“WARNING: These predictions could cause some to retreat to their comfort closet or blanket fort under their bed safe space.” Elevated blood pressure and extreme gastric distress is possible in some individuals. May cause drowsiness in sleepy people. Avoid operating heavy machinery including: train locomotives, trash trucks, oil tankers and nuclear submarines. Avoid sexual activity while reading, could deflate ‘the right moment’.

Boulder County Potty Poopers – Boulder County and City of Longmont officials approve a new program allowing all restrooms to be used by any gender: male, female or fill in the blank. Females using the former “male” restrooms can enroll in a county funded yoga class to help them get in “position” to use the male urinals. Males using the former “female” restrooms can enroll in a county funded hypnosis class to help them subconsciously remember to put the toilet seat down. Gives new meaning to “gender fluid.”

Amazon Replaces RTD Not So Prime Service – Prompted by an overture from a forward-looking Longmont City government, the online giant negotiates replacing RTD’s ”phantom” rail line to Denver with their high capacity “drone” carriers by 2025. RTD proposes a new study to confirm their train commitment could be moved from 2040 to 2039.

An Open Space Odyssey – Boulder County purchases an artificial intelligence system called the “GAL9000 similar to the HAL9000 system from “2001-A Space Odyssey,” to take input from the three Commissioners on all County decisions and produce a single opinion and vote result. The GAL9000 has a breakdown and starts singing “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” when one of the commissioners enters a differing opinion and vote from the other two.

Developers in the Dog House – The City of Longmont defers to local prairie dog activists and makes a change to the staff drafted prairie dog ordinance, to be finalized in January. The change mandates; if developers cannot relocate any number of prairie dogs on a minor (<25) or major (>25) permit, then developers are to provide “tiny homes” onsite for each prairie dog family constructed with reclaimed building materials and stand-a-lone solar cells. The total square footage of the tiny homes could be considered into the 12% Affordable Housing ordinance requirement if the prairie dogs can show they are at 80% or less of the area median income.

Thought Police – Boulder County, local cities, and school boards agree to change the following words/terms in any future correspondence to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings:

Old                                                                  New

Meter Reader                                                Onsite Electrical/Water Gauge Decipherer

Building Svcs. Maintenance Foreman     Building Svcs. Maintenance Foreperson

Chief Building Official                                 Primary Building Official

Animal Control Department                        Animal Persuasion Department

Valedictorian                                                Scholastically Advantaged Person(s)

Won                                                                Awarded more points, runs or goals.

Lost                                                                 Awarded less points, runs or goals with good effort.

Athletes                                                         Participants in Sports Activities

Remember; 2018 ain’t over till the metabolic overachieving cisgender female issues amplified vocal intonations. Happy New Year!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.