Airpark Noise

Why does the City allow constant air traffic at the Vance Brand/Kimberly Gibbs Drone and Hot Air Balloon Park? I moved near the Park in 2030 and was out on my back patio watching a hologram of “Star Wars 20 – Revenge of Ella Vader, Daughter of Darth,” and I hear a Hot Air Balloon go right over my house with the propane heater burner making a “swoosh” sound. It only annoyed me, but it terrified my Pomeranian dog, “Mr. Tinkle.” He is now afraid to go outside and won’t play with his “Widdle Waddle” toy duck anymore or “sprinkle” without a worried look on his face.
RTD Northwest Train

Thirty plus years of the RTD (Revenue to Denver) giving us the boney middle finger? They promised us a commuter rail in 2004 and now 30 years later we have driverless flying bus service once a day to Denver, the “Ralph Kramdenless” Express. The RTD scammers also provided a first come first served double decker flying party bus to Boulder running on the 2nd Friday of every month. Well that bus had better be well stocked with libations, to compensate for going to the “People’s Republic” who now require you to wear an “Exhale Alarm” that flashes and beeps each time your breathing exhales exceed 3 per minute. Just doing their part to reduce CO2 emissions contributing to Global Warming, Climate Change, Global Cooling and Anything Else Change.
Jet Packers vs Flying Cars

The jet packers have never stopped at stop signs and they have no license like us flying car drivers. I come to an above air stop sign and these jet packers just blow through it. I try to keep in my flying lane and they are 4 abreast. Why can’t they learn the rules of the sky? Are they intentionally trying to piss us off or just trying to mark their space for safe travel? My wife bad-mouths them, but I’m secretly thinking of getting a jet pack with an outlawed “NRA” sticker. Please don’t tell my wife!
Prairie Sharks

I’ve walked my Sphynx hairless cat, “Yul Brenner” each morning near the old Sugar beet Factory east of Longmont for many years. Most mornings have been uneventful, until last week when one of the large prairie dog/pit bull mutant type creatures (Prairie Shark) raced out of the dark factory and grabbed Yul in one fell swoop and devoured him like an appetizer on the Mike O’Shays menu. Needless to say, I’m wondering if our Prairie Dog Mandate of 2017, putting them on the Endangered Species list was a bad decision. I’m sure my cat would think so! If these disease carrying rodents had been controlled years ago, then my Yul would still be hairless and living.
Village at Twin Peaks Gets Clothing Store

I’ve been waiting 20 years since the VATP opened for a decent clothing store to arrive after Dillards got booted. Well, low and behold I noticed on the US-China Global Federation Government video sign at the old City buildings downtown an announcement that a new clothing store was opening at the VATP called “Conform-R-US.” With the collapse of the US in 2018 and the China takeover this store offers the required politically correct outfits: jumpsuit for men and modified culottes pant suit for women that come in a variety of pleasing shades, including: gray, white or black. So “bust a move” and get as wild as your conforming self desires!

 

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.