On the Watergate Scandal: “There can be no whitewash at the White House.”

Richard Nixon

The Times-Call reported according to Councilman Brian Bagley, an investigation into alleged harassment of Councilwomen by Councilmen is “absolutely” related to a heated exchange in an open council meeting on June 27. The City has hired a Denver-based law firm to conduct an inquiry into the allegations. Other City officials wouldn’t comment due to confidentiality of the investigation.

I got the call at 9:30pm a couple nights ago. The caller knew I wrote occasionally and said he had secret information on the current City Council scandal he wanted me to share. Said we needed to meet the next night at 10:00pm at the Boulder County Fairgrounds barns, then he ended the call. The next night I parked my car and walked towards the barns. After a few more steps I heard, “look over here.” I saw the glow of a cigarette in the corner of the barn. I moved over to the figure and said, “why all the precautions and what should I call you?” “Big trouble if I’m caught sharing this information, and you can call me “Large Larynx,” he said. “Large Larynx?” I said. “Yeah, kind of a takeoff from Watergate, remember “Deep Throat?”

Harris: What do you have that wasn’t reported in the Times-Call article?

Large Larynx: To summarize, a Councilwoman met with residents in May who didn’t want to see a development pass the council. One resident emailed a summary of the meeting to a Councilman where the resident thought the Councilwoman had disparaged the City Council and city staff and offered suggestions on ways to delay the development. The Councilwoman denied the accusations, but had communicated with the residents via personal email (a no-no). Another Councilman and the Times-Call requested copies of the emails be provided under the Open Records Act, but the Councilwoman’s personal emails stored on an external hard drive had crashed. Subsequent heated discussions resulted in someone making alleged complaint of harassment of Councilwomen by Councilmen.

Harris: So the Councilwoman’s hard drive crashed. Did it take her car for a spin and was distracted by the motherboard?

Large Larynx: Maybe I’m sharing with the wrong person. What really happened was the Councilwoman was dusting her computer and hard drive with a cloth or something when she accidentally knocked it off the desk onto the floor. Breaking the hard drive and losing the emails stored on it.

Harris: What was said in discussions that caused the alleged harassment investigation to be opened?

Large Larynx: I heard that a Councilman was overheard saying he had just purchased a racy new Ford Mustang and that baby was hot and she screamed down the highway. Another Councilman had complimented a Councilwoman on her new outfit after holding a door open for her and addressing her as ma’am. Also did you know the Councilwomen have separate restrooms from the Councilmen?

Harris: How high up does this go in the City?

Large Larynx: Up to the Mayor. None of the recordings of these conversations are available.

Harris: So the Mayor’s office had recordings but now they’re missing?

Large Larynx: No the Mayor never records conversations, but shouldn’t he have?

Harris: Anything else I should know? What happens if you get caught?

Large Larynx: That’s all for now. If caught, I lose my free City Golf Course pass!

Harris: The Large Larynx’s revelations seem hard to swallow. We’ll see…….

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Cue: “Theme from Dragnet”

This is the city, Longmont Colorado, population around 90,000. Once a sleepy little agricultural community, it has evolved into a vibrant city on the move. You can find most anything to eat, drink or smoke and don’t worry about wearing the latest fashions, people in Longmont don’t obsess on shopping for clothes. Most Longmonters work hard and only expect a fair shake in return. They are a generous people willing to help others in need and are a trusting lot until they’ve been flim-flammed. When that happens, I go to work, I wear a badge. It was Wednesday April 12^th. It was warm in Longmont. We were working the day watch out of Robbery Division on Fox Hill. My partner is Dom DeBoston, I’m Fryday, Joe Fryday. I’d received a call from numerous victims saying they had voluntarily agreed to be taxed in 2004 to pay for a train line from Longmont-Boulder-Denver to an operation called RTD (Regional Transportation District). RTD now says their cost estimates were wrong and no train is feasible until after 2040, but they still collect the tax and have used the revenue for other projects in Denver while Longmonter’s are left standing at the station. The story you are about to hear is mostly true. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.Officer DeBoston and I arranged a meeting at Denver RTD Headquarters with spokesperson Ima Fibber. We arrived at the RTD office after a short stop to allow Officer DeBoston to inspect a fire hydrant. Ms. Fibber met us at the door and led us to a conference room.

Ms. Fibber: “I hope your drive was pleasant. Does your, ahem dog, “partner” like to ride in the car?”

Fryday: “We would have preferred to take a train, but I guess that’s not happening for a while. Officer DeBoston does just fine in the car. Sometimes I let him drive when I need to fill out reports.”

Ms. Fibber: “Oh, how nice. You said on the phone, people in Longmont enlisted your help to investigate the Northwest Train Project. You also used words like racketeering and Ponzi scheme, which seem harsh and untruthful. Situations outside of our control, like Burlington Northern Railroad inflating their track usage rate and the Great Recession tied our hands. What do you want from me?”

Fryday: “Just the facts ma’am. Officer DeBoston has a favorite saying, “Don’t tinkle down my back and tell me it’s raining.” I don’t blame you, it’s the people at the top that really frost my cookies. If your excuses are valid, why didn’t you escrow the tax money you extorted from Longmont so they could look at possible private rail options instead of subsidizing your more favored Denver lines. I know why, because RTD is a bloated self-interested government monopoly, taxpayers be damned. It’s turned into a PR organization, overhyping new offerings and changing definitions to give an illusion of progress. Longmonters believed your sales pitch for a train to make their commute easier, attending a ballgame simpler or visiting a relative in Denver safer. How do you sleep at night when your actions are worse than an illegal crime syndicate? Everyone knows up-front that the syndicate is dishonest, but RTD hides behind the facade of a so-called honest government entity working for the people.

Ms. Fibber: “We’re looking to ease Longmont’s pain over this issue.”

Fryday: “How’s that?”

Ms. Fibber: “We might add them to the BRT (Bus Rapid Transit) line to Boulder then Denver. These buses have really cool new paint and USB ports!”

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

“The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.”                                                                          Anonymous

My how time flies, and it’s usually in “coach.” Seems like it’s only been 12 months or maybe a year since I did the 2016 Predictions. So many things could happen next year, I’ve narrowed it down to a few I think will happen, using similar computer modeling/polling techniques that experts used to predict the recent presidential election.

GMO’s On BC Open Space – The Apparat-chicks (Boulder County Commissioners) crafted a phase out plan of GMO crops over the next few years because they know, for instance, anyone eating GMO corn chowder at Aunt Tilly’s could have a coughing spell and a bald, salamander like creature explodes out of their chest, like in the movie “Alien.” This could be embarrassing for that person and hurtful to Aunt Tilly when the guests then decline to eat her apple pie, worried it’s sweetened from GMO sugar beets. Next year, the Apparat-chicks will also require farmer/clients forego the use of fossil powered machinery and substitute with implements pulled by cattle, oxen or horses to reduce carbon emissions. Because beasts of burden have a habit of releasing methane into the atmosphere, farmers will also be required to attach a posterior limiting odor preventer (PLOP) on each animal and have them registered and stamped with emission stickers.

Village at the Peaks Additions – Speaking of emissions or omissions, who needs Macy’s or Nordstroms? I predict the mall stewards, New Mark Merrill, piggybacking on the highly popular presidential candidates will court and land a hybrid high end clothing retailer specializing in pant suits and toupees called “Pant and Pate.” They’ll also add an additional food court entity called “What a Waste Green” that will collect uneaten fast food around Longmont each night and blend with kale to produce a tasty shake for purchase the following day, thus jumping on the cities “sustainability” band wagon.

City Golf Courses – With millions needed to upgrade aging city golf course infrastructure, declining participation and too many courses, the City Council and Mayor decide to remove 50% of the grass from the fairways on all city courses and replace it with prairie dog colonies. Golfers will be required to use biodegradable balls made of non-GMO plant material and any golfer striking a prairie dog with their shot or saying non-respectful things to them like “you’re just a greasy little rodent at the bottom of the food chain,” will be subjected to a $100 dollar fine and be required to attend restorative justice sessions on animal cruelty for 90 days. Golf Course Rangers will be monitoring and wearing hats that say, “Prairie Dog Pal.”

Curbside Composting – The city begins voluntary curbside compost pick-up next year with the “Loco for Composting” slogan which might evolve into “Hold Nose for Composting” when carts are steaming in the summer sun. As a helpful reminder, your compost cart can contain the following items: meat & bones (except any prehistoric type remains discovered when digging underneath your garden gnome), leftovers (except any GMO based food and candy corn, which has a shelf life of 1,000 years), paper towels (should use first before discarding), shredded paper (except any documents labeled US Government “Confidential”), yard waste (except the trampoline your kids no longer use), and facial tissues (as opposed to other bodily tissues, please consult your physician if unsure). Well gotta go, be careful around that GMO, HoHoH

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado.        He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

Dear Jimmie – I read that the Longmont City Council voted 5-2 to allow Cimarron Hospitality to build a Hilton hotel near the wastewater treatment plant on Martin Street. I’m sorry, when I think of raw sewage or stinky smells I get embarrassed, my gag reflex kicks in and I almost throw up. I value your opinion and wonder what you think of this “achh,” issue.

Pukey in Prospect

Dear Pip, no need to be sorry. I get the same nauseous feeling when I think of career politicians. The city has restricted uses such as hotels near the plant with concerns that occasional odors might bother customers. Cimarron representatives said they could seal the proposed Hilton hotel and filter out any malicious smells. City planning staff didn’t recommend council approve the hotel. Boulder County already rolled out an “Environmental Sustainability” Plan with the goal of “Zero Waste or Darn Near.” Longmont is working on our plan. I believe the City and all Longmonters should get behind the slick operational and marketing opportunities this partnership with Hilton would provide as a way to demonstrate our commitment to our plan. Here’s some ideas I came up with via process of elimination:

– I suggest the name “Hilton Hotel Longmont by Flushing Butte.” (Flushing Meadow in NY is already taken)

– The hotel should offer communal showers with 5 minute limit timers, lukewarm water settings, one (1) towel rotated among 5 guests and toilet paper rationed to 8 squares per person at check in.

– All of it’s flower beds could be advertised as fertilized with processed solid sludge from the plant and guests entered each month in a drawing and recognized as a “My Poop Doesn’t Stink” winner.

– Offer guided walking tours to the wastewater facility with free lunch being provided back at the hotel restaurant with a sampling of some of the following menu items: “Chinese pupu platter, lutefisk and limburger cheese.” The hotel could also offer special “wake up music” in the morning to guests, including: “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana, “That Smell” by Lynyrd Skynyrd or “Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road” by Loudon Wainwright III, just to name a few.

– An annual festival could be flushed out, we have the “Bolder Boulder” and “Turkey Trot” runs, how about the “Pot Trot” around the plant’s “Pooper Dome” starting at the hotel and tying in with a commode and marijuana theme. Include a film festival with sewage as the main meme with classics like: “Alligator (1980), CHUD (1984) and any episode of the “Honeymooners” (1950’s) since Ed Norton was a New York City sewer worker, who “just kept things moving along.”

– Just floating this idea, during the festival, how about including a urinal deodorant cake skipping contest at a plant holding pond, with unused cakes of course. (guys might have to explain the “cakes” to the ladies, unless they’ve “presented” as a male before and used a men’s restroom). Well Pip, gotta go, I mean sign off, not really “go-go.” We should all be thankful we have a wastewater treatment facility that takes care of our “untreated excreta.” Good luck with your sensitive stomach, and remember, defecation is a natural function and everyone sits on the porcelain throne to drop the kids off at the pool most every day.

Jimmie St. Vrain (Johnnie’s wiseguy brother) and Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and are products of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado. Both believe sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.

“The future will be better tomorrow.”
Vice President Dan Quayle (1988-92)

In the spirit of having a better tomorrow in the future, here are my Predictions for 2016:

Airport Skydiving Noise
Mile-High Skydiving and Citizens for Quiet Skies agree to a truce after a scientific study paid for by “POOPD”, (Preserve Our Only Prairie Dogs) determines the noise coming from the twin engine Otter aircraft used by Mile-High is a close match in tone and cadence to a prairie dog mother’s soothing coos to her offspring. Citizens for Quiet Skies immediately drops their lawsuit appeal and Mile-High agrees to cover their aircraft in fake fur and paint to give them a prairie dog appearance.
Boulder County Commissioners “Inclusive Paving”
Unincorporated roads in Boulder County to get needed repairs after the Commissioners determined that tax paying citizens living in unincorporated Boulder County probably qualify to be included under the following BC commitment to being an inclusive community: “As a community, Boulder County explicitly welcomes all residents regardless of their age, race, ethnicity, country of origin, sexual preference of gender identity, ability, religion, income, political persuasion, or cultural practices.” “We came to the realization that the unincorporated citizens should be extended the same inclusive treatment as others, including Middle Eastern refugees, after we studied our inclusive community statement, said one of the Commissioners, who also added, we are still determining if our “inclusive commitment” has to be extended to Donald Trump supporters.”
Village at the Peaks Adds Winter Trolley
Based on customer concerns, NewMark Merrill, along with the newest retail clothing outlet, “Frack-No Frocks,” have decided to add a winter trolley with heated seats designed to shuttle customers from one store to another during the cold winter months. The service will be free with stops at all “open” retail outlets. A contest will be held to name the shuttle, with the winner getting a gift certificate to “Half Foods” if/when they open. Here’s a couple of my name ideas: “Bunsen Burner” and “Hot Pants Express.”
RTD Delivers on NW Rail Line – Sort Of
In a remarkable about face, RTD takes full responsibility for making empty promises and using Boulder County taxpayer contributions to complete Denver Metro Light Rail projects. With that confession, they have come up with a new NW Rail Line solution. Since using the existing Warren Buffet owned Burlington Northern Santa Fe railroad lines are price prohibitive and his freight business is booming, including oil tanker shipments, RTD is proposing the following by 2018: adding a “train only” lane to the Diagonal/119 Hwy from Longmont to Boulder, painting rail tracks on the lane and using a “train like” efficient fuel vehicle that could carry hundreds of passengers per trip. Each vehicle would be equipped with a vintage train whistle and helpful conductors to assist passengers with questions. Asked about the rest of the NW route from Boulder to Denver, an RTD spokesman indicated a $50,000 study might be needed. Well, gotta go! Happy New Year!