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Ask Jimmie St. Vrain – Miami “Crack House” – 9/5/13

April 12, 2014 / / 0 Comments

Dear Jimmie – Upon awakening, I gaze out my window to the east and am enthralled by the awe-inspiring Colorado sunrise. When evening is nigh, I gaze out my window to the west and my eyes are inadequate tools to describe the breathtaking “Purple Mountains Majesty” of the Colorado sunset. Tis a privilege to live in Colorado! I look out my window to the south and get to see the “Miami Crack House” on wheels that is the “gift that keeps on rotting,” Johnson’s Corner Gas Station. So, for all the beauty around me, the cat might as well have whizzed in my corn flakes as make me have to view this eyesore. Oh….but it’s such a historic example of “Art Deco” architecture, we have to save and preserve this community landmark that might cost $500 – $750K to restore! Well the crickets have been chirping for 10 years while we wait for the funds to appear. How do we get this concrete curmudgeon gone?

Peeved in Prospect

Dear PIP – What? You’re not a fan of “Art Deco” architecture? You have to remember 10 in taxpayer years equals about 1 in Government and associated commission’s years. I’ll withhold my personal opinion on what should be done with this old, truly “self-service” gas station, but will offer the following solutions to this issue:

“ED” Mall Relocation – Move the “JCGS” to the new “Enterprise Dysfunction” or “Eminent Domain” Mall and have a new owner renovate it. Since we now have gazillion healthy grocery stores, seems we could use one non-healthy grocery type store as a balance. Maybe a franchise called Un-Whole Foods or Gordo’s that specialized in all the popular deep fried carnival and State Fair fare like: corn dogs, funnel cakes, snickers, butter balls, spaghetti and meatballs on a stick and the newly popular tater wedges with a lard and ketchup dipping sauce. I bet a store like this would see significant customer base expansion, literally.

Our Health, Our Future, Our Longmont HQ – The “JCGS” would make the perfect headquarters for this anti-fracking group. It could be squeezed in on some of the limited Boulder County Open Space land. They could be truly green by just using the concrete shell with no heating or cooling systems using gas or electric or any of the many items made from petrochemicals to furnish the building. To be helpful, I have noticed a slew of discounted Solyndra Solar Panels on eBay.

RTD Longmont Train Station – With RTD’s budgeting scheme for our Northwest Corridor link being worse than Custer’s allocation of troops at the Battle of the Little Big Horn, the “JCGS” could be the perfect affordable Train Station for our end of the Northwest Corridor. The shell already has the covered train platform attached and the money saved on this plan would enable RTD to add an extra “fireman” (coal stoker) to the steam engines they plan using on our route.

Sugar Factory Visitor’s Center – Talk about historic, you can’t find a sweeter landmark to Longmont’s Ag pedigree than the hulking rodent hotel, broken down brick and mortar on our eastern border, yeah, the Sugar Factory. Move the “JCGS” next to the “Beet Palace” and it will look like a Mercedes sitting next to a Yugo. It could be a combination Visitor’s Center and Cat Shelter (for controlling, uh all the rodents). So PIP those are my “stream of unconsciousness” solutions. Hope someone acts to improve your’s and all the other Prospector’s viewing pleasure. Well gotta go. My wife just told me my deep fat fryer oil was hot, I’ll let you know how the “spam curds” turn out.

Here’s Looking at You, Bucharest – 7/31/13

April 12, 2014 / / 0 Comments

Arrived Monday morning July 22nd after 20+ hours of relaxing air travel and always pleasant interactions with airport security personnel that bring back grade school memories of Mrs. “Weenie-buns” (nickname) telling me to close my desktop in a tone that I’m sure damaged my fragile self esteem and contributed to extending my bed-wetting years. I made this trip for work and had read prior to my trip, that Bucharest, the capital, cultural and financial center of Romania has a mix of neo-classical, Bauhaus, Art Deco, Communist-era and modern architecture. In between the two World Wars, the city’s elegant architecture and the sophistication of its elite earned Bucharest the nickname of “Little Paris.” There are numerous parks and tree lined boulevards along with a replica of the Arc de Triomphe. Although buildings and districts in the historic city centre were heavily damaged or destroyed by war, earthquakes and Communist Dictator Nicolae Ceausescu’s program of systematically destroying religious structures and monuments, many survived. Before visiting, my notions of Romania consisted of Transylvania – Dracula, Olympic gymnasts – Nadia Comaneci and gypsies. I’m pleased to report my horizons have been broadened by the trip and the hospitable, kind people I met. I was also privileged to experience the “Romanian stare,” which is a cross between the look your significant other gives you after you’ve gobbled a whole pie at Thanksgiving and then squeak, “I didn’t think you wanted a piece,” and the half pity/half disdain look you get from people in the check-out line behind you at the home center store when the cashier has to do a price check on the “stainless steel j-bolt with hex nut” left uncoded by you. After I arrived in Bucharest and checked into my hotel, I took a cab back to the airport to pick up another co-worker. My cab driver Florine, spoke no English, so I used my iphone translator to ask him: When we get to the airport what is the cost for you to wait? He looked in the rearview mirror, gave me the “stare,” giggled and shrugged his shoulders….I can only imagine what my butchered pronunciation produced, possibly: Can you take me to a pig farm so I can roll around? He called his English speaking supervisor on the phone to assist. Lesson Learned: Avoid trying to speak phrases or sentences in Romanian, unless you’re prepared to wallow in confusion. I was talking with a new Romanian friend during dinner about Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia or Vlad the Impaler (Bram Stoker’s 1897 novel Dracula was inspired by Vlad’s father’s name Vlad Dracul). During the Ottoman Turks drive to conquer Christian Europe, Vlad was renowned for his defense of Romania. I mentioned I’d heard, after killing Turks in battle, Vlad would mount their heads on pikes for miles as a warning to other Turk armies to reconsider advancing. My Romanian friend shook his head and corrected me by saying Vlad impaled their entire bodies on the pikes, not just their heads. To which I said, “Sort of like Turkish shish kabobs?” Oh Oh, there it was again, the “stare.” Lesson Learned: It’s very hard to stick to your point when you’re talking about impaling. Also at dinner, one of our hosts suggested we try a shot of “Tuica,” a strong Romanian drink made from plums. I said oh, kind of like the “Ouzo” drink from Greece? The group went silent and then, that’s right, a table full of “stares.” They all said, almost in unison, “Tuica is much better and stronger than Ouzo.” Lesson Learned: When discussing drinks that are a source of national pride, better to distill the good qualities of each and not allow regional animosity to ferment. Well gotta go. My wife just brought home some Kansas City BBQ, you know kinda like Texas BBQ.

Stand by Your Man – 6/11/13

April 12, 2014 / / 0 Comments

Male, n. A member of the unconsidered or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly know (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.

Ambrose Bierce – The Devil’s Dictionary

Well maybe Ol’ Ambrose’s definition of women’s attitude towards men is a little harsh and a sweeping indictment, he wasn’t called “Bitter Bierce” for nothing. Portrayals of men in popular culture hasn’t been very flattering over the past decades. Either we’re a bunch of bumbling idiots or maniacal killing machines. Recent news that women are either the leading or sole breadwinners in American households has spurred some people to ask the question: Why do we need men? Nationally syndicated columnists and authors Maureen Dowd and Kathleen Parker have inquired. Dowd wrote a book in 2005 titled, “Are Men Necessary?” Parker wrote in a recent column, “Despite certain imperfections, men are fundamentally good and sort of pleasant to have around. Most women still like to fall in love with them; all children want a father no matter how often we try to persuade ourselves otherwise.” In defense of my testosterone teammates, I’ve compiled the following reasons why I believe men are still needed:

Lid Liberators – You’ve got girlfriends over for a wedding shower or a jewelry party (I don’t know what’s in vogue now, remember I’m a male) and you break out your prized canned beets, but the lid on the jar is on tighter than a pair of 70’s jeans. Everyone gives it a shot, but due to fingernail concerns or “NFE” (no forearms evident), the lid stays put. But wait, you summon Mr. Man, who is downstairs watching “Lawn Bowling with Yard Gnomes” or “Caddyshack” for the 50th time. This is the perfect audience for him, as he nonchalantly grips the jar and applies his no sweat twist….voila, the lids off without missing a beet.
Keepers of the Barbeque Flame – Notice who is “manning” the grill when it’s time to put a char on a piece of meat or soy burger? Men. There is a genetic explanation for this. After many millennium, men’s hands have perfectly evolved to provide a perfect fit for a beer can and a BBQ implement. Oh sure women can grill, but they are going against nature in doing so.
Bump in the Night Responders – It’s 2am in the morning and there’s an unfamiliar sound in another part of your house. Guess who usually gets the nod to go investigate? You’re right! The XY Chromie Homie. We aren’t excited to do it, but feel it’s our duty to protect home and hearth, besides it’s a good excuse to visit the bathroom.
Movie Quote Reciters – Need a quote from a movie for Trivial Pursuit or a conversation? Many men can spend hours talking to buddies using nothing more than famous quotes from movies and then laugh at ones they’ve heard hundreds of times. Women, use this resource…..most guys are much more personable than “Google,” and we won’t track you’re buying habits.
Fashion or Hairdo Cheerleaders – Don’t we all appreciate a positive comment about how we look? Especially when we’ve left the torn shirt and sweatpants at home and dressed up. Do women appreciate a nice comment from a man (not with an ulterior motive) regarding their clothes or hair? I think most do. If men are gone, then women will be totally dependent on other women making positive comments. That is all I can safely say on this subject. Well gotta go. I just heard my wife yell that I needed to run to the backyard and relocate a garter snake to a less public part of our garden……I needed to add that to the list…..Garter Snake Relocators. Happy Father’s Day!

Ask Jimmie St. Vrain – Dilliards – 5/1/13

April 12, 2014 / / 0 Comments

Dear Jiminy – What’s all this fuss over an “M&M Display” in the “Billiards Clothing Store” at the Mall? My deceased husband Wilbur used to tell the grandkids that the “m” logo on each candy was hand-painted by selfish children as punishment for eating brown and green ones without saving them for their grandpa. If you ask me, it seems there’s way too much hand-wringing and waste of ink over such a minor issue. Now if folks really want to get their knickers in a bunch, they should be concerned about the trouble with having a “Billiards Clothing Store” at the Mall. That’s Trouble with a capital “T” and that rhymes with “P” and that stands for Pool! I’ve seen a few of the professional pool tournaments on TV and the clothes the women wear, my word! They wear these slinky low cut blouses and skintight pants that would put Kansas City floozies to shame! What the City of Longmont and Billiards Clothing Store need to focus on is clearing out this “smut-wear” and the severe shortage of belts and suspenders for teenagers whose pants are displayed at “half-mast.” Little chocolate candy on display is OK in my book, but having a store that sells “eye candy” clothes that encourages women to dress like Jezebels is not. Also, can’t you start a campaign to collect belts and suspenders for Billiards Clothing Store so our youth can cinch up their trousers? I know you can come up with something people will get behind! – Emilee Patella
Dear Emilee – Where do I begin? I could use a “good belt” myself about now. The hot issue in Longmont isn’t an “M&M” Display” in the local “Billiards Clothing Store,” it is the City of Longmont deciding to enact “eminent domain” on the local “Dillards Clothing Store” at the Mall. To simplify the recap of this complex negotiation process, I’ve decided use a fictional transaction involving the “Three Stooges.” Suppose Curly (New Mark Merill – Developer) and Larry (Dillards Clothing Store) argue over the design and improvements they’re going to make to their run-down clubhouse that includes Larry’s personal room. After months of eye pokes, nose pulls and ear slaps, the boys are at an impasse. Curly has offered to give Larry 3 hot dogs, if he’ll give up his room in the clubhouse and any input on the remodel. Larry says it will take at least 5 hot dogs. No agreement is reached and they miss a development plan deadline. Curly complains to Moe (City of Longmont), who once the clubhouse is remodeled, gets to charge admission and show it off to his buddies. Moe works up a final offer of 3 hot dogs (to be paid by Curly) after dropping a bowling ball on Larry’s foot. Moe then warns Larry that if he doesn’t accept this offer, he will bring in his friend Judge Dewey Cheatam to set a final price. I hope this clears up your confusion over the issue Emilee. Oh by the way, do you know who saggy pants wearers should see for accounting advice? A CPA that specializes in covering arrears, assets and GAAP accounting, “Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk.”
Dear Jiminy – Never mind. – Emilee

Sign of the Times – 3/24/13

April 12, 2014 / / 0 Comments

Las Vegas means “The Meadows” in Spanish. In the 19th century, areas of the valley contained artesian wells that supported extensive green areas or meadows (vegas in Spanish); hence the name Las Vegas. Today in Las Vegas, NV the most extensive green areas you’ll see aren’t the meadows, but miles and miles of felt covered gaming tables designed to take possession of your “green.” I recently accompanied some pals, The “Stir the Pot” gang to Vegas to watch the Pac 12 and Mountain West Basketball Tournaments. One pal, “D-Man,” after an especially prosperous hand, arose from a blackjack table we occupied and started doing the “Stir the Pot” dance (imagine stirring a huge soup pot with a large spoon). The rest of us joined in, followed by the dealer, people at other tables, people passing by the table outside the entryway, then security staff…an impromptu flash mob dance. We later toasted the “D-Man” for his spontaneous display and passed around the “Advil.” Walking the Las Vegas Strip can expose you to various exotic flora and fauna. Vegas, like Longmont, has many folks standing on street corners with their cardboard and magic marker signs asking for help. The city does have Homeless Shelters and Food Bank/Soup Kitchen resources available. I’m not making light of the sign holder’s life situation and am fortunate to have a roof over my head and food on the table, but some of the signs in Las Vegas were the most creative and yes, humorous I’ve seen, for instance:
* My Family was Killed by Alien Ninjas – Need Money for Karate Lessons *
* Need Money for Cosmetic Enhancements *
* OK – I Just Need Money for a Beer *
A Bible verse contains, For God loves a cheerful giver. What we saw in Vegas were examples of cheerful receivers. I’m just wondering what other “Help Wanted” humorous signs we might have seen, had we ventured further down the Strip…….Possibly the following?
* Sequestered White House Tour Guide – Forget About Hope, Just Give Me Your Change *
* Friend of Dennis Rodman – Must Buy Wedding Gift for His Marriage to N. Korea’s Kim Jung Un. They’re Registered at “Barbwire Bombs and Beyond” *
* Former Lance Armstrong PR Director – Need Money to Pedal My Book *
* Financial Advice on What Not to Invest In – For a Small Fee *
* Ran Out of Gas in My Electric Car – Need Money or Charge Card *
* Have Winning Powerball Ticket – Need Money to Get to Lottery Claims Office – Give Address, Will Split Jackpot *
* Wife Ran Off with Bulgarian Dwarf from Circus – Talk About a Shrinking “Euro” Crisis – Need Money *
* Lost Wallet on “Dancing With the Stars” While Doing the Rumba – Need Money for Tap Lessons *
* Intersection Crossing Guard – $.50 Per Crossing *
* Confucius Say: Man Who Live in Glass House, Dress in Basement – Tips Appreciated for this Word of Wisdom *
Well gotta go, my wife just came into the room and she’s holding a cardboard sign that says:
* Wife Say: Husband Who Overspends in Las Vegas, Has Spousal Attention Deficit Disorder *

Boulder County Survival Tips – 2/11/13

April 12, 2014 / / 0 Comments

As many of you might realize, the world is a very dangerous place. And since we live in Boulder County, many might say we live in the world. Although at times it feels like we live on planet “Bassackwardsagonia.” Being that the world is very dangerous, I was so relieved to read that on January 23, 2013 our DHS (Department of Homeland Security) used its Twitter account to offer “tips” on how to deal with the winter weather. A portion of the tip sheet reads: During Winter Storms and Extreme Cold * Stay indoors during the storm. * Walk carefully on snow and icy walkways. * Avoid overexertion when shoveling snow. Overexertion can bring on a heart attack—a major cause of death in the winter. If you must shovel snow, stretch before going outside. * Keep dry. Change wet clothing frequently to prevent a loss of body heat. Wet clothing loses all of its insulating value and transmits heat rapidly. * If you are shoveling your walk and notice a Predator Drone hovering above you, do not point your finger in a gun-like manner or throw an imaginary grenade at the Drone, unless you want your walk cleared real fast. OK, I made that last helpful suggestion up. Since we need constant supervision on living in this very dangerous world, I thought I would assist Janet Napolitano, Mayor Bloomberg and Glorious Leader by offering these survival tips for Boulder County: During Anytime of the Year * Every few months, due to things called seasons, our weather becomes warmer or colder, rainy or snowy (talk about climate change). Wearing more or fewer clothes depending on this change is warranted, unless you’re a teenager, then you’re aversion to coats exceeds Governor Chris Christie’s to a treadmill. Keep informed on season change by watching or listening to your local news, making this judgement yourself can be very dangerous. * There are big rock formations west of Longmont called mountains. If you need to drive in them, be careful, this can be very dangerous. Watch the road because it can be very serpentine (un-straight) and steep, so keep both hands on the wheel and use your brakes to slow down. If you have to pull off the road at a “Scenic Overlook” to take pictures, this can be very very dangerous. Say you get out of your vehicle, point your camera to get a picture of some of the “Scenic” and a chipmunk mistakes your hair for a twig nest, startling you and causing you to fall over the “Overlook.” This could cause you to lose your life and possibly a very nice photo. * Hunting animals is very dangerous. Consider using your gun, but leave the shells or bullets at home. If you get close enough, most animals will give up. A shot with a loaded weapon could ricochet of a rock and hit a Boulder Police Officer looking for a wounded elk. * If you must go to Boulder, also very dangerous, do not wear your antler hat or make elk rutting noises. * Erie is a very dangerous place because of fracking. The air quality has been reported to be similar to Mars and I think I’ve seen video of the Mars Curiosity Rover coughing up phlegm. If you must drive past Erie, I suggest you hold your breath, but don’t hold it too long, you might pass out and have an accident. Wearing a full face respirator might help, but the police might think you’re a terrorist. Maybe it’s best if you avoid driving past Erie. Thomas Jefferson wrote: “Whenever people are well informed, they can be trusted with their own government.” Paint me distrustful of government micromanaging my life. Well, gotta go. I’ve got to drive to Boulder. Think I’ll drive past Erie with the windows down, take a deep breath, stop for a greasy hamburger, salty fries and a 48 ounce soft drink. Next snowstorm I’ll stretch for an hour prior to shoveling.

Local Predictions for 2013 – 12/30/12

April 12, 2014 / / 0 Comments

Predictions are tough, even for the most famous prognosticator, Nostradamus. This 16th century French apothecary (medieval pharmacist) and reputed seer published collections of prophecies or quatrains about events hundreds of years into the future that have since become famous worldwide, but are open to misinterpretation. A popular legend states that he attempted the ancient method of water gazing to go into a “trance like” state to see reflections of future events. I’m predicting that he probably wasn’t very popular at 16th century “pool” parties. Party host Duke of Croissant says, “what’s up with your brother?” All he does is stare into the pool talking to himself.” “I apologize, he won’t even take time to give me the results from next weeks jousting matches,” said Yestradamus (Nostradamus’s younger, more hip brother). As I sit here gazing into a scotch bottl….er pitcher of iced tea trying to discern local events yet to happen in 2013, here’s what I predict:
Maya Goodbya
The Mayan Calendar based prediction that the world would end on 12/21/12 didn’t happen. I have information from a reliable source (his Aunt dated a Mayan guy) that the Mayan scribe, Gotsum-Iritable-Bowell who carved the Long Count Calendar calculations into stone was actually dyslexic. Based on an always credible late night AM radio show, I heard the new “End of World” date moves to 12/21/21.
Main Street Dismount Zone
The Longmont Downtown Development Authority implements a dismount zone specifically for bike riders and skateboarders, but the City’s legal team not wanting the ordinance to specifically single out the bikers and boarders, includes an exhaustive list of modes of transportation requiring a dismount, here’s a sampling: persons or cute animals riding the following: dogs, cows, pigs, horses (includes stick ponies), camels, elephants, emu, gnu, goa, (Segway to non-animal modes), Shriner minicycles, unicycles, clown cars, Soap Box Derby cars, “Big Wheels”, rodeo clown barrels, Mini-Coopers, shopping carts, balance balls. Persons using a jet pack, “Jetson” car, Star Wars speeder bike, podracer or cloud car that maintain a minimum height of 10′ above the sidewalk will be exempt from the dismount ordinance, but might face the wrath of the CQS (Citizens for Quiet Skies) airport noise droids.
Squirrel’s Gone Bad
In 2012, several TC line contributors complained about squirrels being noisy, destructive tree-rats and that the city needed to help alleviate this problem. Well in 2013 the city has enough on it’s plate with the pending revenue hit from the Fracking Ban, hope they’ve “rat-holed” plenty of money. I predict part of the Boulder County Environmental Sustainability plan will include a 50% match of the cost for Longmont citizens to hire world famous Caesar Salad, “The Squirrel Whisperer” to come and help work with them and their yard-mates. Caesar believes there are no bad squirrels just bad human custodians. He teaches the disgruntled custodians to change their attitudes and to talk calmly with their squirrels in a soothing friendly voice. Instead of “Hey you furry little humping machine, get off my bird feeder.” They are taught to say, “Hi Mr or Ms squirrel, isn’t it a wonderful day? Would you like to come sit by me, while I finish my coffee and whittle for a while?”
RTD Fare increase
Another fare increase is implemented by the “Reason to Drive” monopoly. Cue “Money for Nothing” by the band Dire Straits.

Well gotta go. I recorded the latest episode of “The Squirrel Whisperer” and Caesar Salad is going to show how to train a squirrel to saddle up and ride your family dog. Remember to dismount your furry buddy should you take them on Main Street next year. Utzul Mank’inal (Happy Holidays – rough translation in Mayan)

Ask Jimmie St. Vrain – Christmas – 11/29/12

April 12, 2014 / / 0 Comments

Dear Jimmie – I love your brother Johnnie St. Vrain’s columns, but I figured he’s busy with serious questions and stuff so I thought I would ask you this question. Where in the world can a person (me) find unique gifts for family and friends? Last year I made everyone some cute lacquered Popsicle stick hot pads. When they opened them up they got this look, well the best I can describe it is the look someone gets when they just learned their car’s been towed.
Ima Little-Crafty

Dear Ima – Have you thought about making them habenero flavored Popsicle tongue depressors this year? Just a thought. Sounds like you’re gift options enthusiasm has melted (get it Popsicle…melted ….never mind) this year and you don’t want to just trade gift cards? (When You Care the Most to Send the Very Least) Well have I got some exciting news for you…I’ve searched high and low, far and wide, over hill and dale, from hither to yon….ok…ok get to the point eggnog breath! I’ve found a treasure trove of unique, recently undiscovered gifts that are sure to astound those on your Christmas list and might even give you rights to wear the “mistletoe hat” this year! These one of a kind gifts can’t be found in any store or online, I’ll give you a call, do you have any of those Popsicle stick hot pads left? Here are some of the more popular gift discoveries:
President Obama Doll – Sure to please Republican’s on your list, this lifelike doll is dressed in a copy of one of the President’s favorite suits and has a tiny US flag lapel pin that is removable. A talking pull string is built into the back of the doll and when pulled utters, “You didn’t build that….Solyndra.”
House Speaker John Boehner Tanning Lamp – Can’t exclude Democrats on your list. Want that just back from the beach or golf course “too tan to trust” look just like the Speaker? This lamp is just the ticket, it has the Democrat donkey emblem and “trickle down” sand timer on it’s base. Priced without tax.
Fiscal Cliff Bar – This tasty adult “De-Energy” bar contains dark chocolate, vitamins, minerals and a new organic, locally grown product known for it’s “ahem” medicinal properties. Once you finish one, the last thing on your mind is the increased taxes and economic slowdown looming in 2013….you’ll be laser focused on a Twinkie stuffed with Cheetos and if that’s not available you’ll gladly snarf the stringed popcorn wrapped around the Christmas tree while Rover blocks the door to his Eukanuba.
RTD FasTracks Model Train Set – Itching to take that ride on RTD’s FasTracks Limited? Emphasis on the Limited, this model train set comes with the track but doesn’t include the actual train. Think how this will expand your kids imagination, they can construct their own unique trains to ride the rails….wouldn’t a prairie dog shaped engine car look cute? Even though the box promised a complete set, you can pay a surcharge to get the actual cars that are on back-order until 2040. WhooWhoo!
Boulder County Open Space Ouija Board – Looking for a reliable decision making tool that is fun to operate and doesn’t take batteries? This board is modeled after the garnet and ruby embossed County Commissioners model….ours has simulated garnet and rubies. Easy to operate….just tap into that spiritual entity known as “SWAG” and land on that Open Space bargain. You get a mulligan-do over if you land on the Boulder County Courthouse….we’re already paying for that!

Well gotta go! Ms. St. Vrain just came down wearing the “mistletoe hat” wanting to know what happened to all of Rover’s Eukanuba! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Not On My Bucket List, But on My “Duck-It” List – 10/30/12

April 12, 2014 / / 0 Comments

I’m guessing most of you are familiar with the books and movie focusing on the bucket list, which consists of memorable things you should do or see before you leave this life (kick the bucket). Some of the items on my list are: take a river cruise from Amsterdam to Budapest, visit Australia, see the WWII Memorial in Washington D.C. and locally, see the famous Soap and Deodorant Museum in Hygiene. I’ll come clean, I made that last item up. Equally important to me as my bucket list is my duck-it list. These are things I want to avoid doing or seeing before I take the eternal leave of absence. Here’s just a few from that list:

Running With the Bulls

Every July thousands of runners assemble in Pamplona, Spain ready to continue the tradition of running with the bulls from corrals outside the city to the bullring. They dress in the traditional clothing of the festival of Sanfermines, white shirt and trousers with a red waistband and neckerchief. In one hand, they hold the day’s newspaper rolled to draw the bulls’ attention from them if necessary. (hopefully the bull’s want to slow down to read the Editorial page) Two rules that caught my attention: 1. Runners who are drunk, drugged or otherwise perceived to be a danger to others, will not be allowed to run. (guess the bulls are exempt from this rule) 2. Do not distract, grab onto, harass or mistreat the animals. (doubt if many runners are going to stop and tease the bulls by saying, “Why do bulls/cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work!”) If I feel the urge to get trampled or gored, I’ll line up in the wee hours at the Walmart Superstore doors waiting for them to open on the day after Thanksgiving (Black and Blue Friday).

Chernobyl, Ukraine Tour

The Chernobyl disaster was a catastrophic nuclear accident that occurred in 1986 at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant in the Ukraine, then part of the old Soviet Union. An explosion and fire released large quantities of radioactive contamination into the atmosphere, which spread over much of Western USSR and Europe. A 19 mile largely uninhabited “zone of alienation” exists today. The good news is officials estimate it should be safe for human habitation in only 20,000 years. If you’re not in a hurry this could present an opportunity for patient property flippers. Despite local authorities “glowing” reviews on the safety of the tour, I think I’ll pass.

Bungee Jumping

Millions of people around the globe have safely done this from various heights and locations. Here’s my fear….I pull up to your run of the mill bungee jumping tower at a local carnival in the parking lot of a shopping center. The usual operator has come down with the Jack Daniel’s flu for the day and he’s pleaded with the guy that runs the Ferris wheel to substitute for him. The Ferris wheel guy reluctantly agrees to step in for the bungee guy. So besides being in a bad mood, being bad with numbers and having a bad memory, he needs to adjust the length of the bungee to the height of the tower that day. Oops! So it doesn’t take a stretch of your imagination to see where I’m going with this…

National Odor-Eaters Rotten Sneaker Contest

The National Odor-Eaters Rotten Sneaker Contest in Montpelier, VT, in its 37th year, has gained a certain “cachet” as the ultimate contest showing just how dirty and stinky sneakers can get in an active kid’s life. Sneakers are judged by a panel on the conditions of the sole, tongue, heel, toe, laces or Velcro, eyelets/grommets, overall condition and most important ODOR. The Champion confessed that his sneakers got dirty and smelly because he plays a lot of soccer, also does fishing, hiking, and dip netting…and he just has naturally stinky feet.

Well gotta go. Just got the urge to open a Soap and Deodorant Museum in Longmont.

Frackzilla is Coming for You – 9/27/12

April 12, 2014 / / 0 Comments

Unless you’ve been vacationing in the Carlsbad Caverns, you’ve probably heard news regarding fracking. Here’s my attempt to drill down into a suitable definition. Fracking – (noun) a method of mining in which cracks (fractures) are created in a type of rock called shale in order to obtain gas, oil or other substances that are inside of it. Hydraulic fracking refers to using water, sand and other chemicals to frack the shale. Zzz….zzz…sorry I dozed off just then. I also consulted with a local teenager for their definition. “Oh fracking, it’s like what happens when the oil dudes roll up with their hunkin large machines and derricks and such! I love derricks cause that’s my boyfriend’s name, Derek. After they find a spot on the ground, they start drilling until they like run out of pipe. They then start like yelling at each other, saying “why didn’t you bring more fracking pipe!” Once the anti-fracking group, “Our Health, Our Future, Our Longmont, Your Higher Utility Bills, Your Colder Home, Your Boulder East” gets fracking banned in Longmont’s city limits and next moves on to ban it everywhere (http://ourlongmont.org/), here’s the wonderful life we’ll all get to experience, say around 2016:
Transportation “Springs” Ahead
Cars were so overrated. Everyone was in a hurry. You didn’t have time to meet new people or get any exercise using one. Today’s cars were made obsolete by no more fossil fuel and electric vehicles fizzled, unless your were good at rubbing your hands together to create static electricity to recharge your vehicle (most electricity came from a coal or gas fired power plant which will no longer exists, duh). Our future vehicles will have big windup springs with most vehicles getting 1 MPWUP (mile per windup). This will help us slow down, meet new friends and get some exercise at the same time.
Thermos Homes
Our future homes will be nothing more than giant Thermos’s (try and say that fast). These marvels of modern technology will keep us warm in the winter and cool in the summer (how does it know when to keep hot hot or cool cool?) Some thought is still needed on how to avoid breaking the seal for a minor consideration like breathing.
Return to the “Cold War”
In our new life with fracking and fossil fuels banned we won’t be the selfish power hogs of old. Our once a week showers will not be the heated variety of the bourgeois, but a cold, heart stopping dousing to stir our senses. Don’t think of it as a hardship comrade. Think of it as your contribution to the collective motherland and the next generation.
Women Fully Liberated
With petroleum products gone in our new life, women won’t have the societal burden of being slaves to fashion and grooming, because the following products will not exist: clothing made from synthetic fibers such as acrylic, nylon and polyester, or coated with formaldehyde finishes (even organic cotton could fall into this category), stretchy part of your underwear, all of your bra, plastic earrings, bracelets and necklaces, body lotion, shampoo, hairbrush, soap, lipstick, mascara, eyeliner, foundation, hair gel, nail polish and perfume. Although I’ve never been a woman, but did shave my legs for a Triathlon, I feel this is a wonderful opportunity for women to go back to making their own clothes out of natural fibers like hemp or corn stalks. As far as needing hair products or makeup, women here’s your opportunity to let the world see the real you! Remember beauty is only skin deep.

Both sides of the fracking debate deserve your thoughtful consideration to discover the truth before voting for a ban: http://www.truthlandmovie.com/ and http://www.gaslandthemovie.com/ Well gotta go, in preparing for the worst, a friend and I are tinkering with a secret Boulder Country renewable power source sure to get a Federal subsidy. All I can tell you is it involves mini treadmills, prairie dogs and tiny “5-Hour Energy” drink bottles.

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