Greetings, Masked Marauders. I want to assure you all efforts have been made to vaccinate & boost this year’s predictions from the following dreaded writing viruses: obvious predictability, “dime a dozen” cliches, lack of pacing, like you know sentences that are too long or have too many words in them, unrealistic situations and characters, failure to check if they’re are misused or mispeled words and this horrible variant I’ve really, really tried to avoid: extreme snarkiness masquerading as sarcasm. Speaking of masquerading…

…Longmont City Council, in an effort to quell the adverse reactions to holding virtual meetings again, implement a concession by having cardboard cutouts or bobblehead dolls of the mayor and themselves sitting in the chamber with video monitors in front of them broadcasting the virtual meeting feed. The public can attend the meetings in person and comment as long as they are masked, practicing social distancing, provide proof of vaccination and are not concealing any rotten tomatoes. Speaking of produce, like sugar beets…

…Starting next year, public comments will be taken on redeveloping the sugar factory and STEAM area (science, technology, education and arts) on 250 acres southeast of Longmont. I predict some sugar factory ideas suggested will include, a Willy Wonka Candy Museum, indoor mall including Dillard’s clothing store, toilet paper distribution center and my personal favorite: new indoor swimming pool, ice skating/hockey arena, recreation center and sports bar housed in the newly named “Sugar Cube.” Speaking of cubes or other shapes…

…The Boulder County Commissioners will announce one of the 2022 Environmental Sustainability Grants recipientsto Longmont for its proposed funding of $100,000. This grant will support a company named “Nice to Have Gnome You,” which reduces the land needed for cemeteries by taking cremation remains and using heat and pressure to compress your loved ones into decorative yard gnomes. Their slogan is, “Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust, Displaying Your Gnome is a Must!” Speaking of Gnomes and Covid experts…

…A new Covid variant will be discovered called “pharmarichhysteriacocus.” Symptoms include excessive media verbal panic diarrhea, uncontrolled head shaking/finger-wagging in public, mask-wearing while driving, sleeping and showering. The new booster for this variant must be administered in the buttocks using an Amazonian indigenous native’s blowgun to get the dart deep enough. Speaking of posteriors…

…RTD will agree to refund a portion of the tax collected since 2004 for the “Ghost” FasTracks train line for Boulder County. It’s estimated over $270M has been sent to RTD since the tax was approved. While they will agree in principle to a partial refund, they first need to commission a study to determine the correct amount. The cost of the study is estimated to be $269.9M. A refund would be made after study completion late next year. Speaking of next year…

…Hope you have a safe and sane holiday and a wonderful 2022. Happy New Year!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

“Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.”

                                         -Groucho Marx

Hollywood has served up a constant stream of superhero characters and movies over the last few decades. While I enjoyed the first Batman and Superman films, many of the recent offerings seemed to keep plot lines that guarantee sequels. The diversity of superheroes has naturally spread beyond Bruce Wayne/Batman, trust fund baby and Clark Kent/Superman, alien immigrant with perfect teeth who now can date Lois Lane and Jimmy Olson in a single bound. A more diverse lineup now includes Thor, a Nordic guy with an anger problem due to being force-fed lutefisk as a child, Wonder Woman, an exotic isolated island female likely to pummel you for saying she is attractive, and the mystical Doctor Strange (not Fauci). A superhero demographic that Hollywood hasn’t satisfactorily represented is one for the “seasoned citizens,” anyone over 65, including me. My over 65 superhero would be called, “50 Shades of Grey Owl.” His mask would be like a hockey goalie’s with an owl graphic and “Tommy” inscribed on the side. Why Tommy? “Tommy” was an album by the “Who” get it who and an owl? His costume would have an “expansion waist,” belt, suspenders and extra-long shirttail to prevent “superhero crack.” He is also ever vigilant nocturnally since he has to hit the bathroom 2-3 times a night anyway. His protective arsenal consists of a blood pressure cuff he swings like a bolo. He would have aerosolized forms of his drug prescriptions to spray on adversaries that would cause painful side effects and disablement. Especially effective would be his Viagra which would cause male criminals to “high center” themselves while running to escape and Fibercon, which would force criminals to immediately seek a restroom. The “Owl” would enlist his sidekick grandson, the “Red Rumped Parrot” adorned in a green mask with nose piercings, too small T-shirt, jean shorts cinched below his hips with bright red boxer shorts bringing up the rear, to drive their Oldsmobile 98 car when he’s not gaming or working at the local vape shop. When not fighting senior internet, telephone or door to door scammers, the “Owl” is a mild-mannered samba and pickleball instructor at a local Senior Center named Tab Fresca who depends on the “Parrot” to monitor the police scanner and social media to find their next hoodlum to bring to justice. During his downtime, our superhero can be found at the Senior Center playing cribbage or backgammon with his other superhero allies, including former proctologist Doctor Ben Dover who moonlights as “The Wild Impaler” and massage therapist Rolf Kneader who turns into “The Boa Constrictor.” Some possible movie titles starring the Grey Owl and friends could be: “Raiders of the Lost AARP,” Honey I Shrunk the Prostate,” and “Mission Impossible – Finding Missing Dentures on RTD.”

Back to reality. I believe every person that’s crossed into senior citizenry deserves superhero status for tolerating:

*Ads for drugs with side effects the Marquis de Sade couldn’t duplicate.

*Rude behavior from “Fast and Furious” wannabe punks while you’re obeying traffic laws.

*Lectures from “wet behind the ears noobs” blaming older generations for ruining their future. Guess they didn’t learn about the defeat of Nazis, Imperial Japan and the Soviet Union or the air and water pollution cleaned up in the 1960s.

*Entertainment industry portraying us oldsters as cranky, confused, slow, drooling nincompoops. (I’ll accept drooling, but I’m not slow).

So, give a senior citizen an air-hug or fist bump today. They might not have anyone else in their life that makes them feel appreciated. Be careful of any drool!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Dear Jimmie – I read Longmont’s City Council passed a “Healthy Beverages for Children’s Meals” ordinance that would require restaurants serving what they’ve designated to be children’s meals to make unsweetened water or milk the preferred options with those kids’ meals. Seems like another “Nanny State” overreach. What do you think?

Ankle Biter Herder

Dear ABH – I think you’re looking at this all wrong. This is an opportune time to suggest other ordinances for the City Council to consider and implement. I’ve gathered some from around the country that merit consideration and embellished them in bolded/italics:

-Alabama: Elephants must not be placed in electric ovens. But can be placed in an approved microwave or toaster oven.

-California: A frog that dies during a frog-jumping contest cannot be eaten and must be “destroyed” as soon as possible. But a city permit can be purchased by a licensed chef to humanely remove their legs for future cooking and eating.

-Colorado:Cats must be fitted with a tail light if sneaking out of the house. But only after dusk, and it hasn’t left a note telling where it’s going.

-Delaware: It’s a misdemeanor to sell, barter, or offer the fur of a domestic dog or cat. But a city permit can be purchased that waives the misdemeanor if that fur is used in a work of art.

-Idaho:Cannibalism is strictly prohibited and punishable by up to 14 years in prison. However, the law is allowed under “life-threatening conditions as the only apparent means of survival,” according to the Idaho State Legislature. But make sure to eat a Clif Bar, not your friend Cliff.

-Missouri: If a bull or ram over the age of one year runs rampant for more than three days, any person may castrate the animal without assuming liability for damage. But should be performed by a professional after the animal has stopped running rampant.

-Oregon: A dead person cannot be required to serve on a jury. But they shall have the right to vote.

-West Virginia: It’s illegal to substitute a ferret for a hunting dog. But a miniature horse or potbellied pig emotional support animal is ok as long as it’s wearing a fluorescent hunting vest.

Here are a couple more suggested ordinances I’ve come up with that merit consideration:

-Require Bar and Restaurant mandated drink and food portion size restrictions based on an individual’s BMI weight calculation measured by a server using the new electronic girth utility tool “GUT.”

-Covid masks only on until you are seated in an eating establishment. Does this offer the best protection? How about disposable tent-shaped table condoms where a server can slide your food and drink to you near the floor.

I’m sure you can come up with some other ordinances for consideration. Oh, I almost forgot. The disposable tent-shaped table condoms could be requested as paper or plastic.

Jimmie St. Vrain claims to be Johnnie St. Vrain’s wise guy brother. Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

 Once upon a time, there was a king named RTD of Fleece-em.  Even by kingly standards, RTD was a greedy king. All he cared about was taxes, taxes, taxes, and let’s see, oh yes, taxes. So, he sent his tax collectors into the Longmontshire hamlet, having convinced the peasants many years ago he would build a shiny new road with pumpkin coaches, (wait, that’s another tale) golden coaches leading to his Fleece-em castle. As the people grew poorer and poorer from being taxed, King RTD grew richer and richer. The peasants were reduced to living on broken promises and sugar beets. For breakfast, they had bowls of sugar beet flakes. For lunch, sugar beet sandwiches. And for dinner, roast filet of sugar beet with sugar beet gravy. As a result, King RTD began to get the funny feeling that people didn’t like him very much, especially when peasants wrote hateful things in Ye Olde Times-Call like, “King RTD should be boiled in sugar beet soup.”  Not that he cared about them. But what he did care about was raising taxes. So, the king called a meeting of his former board members, some from the prestigious advising firm of Hyde, Distrakt, Hoodwink, and Rob. “I need to do something to make people like me so I can tax them even more,” said the king. “Well, your eminence,” piped up Rob, “I’m just talking off the top of my monks cut here. But what about lowering taxes and refunding some money back to the peasants? We could—-” That seemed to be an unpopular idea. Two palace guards grabbed Rob and carried him off to the dungeon. The next day, the king called another meeting of his former board members and new advising firm, Hyde, Distrakt and Hoodwink. Hyde spoke up, “what if we said the former road plan wouldn’t work through no fault of yours sire? How could we predict the cost of protecting against winged monkeys on the route went through the roof and the black plague halted any work being done because our workers had the gall to die and not show up for their shift. Also, the Princes in and round Fleece-em needed their roads completed first. Remember, they keep you in power. Now you can say we can join with the Barons of Amtrak and others to provide a more direct road to Fleece-em for the beet eaters of Longmontshire. Which would, of course, entail new taxes.” “I like this idea. But what do we do with the rabble-rouser Earl of Bagley and the Longmontshire City Council Viscounts who are pointing out that I, the king am a fraud and might not be wearing any clothes?” “We send out an official letter of excuse from the assembled former board members, then do what we’ve always done and delay delivering on your promise by stating new studies need to be conducted so we can provide the best road possible on this complicated project.” “That’s brilliant! Does anyone else feel a draft?” said the king.

Moral of the story: Don’t follow the sheep when the king is pulling the wool over your eyes.

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

“A joke about communism isn’t funny unless…everyone gets it.”

– Anonymous

Salutations Comrades – Being pure in thought with the emerging Collective State, my predictions are respectful of the things they do to guide us towards an enlightened, Utopian tomorrow. They sacrifice managing their lives to manage ours, especially during Covid. Speaking of Covid…

…Masks worn by women, besides reducing the spread of the virus, have shown to reduce men’s attraction and inherent sexism towards them. Men want to view women’s mouths to obtain approval by a smile or imagine what a kiss would be like. Continued wearing of the masks enable women to stand shoulder to shoulder with men to advance the ideals of the Collective. Speaking of advancing ideals…

…Taking a “Father Knows Best” approach, Longmont City Council passed a resolution unanimously and sent a letter imploring the Weld County Commissioners to follow the governor’s COVID-19 restrictions. In 2021, these defenders of the State will pass resolutions and send letters to Weld County requesting they curtail all livestock production due to methane gas’s negative effect on Climate Change. Another resolution and letter will request all oil production, including fracking, be halted. Weld County will probably send back a picture of a cow expelling methane towards a tiny windmill with the caption, “Problem Solved.” This type of rebellious, flippant behavior needs to be dealt with when future “re-education” camps are established. Speaking of re-education…

…K-12 and college educators will rename American History classes as “Eurocentric Colonization” studies and re-enlist Ward Churchill to help develop the curriculum. Also, increased focus will be on leaders that shaped the Collective world. New classes will be introduced using the following books: “Population Control, Ahead of His Time?” by Chairman Mao, “Decisive Management Steps to Address Poor Attitudes” by Joseph Stalin and Che Guevara’s “Making a Killing Selling Capitalists T-Shirts and Rope.” Speaking of rope…

…Longmont will continue to be tied to our transportation partner, RTD, who will request a tax increase and launch a new marketing campaign titled; “Take Us for a Ride.” This campaign encourages citizens to leave their cars at home for local trips and ride for free. Seats are always available. Riders who reach 20 trips will receive free yard signs stating, “I Got Taken for a Ride and So Can You.”  An RTD spokesperson commented, “Longmont has been such a great team player over the years. Their progressive, unselfish attitude has helped the entire district. RTD continues to be fully transparent to our patrons.” Speaking of transparency…

…A cutting-edge architectural concealment company proposes to Boulder County Commissioners, Longmont City council and property owner to use its camouflage, smoke and mirrors technology to hide the visually polluting Sugar Factory site. The proposal is approved unanimously with only a cost of $3M. It would be funded from the county and city’s Open Space fund. A spokesperson for Boulder County Commissioners stated, “this project dovetails with our “Beautification” initiative and since you won’t see the Sugar Factory after the work, this qualifies as Open Space. What an exciting way to start the New Year!” Speaking of New Year…

…Happy Chinese New Year!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

The U.S. is 244 years old. No wonder we have difficulty achieving and maintaining an election.
                                                                      – Rick Aaron

You have probably seen the yellow and black covered instruction manuals with ______ for Dummies title unless you’ve been living in a cave or Joe Biden’s basement. The manuals cover a myriad of topics from “Performing Your Lobotomy” to “Reloading Your Toilet Paper Holder.” Even though some previous “Voting for Dummies” books have been released over the years. I wanted to add my condensed version.

Important Dates to Know for Election 2020: Oct 9 – Ballots start to get mailed to active voters. Oct 10 – Ballots are mailed to deceased voters and individuals with the name John Doe, Elmer Fudd and James Hoffa. Oct 11 – Ballots are mailed to felons and all names in the Caracas, Venezuela phone directory. Oct 19 – Drop boxes and copying centers open to start accepting ballots. Voting and Polling Centers Open. Oct 26 – Last day to update your registration to receive a ballot by mail. Previously deceased need to secure a ride to deposit their ballots, RTD or Uber is an option. RTD can secure your casket or urn to the front of their buses, please have the correct fare or ride for free in Longmont. Remember to tip your Uber driver. When updating your registration, refrain from listing your current occupation as an explosives expert. Nov 3 Election Day – Last day to vote, ballots must be received by 7pm unless you can prove you are absentee or delayed due to fire, flood, plague of locusts, your funeral that day, or you were looking for the RTD Northwest Rail Line to get to your Longmont polling location.

Voter Instructions: Read all instructions on your ballot and vote using a black or blue ballpoint pen. Crayon, charcoal briquet or fountain pen using octopus ink is prohibited. When voting yes or no to retain judges we suggest getting a heads/tails call by flipping something other than a coin (due to the shortage), like a drink coaster (remove drink first), yard gnome or family pet.

Refold your voted ballot and place it into your return envelope (your name is pre-printed on the return envelope). Only put your ballot in your return envelope. Do not include your City of Longmont utility bill or late library book fee payment in this envelope. If you received an additional ballot for a deceased or non-citizen relative please contact Colorado Secretary of State Jena Griswold for guidance. Sign your ballot envelope. By law, your signature is required. Make sure you sign first name, middle name, or initial (if on the envelope), then last name. Suggest you don’t write a pseudonym like “The Dude,” Mister Master,” Ballot-Rina,” or use a symbol, like Ƭ̵̬̊  for the artist formerly known as “Prince.” If you misplace or lent your envelope, please contact Boulder County Elections for a replacement. It is a violation of law to receive more than 10 ballots for mailing or delivery in any election unless you’ve secured a polygamist permit. When returning your ballot, no postage is required at Ballot Drop-Off or Vote Centers. If mailing, we recommend you send your ballot no later than Mon, Oct 26. Must use the current U.S. Postage stamp of $100.25. Do not use old “Green Stamps,” “Peppa Pig” stickers from your grand-kids books or a souvenir stamp from your passport. Please use a lightly damp sponge or glue stick to seal your envelope and stamps if mailing to reduce Covid and cootie transmission. If you must lick, please do so with your mask on…

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Dear Jimmie – I read that Governor Polis has appointed three Boulder community leaders to serve on a new state board tasked with evaluating public landmarks with racist or controversial names and making official recommendations to him. Why did he appoint three Boulder leaders? How about some state diversity on this board?

Dennis the Deplorable Menace

Well, Mr. Menace – I’m breathlessly awaiting their recommendations. One recommendation I would heartily welcome is changing the name of Climax, Colorado to something like “Payoff,” “Jiggly Wiggly,” or “Oh My God.” Seriously, here are some names I would focus on changing under the board’s mandate:

No Name, Colorado: The 2010 census population was 123. It is located east of Glenwood Springs, off Exit 119 of Interstate 70 in Glenwood Canyon. It is named for No Name Creek and No Name Canyon. I would recommend it be renamed, “Climax.”

Colorado: Means “Colored Red’ in Spanish. Isn’t this cultural appropriation? Could also be offensive to Native Americans. How about changing the name to “Cannabis de Peaks?”

Denver: Named after the Kansas Territory Governor in the 1860s who might or might not have supported the “Lecompton Act” allowing the Territory to become a slave-owning entity. My recommendation is Denver be replaced with the name “Syringe Town”.

Cheesman Park: Named after Walter Cheesman. An early Denver capitalist. In 1868 he, John Evans and David H. Moffat began work to build the Denver Pacific Railroad to Cheyenne, Wyoming. If Mount Evans name is going to be changed, then Cheesman Park needs to be changed to its original cemetery name of “Prospect Hill.” 

Longmont: Named after Stephen Long US Army Explorer in the early 1800s. After finding and naming Longs Peak and the Rocky Mountains, his group journeyed down the South Platte River to the Arkansas River watershed. They ran into hostile Indians and had to eventually eat their horses. Talk about animal cruelty! My recommendation is Longmont be replaced with “Progmont.”

Boulder: C’mon Man! A city named after a common rock? Needs to revert to the original name, “Nannieville” in honor of one of its first settlers, Imur Nannie.

Fort Collins, Fort Morgan, Fort Lupton: These names point to our White militaristic agenda of stealing lands from the Native peoples. I recommend “Fort” be dropped from each name and replaced with popular drink names, “Tom Collins,” “Captain Morgan,” and “Martini Lupton,” (uses radishes instead of olives).

The following terms aren’t geographic related, but require consideration:

White Water Rafting: Connotates an activity reserved for Caucasian privilege. Suggest the name be changed to “Angry or Agitated Water Rafting.”

White Out:  Should no longer describe a blizzard or correction fluid but should now refer to: “replacing people without color with people of color.”

These are some of my suggestions. One last change I’d like to offer refers to this board’s name, Colorado Geographic Naming Advisory Board. This name seems so sterile and boring. How about “Blast the Past” Board, “Making History Great Again” Board or my favorite: “Party Like Its 1984” Board.

From my April 1^st email correspondence:

“The Times-Call gets rid of three writers I liked (Betty Heath, Pam Mellskog and Scott Rochat), yet they still print your tripe that falls short of humor/sarcasm by a country mile. I know they can’t be paying you. Instead of writing, maybe you should join the circus next time it’s in town, they need someone to clean up after the elephants. You have plenty of practice shoveling big piles of poop.”                

Al Caholic

“Hey, (expletive deleted), you keep making fun of the RTD, which is doing its part to save us from the Global Climate Change crisis. So what if they haven’t built the Northwest Rail yet, it’s on the drawing board. How is the tiny RTD tax affecting your life? A few less six-packs of beer and less gas in your large replacement for lower testosterone level pick-up truck?”      

Ima Scolder

“I usually like the information presented by Johnnie St. Vrain, but your Jimmie St. Vrain gives me nothing but a pounding headache and nauseous feeling. What gives you the right to make fun of things under the label of sarcasm? I much prefer satire to sarcasm…yeah that’s it. Your Jimmie St. Vrain needs to do more satire and less sarcasm.”                                               

Will E. Makeit

“The World is crumbling all around us due to the COVID-19 Pandemic and you’re making light of the crisis with your recent article, “Diary of a Coronavirus Hermit.” You’re probably one of those irresponsible people that doesn’t keep 6’ social distance, wash or sanitize your hands often and you probably touch your face and other body parts often. I hope you run out of toilet paper and have to use pinecones. That will get the smirk off your face, buster!”                                     

Hiram Walker  

 “How dare you use your Boston Terrier (Dom DeBoston) as a foil in your juvenile articles. If he had a voice, I’m sure he’d tell you to take a long walk on a short pier. This borders on animal cruelty for the shame he would feel if he could read you’re illogical ravings. I suggest you take him to a certified pet psychic in Boulder and find out how he feels about being used without a say or at least compensation.”    

Kynda Harsch

“Just because you moved to Longmont in 1960 doesn’t give you the write to make fun of the onederful “Socialist” things making this former “cow-town” into a copy of the Nirvana that is Boulder. I think “OK Boomer,” every time you hate on the Boulder County Commissioners. The only Open Space problem we have is the one between your ears. You are probably a deplorable conservative or libertarian who is living in the past and can’t adjust to the “New Global Order.” You don’t seem to take the COVID-19 pandemonium very serious, based on your last article. What if our elected officials hadn’t taken the Nazi’s bombing of Pearl Harbor in that World War seriously? Well, we’d all be speaking Nazi now! Another pet beef I have with your articles is they tend to ramble on and on with no point. Besides changing your political beliefs, how about shortening some of your sentences so you keep the readers interested in what you are trying to say and not falling asleep in a roundabout sort of way. That’s all I have to say. All I am saying is give peace a chance.”                              

Field N. Stream

Day 1 – Got woke (from sleep, not more consciously awake). Took inventory of toilet paper stock: # of individual sheets per roll x number of rolls. Spent 30 minutes re-rolling individual roll. Showered, reviewed wardrobe options. Decided on sweats and T-shirt. Made coffee and read the paper. Articles included: “COVID-19: Wash your hands frequently. Avoid touching your face unless wearing welding gloves. Sneeze and cough into a tissue (don’t use toilet paper, need to conserve your supply) or your elbow.” Organized sock drawer. Exercised at home. Sanitized hands and went to bed.

Day 2 – Woke up after dreaming I was naked in a grocery store looking for hot dogs and baked beans. The bagger asked if I wanted paper or plastic to cover up. I went with paper and made a recyclable pair of pants. Dressed in sweats and T-shirt after checking our paper bag supply. Checked if my toilet paper was 2-ply, in case I needed to separate sheets to double my inventory. Made coffee and read the paper. Articles included: “COVID-19 events and business closures”; “COVID-19 things could get worse, but don’t panic.” Walked outside with the dog. Sanitized his paws and my hands after returning. Watched sporting programs on ESPN including: Championship log rolling with square logs, and I got wrapped up in watching anaconda wrestling.

Day 3 – Woke up. Was careful to wash my hands after showering. Was headed to the grocery store, so I dressed up in sweats and a T-shirt. Made coffee and read the paper. Articles included: “COVID-19 ticking time bomb: You might already have it with no symptoms!”; “COVID-19 a bull in a china shop!” Went to the grocery store and didn’t need to sanitize a grocery cart, since none were available. First toilet paper, now grocery carts, what will be hoarded next? Walked past hot dogs, double checked to make sure I was dressed. Picked up a few items and noticed many aisles were barren. Some items were still available, like pickled pigs’ feet and herring. Went home and sanitized the car steering wheel.

Day 4 – Woke up after having a nightmare. Boulder County Commissioners were demonstrating how to use bidets and mandating all residents must install them in their bathrooms. Didn’t shower. Haven’t shaved for days. Put on gym shorts and T-shirt. Might need new T-shirts, went on Amazon looking for one that says, “Swine Flu Survivor.” Made coffee and read the paper. Articles included: “COVID-19 toilet paper hoarding: What would Freud Say?”; “COVID-19: How to celebrate a birthday using a virtual birthday cake.” Exercised while watching a program that was selling a wearable 6-foot distance warning detector.

Day 5 – Woke up. Didn’t shower again. Wore gym shorts and T-shirt I’d worn to bed. Made coffee and didn’t read the paper. Turned on the local news and heard: “COVID-19 the new depression”; “COVID-19: Eating tree bark in an emergency.” Collected toilet paper spools. I’d come up with a brainstorm. Take spools, some fishing line and wood to make “Silent wind chimes.” They’d blow against each other in the wind without the annoying noise of regular chimes. Possible Christmas gifts. Went to get the mail as the mail delivery guy pulled up. Think my Zombie-like appearance scared him. He waved and hustled on. Maybe it was my shorts and flip-flops in 30-degree weather. My toenails and fingernails were long, but not Howard Hughesian.

We’re all in this together and will make it through this crisis. Unless the toilet paper supply is wiped out!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Alas, it’s time for my annual local predictions, which might be as welcome as your property tax assessment or “Boomtown” utility bill. In past years I’ve used various techniques to peek into the future, from looking through an opaque vessel, ala Nostradamus, to employing Climate Change computer models. Determined to use a more scientific process this year, I made an exhaustive list of predictions then enlisted my pet terrier Dom DeBoston to assist in picking the ones most likely to come true. I printed the numerous predictions on sustainable hemp cards and placed them randomly around my backyard. Over several days I chose the ones that were in closest proximity to where Dom practiced the process of elimination. In the words of Jackie Gleason, “And away we go!”

– “Show Us Your Cracks” Program: To fix the $300K botched attempt to repair street cracks due to a deceitful contractor, the City launches a marketing program in conjunction with a hip hop “saggy pants” manufacturer. Citizens are requested to send in photos of fissures needing repair.

– “HOPElessgate”: The “Not So Dynamic Duo” City Councilwomen accused of threatening the OUR Center from competing with HOPE and using their private email servers for City business will go on “double secret” probation losing their email privileges and will have to conduct all City business with City logoed postcards, to be reviewed by a local butcher, baker and candlestick maker.

– “Mega Cage Match”: They have run Longtown to make it the “Boomtown” it is today. I’m talking about Mayor Brian the “Barrister Beast” Bagley and Gordon the “Boa Constrictor Insider” Pedrow. They’ve had their recent “Which City Father Knows Best” disagreement. In the new year, they agree to a grudge match for charity (eliminating dueling, saber fencing and sumo wrestling). Maybe paintball at the Sugar Factory, rowing competition across Union Reservoir or a Longmont Trivia contest at the library.

– St. George vs. RTD Dragon Emerges: We continue to be fleeced by RTD for the Northwest Rail Line mirage. I predict a knight in shining armor will arise and pull “Excalibur” from the stone to lead a challenge to the RTD sham and get us out of this deceitful extortion and possibly get Longmont into a Northern Colorado Transit organization like TransFort. I know of a couple people in our City Government who have the business and “real world” experience, along with the fighter mentality to take this on.

– Boulder County Commissars Rubber Stamp: It was announced the Boulder Country Commissars voted unanimously to approve a $440 million budget for 2020. I predict since they are always in lockstep lacking any diversity of opinion in passing budgeting and county issues they will implement a unique rubber stamp with each of their initials and use it to approve any future decisions.

These predictions are purely conjecture on mine and Dom DeBoston’s part and should not be used for use in wagering or any impeachment proceedings. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

                                          Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.