Once upon a time, there was a king named RTD of Fleece-em.  Even by kingly standards, RTD was a greedy king. All he cared about was taxes, taxes, taxes, and let’s see, oh yes, taxes. So, he sent his tax collectors into the Longmontshire hamlet, having convinced the peasants many years ago he would build a shiny new road with pumpkin coaches, (wait, that’s another tale) golden coaches leading to his Fleece-em castle. As the people grew poorer and poorer from being taxed, King RTD grew richer and richer. The peasants were reduced to living on broken promises and sugar beets. For breakfast, they had bowls of sugar beet flakes. For lunch, sugar beet sandwiches. And for dinner, roast filet of sugar beet with sugar beet gravy. As a result, King RTD began to get the funny feeling that people didn’t like him very much, especially when peasants wrote hateful things in Ye Olde Times-Call like, “King RTD should be boiled in sugar beet soup.”  Not that he cared about them. But what he did care about was raising taxes. So, the king called a meeting of his former board members, some from the prestigious advising firm of Hyde, Distrakt, Hoodwink, and Rob. “I need to do something to make people like me so I can tax them even more,” said the king. “Well, your eminence,” piped up Rob, “I’m just talking off the top of my monks cut here. But what about lowering taxes and refunding some money back to the peasants? We could—-” That seemed to be an unpopular idea. Two palace guards grabbed Rob and carried him off to the dungeon. The next day, the king called another meeting of his former board members and new advising firm, Hyde, Distrakt and Hoodwink. Hyde spoke up, “what if we said the former road plan wouldn’t work through no fault of yours sire? How could we predict the cost of protecting against winged monkeys on the route went through the roof and the black plague halted any work being done because our workers had the gall to die and not show up for their shift. Also, the Princes in and round Fleece-em needed their roads completed first. Remember, they keep you in power. Now you can say we can join with the Barons of Amtrak and others to provide a more direct road to Fleece-em for the beet eaters of Longmontshire. Which would, of course, entail new taxes.” “I like this idea. But what do we do with the rabble-rouser Earl of Bagley and the Longmontshire City Council Viscounts who are pointing out that I, the king am a fraud and might not be wearing any clothes?” “We send out an official letter of excuse from the assembled former board members, then do what we’ve always done and delay delivering on your promise by stating new studies need to be conducted so we can provide the best road possible on this complicated project.” “That’s brilliant! Does anyone else feel a draft?” said the king.

Moral of the story: Don’t follow the sheep when the king is pulling the wool over your eyes.

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

“A joke about communism isn’t funny unless…everyone gets it.”

– Anonymous

Salutations Comrades – Being pure in thought with the emerging Collective State, my predictions are respectful of the things they do to guide us towards an enlightened, Utopian tomorrow. They sacrifice managing their lives to manage ours, especially during Covid. Speaking of Covid…

…Masks worn by women, besides reducing the spread of the virus, have shown to reduce men’s attraction and inherent sexism towards them. Men want to view women’s mouths to obtain approval by a smile or imagine what a kiss would be like. Continued wearing of the masks enable women to stand shoulder to shoulder with men to advance the ideals of the Collective. Speaking of advancing ideals…

…Taking a “Father Knows Best” approach, Longmont City Council passed a resolution unanimously and sent a letter imploring the Weld County Commissioners to follow the governor’s COVID-19 restrictions. In 2021, these defenders of the State will pass resolutions and send letters to Weld County requesting they curtail all livestock production due to methane gas’s negative effect on Climate Change. Another resolution and letter will request all oil production, including fracking, be halted. Weld County will probably send back a picture of a cow expelling methane towards a tiny windmill with the caption, “Problem Solved.” This type of rebellious, flippant behavior needs to be dealt with when future “re-education” camps are established. Speaking of re-education…

…K-12 and college educators will rename American History classes as “Eurocentric Colonization” studies and re-enlist Ward Churchill to help develop the curriculum. Also, increased focus will be on leaders that shaped the Collective world. New classes will be introduced using the following books: “Population Control, Ahead of His Time?” by Chairman Mao, “Decisive Management Steps to Address Poor Attitudes” by Joseph Stalin and Che Guevara’s “Making a Killing Selling Capitalists T-Shirts and Rope.” Speaking of rope…

…Longmont will continue to be tied to our transportation partner, RTD, who will request a tax increase and launch a new marketing campaign titled; “Take Us for a Ride.” This campaign encourages citizens to leave their cars at home for local trips and ride for free. Seats are always available. Riders who reach 20 trips will receive free yard signs stating, “I Got Taken for a Ride and So Can You.”  An RTD spokesperson commented, “Longmont has been such a great team player over the years. Their progressive, unselfish attitude has helped the entire district. RTD continues to be fully transparent to our patrons.” Speaking of transparency…

…A cutting-edge architectural concealment company proposes to Boulder County Commissioners, Longmont City council and property owner to use its camouflage, smoke and mirrors technology to hide the visually polluting Sugar Factory site. The proposal is approved unanimously with only a cost of $3M. It would be funded from the county and city’s Open Space fund. A spokesperson for Boulder County Commissioners stated, “this project dovetails with our “Beautification” initiative and since you won’t see the Sugar Factory after the work, this qualifies as Open Space. What an exciting way to start the New Year!” Speaking of New Year…

…Happy Chinese New Year!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

The U.S. is 244 years old. No wonder we have difficulty achieving and maintaining an election.
                                                                      – Rick Aaron

You have probably seen the yellow and black covered instruction manuals with ______ for Dummies title unless you’ve been living in a cave or Joe Biden’s basement. The manuals cover a myriad of topics from “Performing Your Lobotomy” to “Reloading Your Toilet Paper Holder.” Even though some previous “Voting for Dummies” books have been released over the years. I wanted to add my condensed version.

Important Dates to Know for Election 2020: Oct 9 – Ballots start to get mailed to active voters. Oct 10 – Ballots are mailed to deceased voters and individuals with the name John Doe, Elmer Fudd and James Hoffa. Oct 11 – Ballots are mailed to felons and all names in the Caracas, Venezuela phone directory. Oct 19 – Drop boxes and copying centers open to start accepting ballots. Voting and Polling Centers Open. Oct 26 – Last day to update your registration to receive a ballot by mail. Previously deceased need to secure a ride to deposit their ballots, RTD or Uber is an option. RTD can secure your casket or urn to the front of their buses, please have the correct fare or ride for free in Longmont. Remember to tip your Uber driver. When updating your registration, refrain from listing your current occupation as an explosives expert. Nov 3 Election Day – Last day to vote, ballots must be received by 7pm unless you can prove you are absentee or delayed due to fire, flood, plague of locusts, your funeral that day, or you were looking for the RTD Northwest Rail Line to get to your Longmont polling location.

Voter Instructions: Read all instructions on your ballot and vote using a black or blue ballpoint pen. Crayon, charcoal briquet or fountain pen using octopus ink is prohibited. When voting yes or no to retain judges we suggest getting a heads/tails call by flipping something other than a coin (due to the shortage), like a drink coaster (remove drink first), yard gnome or family pet.

Refold your voted ballot and place it into your return envelope (your name is pre-printed on the return envelope). Only put your ballot in your return envelope. Do not include your City of Longmont utility bill or late library book fee payment in this envelope. If you received an additional ballot for a deceased or non-citizen relative please contact Colorado Secretary of State Jena Griswold for guidance. Sign your ballot envelope. By law, your signature is required. Make sure you sign first name, middle name, or initial (if on the envelope), then last name. Suggest you don’t write a pseudonym like “The Dude,” Mister Master,” Ballot-Rina,” or use a symbol, like Ƭ̵̬̊  for the artist formerly known as “Prince.” If you misplace or lent your envelope, please contact Boulder County Elections for a replacement. It is a violation of law to receive more than 10 ballots for mailing or delivery in any election unless you’ve secured a polygamist permit. When returning your ballot, no postage is required at Ballot Drop-Off or Vote Centers. If mailing, we recommend you send your ballot no later than Mon, Oct 26. Must use the current U.S. Postage stamp of $100.25. Do not use old “Green Stamps,” “Peppa Pig” stickers from your grand-kids books or a souvenir stamp from your passport. Please use a lightly damp sponge or glue stick to seal your envelope and stamps if mailing to reduce Covid and cootie transmission. If you must lick, please do so with your mask on…

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Dear Jimmie – I read that Governor Polis has appointed three Boulder community leaders to serve on a new state board tasked with evaluating public landmarks with racist or controversial names and making official recommendations to him. Why did he appoint three Boulder leaders? How about some state diversity on this board?

Dennis the Deplorable Menace

Well, Mr. Menace – I’m breathlessly awaiting their recommendations. One recommendation I would heartily welcome is changing the name of Climax, Colorado to something like “Payoff,” “Jiggly Wiggly,” or “Oh My God.” Seriously, here are some names I would focus on changing under the board’s mandate:

No Name, Colorado: The 2010 census population was 123. It is located east of Glenwood Springs, off Exit 119 of Interstate 70 in Glenwood Canyon. It is named for No Name Creek and No Name Canyon. I would recommend it be renamed, “Climax.”

Colorado: Means “Colored Red’ in Spanish. Isn’t this cultural appropriation? Could also be offensive to Native Americans. How about changing the name to “Cannabis de Peaks?”

Denver: Named after the Kansas Territory Governor in the 1860s who might or might not have supported the “Lecompton Act” allowing the Territory to become a slave-owning entity. My recommendation is Denver be replaced with the name “Syringe Town”.

Cheesman Park: Named after Walter Cheesman. An early Denver capitalist. In 1868 he, John Evans and David H. Moffat began work to build the Denver Pacific Railroad to Cheyenne, Wyoming. If Mount Evans name is going to be changed, then Cheesman Park needs to be changed to its original cemetery name of “Prospect Hill.” 

Longmont: Named after Stephen Long US Army Explorer in the early 1800s. After finding and naming Longs Peak and the Rocky Mountains, his group journeyed down the South Platte River to the Arkansas River watershed. They ran into hostile Indians and had to eventually eat their horses. Talk about animal cruelty! My recommendation is Longmont be replaced with “Progmont.”

Boulder: C’mon Man! A city named after a common rock? Needs to revert to the original name, “Nannieville” in honor of one of its first settlers, Imur Nannie.

Fort Collins, Fort Morgan, Fort Lupton: These names point to our White militaristic agenda of stealing lands from the Native peoples. I recommend “Fort” be dropped from each name and replaced with popular drink names, “Tom Collins,” “Captain Morgan,” and “Martini Lupton,” (uses radishes instead of olives).

The following terms aren’t geographic related, but require consideration:

White Water Rafting: Connotates an activity reserved for Caucasian privilege. Suggest the name be changed to “Angry or Agitated Water Rafting.”

White Out:  Should no longer describe a blizzard or correction fluid but should now refer to: “replacing people without color with people of color.”

These are some of my suggestions. One last change I’d like to offer refers to this board’s name, Colorado Geographic Naming Advisory Board. This name seems so sterile and boring. How about “Blast the Past” Board, “Making History Great Again” Board or my favorite: “Party Like Its 1984” Board.

From my April 1^st email correspondence:

“The Times-Call gets rid of three writers I liked (Betty Heath, Pam Mellskog and Scott Rochat), yet they still print your tripe that falls short of humor/sarcasm by a country mile. I know they can’t be paying you. Instead of writing, maybe you should join the circus next time it’s in town, they need someone to clean up after the elephants. You have plenty of practice shoveling big piles of poop.”                

Al Caholic

“Hey, (expletive deleted), you keep making fun of the RTD, which is doing its part to save us from the Global Climate Change crisis. So what if they haven’t built the Northwest Rail yet, it’s on the drawing board. How is the tiny RTD tax affecting your life? A few less six-packs of beer and less gas in your large replacement for lower testosterone level pick-up truck?”      

Ima Scolder

“I usually like the information presented by Johnnie St. Vrain, but your Jimmie St. Vrain gives me nothing but a pounding headache and nauseous feeling. What gives you the right to make fun of things under the label of sarcasm? I much prefer satire to sarcasm…yeah that’s it. Your Jimmie St. Vrain needs to do more satire and less sarcasm.”                                               

Will E. Makeit

“The World is crumbling all around us due to the COVID-19 Pandemic and you’re making light of the crisis with your recent article, “Diary of a Coronavirus Hermit.” You’re probably one of those irresponsible people that doesn’t keep 6’ social distance, wash or sanitize your hands often and you probably touch your face and other body parts often. I hope you run out of toilet paper and have to use pinecones. That will get the smirk off your face, buster!”                                     

Hiram Walker  

 “How dare you use your Boston Terrier (Dom DeBoston) as a foil in your juvenile articles. If he had a voice, I’m sure he’d tell you to take a long walk on a short pier. This borders on animal cruelty for the shame he would feel if he could read you’re illogical ravings. I suggest you take him to a certified pet psychic in Boulder and find out how he feels about being used without a say or at least compensation.”    

Kynda Harsch

“Just because you moved to Longmont in 1960 doesn’t give you the write to make fun of the onederful “Socialist” things making this former “cow-town” into a copy of the Nirvana that is Boulder. I think “OK Boomer,” every time you hate on the Boulder County Commissioners. The only Open Space problem we have is the one between your ears. You are probably a deplorable conservative or libertarian who is living in the past and can’t adjust to the “New Global Order.” You don’t seem to take the COVID-19 pandemonium very serious, based on your last article. What if our elected officials hadn’t taken the Nazi’s bombing of Pearl Harbor in that World War seriously? Well, we’d all be speaking Nazi now! Another pet beef I have with your articles is they tend to ramble on and on with no point. Besides changing your political beliefs, how about shortening some of your sentences so you keep the readers interested in what you are trying to say and not falling asleep in a roundabout sort of way. That’s all I have to say. All I am saying is give peace a chance.”                              

Field N. Stream

Day 1 – Got woke (from sleep, not more consciously awake). Took inventory of toilet paper stock: # of individual sheets per roll x number of rolls. Spent 30 minutes re-rolling individual roll. Showered, reviewed wardrobe options. Decided on sweats and T-shirt. Made coffee and read the paper. Articles included: “COVID-19: Wash your hands frequently. Avoid touching your face unless wearing welding gloves. Sneeze and cough into a tissue (don’t use toilet paper, need to conserve your supply) or your elbow.” Organized sock drawer. Exercised at home. Sanitized hands and went to bed.

Day 2 – Woke up after dreaming I was naked in a grocery store looking for hot dogs and baked beans. The bagger asked if I wanted paper or plastic to cover up. I went with paper and made a recyclable pair of pants. Dressed in sweats and T-shirt after checking our paper bag supply. Checked if my toilet paper was 2-ply, in case I needed to separate sheets to double my inventory. Made coffee and read the paper. Articles included: “COVID-19 events and business closures”; “COVID-19 things could get worse, but don’t panic.” Walked outside with the dog. Sanitized his paws and my hands after returning. Watched sporting programs on ESPN including: Championship log rolling with square logs, and I got wrapped up in watching anaconda wrestling.

Day 3 – Woke up. Was careful to wash my hands after showering. Was headed to the grocery store, so I dressed up in sweats and a T-shirt. Made coffee and read the paper. Articles included: “COVID-19 ticking time bomb: You might already have it with no symptoms!”; “COVID-19 a bull in a china shop!” Went to the grocery store and didn’t need to sanitize a grocery cart, since none were available. First toilet paper, now grocery carts, what will be hoarded next? Walked past hot dogs, double checked to make sure I was dressed. Picked up a few items and noticed many aisles were barren. Some items were still available, like pickled pigs’ feet and herring. Went home and sanitized the car steering wheel.

Day 4 – Woke up after having a nightmare. Boulder County Commissioners were demonstrating how to use bidets and mandating all residents must install them in their bathrooms. Didn’t shower. Haven’t shaved for days. Put on gym shorts and T-shirt. Might need new T-shirts, went on Amazon looking for one that says, “Swine Flu Survivor.” Made coffee and read the paper. Articles included: “COVID-19 toilet paper hoarding: What would Freud Say?”; “COVID-19: How to celebrate a birthday using a virtual birthday cake.” Exercised while watching a program that was selling a wearable 6-foot distance warning detector.

Day 5 – Woke up. Didn’t shower again. Wore gym shorts and T-shirt I’d worn to bed. Made coffee and didn’t read the paper. Turned on the local news and heard: “COVID-19 the new depression”; “COVID-19: Eating tree bark in an emergency.” Collected toilet paper spools. I’d come up with a brainstorm. Take spools, some fishing line and wood to make “Silent wind chimes.” They’d blow against each other in the wind without the annoying noise of regular chimes. Possible Christmas gifts. Went to get the mail as the mail delivery guy pulled up. Think my Zombie-like appearance scared him. He waved and hustled on. Maybe it was my shorts and flip-flops in 30-degree weather. My toenails and fingernails were long, but not Howard Hughesian.

We’re all in this together and will make it through this crisis. Unless the toilet paper supply is wiped out!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Alas, it’s time for my annual local predictions, which might be as welcome as your property tax assessment or “Boomtown” utility bill. In past years I’ve used various techniques to peek into the future, from looking through an opaque vessel, ala Nostradamus, to employing Climate Change computer models. Determined to use a more scientific process this year, I made an exhaustive list of predictions then enlisted my pet terrier Dom DeBoston to assist in picking the ones most likely to come true. I printed the numerous predictions on sustainable hemp cards and placed them randomly around my backyard. Over several days I chose the ones that were in closest proximity to where Dom practiced the process of elimination. In the words of Jackie Gleason, “And away we go!”

– “Show Us Your Cracks” Program: To fix the $300K botched attempt to repair street cracks due to a deceitful contractor, the City launches a marketing program in conjunction with a hip hop “saggy pants” manufacturer. Citizens are requested to send in photos of fissures needing repair.

– “HOPElessgate”: The “Not So Dynamic Duo” City Councilwomen accused of threatening the OUR Center from competing with HOPE and using their private email servers for City business will go on “double secret” probation losing their email privileges and will have to conduct all City business with City logoed postcards, to be reviewed by a local butcher, baker and candlestick maker.

– “Mega Cage Match”: They have run Longtown to make it the “Boomtown” it is today. I’m talking about Mayor Brian the “Barrister Beast” Bagley and Gordon the “Boa Constrictor Insider” Pedrow. They’ve had their recent “Which City Father Knows Best” disagreement. In the new year, they agree to a grudge match for charity (eliminating dueling, saber fencing and sumo wrestling). Maybe paintball at the Sugar Factory, rowing competition across Union Reservoir or a Longmont Trivia contest at the library.

– St. George vs. RTD Dragon Emerges: We continue to be fleeced by RTD for the Northwest Rail Line mirage. I predict a knight in shining armor will arise and pull “Excalibur” from the stone to lead a challenge to the RTD sham and get us out of this deceitful extortion and possibly get Longmont into a Northern Colorado Transit organization like TransFort. I know of a couple people in our City Government who have the business and “real world” experience, along with the fighter mentality to take this on.

– Boulder County Commissars Rubber Stamp: It was announced the Boulder Country Commissars voted unanimously to approve a $440 million budget for 2020. I predict since they are always in lockstep lacking any diversity of opinion in passing budgeting and county issues they will implement a unique rubber stamp with each of their initials and use it to approve any future decisions.

These predictions are purely conjecture on mine and Dom DeBoston’s part and should not be used for use in wagering or any impeachment proceedings. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

                                          Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Hypocrite, n. One who, professing virtues that he does not respect, secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises.

Ambrose Bierce

On December 27th, Longmont United Hospital is closing its exercise and warm water pool facility, the United Health and Wellness Center, and forming a new partnership with the Ed and Ruth Lehman YMCA in Longmont. Andrew Ritz, the hospital’s VP of operations and COO, confirmed the closure, citing the 30-plus-year-old age of the facility and its repair requirements along with declining membership at the gym as factors. Three full-time employees, one part-time employee and three per-diem employees will be affected by the closure. The YMCA is considering expanding its facilities with a warm water pool, but this could take a year or more for completion. Parking and no valet service at the YMCA would make access difficult for many existing United Health and Wellness members. Also, having the current facility at the hospital allows for immediate care should they have a mild or catastrophic health event.

Nearly 200 people crowded into a hospital conference room on November 19th for a community meeting with LUH – Centura Health and YMCA representatives. Many attendees were upset at losing this vital Longmont resource for Seniors, the disabled and people recovering from injuries or surgeries and made several requests to alter plans to close the facilities on December 27th. Andrew Ritz responded that the pool was at ‘the end of life,” and the decision to close was final. I attended the community meeting and it wasn’t held to solicit constructive ideas or solutions, more of a “cover your (name for a donkey)” session. The decision had been made. Holding this meeting before the final closing decision was made would have been more productive for an organization that touts the “caring for community” mantra. Some requests to alter plans that were ignored during the meeting included:

Some other ideas I’ve had since the meeting include:

• Solicit a Donor interested in directing funds towards the pool.
• Start a “Go Fund Me” page.
• Members should contact UC Longs Peak Hospital to see if they are interested in adding a warm water pool in their future expansion.

I’ve seen the positive physical and mental effects the warm water pool has produced with my mother in helping her recover from a stroke. I’ve also witnessed the elation and sense of freedom others have enjoyed by leaving their walkers, canes or even wheelchairs at the side of the pool and moving unencumbered in the water. Here’s Centura Health’s Mission and Ethics Statements from their website:  

Centura Health Mission: We extend the healing ministry of Christ by caring for those who are ill and by nurturing the health of the people in our communities.

Here, ethics are always our guide: Centura Health promotes a workplace and health care environment that values the uniqueness of individuals. We believe our patients, associates, providers, volunteers, vendors and other business sources should be valued, respected, understood, satisfied and encouraged. Wonderful words, but empty promises when actions don’t reflect them. Sad that LUH – Centura Health decided to play the “Grinch” this holiday season and shut down a facility and program that helps nurture a large and growing segment of the local community.

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado.

Dear Jimmie – I read Longmont surveyed its residents, business owners and their employees – as well as its neighbors and visitors – as part of a “branding process.” The new brand logo replaced the “You Belong in Longmont” logo and slogan the city adopted eight years ago. The new brand’s logo will include Longmont’s name, but not a slogan. Guide Studio Consulting firm from Cleveland, Ohio created the new logo, but for $30K how about a slogan? What was wrong with the former logo and slogan? The city should have a contest and ask citizens for their slogan suggestions.

Ineeda Slogun

Dear Ineeda – Here’s a city slogan joke I like:

Q: “What will happen if the City of Detroit loses another 25 percent of their population?”

A: “City Council will change the cities nickname from Motown to LessTown!”

• Anonymous

Many cities have brands/slogans that make them instantly memorable, for instance – New York, New York – The Big Apple, Amsterdam, Netherlands – I Amsterdam, Paris, France – City of Love and Lights, Toyoko, Japan – Old Meets New, St. Louis, Missouri – Gateway to the West, Las Vegas, Nevada – What Happens Here, Stays Here. Gettysburg, South Dakota – Where the Battle Wasn’t, Gas, Kansas – Don’t Pass Gas, Stop and Enjoy it, Peculiar, Missouri – Where the “Odds” are With You, Denver, Iowa – The Mile Wide City, San Andreas, California – It’s Not Our Fault, Tombstone, Arizona – The Town Too Tough to Die, Eaton, Colorado – Beef, Beets and Beans.

 I liked the “You Belong in Longmont” slogan framed by the blue 3-dimensional “L” block letter logo being used for the past eight years, simple and classy. To me, the new logo without a slogan looks like cross between an African Zulu tribe war shield minus the cowhide and a secret Freemason top-down pyramid with snakes crossing at the bottom.As a public service, feel free to use any of the following branding slogan ideas combined with the new logo:

Longmont, Colorado –

You Used to Belong in Longmont, Now, You Belong to Longmont.

Our “Monts” are Longer Than Yours.

Sanctuary to All, Just Don’t Parachute In.

Home of a Daily RTD Train Robbery.

Our Freight Trains Insure “The End is Not Near.”

Stay at Our “Chernobyl Hilton” Sugar Factory, It Gets Glowing Reviews.

We’ll Take Care of You, Your Former Freedoms are Overrated.

Sustainability: Looking to Sustain Soviet Era Creature Comforts

A Pet Rock Striving to Be a Boulder, But We Won’t Take You for Granite.

Boulder’s Hippie Bedroom Commune.

Visit Our Mall, World’s Largest Food Court.

Taking the High Road.

Where Vehicle Blinkers Go to Die.

Cruising is in Our DNA.

Next to Hygiene, Colorado’s Cleanest City.

Named After a Mountain, But We Haven’t Reached Our Peak.

Don’t Sell Yourself Short, Choose Longmont.

Don’t let my sarcastic slogans for the new logo convince you I don’t like my hometown. The last four slogans are positive. I love this piece of terra firma and its inhabitants and only wish for it to as “Spock” said on Star Trek to “live long and prosper.” I deal in sarcasm which requires a negative comment wishing for a positive, like this quote by Mark Twain: “I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.” My older brother Johnnie St. Vrain deals in more learned and positive information. Mom always liked him best.

Jimmie St. Vrain claims to be Johnnie St. Vrain’s wiseguy brother and Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Dear Jimmie – I’m hopping mad over an article I read saying Boulder County agencies were going to lethally control, with humane methods, American bullfrogs, then freeze and distribute them to schools for science class dissection. Where is the outcry from Prairie Dog activists or PETA?

Tad Pole

Dear Tad – What jumps up at me is the quote, “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others,” from George Orwell’s, Animal Farm. These bullfrogs are not as adorable as prairie dogs, who if correctly named plague rodents would probably also be dissection material. Developers and farmers experience the most heartburn from PD’s, but they are not on Boulder County’s Christmas-Hanukah-Kwanza-Winter Solstice-Festivus card list. These are “American” bullfrogs after all. If they were Venezuelan or Cuban bullfrogs, they’d be dressed up in little Che Guevara T-Shirts, given a parade and celebrated with an Amphibian Pride Week in Boulder.The extinction method being used is to stun them with electrical shock, then Orajel kiddie gum numbing gel is applied to their little posteriors and they go night-night permanently. Sounds humane, if you’re Hannibal Lecter! PETA has a cow when an animal skin is worn. Where’s their outrage when a little “ribbeter” gets butt-whacked and carved up in a science class? Truth be told, I loved frog legs when I had them a few years ago. Tasted like free-range, comforted with high self-esteem, chicken.

Dear Jimmie – I read the Boulder Country Commissioners voted unanimously in favor of another moratorium on new oil and gas drilling so they could take more time to update its rules under a new state law that gives local governments more authority over well locations. What about consideration for our mineral rights?

Getting Drilled by Boulder County

Dear Drilled – I’m sorry, but you live in the wrong county. Should be in Weld. The three Boulder County Commissioner “apparatchiks” could stop playing this silly game of extending moratoriums based on needing more time to update rules and state their true feelings of disdain for fossil fuel use in Boulder County. I’m speculating, but here are some possible statements they could make to come “clean.”

1. Oil field workers drive Earth destroying diesel pickups, some with gun racks and hate-filled bumper stickers like, “My Truck Burns the Gas Your Prius Saves.”
2. People who support fracking all drink Budweiser or Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, listen to country music and dis Boulder, a city that embraces everyone.
3. We only have 12 years to live due to human-caused climate change unless we stop fracking now! If not, the RTD taxes we have all paid for the Northwest Fastrack Rail line will have been wasted, since it won’t be ready until 2050.
4. If people gave up their large houses for 200 sq. ft. tiny homes they could survive without a heater in the winter, air conditioning in the summer and quit using natural gas. By having a smaller living space, the body heat of two people will provide adequate warmth for the winter. Hand fans popular in the late 19^th and early 20^th centuries could provide enough cooling during the hot summer months and it’s a good workout for your arms. Two people living in a prison cell usually have half this sq. footage.

Jimmie St. Vrain claims to be Johnnie St. Vrain’s wiseguy brother and Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.