Fashion, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.
Ambrose Bierce – The Devil’s Dictionary

Dear Jimmie –
I’m angry as a wet hornet over the new “Village at Bare Cheeks” Mall where you can go have dinner, a movie and triple bypass with what they’re offering! Dillards is drummed out of town and now our clothing options are limited to the finest runway fashions from China, Vietnam and Bangladesh. Is it asking too much to have a decent clothes retailer here in town? I know “clothes don’t make the man,” but my wife “wears the pants in the family.”
“Pressed and Creased in Old Town”
Dear “Pressed and Creased” –
I commiserate with your sartorial angst and shrinkage from not wielding the matrimonial “heavy starch.” I’d like to see the City and Developer bring in a “Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory” to the mall, but they don’t pick the tenants. Your letter caused me to reminisce back to childhood when my brother Johnnie and I were dressed in the same clothes. Not one outfit at the same time, but 2 sets of the……you know what I meant. At the time we didn’t care, no big deal, but reaching puberty (late) we thought, “there has got to be different patterns and colors” in this town, but I digress. What if we are left “exposed” and no upscale clothing store is added to the mall? I have the following suggestions:
*“Pitter-Pattern:” There are many fabric and online stores like McCalls that still offer thousands of sewing patters for you to make your own clothes. Since women have the sewing gene, I think it only fair for them to pick up the bobbin and make some upgraded “Leisure Suits” with white piping for their mates.
*“Croc-a-Style:” The footwear is everywhere and soooo convenient. Get dirty, spray off with water. Couldn’t this be expanded to shorts, shirts and underwear? Might be a tad hot in the summer, but hey tired of the design or stretched the geo-physical limits of the item, then just toss in the recycle bin.
*”Don’t Trend on Me:” Now’s your chance to break away from the other fashion lemmings and go with your own special look. It’s ok to bring back those leather and parachute pants. Still have flannel shirts, wear-em, I hear women like the outdoorsy lumberjack look (leave the ax at home). There are online stores that specialize in cowboy, construction worker, motorcycle and military type outfits. Just think, you’ll be the hit of the party if they play “YMCA by the Village People.”
*”Face-kini:” Here’s a clothing item not available at any upscale store in the area. You could import these or make your own and start a new trend! Seems the Chinese have perfected covering up data hacking. Now add another Chinese “cover up” item called the “Face-kini.” Think of brightly colored ski masks with eye, nose and mouth holes cut out worn by water lovers to provide an alternative to sunblock. Also offers protection from bugs, trash blowing off sewage barges (more of a Chinese problem) and human pests you’d like to avoid. Well Gotta Go! Working on an idea to take to the “Tinkermill Makerspace” in town. Don’t tell anyone, but my idea is to create sunglasses that filter out speedo wearing males exceeding the garments “PSI” rating. Going to call them, “NEBS” (No eyesore by seashore).

Jimmie St. Vrain (Johnnie’s wiseguy brother) and Kris Harris moved here in 1960
and are products of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado. Both believe sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.