Season’s Greetings!

I was racking my small melon’s frontal lobe for a theme to tie these predictions together. Inspiration struck when I was with my 7-year-old granddaughter, who was passionately singing the praises of Taylor Swift. “She’s mega!” she exclaimed, then asked if I was a “Swiftie.” How could I disappoint my honey-bunny by admitting I wasn’t? Then, like a ton of Travis Kelce trading cards, it hit me: I could use some of Taylor Swift’s song titles as lead-ins for my predictions. So here we go:

“I Hate It Here,” Airport Noise Complaints – Bowing to pressure from noise-averse residents near Vance Brand Airport, the City Council proposes to the FAA that all airplanes using the airport must be eVTOLs (electric vertical take-off and landing) craft and be painted blue and white to blend in with the sky. While appeasing some of the complainers, the hardcore ones still aren’t satisfied and feel that the aircraft shadows would still startle wildlife and their pets. The FAA nixes the proposed changes stating eVTOLs are in their infancy with current battery technology and miles of extension cords are impractical. Instead, they propose that the city issue noise-canceling headphones for the whiners.

“I Forgot That You Existed,” Boulder County Parks and Open Space Regulations – Not satisfied with the multitude of current usage rules for your Parks and Open Space which include:  

All feed provided to livestock while on trails and trailheads must be free of weeds and weed seeds.

Ice fishing is prohibited. (what bait do you use to catch ice?)

Do not feed, disturb, molest, or kill wildlife. (I don’t want to know what qualifies as molesting wildlife)

Boulder County will add these additional regulations:

Vibrant or loud-colored clothing, Speedos, thongs, muffin tops, short shorts, Elmer Fudd costumes, or other provocative clothing that might visually molest the wildlife will not be allowed.

“Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me,” Hotel Longmont Opening – The new “boutique” hotel at 3rd Avenue and Kimbark Street scheduled to open in 2025 will experience some paranormal activity, ghosts if you will, and not the “Casper” kind. These ghoulies will migrate from the Dickens Opera House/Restaurant next door. They will include: William Dickens, replete with the bullet hole in his back, walking his pet terrier, an actress and her lover being followed by her husband with a knife and a glutenous blob laughing manically in a tuxedo and top hat with a name badge labeled “Mr. Rob The Dummies,” (RTD) carrying a NW FasTracks bag overflowing with $100M.

“I Can See You,” Traffic Intersection Cameras – The Longmont City Council approved the installation of vehicle license plate identification cameras at key intersections next year to assist in fining red-light runners and speeders. Longmonters will be startled early next year when they spot swarms of drones flying over the city at night. City and other officials say they do not know what these are, but there is no cause for alarm. After a camper at the Old Sugar Factory shoots one down. The officials come clean and explain that the drones are measuring heat and cooling signatures from homes and businesses to determine who is wasting energy and where more apartment buildings should be built. Notifications and fines to follow as part of the City’s Sustainability Plan for Energy Efficiency.

Have a safe and sane 2025. Happy New Year!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.