseball Player/Philosopher stated; “Prediction is very hard, especially about the Future.” Here’s my local prognostications: (Disclaimer: These predictions have a margin of error of +/- 0 to100%)
Vance Brand Airport Noise
The constant annoying droning of the CQS (Citizens for Quiet Skies) crowd finally pays off and Airport officials ban the use of the Mile High Skydiving aircraft. Instead a 2,000 ft tower with jumping platform is constructed with an elevator, relegating the skydivers to basically BASE jumpers. So the noise nanny’s get their way while the skydivers get the “shaft.” A few months after the ban the CQS folks start complaining about the eery silence, the quiet gives them too much time to hear themselves think.
RTD “Take a Hike”
Longmonters opt out of the RTD (Really Terrible Decisions) program, determined to work with a private company to get a real mass transit system. The final “back of the bus” moment happened when RTD decided to implement “rickshaw” service in lieu local buses and one Regional route to Denver per day starting at 6am arriving at 10am after 30 stops. RTD spokesman, Nowe Cant cheerily opined, “the 4 hour trek would allow riders to read papers, relax prior to work or write their thesis.” The “Slow-Tracks” light rail service would be extended to Longmont in 2040 and cost an additional $50 billion dollars…$60 billion if permanent seating was chosen over folding metal chairs in the light rail cars.
Butterball Plant
Monsanto Corporation decides to buy the Butterball plant complex as part of their GMO (Genetically Modified Organism) seed research and production division. During the ribbon cutting ceremony, 100 anti-GMO protesters armed with only 5 rotten “organic” tomatoes (due to cost) hurl them at the Monsanto entourage.
St Vrain County
“When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands that have connected them with another……” A groundswell of support bubbles up for Longmont and surrounding areas to secede from Boulder County and form a new “St Vrain County” after it’s discovered that the Boulder County Commissioners have purchased a parcel of land for $2 million dollars designated as “Open Space” but formerly designated as Commissioner Ben Pearlman’s house. Commissioner Pearlman became Country Attorney Pearlman after performing the “secret” handshake in front of the other 2 Commissioners and voting for a 3^rd Boulder County 150^th Anniversary sculpture to join the Hawk and Butterfly sculptures displayed in the Boulder County Courthouse Plaza. This sculpture is titled, “Flipping Bird to Longmont.”
World Ending 12/21/2012
Unless you’ve been living in a cave (could be a good thing if the next prediction happens), you’ve probably heard that according the the ancient Mayan Calendar the “End of Days” is supposed to happen on December 21, 2012. Recent research has indicated the date may be off by 50 to 100 years. “Whew….that’s a load lifted, guess I can go ahead and prepay my Times-Call subscription into 2013!” I predict the true date for the world ending will be the date the show, “Jersey Shore” wins an Emmy.

Well gotta go, my wife just made a 100% accurate prediction related to a snow shovel, a driveway and a husband! Happy New Year!!

(Theme used from “A Christmas Carol” by Charles Dickens)

The night was darker than daytime and the moon hovered like a bright white aspirin (the tablet kind not the capsule) as I pulled into the Twin Peaks Mall parking lot, or the “House of Blight.” Little did I know I’d drop that label of scorn before the night passed. I entered the West side main entrance, having not passed through these doors since Lady GaGa was Baby GaGa. I moved into the main body of the Mall, surprised by the number of retailers still trying to survive, including Dillards, Sears, other clothing and shoe stores,  jewelry, specialty stores and Victoria’s Secret (always felt weird accompanying my wife into the store, like I better not gaze at anything/anyone and for goodness sake don’t touch any silky smooth thing!) Talked to a few retailers about the Mall’s decline, they mentioned; the economy, mall upgrades needed, Ownership/City slow dance. This walking/talking made me weary, I needed to sit, so I found a bench near the security guard station. “Ah that’s better, I’ll just rest here a while……….” I felt a tapping on my shoulder and did the “electric jerk awake”. A guy with glasses holding a clipboard and “Marley” on a name tag jumped back. I thought, “geez not one of those Marketing Survey people, I’m trapped.” Usually I could dash to the other side of the Mall or have that, my house is on fire and I have to leave now look on my face to escape! Marley had no survey questions, but wanted to show me something. He led me past the empty Food Court, former kids play area and around the corner to the main Mall walkwa…….the Mall was packed! Christmas decorations hung, every store occupied. I looked at Marley and he said “I’m the Ghost of Mall Past. I wanted you to see what this Mall once was, everyone came here to shop, dine, view local artists work, meet friends. What once was can be again.” He led me back to my bench, past scores of kids waiting to get their picture taken with Santa. I dozed again and felt another tapping on my shoulder, I awoke saying “Marley what now”, the clipboard carrying person said, “I’m not Marley, I’m Bob, come with me, you need to see this”. He walked me out the Mall’s main entrance and panned his arm from North to South asking what I saw. I said, “a handful of cars” He replied “it’s the weekend, this lot used to be full.” We walked back inside to the office of one of the retailers who was looking at his latest financial statement, agonizing over how he’s going to survive if customers and sales don’t pick up. “I’m the Ghost of Mall Present”. I wanted you to understand what retailers face in this Mall today.” I was back at my bench, eyelids heavy….. Another tapping on my shoulder. A voice behind me said, “Mister, back here.” Another clipboard carrying guy with a name tag that said “Tim” stood behind the bench. I remarked, “Tim, you’re tiny!” He said, “yeah like I haven’t heard that before, follow me.” He led me to the far South end of the Mall into a huge indoor ice arena. Hockey kids were working on their outlet passes, while figure skaters practiced their jumps on the other rink. We went back North past a Whole Foods Store, continuing past crowds to a large stadium seating movie theater and numerous stores in an open, glass filled Mall with views West to the mountains. Tim said, “I’m the Ghost of the Mall Yet to Come, you needed to see what is possible if you look forward”. I was back at the bench, nodding off, another shoulder tap, “what!” The security guard hovering over me said, “sir, you were snoring with your mouth open and scared away a couple of our mall-walkers….hell hath no fury like disrupted mall-walkers!” I apologized, got up, walking past Victoria’s Secret to leave. I stopped and thought, “I know Victoria’s Secret!” This Mall took a fall, but will be rebound and impress us all!