“The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.”                                                                          Anonymous

My how time flies, and it’s usually in “coach.” Seems like it’s only been 12 months or maybe a year since I did the 2016 Predictions. So many things could happen next year, I’ve narrowed it down to a few I think will happen, using similar computer modeling/polling techniques that experts used to predict the recent presidential election.

GMO’s On BC Open Space – The Apparat-chicks (Boulder County Commissioners) crafted a phase out plan of GMO crops over the next few years because they know, for instance, anyone eating GMO corn chowder at Aunt Tilly’s could have a coughing spell and a bald, salamander like creature explodes out of their chest, like in the movie “Alien.” This could be embarrassing for that person and hurtful to Aunt Tilly when the guests then decline to eat her apple pie, worried it’s sweetened from GMO sugar beets. Next year, the Apparat-chicks will also require farmer/clients forego the use of fossil powered machinery and substitute with implements pulled by cattle, oxen or horses to reduce carbon emissions. Because beasts of burden have a habit of releasing methane into the atmosphere, farmers will also be required to attach a posterior limiting odor preventer (PLOP) on each animal and have them registered and stamped with emission stickers.

Village at the Peaks Additions – Speaking of emissions or omissions, who needs Macy’s or Nordstroms? I predict the mall stewards, New Mark Merrill, piggybacking on the highly popular presidential candidates will court and land a hybrid high end clothing retailer specializing in pant suits and toupees called “Pant and Pate.” They’ll also add an additional food court entity called “What a Waste Green” that will collect uneaten fast food around Longmont each night and blend with kale to produce a tasty shake for purchase the following day, thus jumping on the cities “sustainability” band wagon.

City Golf Courses – With millions needed to upgrade aging city golf course infrastructure, declining participation and too many courses, the City Council and Mayor decide to remove 50% of the grass from the fairways on all city courses and replace it with prairie dog colonies. Golfers will be required to use biodegradable balls made of non-GMO plant material and any golfer striking a prairie dog with their shot or saying non-respectful things to them like “you’re just a greasy little rodent at the bottom of the food chain,” will be subjected to a $100 dollar fine and be required to attend restorative justice sessions on animal cruelty for 90 days. Golf Course Rangers will be monitoring and wearing hats that say, “Prairie Dog Pal.”

Curbside Composting – The city begins voluntary curbside compost pick-up next year with the “Loco for Composting” slogan which might evolve into “Hold Nose for Composting” when carts are steaming in the summer sun. As a helpful reminder, your compost cart can contain the following items: meat & bones (except any prehistoric type remains discovered when digging underneath your garden gnome), leftovers (except any GMO based food and candy corn, which has a shelf life of 1,000 years), paper towels (should use first before discarding), shredded paper (except any documents labeled US Government “Confidential”), yard waste (except the trampoline your kids no longer use), and facial tissues (as opposed to other bodily tissues, please consult your physician if unsure). Well gotta go, be careful around that GMO, HoHoH

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado.        He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Dear Jimmie – I read that the Longmont City Council voted 5-2 to allow Cimarron Hospitality to build a Hilton hotel near the wastewater treatment plant on Martin Street. I’m sorry, when I think of raw sewage or stinky smells I get embarrassed, my gag reflex kicks in and I almost throw up. I value your opinion and wonder what you think of this “achh,” issue.

Pukey in Prospect

Dear Pip, no need to be sorry. I get the same nauseous feeling when I think of career politicians. The city has restricted uses such as hotels near the plant with concerns that occasional odors might bother customers. Cimarron representatives said they could seal the proposed Hilton hotel and filter out any malicious smells. City planning staff didn’t recommend council approve the hotel. Boulder County already rolled out an “Environmental Sustainability” Plan with the goal of “Zero Waste or Darn Near.” Longmont is working on our plan. I believe the City and all Longmonters should get behind the slick operational and marketing opportunities this partnership with Hilton would provide as a way to demonstrate our commitment to our plan. Here’s some ideas I came up with via process of elimination:

– I suggest the name “Hilton Hotel Longmont by Flushing Butte.” (Flushing Meadow in NY is already taken)

– The hotel should offer communal showers with 5 minute limit timers, lukewarm water settings, one (1) towel rotated among 5 guests and toilet paper rationed to 8 squares per person at check in.

– All of it’s flower beds could be advertised as fertilized with processed solid sludge from the plant and guests entered each month in a drawing and recognized as a “My Poop Doesn’t Stink” winner.

– Offer guided walking tours to the wastewater facility with free lunch being provided back at the hotel restaurant with a sampling of some of the following menu items: “Chinese pupu platter, lutefisk and limburger cheese.” The hotel could also offer special “wake up music” in the morning to guests, including: “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana, “That Smell” by Lynyrd Skynyrd or “Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road” by Loudon Wainwright III, just to name a few.

– An annual festival could be flushed out, we have the “Bolder Boulder” and “Turkey Trot” runs, how about the “Pot Trot” around the plant’s “Pooper Dome” starting at the hotel and tying in with a commode and marijuana theme. Include a film festival with sewage as the main meme with classics like: “Alligator (1980), CHUD (1984) and any episode of the “Honeymooners” (1950’s) since Ed Norton was a New York City sewer worker, who “just kept things moving along.”

– Just floating this idea, during the festival, how about including a urinal deodorant cake skipping contest at a plant holding pond, with unused cakes of course. (guys might have to explain the “cakes” to the ladies, unless they’ve “presented” as a male before and used a men’s restroom). Well Pip, gotta go, I mean sign off, not really “go-go.” We should all be thankful we have a wastewater treatment facility that takes care of our “untreated excreta.” Good luck with your sensitive stomach, and remember, defecation is a natural function and everyone sits on the porcelain throne to drop the kids off at the pool most every day.

Jimmie St. Vrain (Johnnie’s wiseguy brother) and Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and are products of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado. Both believe sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

“The future will be better tomorrow.”
Vice President Dan Quayle (1988-92)

In the spirit of having a better tomorrow in the future, here are my Predictions for 2016:

Airport Skydiving Noise
Mile-High Skydiving and Citizens for Quiet Skies agree to a truce after a scientific study paid for by “POOPD”, (Preserve Our Only Prairie Dogs) determines the noise coming from the twin engine Otter aircraft used by Mile-High is a close match in tone and cadence to a prairie dog mother’s soothing coos to her offspring. Citizens for Quiet Skies immediately drops their lawsuit appeal and Mile-High agrees to cover their aircraft in fake fur and paint to give them a prairie dog appearance.
Boulder County Commissioners “Inclusive Paving”
Unincorporated roads in Boulder County to get needed repairs after the Commissioners determined that tax paying citizens living in unincorporated Boulder County probably qualify to be included under the following BC commitment to being an inclusive community: “As a community, Boulder County explicitly welcomes all residents regardless of their age, race, ethnicity, country of origin, sexual preference of gender identity, ability, religion, income, political persuasion, or cultural practices.” “We came to the realization that the unincorporated citizens should be extended the same inclusive treatment as others, including Middle Eastern refugees, after we studied our inclusive community statement, said one of the Commissioners, who also added, we are still determining if our “inclusive commitment” has to be extended to Donald Trump supporters.”
Village at the Peaks Adds Winter Trolley
Based on customer concerns, NewMark Merrill, along with the newest retail clothing outlet, “Frack-No Frocks,” have decided to add a winter trolley with heated seats designed to shuttle customers from one store to another during the cold winter months. The service will be free with stops at all “open” retail outlets. A contest will be held to name the shuttle, with the winner getting a gift certificate to “Half Foods” if/when they open. Here’s a couple of my name ideas: “Bunsen Burner” and “Hot Pants Express.”
RTD Delivers on NW Rail Line – Sort Of
In a remarkable about face, RTD takes full responsibility for making empty promises and using Boulder County taxpayer contributions to complete Denver Metro Light Rail projects. With that confession, they have come up with a new NW Rail Line solution. Since using the existing Warren Buffet owned Burlington Northern Santa Fe railroad lines are price prohibitive and his freight business is booming, including oil tanker shipments, RTD is proposing the following by 2018: adding a “train only” lane to the Diagonal/119 Hwy from Longmont to Boulder, painting rail tracks on the lane and using a “train like” efficient fuel vehicle that could carry hundreds of passengers per trip. Each vehicle would be equipped with a vintage train whistle and helpful conductors to assist passengers with questions. Asked about the rest of the NW route from Boulder to Denver, an RTD spokesman indicated a $50,000 study might be needed. Well, gotta go! Happy New Year!

Fashion, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.
Ambrose Bierce – The Devil’s Dictionary

Dear Jimmie –
I’m angry as a wet hornet over the new “Village at Bare Cheeks” Mall where you can go have dinner, a movie and triple bypass with what they’re offering! Dillards is drummed out of town and now our clothing options are limited to the finest runway fashions from China, Vietnam and Bangladesh. Is it asking too much to have a decent clothes retailer here in town? I know “clothes don’t make the man,” but my wife “wears the pants in the family.”
“Pressed and Creased in Old Town”
Dear “Pressed and Creased” –
I commiserate with your sartorial angst and shrinkage from not wielding the matrimonial “heavy starch.” I’d like to see the City and Developer bring in a “Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory” to the mall, but they don’t pick the tenants. Your letter caused me to reminisce back to childhood when my brother Johnnie and I were dressed in the same clothes. Not one outfit at the same time, but 2 sets of the……you know what I meant. At the time we didn’t care, no big deal, but reaching puberty (late) we thought, “there has got to be different patterns and colors” in this town, but I digress. What if we are left “exposed” and no upscale clothing store is added to the mall? I have the following suggestions:
*“Pitter-Pattern:” There are many fabric and online stores like McCalls that still offer thousands of sewing patters for you to make your own clothes. Since women have the sewing gene, I think it only fair for them to pick up the bobbin and make some upgraded “Leisure Suits” with white piping for their mates.
*“Croc-a-Style:” The footwear is everywhere and soooo convenient. Get dirty, spray off with water. Couldn’t this be expanded to shorts, shirts and underwear? Might be a tad hot in the summer, but hey tired of the design or stretched the geo-physical limits of the item, then just toss in the recycle bin.
*”Don’t Trend on Me:” Now’s your chance to break away from the other fashion lemmings and go with your own special look. It’s ok to bring back those leather and parachute pants. Still have flannel shirts, wear-em, I hear women like the outdoorsy lumberjack look (leave the ax at home). There are online stores that specialize in cowboy, construction worker, motorcycle and military type outfits. Just think, you’ll be the hit of the party if they play “YMCA by the Village People.”
*”Face-kini:” Here’s a clothing item not available at any upscale store in the area. You could import these or make your own and start a new trend! Seems the Chinese have perfected covering up data hacking. Now add another Chinese “cover up” item called the “Face-kini.” Think of brightly colored ski masks with eye, nose and mouth holes cut out worn by water lovers to provide an alternative to sunblock. Also offers protection from bugs, trash blowing off sewage barges (more of a Chinese problem) and human pests you’d like to avoid. Well Gotta Go! Working on an idea to take to the “Tinkermill Makerspace” in town. Don’t tell anyone, but my idea is to create sunglasses that filter out speedo wearing males exceeding the garments “PSI” rating. Going to call them, “NEBS” (No eyesore by seashore).

Jimmie St. Vrain (Johnnie’s wiseguy brother) and Kris Harris moved here in 1960
and are products of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado. Both believe sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Comrades, your community requires you to give up the capitalistic wasteful lives you’ve been living for the glorious ways deemed correct by the more socially conscious and enlightened among us.  A vote in November for the City Compost Plan is just a formality to placate the bourgeois. When passed, I believe the current City Plan should be “scrapped” and replaced by my “CCCP” plan. The strength of the people depend on our correct implementation of this important program, it would be a shame to “waste” this opportunity to indoctrinate the masses who are so ignorant of proper Environmental Theology. Details of my “CCCP” 5-Year Plan:

1 – All Longmont households will be issued 1 – Outdoor compost tumbler bin with “CCCP” lettering and the “Vegetable Peeler and Rake” emblem. Multi-Family and or Apartment dwellers will be issued 5 Gal buckets and paper nose masks.

2 – Each bin and bucket will have a remote camera, interior weight and motion sensors discarded by the NSA, to be monitored by the City of Longmont.

3 – Every week on Monday, odd numbered and Tuesday, even numbered addresses will be required to have filled their tumbler bins with compostable material and rotated them one complete turn (or 360 degrees for you former STEM students). Multi-family and or Apartment dwellers are required to drop their household compostables at the Recycle Center on a weekly basis, meeting average volume amounts or see item #6.

4 – Everyone will be issued the smaller sized trash containers with alarm sensors detecting any yard waste or table scraps being trashed instead of going into the compost tumbler bins or 5 gal buckets.

5 – Any excess yard waste will still be allowed to be taken to the current Recycle Center, providing you have a waiver obtained from the new City Recycle Administrator Panel (CRAP).

6 – “Enemies of the City” not complying with these rules will be sent to re-education camps at the Recycle Center and be required to attend future City Council Meetings dealing with “Fracking,” to serve out their “Community Service” punishment.

7 – The expectation is that everyone will participate in producing rich, nutrient dense compost, 50% for their use and 50% for the City, who will pick up their share on Wednesdays, odd numbered and Thursday, even numbered addresses, except if one of these days falls during a leap year, go to the City website to see instructions when that occurs. Those not providing their 50% tithe to the City….see item #6.

8 – Because the Motherland  City will be able to monitor and measure citizens participation and output of compost, those who most glorify the program and are the top 50 participants and producers will be honored each year as “Compostnauts.”

9 – Each May a Parade will be held down Main Street with the “Compostnauts” marching in formation accompanied by their tumbler bins, passing by the City Officials and CRAP overlooking from a reviewing stand.

10 – An anthem will be “decomposed” to honor these sons and daughters of communal conformity with the first stanza being: “An Unbeatable Group of Compostnauts, Great Longmont has melded forever to stand, Created in struggle by the correct stewards, The united, the mighty be glorified our motherland, compostable be we,” or something to that effect, need Jay-Z or Eminem to polish it up. Well gotta go before the compost hits the fan. My little “babushka” just let me know the “ornamental grass” needs trimming (thought that was what was hanging from Pot Shop Christmas trees?) “Do svidaniya!”