“WARNING: These predictions could cause some to retreat to their comfort closet or blanket fort under their bed safe space.” Elevated blood pressure and extreme gastric distress is possible in some individuals. May cause drowsiness in sleepy people. Avoid operating heavy machinery including: train locomotives, trash trucks, oil tankers and nuclear submarines. Avoid sexual activity while reading, could deflate ‘the right moment’.

Boulder County Potty Poopers – Boulder County and City of Longmont officials approve a new program allowing all restrooms to be used by any gender: male, female or fill in the blank. Females using the former “male” restrooms can enroll in a county funded yoga class to help them get in “position” to use the male urinals. Males using the former “female” restrooms can enroll in a county funded hypnosis class to help them subconsciously remember to put the toilet seat down. Gives new meaning to “gender fluid.”

Amazon Replaces RTD Not So Prime Service – Prompted by an overture from a forward-looking Longmont City government, the online giant negotiates replacing RTD’s ”phantom” rail line to Denver with their high capacity “drone” carriers by 2025. RTD proposes a new study to confirm their train commitment could be moved from 2040 to 2039.

An Open Space Odyssey – Boulder County purchases an artificial intelligence system called the “GAL9000 similar to the HAL9000 system from “2001-A Space Odyssey,” to take input from the three Commissioners on all County decisions and produce a single opinion and vote result. The GAL9000 has a breakdown and starts singing “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” when one of the commissioners enters a differing opinion and vote from the other two.

Developers in the Dog House – The City of Longmont defers to local prairie dog activists and makes a change to the staff drafted prairie dog ordinance, to be finalized in January. The change mandates; if developers cannot relocate any number of prairie dogs on a minor (<25) or major (>25) permit, then developers are to provide “tiny homes” onsite for each prairie dog family constructed with reclaimed building materials and stand-a-lone solar cells. The total square footage of the tiny homes could be considered into the 12% Affordable Housing ordinance requirement if the prairie dogs can show they are at 80% or less of the area median income.

Thought Police – Boulder County, local cities, and school boards agree to change the following words/terms in any future correspondence to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings:

Old                                                                  New

Meter Reader                                                Onsite Electrical/Water Gauge Decipherer

Building Svcs. Maintenance Foreman     Building Svcs. Maintenance Foreperson

Chief Building Official                                 Primary Building Official

Animal Control Department                        Animal Persuasion Department

Valedictorian                                                Scholastically Advantaged Person(s)

Won                                                                Awarded more points, runs or goals.

Lost                                                                 Awarded less points, runs or goals with good effort.

Athletes                                                         Participants in Sports Activities

Remember; 2018 ain’t over till the metabolic overachieving cisgender female issues amplified vocal intonations. Happy New Year!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

“Buy the ticket, take the ride …”

– Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

I took the annual March pilgrimage to the Pac-12 Basketball Tournament in Las Vegas with “Allen and the Chip-hunks.” During downtime when not watching the tournament we considered relaxing with a book, touring the Neon Light or Apocalypse Zombie museums or maybe taking a tour of the Hoover Dam. Instead we heard Las Vegas also offers certain games of chance commonly called gambling. This activity consists of many different table, machine and sports betting games like poker, blackjack, craps, roulette and slot machines. We tried some of these games because the colorful tables and lights seem to entice you to play, like the “Sirens” in Greek mythology that lured nearby sailors with their enchanting music and singing voices to shipwreck on the rocky coast of their island. These games have a unique terminology and slang, for instance:

Ante: Usually in poker, meaning the first bet made on a hand before you receive your cards.

Blackjack: A two-card total of 21 consisting of an ace and a 10 or face card.

Come-out: The first roll of the dice in craps that establishes the point.

High Roller: A player who makes extremely large wagers.

Pigeon: A new, naive or unsophisticated gambler.

Based on careful observation, when I wasn’t feeding a slot machine like a sugar addict at a defective vending machine, I’ve come up with a few of my own gambling terms:

Ringo-ing: Beatles reference. In sports betting when 4 participants pool their money to make individual game winner picks called a 4 team parlay. 3 of the 4 pick winners, but one has a loser that blows up the parley.

Voyageritis: In the game of craps, a proper throw lands against the far wall and remains on the craps table. When an amped up thrower chucks any of the dice off the table, this shall now be called a case of “Voyageritis” in honor of the NASA Voyager 1 space probe launched in 1977 that left our solar system in 2013.

Sparrowing: Bettors assembled like baby sparrows waiting for mother to return to the nest with food, instead they are waiting for the days betting sheets at the sports book that list odds and the betting lines (point spreads, total points scored/over or under, etc.

Robo-Dealer: An emotionless blackjack dealer having no interaction with players at their table, in dire need of a charisma transplant. Makes Dr. Spock on “Star Trek” and Arnold Schwarzenegger in the “Terminator” look like “Welcome Wagon” representatives.

U.N. Droning: people standing around tables observing others gambling, but don’t jump in to play.

ATM Two Step: having lost money that was budgeted to gambling, a moral dilemma ensues, pull more out of the ATM because you figure you’re due to win or take your losses and become a U.N. Drone.

Well gotta go, I’ll leave you with this gambling joke: Mr. Guy is walking down the street and sits on a bench. He notices another person with no body perched on the end of the bench. Mr. Guy asks, “what happened to you?” Mr. No Body says, “I sold my body parts to fund my gambling addiction.” Mr. Guy says, “maybe you should quit while you’re a head.”

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Call it guilt over my; white, male, blue eyes, over 6′ tall, baby boomer, semi-literate privilege that’s causing me to present my predictions in a kinder, gentler, more PC vein this year.

Sanctuary City Proclamation: Emboldened by their election gains, the City Council and Mayor decide to proclaim that Longmont is a sanctuary city for people who entered the US while forgetting or misplacing the unreasonably required documentation. In addition Longmont also welcomes any real aliens from outside our planet to relocate here without any fear of scrutiny or reprisal. Press 1 for English, 2 for Spanish, 3 for Vulcan and 4 for Klingon…..

100% Renewable: Since we’ll have abundant 100% renewable energy without an appreciable pricing increase by 2030 as proclaimed by our Mayor and Sustainable Renewable Longmont, renewable energy won’t be the only renewable possibility to be addressed. We already have composting and in 2018 we’ll see renewable requirements on appliances and clothes. Say your 1990 Sears Kenmore washer craps out. Before you can dispose of it, you’ll have to submit a CRIP (county renewable impact commission) form to determine if a replacement part could keep your machine working. Also say you’ve got a flannel shirt from the early 1990’s Grunge period or an Angel Flight suit from the Disco period and you want to donate it to Goodwill. The’ll also require you to itemize clothes you’re donating and submit a CRIP indicating why you can’t keep them. If it’s determined they are in good condition, you have your Kurt Cobain Nirvana flannel for eternity and will need to lose a ton to fit into your Saturday Night Fever Tony Manero Angel Flight suit.

RTD Provides Train Service: The long awaited train service promised by RTD becomes a reality when they partner with Burlington Northern Santa Fe railroad to begin transporting commuters from Longmont to Boulder to Denver via their coal cars. These cars become available when environmental factions succeed in getting coal outlawed. Cars will be open aired with bench type seating. No USB plug-ins will be available, but paper face masks and Handi Wipes will be provided for a nominal fee to protect against coal residue.

Village at the Peaks Stores: Having an assortment of eating establishments, except for Tongan or Croatian themed, the powers that be attempt to appease the proletariate by attracting a new clothing store called “Roll with It.” They’ll specialize in non shaming clothing that drapes their owners in loose fitting garb hiding any so called body imperfections, like rhino thighs, elephant rear, pudding house gut, bingo wings or Shar Pei cheek tissue. Their clothes are all black with a sack like structure that you can cinch up or release as your body composition fluctuates. They’ll also offer gender neutral capri golf pants (formerly marketed to females), guaranteed to get your foursome buddies talking.

Boulder Merger: Both city governments will pursue Longmont incorporating into Boulder. Because Longmont was named after Major Stephen Long whose exploration of our area in the early 1800’s led to white settlement at the expense of Indigenous people, the City name will be changed to “Pebble,” then Boulder and Pebble can successfully merge. Businesses will be given 2 years to remove any Longmont name, signage etc and the Longmont High School Trojans will be required to change their name to the Pebble High School Water Ripples. Well gotta go! I would like to apologize up front to anyone that might be offended, uncomfortable, shamed or caused to seek shelter in a clothes hamper with their binky, due to this article. Happy New Year!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Dear Jimmie –

I’m madder than a fracking protestor getting their car’s oil changed at a quick lube! I’ve been a loyal NFL fan for years and put up with the copious commercials, player inane celebrations after successfully tying their shoes and the penalties for hard hits. I’m done now and won’t watch another game because of the National Anthem protests. I will have many hours available for other pursuits. I’d like your suggestions on some things I could “take up” to occupy my time.

“Flipping Off the NFL”

Dear “Flipping” –

I commiserate with your Pro football divorce. I could suggest the usual pastimes, like woodworking, fly fishing, golf, painting or gardening. But why follow the herd by taking up these leisure activities? How about breaking the mold and pursuing something original and avant garde? Here are a few suggestions:

Learn Latin – Like the rest of us, you probably know a few Latin phrases like, Carpe Diem (seize the day), Semper Fidelis (always faithful) or E Pluribus Unum (out of many, one). You could join a select group of people who speak Latin, including the Pope (although he has a slight Marxist accent). Impress your family and friends when you unleash this line, “transiet in turcia” (pass the turkey) at Thanksgiving. Favorite Roman joke: Q – How did the Roman Empire get split in half? A – With a pair of Caesars.

Texting Tattletale – How many times have you been at a stop light, it turns green and the driver in front of you is texting? You honk and yell, “it doesn’t get any greener or that’s the only shade of green they offer or something more X-Rated.” Here’s your chance to provide a public service by becoming Longmont’s “Texting Tattletale.” Outfit your car or truck with special flashing lights, megaphone blasting microphone and decals announcing you’re Mr. TT. (Can probably pay for this with a “GoFundMe” page.) Patrol our streets and when you find a texting driver, turn on the lights, announce to the offender the error of their ways and that you’ve taken a picture of their license plate. Send them off with “now go and text no more”. Keep a record and let any repeat offenders know their license plate # is being provided to Longmont’s finest.

Marijuana Critic – We have movie, restaurant and wine critics. You could establish your niche as a marijuana critic. Visit front range “grass shacks,” sample their goods, then write your critique and ratings. You could produce an online site and call it, “This Bud’s Fer U” or “Dube Scooby.” I suggest you pace yourself on smoking and edible sampling activities or the Front Range could experience a severe shortage of Doritos Tortilla Chips.

Prairie Dog Village Mayor – You know this idea will resurface again and when it does, you could volunteer to be the Mayor of “Burrowville.” Some of your responsibilities might be: keeping snow cleared in between burrows in the winter, lobbying for a jogging trail and PD accessible drinking fountain or push for an annual PD music festival in the village with Three Dog Night, Sick Puppies and Snoop Dog headlining. Your constituents wouldn’t complain, send you down a “rat hole” at village meetings or torch you on the TC Line. If you need feedback from them, you could enlist the City CouncilWoman who floated this idea as an interpreter.

Jimmie St. Vrain claims to be Johnnie St. Vrain’s wiseguy brother and Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.