BULLETIN FROM THE CENTER FOR ACCEPTABLE DISCOURSE, “CAD”: THESE PREDICTIONS HAVE NOT BEEN “WOKE” TESTED AND FILTERED TO ELIMINATE THE TRIPLEDEMIC OF IMPROPER PRONOUN USAGE, TOXIC MASCULINE WHITE PRIVILEGE PERSPECTIVE AND FLIPPANT SARCASM. AS AN ADDED PRECAUTION, IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED, WEAR A PROTECTIVE MASK, IDEALLY AN N95, TO MUFFLE THE OBSCENITIES YOU MIGHT UTTER. SPEAKING OF OBSCENE…

…The RTD Northwest FasTracks Ponzi scheme continues when The Northwest Rail Peak Period Study starts releasing its findings on updated costs and infrastructure change proposals to the public beginning in January 2023. They will likely establish the project completion date of 2050 but will offer this carrot to taxpayers saddled with paying since 2005. Anyone residing in the District born before 1970 will get a free fare pass for a year when the line is completed. Deceased taxpayers born before the same year can also get a free fare pass for a year if their living relatives can carry their cremated remains with them while riding. Speaking of remains…

…While excavating the parking garage and boutique hotel, a rare prehistoric fossil ancestor of today’s black-tailed prairie dog (Cynomys (Sciuridae) is unearthed. Prairie Dog Preservation groups, including the Rodent Action Team, “RAT,” start demonstrating against building on the site. To avoid construction delays and negative publicity, the developers agree to the protestors’ demands and proclaim changing the hotel’s name from “Hotel Longmont” to “Burrow Inn .” Speaking of proclamations…

…Longmont City Council issued ceremonial proclamations supporting a lawn-cutting moratorium called “No Mow May” and the Prohibition of Nuclear Weapons in 2022. In 2023 they will issue a proclamation supporting Meteor & Asteroid Awareness. A new Homeland Security Agency, Space Projectile Logistics and Tactics, or SPLAT, will produce an informational brochure. The public will be advised on preparations to safely survive an impact, such as: DO NOT STOCKPILE TOILET PAPER, BUT ADDITIONAL UNDERWEAR PURCHASES ARE RECOMMENDED. A helpline will be established to report any impact, answer questions and refer traumatized individuals to an “Emotional Support Animal” provider. Speaking of being traumatized…

…Due to public backlash from an unprecedented crime wave, including vehicle theft and rampant drug crimes, the Boulder County District Attorney decides to get tough on slap-on-the-wrist plea bargains. He will now use a modified “Magic 8-Ball” when shaken will suggest one of 3 possible sentencing penalties for the perpetrator, including: (1) Sentenced to home detention with a restorative justice job phone soliciting individuals to buy an extended warranty for their vehicle. (2) Home detention, but is accompanied by a parole officer a few days a week to sell the ever-popular magazine subscriptions door to door. Or (3) Home detention and the county pays the perpetrator to produce professional-looking, legible cardboard signs for street corner peddlers with common themes like, “Need Money for Food, Gas, etc. Family Kidnapped by Aliens, Need to Pay Ransom. Was Counting on School Loan Payoff”. Speaking of chicken-stuff policy…

… A State law passed in 2020 mandating cage-free egg production will take effect on January 1, 2023. A cage-free environment allows hens to roam unrestricted and exhibit natural behaviors but will result in higher costs for producers and consumers. Lawmakers will next focus on encouraging producers to feed hens legalized mushrooms (psilocybin) to produce psychedelic-colored eggs to eliminate environmentally harmful dyes used in coloring Easter eggs. Speaking of next year…

…Hope you have an enjoyable Holiday season and a safe and sane 2023. Happy New Year!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.