“You Can Observe a Lot by Just Watching” – Yogi Berra

It was February. I’m in beautiful Detroit Airport, words you might never see together again – beautiful and Detroit, but the remodel is fabulous. Just finished a business trip, was sitting at a bar waiting for my flight home. Seven other humanoids bellied up to the bar for a drink or lunch…(since it was Detroit, I’m guessing drink). All held their cell phones intently staring at the screen, like B-17 bombardiers over Dresden and Nazi Germany during WWII. Once their bombs were away, the real bombardiers probably turned their attention to those around them. Too many people today, the “Down Nosers,” seem to be on an eternal “bombing run.” I asked a person to pass me the mustard. They grudgingly obliged, you would have thought I had said “Red Wings Suck.” Think “Segregation” died? Think again. It just morphed into every race, color and creed being ignored because none of them exist in the “Down Nosers” world, unless connected through their screens. Interaction, conversation, fugetaboutit! I loved the original Star Trek TV series in the late 1960’s. The workhorse tools were the “Communicator” and “Tricorder.” The “Communicator,” was a flip open communication device similar to our cell phone and the “Tricorder” gave environmental readings, close to a tablet today. These were tools used by the Star Trek characters, not security blanket talismans dominating their lives. They explored and conversed with strange new beings and creatures they encountered face to face, “Good God Man!” The show’s opening….. Space: The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise,
Its 5 year mission: To explore strange new worlds – To seek out new life and new civilizations -To boldly go where no man has gone before, might have had different results had the Enterprise’s crew been “Down Nosers” back in the day. For example:

Captain Kirk: “Scotty…..beam me up.” Scotty: “No response.” Captain Kirk: “Scotty….beam me up!” Scotty: “No response.” Captain Kirk: “Scotty…I’ve got this green lizard, “Zorn” about to kill me with its breath, BEAM…ME…UP!” Captain Kirk materializes in the “Transporter” room, yells at Scotty, “why….. didn’t you respond!” Scotty: “Ah wis texting Mr. Checkov, he sent me Th’ latest calendar holograms of Th’ “Kelvan Wummin,”some “bonnie lasses” those, Whit’s that Awfy Reek ‘n’ why’s that green lizard standing behind ye Captain?”

*Lieutenant Uhura: “Captain, Starfleet sent a red alert saying a sizable mass of anti-matter is approaching us.”Captain Kirk: “Mr Spock……what does your console reading show?” Mr. Spock: “Console reading? Oh a I don’t show any threat heading our way.” Captain Kirk: “Spock….monitor and alert me to any threat.” Sulu: “Captain look at the viewscreen, a huge negative energy amoeba is heading right for us!” Captain Kirk: “Take…evasive action Mr. Sulu!” (Captain runs to Spock’s Science Console. Spock hunched over playing a video game) Captain Kirk: “Spock, what…..are you doing?” Spock: “It’s her fault Jim (pointing to Uhura). What do you think she does when not playing “Inter-Galactic” operator? She plays “Angry Tribbles,” and it’s done a reverse “mind meld” on me,” but I’m almost to the highest level.” Captain Kirk: (turns to Dr. McCoy) “Bones can you please return Mr. Spock to his normal self?” Dr. McCoy: “Jim I’m a doctor not a Vulcan lobotomist!”

Well gotta go, the female humanoid life-form in our house has her phaser set to “stun” if I don’t get the chlorophyll loaded landscape covering sculpted soon. “Live Long and Perspire!”

Movies seemed easier to follow back in my youth (yes they were in color and had sound). I remember walking 3 miles uphill thru blizzards to the old “Trojan” Theatre on Main to catch the latest “flick.” Most were original works, not sequel, prequel, interquel, midquel or sidequel and very few remakes. Today, seems the “unique story” well has dried up, what with 29 Godzilla sequels, 12 Friday the 13^th sequel/prequels, Star Wars and Rocky with 6 or more, just to name a few. Over the past few years, I’ve thrown out some “Predictions” for the New Year and was mistakenly using a snow globe instead of a crystal ball to look into the future….sorry for the “snow job.” This year, in honor of all the pending film awards shows like the Academy Awards, Golden Globes, Screen Actors Guild and lesser known Severance, CO Film “Cuts and Nuts Festival,” the following are my movie “Nyquels” (non-actors placed into movie sequels. Do not drive, operate machinery, or do anything else that could be dangerous immediately after you read these mind droppings) I’d like to see on the big screen in 2015.

Misery II – Writer Paul (Democratic Party), puts it in the ditch again and his biggest fan Annie (Hillary Clinton) takes him to her cabin to have him all to herself. Instead of “hobbling” him this time, she makes him read her already prepared 2016 Presidential Acceptance Speech. Paul thinks “Hobbling” doesn’t seem so painful now.

The Three Stooges: Lyon, Sachs & Doodee PR Firm – the boys, Moe (John Boehner), Larry (Mitch McConnell) and Curly (Jonathan Gruber) open a Public Relations Firm teaching others how to learn their “Doodee” method of interacting, including: 1. Feigned Respect for the Public 2. Feigned Outrage 3. Feigned Taking Action 4. Feigned We Tried 5. Feigned Contriteness.

Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights 2 – Katey (Barack Obama) returns to a kinder gentler Cuba to find Javier (Raul Castro) so they can win another dance contest together. Naturally Javier leads.

You’ve got Mail: Ballot Bother– Kathleen (Boulder County Clerk Hillary Hall) corresponds with a mystery man via the internet Joe (CO State Treasurer Scott Gessler) whom she adores online, but despises in person, because his office always makes a big deal about the uncertified Boulder County election results. Kathleen decides Joe will take her to dinner at the Flagstaff House, even if the Canvass Board votes against certifying this action.

The Sting: Road Con – Henry, Johnny and JJ (Boulder County Commissars) divert millions from road repair and maintenance over to new County Building construction and Open Space purchases. When confronted with this travesty they employee the “Doodee” method.

Gone With the Wind: Carpetbaggers – Scarlett (Longmont citizens) find themselves at the mercy of the Denver Carpetbaggers (RTD) who continue to suck up local taxes to benefit Denver RTD Projects including “Light Rail.” Rail has been “sidetracked” here. The movie ends with Scarlett looking West down 1^st and Main where a train station was planned. As the sun sets she utters these famous words again, “After all, tomorrow is another day!”

Well gotta go. These Nyquels might never get made unless North Korea takes an interest, so enjoy the next sequel of “Rambo vs the Syrian Regular Army,” sponsored by “Metamucil.”

                              (Dedicated to “Parnac” and the Sultans of Swing)
For eons, mankind has competed in games of skill, when not being eaten by a sabre tooth tiger or womankind demanding they find a new decorative rock to go next to the cave entrance. Early Altoidazoic era cave paintings show a figure, let’s call him Eg, throwing what looks like a long club into a body of water. Another figure, Nawg, is holding his club above his head standing on one leg. Appears to be an early representation of golf and Eg has evidently lost his wife to Nawg in a prehistoric wager. At least Eg was off the hook on finding the decorative rock. Want to boil the human condition down to its basic elements, easily viewable? Then get thee to a golf course. Shakespeare wrote, “All the World’s a Stage.” If he would have been a golfer with a banana slice, he would have said, “All the 1st Tee Boxes are a Stage, press on Will, pray don’t shank thee!”

Meaning of Life – You’ve taken lessons, used grip and swing aids, yet you’re laser darts on the practice range turn into “spray not stream settings” on the golf course. The harder you work to hone your mechanics, the worse your handicap and enjoyment gets. You scream, “why am I here, what’s my purpose?” The others in your foursome look supportive, then burst out laughing and chime in, “your purpose meat, is to entertain us and continue to grow our drink fund with your stellar play.” Golf, like life is not fair, but allows free will. “To lay up or not to lay up, that is the question – Whether ‘tis Nobler to suffer the fairway sand or the lake and out of bounds surrounding the green on the Par 5.”

Search for Gratification – Golf, like life is not always about individual rewards, there is satisfaction in rewarding others. We want to make a difference, contribute. “But….Alas poor Jim! I knew him; a guy with a sense of humor, very patient; until I let him down as a partner in our match plays; he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now sneers, “win a hole or pay for my chiropractor, cause I’ve been carrying an extra 220 lbs. around all year!”

Sense of Curiosity – You play in a foursome with one of the “SDs.” Rare beings that carry a single digit handicap or lower, who venture down from “Mount Olympus,” to play with mere mortals occasionally. Their putts run to the hole like prairie dogs scurrying to their burrows. You wonder, what makes this skill possible? Is it the putter they’re using? You notice it’s the latest “Scotty Cameron” putter. “A Cameron, a Cameron, my kingdom for a Cameron!” You get your “Cameron,” and discover, it’s not the putting tool, it’s the tool putting it.

Awareness of the Inescapability of Death – You need to keep hydrated on the golf course during the summer. After water, beer for sure, you’ll need to visit, “the facilities.” Your mind is “Spock-like” focused on the back 9, you shoot your best round. You walk triumphantly up to the patio to join your wife and others for a drink, to share your proud moment. The tables are full. You’re halfway to her table and, that’s weird, the conversations stop. You look around and one of your supportive buddies says, “Hey, Sailor Neds trying to take a little shore leave,” pointing at your “Midshipman.” (fly zipper) Oh death where is thy sting? A man can die but once, embarrassment lives on. Well gotta go. “Parting is such sweet sorrow. Yonder lawn beckons me to hew its excess greenery. Was that driver the SD was swinging, Ping or Taylor Made?”

“When written in Chinese, the word ‘crisis’ is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.”
John F. Kennedy
Hard to ignore any of the recent articles being published regarding the pox that is fracking. It’s “purported” negative assault on air, land and water has convinced me that this process has to be the most damaging and invasive environmental ‘crisis’ we as the race called “human” have ever faced. Yes, even worse than the global catastrophic famines predicted in the 1970’s, Y2K in 2000, and the current global climate “not cooperating with scientist’s computer models” crisis. As a public service, I’d like to show how the following maladies are also as a direct result of hydraulic fracking:
Halitosis (Bad Breath) – No secret that your toothbrush (made of plastic) is a petroleum by-product as are many popular toothpastes and mouthwashes. Petroleum is used in the blue color dyes to give the appearance of being ‘minty fresh’ as advertised and in certain sweeteners to enhance the taste. If you are a true anti-fracking disciple, you’ll forgo these evil conveniences derived from fracking and migrate to other types of oral hygiene tools similar to what folks in other parts of the world use, such as twigs or fingers for a toothbrush and brick, charcoal, mud, salt or ash as a toothpaste substitute. Remember brush twice daily…
Petro Phobia Distemper – Symptoms include foaming at the mouth, compulsion to make protest signs and spew venomous invective and spittle in public spaces and meetings. Can be cured after the victim does a petroleum cleanse and eschews all transportation, heating-cooling, power, electrical devices, clothes and other products connected to the petroleum industry, then discovers “hemp” underwear is uncomfortable and itchy, leading them back to a more balanced view of fracking.
Frackenstein Phobia – A fairly recent phobia, its sufferers have developed an intense fear of burly oil field workers toiling at their well sites all day and night then going into town to relax with a beer or two. But it never is just a few beers, is it? They over-imbibe and decide to go on a monstrous destructive rampage, targeting any vehicle that is deemed environmentally friendly or anti-fracking…think Honda, Subaru, Volvo, Prius or (gasp) any electric vehicle. Folks stricken with this phobia have purchased Ford, Dodge or Chevy pickups with gun racks and bumper stickers that say “American Oil from American Soil” to drive for a night out on the town.
ED – You’ve seen the TV commercials, usually during sporting events, particularly golf. An attentive man is focused not on his remote, but on a woman, he displays a gaze similar to a lion tracking a wildebeest on the Serengeti. They whisper something (I’m guessing) besides, “hey, let’s balance our check book” and then we’re back at the golf tournament, usually a shot of the “Snoopy Blimp” flying over the course. This malady, usually affecting men, has grown since they’ve started to worry that environmentalists might have fracking banned, thus causing a gasoline shortage, which will mean longer lines to put gas in their sports cars, which will cause them to be late for the “when the time is right” moment at home. Well gotta go. My wife just appeared in the doorway of my office, what perfect timing….I just finished this article….Grrrrrrr.

Made the annual trek to “We’re So Glad to See You, Now Empty Your Pockets” (Las Vegas) with my good pals, Nelly, Iron Mike and MFO (My Favorite Okie) last week for the Pac-12 and Mountain West Basketball Tournaments. We saw great contests with sweating individuals striving against all odds to master their opponents and win. Then we left the “Blackjack” tables to go watch the basketball games…Every school has individuals that sacrifice much, train for years, exhibit school pride and don the sweaty, itchy uniform that represents the school mascot. You know them by the company they keep…..the exuberant school band, the sprightly cheerleaders and the nodding off security guard sitting nearby, hoping he doesn’t have to move to keep fans from spilling onto the floor. While watching a contest between the basketeers from UCLA and Stanford, a time out was called and the Stanford mascot trundled out onto the court. I expected to see a costumed heroic individual or an aggressive, powerful animal leap onto the court to incite and motivate the faithful to greater cheers. I just about choked on my “Dippin-Dots” when I gazed upon the Stanford mascot….it was a tree or shrub looking monstrosity derived from “El Palo Alto”, a redwood tree on both the official seal of the University and the municipal seal of Palo Alto, Stanford’s nearby city. I sat frozen, with “Dippin-Dots” on my lips and a slack-jawed stare. A tree or shrub as an unofficial mascot? Seeing this would have driven Bobby Knight to throw the whole dining room set across the floor+ and Jerry Tarkanian to bite clean through his lucky towel*. The official Stanford team name is “Cardinal,” the color…you know deep red. Guess the tree makes more sense than a color swatch running around. Maybe I need to broaden the scope of my Cro-Magnon twitchings and uber macho sensibilities. The Stanford shrub or tree may be ahead of the politically correct curve. We really need other teams to get onboard the PC train and get a move on. Some of my mascot makeover suggestions are:

Colorado State University “Ewe-Hoos,” formerly Rams. Ok, Rams suggest aggressive and male, but darn it…women make up 50% of the population and 100% of the key decision makers, when you pull the wool off our eyes.

University of Colorado “Chipaloes,” formerly Buffaloes. To be exact, Bison roamed the Plains not Buffaloes, but this change should satisfy PETA. Instead of “Ralphie” leading the charges out on those bright autumnal Saturdays, “Chip” the “bipedal” mascot will be let loose with two red-eyed Cheech and Chong look a likes tethered and leading him/her/it around the football field and into the stock trailer.

University of Wyoming “Cowpersons,” formerly Cowboys. More gender neutral and how can we allow the “Pistol Pete” mascot to carry six shooter guns in his holster? Time to soften his 1800’s image and replace his guns with bottles of sarsaparilla.

San Diego State “Lardtecs,” formerly Aztecs. A fierce looking warrior dressed as an Aztec needs to be replaced by a mascot representing a lesser know tribe shown in temple ruin drawings as portly, eating what looks to be triangle shaped maize objects that have been dipped in a bowl with a red sauce…..yes this is the seldom mentioned “Lardtecs.” Known more for their fierce eating style and gluttony, only fighting for seconds at the Mesoamerica buffet. The mascot costume will probably need to be inhabited by a “big boned” person.

University of Nevada Las Vegas “Disenfranchised Southerners,” formerly Rebels. Just going along with the current trend to revise history. All the athletic teams will have to have a much smaller letter font on their uniforms…..I would sure miss their current chant, “Rebbb…els, Rebbb…els.”

Well gotta go, my little “Ewe-Hoo” (wife) just brought some triangle shaped maize objects with sauce down to me, “Roll Lardtecs Roll!”

+ Former U of Indiana Basketball coach…1985 chair throwing incident vs Purdue U.

*Former UNLV Basketball coach….always chewed a towel during games.