“Thus it is with proud silly people, who think themselves above everyone else, and are too proud to ask or take advice.”

-The Brothers Grimm, The Waters of Life

Once upon a time in a hamlet called “Longmont by the St. Vrain,” ye olde serfs and serfettes ventured with haste to their guild on byways pock marked like an indentured adolescent page’s face. Their carriages groaned and threatened to become sleds as wheels plumbed the bottom of craters ignored past repair ages ago. Scallywags and highwaymen roamed the hamlet from dusk till dawn keening to fleece any valuable or worthy object from thou gainfully employed to quench their demon pleasures, secure in the knowledge any transgression causing apprehension will be treated like a child absconding with a treat from a local confectionary establishment. One day the town council elders took pity on formerly tabbed serfdom and declared in their largesse to provide un-tithed rides around the hamlet on the besmirched RTD nag. Because of that ye olde serfs trumpeted in vain to repair said byways and expunge said scallywags and highwaymen to dungeon or take the healing waters of treatment. Because of that ye council listened as ears underwater and instead increased lucre to their future brethren from tax coffers in years hence and heartily hitched to a proffer to run an iron steed from Cheyenne to Pueblo, bungling the traverse with Longmont wed to the route via Boulderstan and releasing the RTD poltroons from their unfulfilled deceitful nuptials from the Year 2004. Acre after acre of stacked home cubes like ant colonies or beehives overwhelmed the town landscape increasing the byway congestion and thwarting the pride of land or home tenure ownership for generations to come. Because the town council grew weary of tilling the hard soil of policymaking around civic basics like sound infrastructure and citizen safety, they migrated towards serving up resolutions and proclamations forthwith such as: “Committing the community in a shift away from fossil fuels and to transition to 100 percent clean, renewable electricity by 2030,” ” Prohibitions of Nuclear Weapons,” and “No Mow May,” that carried the weight of goose down. Here ye, here ye. Some suggested proclamations the council should consider include: *Climate Change Awareness (Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter Occurrence) *Veterans Month (Not Just a Day) *Tax Reduction Resolution *Cell Phone Moratorium Month *White Guy City Founders Month *Pass a New Law, Remove One from the Books Year *Homeless Road Work Internship Year *Citizen’s Arrest Training Month *Farmer and Rancher Appreciation Month. Taxes and fees along with coinage needed to buy food to ale pressed down on the masses like rain-soaked woolen cloaks. While government waistlines expanded, the serf’s waists constricted. Indolent meddlers foisted their current cultural correct theology on those thinking outside the collective acceptable thought. Until finally out of frustration or hopelessness common folk feasted and frolicked, satisfied with their drink, smoke, magic mushrooms, and Merlin entertainment box offering up theatrics like “Naked and Afraid,” “Jersey Shore Family Vacation,” and “Sister Wives.” They forfeited the desire to control their lives and looked to the “Feudal Oligarchy” as parent, and they lived blissfully beholden to them evermore.

                                    Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.