As a pimply faced youth, I remember getting a weekly allowance, usually for performing some chores, mowing the lawn, washing/drying dishes or walking to the lake in Minnesota in the dead of winter to haul back a block of ice for our refrigeration needs. Boy those ice tongs were hard to hold when frostbite started to set in. Ok, Ok the last chore was my “Brian Williams” moment. Back to allowances, once you’d blown through it for the week, there was no deficit spending or borrowing from a sibling. Most of us still have to live within our means and make cuts when budgets get tight. That’s why I’ve looked forward to Senator Tom Coburn’s annual “Wastebook” that chronicles wasteful Federal Government spending. Tom retired last year and “Wastebook2014” is the last edition, unless someone else picks up the gauntlet. “Massages for Rabbits, Gambling Monkeys, Watching Grass Grow and Laughing Classes” are just a few of the studies paid for by the tax payers. But my favorite money burner was the National Science Foundation spending over $800,000 teaching 3 mountain lions how to walk/run on treadmills as part of a research project to gain more insights into their instincts. (For $8,000 and a plane ticket to Vegas, I could have told you their instincts are: 1. Awake 2. Lick all parts, even the yucky ones. 3. Relieve themselves in the woods with the bears. 4. Stalk prey quietly, make sure to be upwind. 5. Chase prey (remember this is a sprint not a marathon). 6. Capture prey and kill it. 7. Eat prey 8. Sleep 9. Repeat next day). Baseline data needed to be collected on their oxygen consumption at different activity levels. It took 8 months of training before the cats were “comfortable on the treadmill.” (I’m still not comfortable on the treadmill, my wine glass won’t balance). With an $18 trillion dollar deficit hanging over the heads of future generations, was this study, paid for with money that doesn’t exist, critical? Wouldn’t providing Kale flavored ice cream to public school children have been a better use of funds? I’m so glad that the cats were “comfortable on the treadmill” after only 8 months. You can bet their friends and relatives aren’t as glad, especially with the 3 cats post study demanding “Fit-Bits” and “Heart Monitors.” Hunting just got a little more complicated, they can only chase prey while within the “aerobic zone,” 80% of their max heart rate. Where was PETA when this study was conducted? I would have figured some Hollywood Starlets would have volunteered to take the place of the cats on the treadmills wearing bracelets that said, “Wild Cats, Not Gym Rats,” or Michael Moore (nope too easy, wouldn’t be prudent, trying to keep this piece “light-hearted”). What’s next? Studies to teach prairie dogs yoga? “Ok class, let’s start off with the “downward facing dog pose,” followed by the “holy crap, there’s the gas exterminator pose.” And don’t think rabbits won’t take notice and demand equal attention (this isn’t so hare-brained). I can see a study to teach rabbits how to “Bench Press.” They’ll demand torn tank tops, way too tight shorts, enough gold bling to have made Francisco Pizarro envious and demand a spot on the new sitcom, “New Jersey Wooley.” “Yo bro, Mr Bear, how about a spot while I go for my max!” Well gotta go, I’ve noticed my Boston Terrier Domino has an amazing ability to stand on his back legs, wonder if I could apply for a Federal Grant to teach him “Zumba!”
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Movies seemed easier to follow back in my youth (yes they were in color and had sound). I remember walking 3 miles uphill thru blizzards to the old “Trojan” Theatre on Main to catch the latest “flick.” Most were original works, not sequel, prequel, interquel, midquel or sidequel and very few remakes. Today, seems the “unique story” well has dried up, what with 29 Godzilla sequels, 12 Friday the 13th sequel/prequels, Star Wars and Rocky with 6 or more, just to name a few. Over the past few years, I’ve thrown out some “Predictions” for the New Year and was mistakenly using a snow globe instead of a crystal ball to look into the future….sorry for the “snow job.” This year, in honor of all the pending film awards shows like the Academy Awards, Golden Globes, Screen Actors Guild and lesser known Severance, CO Film “Cuts and Nuts Festival,” the following are my movie “Nyquels” (non-actors placed into movie sequels. Do not drive, operate machinery, or do anything else that could be dangerous immediately after you read these mind droppings) I’d like to see on the big screen in 2015.
Misery II – Writer Paul (Democratic Party), puts it in the ditch again and his biggest fan Annie (Hillary Clinton) takes him to her cabin to have him all to herself. Instead of “hobbling” him this time, she makes him read her already prepared 2016 Presidential Acceptance Speech. Paul thinks “Hobbling” doesn’t seem so painful now.
The Three Stooges: Lyon, Sachs & Doodee PR Firm – the boys, Moe (John Boehner), Larry (Mitch McConnell) and Curly (Jonathan Gruber) open a Public Relations Firm teaching others how to learn their “Doodee” method of interacting, including: 1. Feigned Respect for the Public 2. Feigned Outrage 3. Feigned Taking Action 4. Feigned We Tried 5. Feigned Contriteness.
Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights 2 – Katey (Barack Obama) returns to a kinder gentler Cuba to find Javier (Raul Castro) so they can win another dance contest together. Naturally Javier leads.
You’ve got Mail: Ballot Bother– Kathleen (Boulder County Clerk Hillary Hall) corresponds with a mystery man via the internet Joe (CO State Treasurer Scott Gessler) whom she adores online, but despises in person, because his office always makes a big deal about the uncertified Boulder County election results. Kathleen decides Joe will take her to dinner at the Flagstaff House, even if the Canvass Board votes against certifying this action.
The Sting: Road Con – Henry, Johnny and JJ (Boulder County Commissars) divert millions from road repair and maintenance over to new County Building construction and Open Space purchases. When confronted with this travesty they employee the “Doodee” method.
Gone With the Wind: Carpetbaggers – Scarlett (Longmont citizens) find themselves at the mercy of the Denver Carpetbaggers (RTD) who continue to suck up local taxes to benefit Denver RTD Projects including “Light Rail.” Rail has been “sidetracked” here. The movie ends with Scarlett looking West down 1st and Main where a train station was planned. As the sun sets she utters these famous words again, “After all, tomorrow is another day!”
Well gotta go. These Nyquels might never get made unless North Korea takes an interest, so enjoy the next sequel of “Rambo vs the Syrian Regular Army,” sponsored by “Metamucil.”
“If you drive a car, I’ll tax the street, If you try to sit, I’ll tax your seat, If you get too cold, I’ll tax the heat, If you take a walk, I’ll tax your feet, Taxman! Cos I’m the taxman, yeah I’m the taxman.
The Beatles – Revolver Album 1966
Dear Jimmie: I decided to track my tax burden, including: Fed/State Income, Social Security, Medicare, Property, Sales, Fed/State Gasoline and about a dozen other taxes and or fees. Was close to 40% of my gross income in taxes! And now “Blunder” County (Boulder) wants to pile on with more “trust us” tax proposals this year. My wife thinks I’m coming “unhinged,” said I could develop an ulcer or a stress induced “witch.” Think she said “twitch” but my head was submerged in the top of our Margarita machine at the time. They can’t even manage the tax money they have now, how can we stop this train? I want to get off. Loose Hinges in Old Town
Dear Hinges: Tsk…Tsk…How can you be so selfish and ungrateful for the continued care and guidance provided by our elected representatives? These public servants only have our best interests at heart and the individual is so passe, now you have to think about the collective. Contributing more of your wages in taxes relieves you of the stress of deciding where it should be spent. And..litigation isn’t cheap either what with the Rocky Mtn. Church, Unincorporated Road and Fracking suits taking up valuable time of our caretakers. I think we’ve just scratched the surface on creative ways to make sure everyone is paying their fairer share of taxes. Here are additional tax revenue streams I think should be considered.
-Longmont City Council Meeting Frequent Cryer Program Tax. Anyone attending more than 30 sessions and or stepping to the microphone to pontificate more than 15 times annually owes the City a quarter so they can call someone who cares.
-Anti-Fracking Renewable Energy Tax. Used to purchase thousands of cows and place them on our County Open Space, each with a methane gas capturing hose attached to their posteriors to corral their methane, when they, uh you know contribute it to the atmosphere.
-Virtual Mall at Village at the Peaks Tax. Jonezing for the shopping we won’t have at the new mall? This tax will pay for retailers like Macy’s, Nordstroms, Old Navy and Apple Stores to set up tents and sell at certain times during the year in the ample parking lot of the Village at the “Twin Peaks” Mall.
-Multicultural Celebration Inclusion Tax. We have St Patrick’s Day for Irish, Octoberfest for Germans, Cinco De Mayo and Day of the Dead for Mexicans. How about rotating in one new group celebration each year like the Bulgarians, Croats, Maori, Samoans, Navajo and the Canadians, who’ve been left out in the cold?
-You Can Keep Your Northwest Route Train This time, Period, Tax (RTD).
-Trip to Oz Tax. Funding for the 3 County Commissars to get “Independent” thought cerebrums.
-Open Space to “Space” Tax. Extends from just above ground level to outside the earth’s atmosphere, expect the County Commissar’s to overpay.
-Prairie Dog Overpass on the Boulder Diagonal Tax. They’ve left their cars at home, just like the cyclists.
Well gotta go, my wife just came up with her own tax idea for me, it’s called “Husband A Tax Messy Garage!
Jimmie St. Vrain claims to be Johnnie St. Vrain’s wiseguy brother.
(Dedicated to “Parnac” and the Sultans of Swing)
For eons, mankind has competed in games of skill, when not being eaten by a sabre tooth tiger or womankind demanding they find a new decorative rock to go next to the cave entrance. Early Altoidazoic era cave paintings show a figure, let’s call him Eg, throwing what looks like a long club into a body of water. Another figure, Nawg, is holding his club above his head standing on one leg. Appears to be an early representation of golf and Eg has evidently lost his wife to Nawg in a prehistoric wager. At least Eg was off the hook on finding the decorative rock. Want to boil the human condition down to its basic elements, easily viewable? Then get thee to a golf course. Shakespeare wrote, “All the World’s a Stage.” If he would have been a golfer with a banana slice, he would have said, “All the 1st Tee Boxes are a Stage, press on Will, pray don’t shank thee!”
Meaning of Life – You’ve taken lessons, used grip and swing aids, yet you’re laser darts on the practice range turn into “spray not stream settings” on the golf course. The harder you work to hone your mechanics, the worse your handicap and enjoyment gets. You scream, “why am I here, what’s my purpose?” The others in your foursome look supportive, then burst out laughing and chime in, “your purpose meat, is to entertain us and continue to grow our drink fund with your stellar play.” Golf, like life is not fair, but allows free will. “To lay up or not to lay up, that is the question – Whether ‘tis Nobler to suffer the fairway sand or the lake and out of bounds surrounding the green on the Par 5.”
Search for Gratification – Golf, like life is not always about individual rewards, there is satisfaction in rewarding others. We want to make a difference, contribute. “But….Alas poor Jim! I knew him; a guy with a sense of humor, very patient; until I let him down as a partner in our match plays; he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now sneers, “win a hole or pay for my chiropractor, cause I’ve been carrying an extra 220 lbs. around all year!”
Sense of Curiosity – You play in a foursome with one of the “SDs.” Rare beings that carry a single digit handicap or lower, who venture down from “Mount Olympus,” to play with mere mortals occasionally. Their putts run to the hole like prairie dogs scurrying to their burrows. You wonder, what makes this skill possible? Is it the putter they’re using? You notice it’s the latest “Scotty Cameron” putter. “A Cameron, a Cameron, my kingdom for a Cameron!” You get your “Cameron,” and discover, it’s not the putting tool, it’s the tool putting it.
Awareness of the Inescapability of Death – You need to keep hydrated on the golf course during the summer. After water, beer for sure, you’ll need to visit, “the facilities.” Your mind is “Spock-like” focused on the back 9, you shoot your best round. You walk triumphantly up to the patio to join your wife and others for a drink, to share your proud moment. The tables are full. You’re halfway to her table and, that’s weird, the conversations stop. You look around and one of your supportive buddies says, “Hey, Sailor Neds trying to take a little shore leave,” pointing at your “Midshipman.” (fly zipper) Oh death where is thy sting? A man can die but once, embarrassment lives on. Well gotta go. “Parting is such sweet sorrow. Yonder lawn beckons me to hew its excess greenery. Was that driver the SD was swinging, Ping or Taylor Made?”
“When written in Chinese, the word ‘crisis’ is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.”
John F. Kennedy
Hard to ignore any of the recent articles being published regarding the pox that is fracking. It’s “purported” negative assault on air, land and water has convinced me that this process has to be the most damaging and invasive environmental ‘crisis’ we as the race called “human” have ever faced. Yes, even worse than the global catastrophic famines predicted in the 1970’s, Y2K in 2000, and the current global climate “not cooperating with scientist’s computer models” crisis. As a public service, I’d like to show how the following maladies are also as a direct result of hydraulic fracking:
Halitosis (Bad Breath) – No secret that your toothbrush (made of plastic) is a petroleum by-product as are many popular toothpastes and mouthwashes. Petroleum is used in the blue color dyes to give the appearance of being ‘minty fresh’ as advertised and in certain sweeteners to enhance the taste. If you are a true anti-fracking disciple, you’ll forgo these evil conveniences derived from fracking and migrate to other types of oral hygiene tools similar to what folks in other parts of the world use, such as twigs or fingers for a toothbrush and brick, charcoal, mud, salt or ash as a toothpaste substitute. Remember brush twice daily…
Petro Phobia Distemper – Symptoms include foaming at the mouth, compulsion to make protest signs and spew venomous invective and spittle in public spaces and meetings. Can be cured after the victim does a petroleum cleanse and eschews all transportation, heating-cooling, power, electrical devices, clothes and other products connected to the petroleum industry, then discovers “hemp” underwear is uncomfortable and itchy, leading them back to a more balanced view of fracking.
Frackenstein Phobia – A fairly recent phobia, its sufferers have developed an intense fear of burly oil field workers toiling at their well sites all day and night then going into town to relax with a beer or two. But it never is just a few beers, is it? They over-imbibe and decide to go on a monstrous destructive rampage, targeting any vehicle that is deemed environmentally friendly or anti-fracking…think Honda, Subaru, Volvo, Prius or (gasp) any electric vehicle. Folks stricken with this phobia have purchased Ford, Dodge or Chevy pickups with gun racks and bumper stickers that say “American Oil from American Soil” to drive for a night out on the town.
ED – You’ve seen the TV commercials, usually during sporting events, particularly golf. An attentive man is focused not on his remote, but on a woman, he displays a gaze similar to a lion tracking a wildebeest on the Serengeti. They whisper something (I’m guessing) besides, “hey, let’s balance our check book” and then we’re back at the golf tournament, usually a shot of the “Snoopy Blimp” flying over the course. This malady, usually affecting men, has grown since they’ve started to worry that environmentalists might have fracking banned, thus causing a gasoline shortage, which will mean longer lines to put gas in their sports cars, which will cause them to be late for the “when the time is right” moment at home. Well gotta go. My wife just appeared in the doorway of my office, what perfect timing….I just finished this article….Grrrrrrr.
Dear Comrade Jeemie:
It was learned that you recently traveled to Bucharest, Romania for business. How is this known by me you ask? We have our ways…..what, you think I let Edward Snowden go to the Bolshoi Ballet every evening or watch “Dallas” and “Love Boat” reruns while taking pleasure from our vodka and caviar. Nyet! As you know Romania lies on the western edge of the Black Sea, we now surround the east and north sides with the addition of Crimea. Romania also was spoiled child marching to their own drum while in the Warsaw Pact when Soviet Union was the #1 Superpower and you Americans, how do you say, quacked in your boots! So average American, what is your opinion, should I create trouble within Romania to use as an excuse to invade as first step in re-establishing the Warsaw Pact? Kind of like my favorite American movie, “The Blues Brothers,” where Jake and Elwood say, “We’re putting the band back together.” I cannot watch this movie too much, and have, how you say, spewered milk out my nose while watching. The guards that witnessed this are now stationed at an important missile site in Siberia. Your answer to my question is required……invade? Da or Nyet!
Vladimir Putin
Czar President of Russia
Dear Vlad:
Ok, Ok, Keep your shirt on! It’s spewed milk, not spewered, and quaked in our boots, not quacked. One of my pet peeves is when Megalomaniac’s like yourself, can’t get our American phrases correct! I did visit Bucharest recently and they don’t miss the Soviet and Communist elites that sucked the life out of the majority of people back during the Warsaw Pact days. Here’s my average American opinion. Employ your Napoleonic complex and invade. Pay no attention to the fact that the Romanian people have for millennia withstood encroachments by Persians, Macedonians, Romans, Goths, Huns, Slavs, Mongols and Magyars (sounds like a Heavy Metal Bands festival) I want you to also overlook the minor detail of Vlad Tepes the “Impaler of Wallachia,” taking on hordes of Ottoman Turks in the 1400’s intent on conquering and converting the “Infidels” to Islam. Vlad and his armies annihilated the Turks and Vlad displayed his victims skewered on posts for miles. Being the modern “Vlad,” you shouldn’t be concerned that the whole Dracula and Vampire phenomenon originated in Romania. You do know that Vlad Tepes was part of the House of Dracul (Dragon) hence the Dracula story evolved. Being a rational person….I’m sure the fear of you offending blood sucking eternal beings with supernatural powers doesn’t worry you. And I’m sure you know of the Romani (Gypsies) only 3% of the population, but you probably know to never get sideways with them….or a curse could be coming your way. One other interesting tidbit….back in 1989 when the Soviet Union imploded, Romanians decided to terminate the dominion and lives of Communist Dictator Ceaușescu and his wife. So go ahead, no do not cross red lines drawn here. Or maybe you could follow another line from “The Blues Brothers” movie, “We’re on a mission from God.” Try dialing back this whole “global dominance” obsession. Russia is already a huge country, work on making it more livable. Do more fishing, hunting, bear wrestling, with or without a shirt. You deserve a little R&R, what after the Olympics and having this job for three terms and one as puppet master over Medvedev. Take a lesson from our leader and go on more vacations, learn to play golf. Well gotta go, Vlad don’t be a stranger…….ach….snork! I just spewered coffee out my nose…..saw your latest topless picture showing you practicing a judo move on a gray whale.
Made the annual trek to “We’re So Glad to See You, Now Empty Your Pockets” (Las Vegas) with my good pals, Nelly, Iron Mike and MFO (My Favorite Okie) last week for the Pac-12 and Mountain West Basketball Tournaments. We saw great contests with sweating individuals striving against all odds to master their opponents and win. Then we left the “Blackjack” tables to go watch the basketball games…Every school has individuals that sacrifice much, train for years, exhibit school pride and don the sweaty, itchy uniform that represents the school mascot. You know them by the company they keep…..the exuberant school band, the sprightly cheerleaders and the nodding off security guard sitting nearby, hoping he doesn’t have to move to keep fans from spilling onto the floor. While watching a contest between the basketeers from UCLA and Stanford, a time out was called and the Stanford mascot trundled out onto the court. I expected to see a costumed heroic individual or an aggressive, powerful animal leap onto the court to incite and motivate the faithful to greater cheers. I just about choked on my “Dippin-Dots” when I gazed upon the Stanford mascot….it was a tree or shrub looking monstrosity derived from “El Palo Alto”, a redwood tree on both the official seal of the University and the municipal seal of Palo Alto, Stanford’s nearby city. I sat frozen, with “Dippin-Dots” on my lips and a slack-jawed stare. A tree or shrub as an unofficial mascot? Seeing this would have driven Bobby Knight to throw the whole dining room set across the floor+ and Jerry Tarkanian to bite clean through his lucky towel*. The official Stanford team name is “Cardinal,” the color…you know deep red. Guess the tree makes more sense than a color swatch running around. Maybe I need to broaden the scope of my Cro-Magnon twitchings and uber macho sensibilities. The Stanford shrub or tree may be ahead of the politically correct curve. We really need other teams to get onboard the PC train and get a move on. Some of my mascot makeover suggestions are:
Colorado State University “Ewe-Hoos,” formerly Rams. Ok, Rams suggest aggressive and male, but darn it…women make up 50% of the population and 100% of the key decision makers, when you pull the wool off our eyes.
University of Colorado “Chipaloes,” formerly Buffaloes. To be exact, Bison roamed the Plains not Buffaloes, but this change should satisfy PETA. Instead of “Ralphie” leading the charges out on those bright autumnal Saturdays, “Chip” the “bipedal” mascot will be let loose with two red-eyed Cheech and Chong look a likes tethered and leading him/her/it around the football field and into the stock trailer.
University of Wyoming “Cowpersons,” formerly Cowboys. More gender neutral and how can we allow the “Pistol Pete” mascot to carry six shooter guns in his holster? Time to soften his 1800’s image and replace his guns with bottles of sarsaparilla.
San Diego State “Lardtecs,” formerly Aztecs. A fierce looking warrior dressed as an Aztec needs to be replaced by a mascot representing a lesser know tribe shown in temple ruin drawings as portly, eating what looks to be triangle shaped maize objects that have been dipped in a bowl with a red sauce…..yes this is the seldom mentioned “Lardtecs.” Known more for their fierce eating style and gluttony, only fighting for seconds at the Mesoamerica buffet. The mascot costume will probably need to be inhabited by a “big boned” person.
University of Nevada Las Vegas “Disenfranchised Southerners,” formerly Rebels. Just going along with the current trend to revise history. All the athletic teams will have to have a much smaller letter font on their uniforms…..I would sure miss their current chant, “Rebbb…els, Rebbb…els.”
Well gotta go, my little “Ewe-Hoo” (wife) just brought some triangle shaped maize objects with sauce down to me, “Roll Lardtecs Roll!”
+ Former U of Indiana Basketball coach…1985 chair throwing incident vs Purdue U.
*Former UNLV Basketball coach….always chewed a towel during games.
I caught a glimpse of the figure edging down the sidewalk towards me. My wife and I were moving ambulatory aids (walkers, crutches and canes) from our church over to the Longmont Elks Club last summer. The figure was a small man moving painfully slow with a noticeable limp. As he moved tentatively closer to me, I could see he was hunched over in clothes that hadn’t found a day off recently. His face was creased and brown from dirt and too much time not sheltered under roof. Bloodshot eyes glanced up then away from me, either too much drink or crying….probably both. My wife had taken a load into the Elks, we were in a hurry to get the items unloaded and put away. My usual default behavior was kicking in….”don’t make eye contact, maybe he’ll get the hint and move down the street to harass someone else.” He sheepishly mumbled something under his breath that I couldn’t understand but sounded like, “can I have some spare change.” I thought, “ok, here we go…..I give you spare change, you go buy whatever feeds your addiction. I blurted, “don’t have any change,” like I was talking to a mannequin or other inanimate object….and ducked into the Elks with an armful. Coming back out, I noticed he was still there, shuffling towards my wife. This time he pointed at something my wife was carrying and he mumbled the same thing I thought he’d said to me. She stopped, understanding him better, saying “Do you want this cane.” He lowered his chin to his chest and bobbed his head up and down. She handed him the cane. He took it sheepishly, whispered a thank you and moved on. I’ve thought about the “Cane Man” a lot recently. Partly because of the frigid weather and for the way I brushed him off, assuming he was shaking me down for “spare change” instead of a “spare cane” to help with his damaged leg. I wonder what circumstances steered him to being one of the homeless; addiction, mental health issues, poverty, loss of job, the flood, lack of family and friends support…I can only imagine he and and other homeless experienced the joys of life at one time in the past? Precious newborns held tenderly by their mamas, who dreamed of their babes growing up safe and happy with jobs, families, homes…and a purpose in life? Bullet proof teens, on cloud nine because their first love helped them feel everything was right in the world. Married to their “for better or for worse mate” with loving kids in the picture and a job helping build their feelings of self-worth. What happened? When did a bright future turn into a dark day to day? The lines from a Glen Campbell song, “Try a Little Kindness” hit me a few weeks ago when I heard it, they go:
If you see your brother standing by the road – With a heavy load from the seeds he’s sowed
And if you see your sister falling by the way – Just stop and say “You’re going the wrong way.”
You got to try a little kindness, yes show a little kindness – Just shine your light for everyone to see
And if you try a little kindness then you’ll overlook the blindness – Of narrow-minded people on the narrow-minded streets.
There are a number of Longmont non-profit organizations that are providing life-sustaining support, programs which encourage movement toward self-sufficiency and a candle in the window called ”hope” to the homeless community. Organizations like, HOPE, Agape Family Services – Front Range Christian Fellowship, The Journey, CentraLongmont Presbyterian, Our Center and Inn Between just to name a few. Volunteers and Donations are always welcome. The “Cane Man” experience showed me I was one of those “narrow-minded” people from the Glen Campbell song. Have I turned into Mother Theresa? No, but I’m trying to be more empathetic and understanding of other people’s plight. I almost forgot, the last thing the “Cane Man” said to my wife and me after she had given him the cane as he was limping away was, “God Bless You.” I think he had it reversed, that’s what I should have said to him.
“Prophecy, n. The Art and Practice of selling one’s credibility for future delivery.”
Ambrose Bierce – The Devil’s Dictionary
I’m usually not happy that another year is appearing in the rear-view mirror of life, but I say good riddance to 2013. Here are my predictions for 2014:
* Polly Want a Crumpet? I predict the new councilperson parroting a certain political position will visit a local Bed and Breakfast know for providing a classy, comforting setting for get togethers fortified with Earl Grey, Oolong, Darjeeling teas and finger sandwiches. (Is it rude to point with a finger sandwich?) This councilperson will write a scolding note to the owner (asking them not to share with anyone) saying she and her friends will boycott this establishment because she learned and was appalled that they hold “Tea Parties.”
* Abominable Care Act I predict the ambulance wreck that is the ACA gets worse next year when it’s discovered the back-end systems used for customer sign ups were being run on 1960s era punch card computers with “hanging chads” causing the majority of the system crashes. Due to millions losing their existing health coverage, doctors, prescriptions, hearing aids, liniments and poultices, many are forced to visit revived medieval bloodletting, leech therapy, humours and potions establishments. Look on the bright side, the legalization of marijuana couldn’t have come at a better time to help soothe our sure to increase pain and nausea. If you like your Shaman, you’ll get to keep your Shaman, period!
* Boulder County Commissars I predict the Boulder County Gulag will become even more oppressive with the continued central planning erosion of individual liberties unless some ideological balance is applied to the current leftist cookie cutter clone apparatchiks. Unincorporated Boulder County home-owners livid with the overreach of the Commissars in assessing a fee for the road Subdivision Paving LID (Local Improvement District), decide since they are on the hook for the majority of the road costs, will set up toll booths or automated readers to charge non-residents for using “their roads.” Boulder County officials will be charged double.
* RTD “The Gift that Keeps on Taking” I predict RTD (Reason to Drive) will present their taxpayer funded (what’s another million or two) NAMS (Northwest Mobility Study) in January with the following conclusions:
1.Our budgeting models that showed a major shortfall of revenue to fund the NW Rail Corridor would have been more accurate if we hadn’t had to use the 1960’s era punch card computers we purchased through the federal government a few years ago.
2.We don’t want to rush into making any rash decisions on this project just because we are facing a short window to complete the project by 2042.
3.Longmonters, being less urbane than Boulderites, might entertain mass transit options besides train, like oxcarts, wagon train or camel caravans.
4.We might need to conduct another study to determine what marketing propaganda will continue to prevent the people from revolting and demanding a refund of their RTD taxes being directed for other projects not benefiting Longmont.
* Longmont Police: “Topless” Barber Arrested for Operating without a Cosmetology License
I predict the female tress tamer and her lawyer will offer the excuse that she was only honoring her customers requests to, “take a little off the top.”
Well gotta go. Good luck with your resolutions for the New Year. One of mine is to reduce the use of sarcasm in my writing by 50%……would that qualify me as a “half-wit?” Happy New Year!
One of my favorite comedy segments on the Saturday Night Live TV show between 1991 and 1998 was “Deep Thoughts” by Jack Handey (creative writer and comedian). Introduced by the late Phil Hartman and read live by Handey (neither actually appeared on screen), the one-liners proved to be wildly popular. Hartman would soothingly announce “And now, Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey…”, then peaceful “New Agey” music would play while the screen showed sedate pastoral scenes and Handey would then read the Deep Thought as the text to it scrolled across the screen. Some of my favorite thoughts include:
-“If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let go, because, they’re gone, man. They’re gone.”
-“Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at the word itself. MANKIND. Basically it’s made up of two separate words “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery and that’s why so is mankind.”
I can never reach the depths of Jack Handey’s “Deep Thoughts”, but here are a few of my “Semi-Deep Thoughts:”
*Many people say we evolved from apes, well if that’s the case, why don’t they have to deal with male pattern baldness? And if they have it, then they’re toupees are much better than ours.
*The latest craze to let people know what you think is called “Twitter” and your thoughts are called “Tweets”, are the people who do this activity called “Twits?”
*They say “you can’t judge a book by its cover,” especially if it’s on a Kindle.
*I remember my kindergarten teacher made us dance around a maypole in our classroom, a girl got sick and threw-up. The poor janitor had to sprinkle sawdust on the mess. They tell you not to swim right after you eat, what a load, they should have said don’t dance around the maypole?
*Sometimes I wonder why we care if water is discovered on Mars. I can hear the “Rovers” talking to each other going, “Where are they sending you today?” “Oh on another “snipe” hunt for water.” I passed a big lake yesterday with Martians water skiing, but I turned my camera off, job security you know.”
*I watched a program on TV where they said snakes are more afraid us than we are of them. Well if that’s the case why don’t we, in our encounters, hear them scream, slither-away and swear because they have to clean their laundry after seeing us?
*I’m still waiting for someone to invent the teleportation machine used in the Star Trek shows. Transporters convert a person or object into an energy pattern (a process called dematerialization), then “beam” it to a target, where it is reconverted into matter (rematerialization). Would be just my luck that they start the machine and I sneeze or twitch which causes my head to end up at my feet as I rematerialize. Boy would I be beside myself if this happened!
*Maybe you’ve seen a rare comment about train noise in this paper. Wouldn’t it be swell if the train engineer person learned to play well known melodies on the train whistle while going through town? Imagine hearing “It’s a Small World After All, “Popeye the Sailor Man” or “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go at 4am. I bet the train engineer would take requests too.
Well gotta go, my wife just hollered down to me that the new subscription to “Hair Club for Apes” just arrived in the mail. Can’t wait to see the “silverback slick-back” look.
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