It’s August, and the Boulder County Fair has come and gone. The aromas of the fiendishly decadent deep fried fan favorites, le funnel cake, le corn dog and le twinkie that wafted over the Fair Midway have dissolved. Word has it that Mayor Bloomberg of New York City will visit the Fair next year. The Mayor loves raw oysters and has never sampled the “Rocky Mountain” variety. Aack! Hold on, I just about spit out my “Big Gulp!” Animals have been curried, trimmed, cleaned and hauled back home after putting their best foots, er hooves forward. The Fair gives many people a glimpse of our agrarian past. I’ve been on a farm before, but like other “city dwellers” am not up to snuff on many of the intricacies and practices of farm and ranch living. Apple iPhone has an existing personal assistant application named, “Siri” that responds to your questions about the weather, business locations and a number of other amazing topics. Imagine if along with “Siri”, I had a Boulder County Fair personal assistant named “Ringo,” get it…cowboy sounding and phone ring…..never mind. I sure could have used Ringo’s help with the following questions while at the Fair:
Kris – Ringo, what do you call a female and a male sheep?
Ringo – Ewe is a female and Ram is a male.
Kris – Did you just say I was a female, you is a female?
Ringo – ????? Recalibrating, Female sheep is Ewe.
Kris – Did you just say I’m a female sheep, female sheep is you.
Ringo – ????? Not programmed for sarcasm. Please rephrase.
Kris – Ringo, why are bulls turned into steers?
Ringo – To control the genetics of your herd by not allowing inferior genetics into the cowherd, as well as preventing inbreeding or linebreeding. To reduce aggressiveness; steers are easier to handle and less dangerous than bulls, and are not as rough on equipment, nor do they fight as often. You are apt to get more money when selling good steer calves than bull calves. The beef industry and consumers alike favor steer carcasses over bulls because the meat is less lean.
Kris – Do the steers have higher pitched singing voices than bulls?
Ringo – Only when they sing something by the “Cowsills!” Ha Ha Ha, I’ll be here all week.
Kris – Ringo, do rodeo clowns go to a school to learn their trade?
Ringo – A number of schools exist across the US that train rodeo “bullfighters” or clowns. Rodeo clown schools train their students on how to handle animals as well as comedy routines and face-painting skills. The most agile and comedically gifted clowns are assigned as barrel men, who divide their time between working the crowds, getting in the animals’ faces and ducking into barrels to protect themselves.
Kris – If all the students in a Rodeo Clown school are clowns, how do they determine who is the “Class Clown?”
Ringo – I think you should ask “Siri” that question.
Kris – Ringo, how do you prepare “Rocky Mountain Oysters?”
Ringo – First you need to make sure they have been removed from the bull, ha ha ha a little iPhone Assistant humor, put me in Rodeo Clown school and I’d be the class clown. When Mayor Bloomberg visits next year, tell him like sushi, these are a delicacy in Japan when eaten raw. Make sure you have a “Big Gulp” handy for him after he takes the first bite.
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Dear Jimmie –
I read that New York Mayor Bloomberg intends to restrict sales of sugary soft drinks to no more than 16 ounces a cup in city restaurants, movie theaters, stadiums and arenas. My wife and I enjoy plowing through the large combo soda and popcorn at the movies and are afraid these “Nanny State” bureaucrats will continue to erode our freedoms by telling us how to live. I think the Mayor and others need to limit the size of their obese egos. What’s next? A limit on the number of breaths we can take each day?
Popped Off in Prospect
Dear PO’d in Prospect –
I empathize with your anger and frustration regarding this “Nanny State” encroachment. Here’s a health tip: I suggest you leave the butter off of your large popcorn. Then you’ll have room for a box of M&Ms. One of my favorite writers, C.S. Lewis, sums up my feelings on the “Nanny State” enablers with this quote: “Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron’s cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.” With examples like Mayor Bloomberg’s proposal, the LA ban on throwing a football or Frisbee on the beach during the summer and “dodgeball” being banned in many schools gym classes, the situation seems bleak. Unless citizens unite to repeal some of these mandates I think we will continue to see further intrusions. Here are my predictions on what the “Nastys” (Nanny State Yearners) have in mind for us in the future:
– Scores will no longer be kept at sporting events…..no winners or losers, just participants. This will keep high achievers in check and insure everyone’s self esteem isn’t damaged and egos aren’t bruised. I can imagine the Bronco game conversations on Monday mornings at the water cooler. “Did you see Peyton Manning yesterday?” Boy did he come ready to participate, he participated all game, that’s why they got him, he is one of the best participators in the league!”
– Cigarettes will go up to $100 a pack introducing a black market/criminal element into their sale. Smokers will be required to wear special helmets that trap their smoke or can smoke freely in newly designated smoking areas located in abandoned ICBM missile silos across the country.
– Pets will no longer be allowed to be subjugated to wearing a collar or harness while being led by their owners. Both owner and pet will be required to wear the same collar or harness and walk in tandem thus exhibiting equal status. And pets must be given human names like Stu or Mable, cutesy names like Mr. Chips or Princess She-She only cause them self esteem issues.
– Women, and men so inclined, will be forbidden from wearing makeup and getting their hair styled. This will level the playing field for those blessed with good looks and others on the wrong end of the mirror metric. Clowns, actors and aging rock stars can purchase special exemption permits to avoid this restriction. Well gotta go, the only “Nanny” that matters in my life, Ms. St.Vrain, just asked me to give an opinion on her latest hairstyle. Whoever said, “Honesty is the best policy,” must have never experienced the pleasure of matrimonial bliss, they had to be single.
Graduates, as you walk to the podium to accept your “sheepskin,” (now a paper diploma, sheep stopped donating their epidermis by unionizing as the “Brotherhood of Animals Against Diplomas,” BAAD for short) remember the uplifting vision of your future spoken by your Valedictorian, then your other Valedictorian, followed by the next, almost done, just a couple more. Dreaming big is important. I remember one of our high school class mottos was “For Life is a Journey,” a positive message back in my day, decades before facing the prospect of TSA gropings at the airport. I’ll leave the “Big Picture” vision to your Valedictorians and parents. Based on my experience, and the fact that I earned a “mastadonskin,” I’d like to share a few “life lessons” I’ve learned on my journey.
Don’t Embarrass Yourself at Graduation
When you do something stupid at graduation, someone captures it on their cellphone. When someone captures it on their cellphone, they post it on Facebook. When they post it on Facebook and it goes viral, you become the laughingstock to millions of people. When you become the laughingstock to millions of people, you decide to get cosmetic surgery to hide your identity. When you get cosmetic surgery to hide your identity, it can go wrong and make you look like a former pop star. When you look like a former pop star, someone captures it on their cellphone…..don’t embarrass yourself at graduation.
Prove You’re a Thinker by Using the Blinker
Today’s cars are a marvel of engineering with many amazing functional pieces of equipment. One functional piece of equipment that comes standard with each vehicle is called a “blinker.” It is usually located on the steering wheel column and it allows you to signal to other drivers that you are making a left or right turn or changing lanes. Once you get used to using your blinker, you might grow to enjoy the “blinker tone,” click..click…click. Folks my age and older sometimes like the blinker tone so much, we leave our blinker on long after we’ve made our turns or changed lanes. Other friendly, helpful drivers pass and give us a gesture reminding us that our blinker is still on.
Mattress Rebel
Until recently, most mattress tags contained the scary statement that removing the tag was illegal and punishable by law. If you do have a mattress with a tag that you want to remove, feel free. The Federal Government has eliminated the Department of Mattress Tag Enforcement to allocate more resources to the GSA and Secret Service party planning and female escort initiatives.
High School Reunions
Now that high school will be in your rear-view mirror, you get to look forward to reunions. Each of them has a different vibe and feel. Since my next reunion will be the 40 Year, I’m guessing what my experience will be at the 40th – 70th .
10 Year – The “Peacock” Reunion. Show off vibe. Typical conversations revolve around money, status, perfect wife and kids, exotic vacations.
20 Year – The “Beaver” Reunion. Busy with career and family obligations, forget serious stuff for a night and enjoy the moment vibe. Typical conversations revolve around how lame the 10 Year Reunion was, mortgage, sick kids, 2nd wife, boss sucks, politics, found a grey hair last week.
30 Year – The “Dolphin” Reunion. Communal, who cares what you were like in high school vibe. Typical conversations revolve around diets, how lame the next generation is, how lame you were in high school, hobbies. Have you tried the guacamole? It’s great!
40 Year – The “Elephant” Reunion. Remember when vibe. Typical conversations revolve around classmates who have passed away. What was your name again? I’m going to need an Advil IV after dancing the “Funky Chicken.”
50 – 70 Year – The “Bear” Reunion. We hibernate most nights at home vibe. Typical conversations revolve around how many classmates will show, how lame the next 2 generations are, why are the drinks so expensive, wished I would have grown my hair down to my shoulders back in the day.Well gotta go, just saw a “Hair Club for Men” commercial and they say I could have shoulder length hair! Nah better not; it would just get in my eyes when I’m doing the “Funky Chicken!”
I’ve heard from reliable sources that RTD and Warren Buffett will be holding a joint news conference today to make a monumental announcement related to “FasTracks.” Buffett’s company, Berkshire Hathaway owns BNSF railroad. As you may or may not know, a major issue causing the delay in RTD building our rail service has been costs for the Northwest Corridor rail have exploded. Originally anticipated to cost about $900 million, that ballooned to at least $1.4 billion after a review by the BNSF railroad — and mandate by the rail company that RTD pay $250 million up front to buy “operating windows” on the line in perpetuity, rather than pay a smaller amount on an annual basis. BNSF also now insists that the existing track be re-built and that a second track be built along the whole route to Longmont, as well as additional sidetracks and sophisticated signal systems. BNSF maintains that these additional improvements are required by new federal regulations which were required due to the fairly recent crash of a commuter train in Los Angeles. My source tells me that Buffett received and was so moved by the following letter from six year old Timmy Tuqute who attends Mountain View Elementary school in Longmont, that he has decided to help make commuter rail service a reality for us and will announce that today.
Dear Mr. Warren –
How are you? I am fine? My name is Timmy Tuqute. I am six years old and live in Longmont, Colorado. Denver is our capital. I go to school at Mountain View Elementary and am in the Kindergarden grade. My teacher is Ms. Summer Fields. Ms. Fields told us earlier in the year that someday we would be able to ride a train from Longmont to Boulder to Denver and we would be helping to save the “vironment.” I was excited to heard this, since I have a pet frog named “Warts” and he has never been anywhere but Longmont. On the train I could take “Warts” in his mobile condo box to the Denver Zoo to see his relatives and the train would help me get around since I can’t drive a car yet like my older brother Bobby, but you can call him by my nickname for him which is “Snot.” I’m writing this letter to see if you could help us get the train in Longmont. My Dad Stu says the rail line to Longmont is “hosed” because the RTB couldn’t manage a lemonade stand and you own the BNSF railroad and tracks where our train would run. He said you have more money than God, (I thought God had all the money) and want to give more of your money to someone called “Uncle Sam” anyway. My Dad Stu said you need to put your money where you mouth is, I put a penny in my mouth once and it tasted yucky, worse than the pebbles I used to put in my mouth. Maybe you would want to help us out so we could get our railroad line and I could take “Warts” to the Denver Zoo. My Mom Pam tells my Dad Stu to get a life and quit listening to someone call “Rush Limburger.” Anyway, Mr. Warren, all the other kids in my class thought it would be cool to ride the train, except for my girlfriend “Iget Notius.” If you want to help, I’ll let you pet “Warts” and will tell my Dad Stu to apologize for calling you the “Orifice from Omaha.”
Your Friend,
Timmy
Out of the mouths of babes, maybe we need to appeal to Warren Buffett to be a a philanthropist in the mode of a Carnegie or Rockefeller to help us realize the dream of rail service from Longmont. He holds the strings to BNSF. Who know maybe there’s a “Timmy Tuqute” out their that could strike an emotional cord with him. Anyway, Happy April 1st!
reality show –n
a television show in which members of the public or celebrities are filmed living their everyday lives or undertaking specific challenges
Need more drama or stress in your life? Your reality getting you down, how about tuning in to someone else’s reality? There’s a show for you, from Southern swamps to Manhattan boardrooms you can live vicariously through folks stuck in the “MUD” (made up drama) or experiencing some of the “Seven Deadly Sins:” Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Acedia (Dejection), Wrath, Envy, Pride, Vainglory. What you might have missed are some of the reality show pilots that didn’t make the network series cut for one reason or another:
The Wisconsin “Squeeze” Heads
Dairy farmers Swen and Olaf Swedlund’s travails running a 75-head cow operation with their pet pig, “Sir Francis Bacon.” Swen is the most gregarious, talkative character, followed by the pig, then Olaf. The pilot showed the boys getting up before the roosters, doing their chores while Swen does his hilarious rapid fire barnyard shtick. “What goes oo ooo oooo?” asks Swen. “A cow with no lips!” This cracks up Sir Francis Bacon, who grunts approvingly. Olaf just rolls his eyes. This pilot was well received and had a real chance to get a weekly slot, it evoked memories of the 1960’s series, “Green Acres.” Unfortunately a tragic accident shut it down. A PETA protester crept into the barn and tried to sabotage the automatic milking machinery and ended up causing a huge explosion that creamed the protester and caused “udder” destruction.
American Idle
The show looking for the the most slothful, lazy, couch potato layin-Gameboy playin-not mowin the lawn-all they do is yawn, person in the country. Contestant videos are played for the audience and judges to determine the “Idle” winner. Judges for the pilot were: Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton and the Federal Government’s Corruption and Conflict of Interest Czar. The show was doomed after the pilot showed a clip of a 35 year old guy living at home playing video games all day and complaining when his mother who just had a double knee replacement brings home the wrong flavor of Cheese Doodles. The network execs turned thumbs down, it’s not nice to disparage Mom with two new knees over your stinkin choice of cheese!
Road Warrior Chefs
Hate to see any food wasted, well you’re of the same mind as the chefs who drive the highways and byways searching for the unfortunate critters that got in the way of the rubber meeting the road. The chefs brought in a selection they found from the “Roadway Pantry” and whip up a dish in 1 hour that went before the judges for the taste test. The judges were people hungry for their first shot at fame. “You wouldn’t eat road kill would you?” The pilot featured an especially tasty dish created by one of the chefs called, “Squashed Possum Fricassee.” Every judge loved the presentation, plating, sauce and all commented that it tasted a lot like chicken. The show was canceled after the pilot when it was discovered that a protester for PETDA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Dead Animals) was out on a highway one of the chefs was on and got hit by a rendering truck.
Well gotta go, I’m working on a reality show idea to submit about a conservative libertarian living in Boulder that decides to run for Boulder County Commissioner who gets a chance for an open exchange of ideas and honest representations in the People’s Republic Press. On second thought, this idea would probably be a better fit on the remake of “Fantasy Island.”
Dear Jimmie –
I’ve been reading that squirrels are chewing people’s car wiring. I park on the street and was more worried about someone breaking into my car and stealing my stereo or my Barry Manilow CD collection. Should I now add squirrels munching on my wires as something to fret about?
Ima Wurywort
Dear Ima –
First off, let me state, I’m sorry anyone has had their vehicle wires chewed by any animal and I can guarantee your Barry Manilow CD collection is safe. As for squirrels chewing your wiring, I would think there’s a greater chance a pack of wolverines descend on your home, kick you out and hold a Super Bowl party while swilling “Bud Light.” Sure squirrels have been called ‘tree rats” and “Dunlop dodgers.” From my experience squirrels are usually fixated on collecting nuts for the winter, raiding bird feeders, grooming or acting like Charlie Sheen after numerous cups of coffee and cigarettes. I think there is a rodentia conspiracy going on to cast squirrels in a negative light. I believe jealous woodchucks (groundhogs) and prairie dogs have gotten together via the “RodentiaNet” and conspired to attach squirrel tail disguises and then munch on car wires. It’s well know that both woodchucks (groundhogs) and prairie dogs are jealous of the favorable treatment squirrels have received in the media. Consider the cartoon Rocky and Bullwinkle, Rocky is a flying squirrel, the “National Lampoon Christmas Vacation” movie squirrel that leaps from the tree onto Clark Griswold, “Hammy” from the animated movie “Over the Hedge.” How many respectful woodchuck (groundhog) or prairie dog media representations have you seen? The woodchuck (groundhog) population has to have their fur up about the annual ritual one of their own, “Punxsutawney Phil” has to endure on February 2. Who cares if it’s cloudy and Phil comes out of his burrow (winter to end soon), or it’s sunny and he sees his shadow and (six more weeks of winter), the ceremony is the same year after year, hey what a great theme for a movie…..what should it be called? The sing-songey poem doesn’t help either, “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? As much wood as a woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could chuck wood.”Prairie dogs also have a serious case of squirrel envy built up, what media figure of their clan can they feel positive about and how many people would let them cavort and run around in their back yards? I’ve read about the antidotes to so-called squirrel attacks on wiring, including fox urine and extreme hot sauce. I would think these antidotes would keep the squirrel impostors at bay, but might encourage vampires or zombies. If you’re still concerned about your vehicle wires being the main course here’s some possible actions to ward off the toothy terrors: I got the first 2 from a site on the internet, http://www.ehow.com/how_2352894_rid-woodchucks garden.HTML, the 3rd one is mine:
11 1.Place garden ornaments, pinwheels, balloons, beach balls or shopping bags that move with the wind and make noise around the vehicle. This may scare the woodchuck or prairie dog away.
2.Try ammonia-soaked rags hanging from posts, mothballs scattered around the outside, or cayenne pepper spray throughout the vehicle and perimeter. Of course all of these require upkeep in order to be effective at keeping the critters away.
3.Get a portable CD player that you can set to play in “repeat mode.” Position the player under your vehicle’s hood and play any Barry Manilow CD from your collection while the vehicle is parked. Guaranteed to keep woodchucks (groundhogs), prairie dogs, vampires and zombies miles away.
Everywhere you turn this time of year is a 2011 Year in Review. This rehashing of the top stories while interesting, poses no risk for the word jockey. The trapeze without the net act involves making predictions for 2012. Niels Bohr – Danish Atomic Physicist and or Yogi Berra – American Baseball Player/Philosopher stated; “Prediction is very hard, especially about the Future.” Here’s my local prognostications: (Disclaimer: These predictions have a margin of error of +/- 0 to100%)
Vance Brand Airport Noise
The constant annoying droning of the CQS (Citizens for Quiet Skies) crowd finally pays off and Airport officials ban the use of the Mile High Skydiving aircraft. Instead a 2,000 ft tower with jumping platform is constructed with an elevator, relegating the skydivers to basically BASE jumpers. So the noise nanny’s get their way while the skydivers get the “shaft.” A few months after the ban the CQS folks start complaining about the eery silence, the quiet gives them too much time to hear themselves think.
RTD “Take a Hike”
Longmonters opt out of the RTD (Really Terrible Decisions) program, determined to work with a private company to get a real mass transit system. The final “back of the bus” moment happened when RTD decided to implement “rickshaw” service in lieu local buses and one Regional route to Denver per day starting at 6am arriving at 10am after 30 stops. RTD spokesman, Nowe Cant cheerily opined, “the 4 hour trek would allow riders to read papers, relax prior to work or write their thesis.” The “Slow-Tracks” light rail service would be extended to Longmont in 2040 and cost an additional $50 billion dollars…$60 billion if permanent seating was chosen over folding metal chairs in the light rail cars.
Butterball Plant
Monsanto Corporation decides to buy the Butterball plant complex as part of their GMO (Genetically Modified Organism) seed research and production division. During the ribbon cutting ceremony, 100 anti-GMO protesters armed with only 5 rotten “organic” tomatoes (due to cost) hurl them at the Monsanto entourage.
St Vrain County
“When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands that have connected them with another……” A groundswell of support bubbles up for Longmont and surrounding areas to secede from Boulder County and form a new “St Vrain County” after it’s discovered that the Boulder County Commissioners have purchased a parcel of land for $2 million dollars designated as “Open Space” but formerly designated as Commissioner Ben Pearlman’s house. Commissioner Pearlman became Country Attorney Pearlman after performing the “secret” handshake in front of the other 2 Commissioners and voting for a 3rd Boulder County 150th Anniversary sculpture to join the Hawk and Butterfly sculptures displayed in the Boulder County Courthouse Plaza. This sculpture is titled, “Flipping Bird to Longmont.”
World Ending 12/21/2012
Unless you’ve been living in a cave (could be a good thing if the next prediction happens), you’ve probably heard that according the the ancient Mayan Calendar the “End of Days” is supposed to happen on December 21, 2012. Recent research has indicated the date may be off by 50 to 100 years. “Whew….that’s a load lifted, guess I can go ahead and prepay my Times-Call subscription into 2013!” I predict the true date for the world ending will be the date the show, “Jersey Shore” wins an Emmy.
Well gotta go, my wife just made a 100% accurate prediction related to a snow shovel, a driveway and a husband! Happy New Year!!
Top 9.9 Reasons I Can’t Occupy Wall Street
The Occupy Wall Street movement has gotten 99% of the news coverage lately. I’m just glad “smell-o-vision” hasn’t become a reality (the next big video thing after 3-D) when the reporters broadcast from the field the latest demand from the tent-acles……the banning of any video, photos or artists rendering of Donald Trump’s hair, after it’s been lacquered, pomaded, sprayed or flash-frozen to his head. I think this is one demand I could “plug” (hair term), because I’m follicly challenged and jealous. The US has a storied history of successful protest movements, including Women’s Suffrage, the Civil Rights movement and the movement to ban playing of Billy Ray Cyrus’s song “Achy Breaky Heart “ at weddings or sporting events. Call me a selfish capitalist, but here are the “Top 9.9 Reasons I Can’t Occupy Wall Street.”
1. Tie-Dyed Clothes
I’ve noticed a lot of the OWS folks have gone with a retro 60’s/70’s tie-dyed fashion look. Well I look horrible in tie-dye, doesn’t agree with my skin tone and makes me look like a large psychedelic Yard Gnome.
2. Camping
I don’t do well sleeping in a tent. When my wife and I pickup camped for a couple nights touring South Dakota a year ago, I whined about not being comfortable, hearing noises, bathroom hikes, couldn’t sleep. She had her fill of my sob story and considered leaving me at the “bad” part of the “Badlands” or stranded at the “Prairie Dog Village.”
3. Drums
I like a good drum solo by Buddy Rich or Ginger Baker, but constant pounding by indigenous native wannabes would drive me to pour hot candle wax into my ears to seal out the noise…Reminds of a joke: What’s the last thing a drummer says in a band? “Hey guys, why don’t we try one of my songs?”
4. Human Microphone Chant Backs
Many municipalities require a permit for electronic amplified devices, so the OWS folks have groups repeat what a single speaker says, a “human microphone” if you will. I am seldom serious, so I couldn’t be trusted to repeat back exactly what was said. For instance, say Al Gore pays a visit and the group leader says, “It’s Mr. Gore, my that’s a nifty Nobel Prize?” To which I’d probably repeat, “It’s Mr. Bore, why does he have shifty no tell eyes?”
5. Horrible Penmanship
I’ve noticed a lot of sign making going on at the OWS sites. My penmanship resembles something a monkey tried to draw using an “Etch-a-Sketch”, only worse. Any sign I’d make would probably confuse people on what I was demanding…..come to think of it, maybe I’d fit right in.
6. Personal Hygiene
I don’t mean my favorite spot in the little town west of us…..I’m talking about a shower, preferably hot and every few days.
7. Hockey Fix
I haven’t seen any “big screens” broadcasting sporting events at the OWS sites. If I don’t get to watch 2-3 hockey games a week, I start to lose my craving for Canadian bacon, Labatts beer and socialized medicine. “Eh hoser?“
8. Allergic to Pepper Spray and Tear Gas
I don’t know about you, but pepper spray and tear gas bother my eyes and the police don’t lose fights, enough said.
9. Picky Eater
Sure the communal eating experience can build camaraderie, but I lost the desire to do it every day back in the High School cafeteria during the last Ice Age, when Brontosaurus burgers were the rage.
9.9 Occupy a Job
Some of us gotta work and I feel for the people that are having trouble finding any. There are times I’d like to pull the ejector handle on my job. But things like paying the mortgage, insurance, food and utilities, you know the luxuries, wake me up from dream world land.
“Well, gotta go,” my wife just yelled down to me, “Come eat dinner!” Listen to this….”Did you say, you need to be thinner!” hahaha….No I said, “ I wish I would have left you at the Prairie Dog village!”
(Theme used from “A Christmas Carol” by Charles Dickens)
The night was darker than daytime and the moon hovered like a bright white aspirin (the tablet kind not the capsule) as I pulled into the Twin Peaks Mall parking lot, or the “House of Blight.” Little did I know I’d drop that label of scorn before the night passed. I entered the West side main entrance, having not passed through these doors since Lady GaGa was Baby GaGa. I moved into the main body of the Mall, surprised by the number of retailers still trying to survive, including Dillards, Sears, other clothing and shoe stores, jewelry, specialty stores and Victoria’s Secret (always felt weird accompanying my wife into the store, like I better not gaze at anything/anyone and for goodness sake don’t touch any silky smooth thing!) Talked to a few retailers about the Mall’s decline, they mentioned; the economy, mall upgrades needed, Ownership/City slow dance. This walking/talking made me weary, I needed to sit, so I found a bench near the security guard station. “Ah that’s better, I’ll just rest here a while……….” I felt a tapping on my shoulder and did the “electric jerk awake”. A guy with glasses holding a clipboard and “Marley” on a name tag jumped back. I thought, “geez not one of those Marketing Survey people, I’m trapped.” Usually I could dash to the other side of the Mall or have that, my house is on fire and I have to leave now look on my face to escape! Marley had no survey questions, but wanted to show me something. He led me past the empty Food Court, former kids play area and around the corner to the main Mall walkwa…….the Mall was packed! Christmas decorations hung, every store occupied. I looked at Marley and he said “I’m the Ghost of Mall Past. I wanted you to see what this Mall once was, everyone came here to shop, dine, view local artists work, meet friends. What once was can be again.” He led me back to my bench, past scores of kids waiting to get their picture taken with Santa. I dozed again and felt another tapping on my shoulder, I awoke saying “Marley what now”, the clipboard carrying person said, “I’m not Marley, I’m Bob, come with me, you need to see this”. He walked me out the Mall’s main entrance and panned his arm from North to South asking what I saw. I said, “a handful of cars” He replied “it’s the weekend, this lot used to be full.” We walked back inside to the office of one of the retailers who was looking at his latest financial statement, agonizing over how he’s going to survive if customers and sales don’t pick up. “I’m the Ghost of Mall Present”. I wanted you to understand what retailers face in this Mall today.” I was back at my bench, eyelids heavy….. Another tapping on my shoulder. A voice behind me said, “Mister, back here.” Another clipboard carrying guy with a name tag that said “Tim” stood behind the bench. I remarked, “Tim, you’re tiny!” He said, “yeah like I haven’t heard that before, follow me.” He led me to the far South end of the Mall into a huge indoor ice arena. Hockey kids were working on their outlet passes, while figure skaters practiced their jumps on the other rink. We went back North past a Whole Foods Store, continuing past crowds to a large stadium seating movie theater and numerous stores in an open, glass filled Mall with views West to the mountains. Tim said, “I’m the Ghost of the Mall Yet to Come, you needed to see what is possible if you look forward”. I was back at the bench, nodding off, another shoulder tap, “what!” The security guard hovering over me said, “sir, you were snoring with your mouth open and scared away a couple of our mall-walkers….hell hath no fury like disrupted mall-walkers!” I apologized, got up, walking past Victoria’s Secret to leave. I stopped and thought, “I know Victoria’s Secret!” This Mall took a fall, but will be rebound and impress us all!
The Friday, April 10, 2009 TC front page read: “Tunnel Vision – Residents debate fate of airport prairie dogs.” Opinions varied on solutions to the prairie dogs “digging” their Airport homes a little too much. One opinion I found “buried” in the story stated, “I would suggest that there are those that have such a deep hatred of prairie dogs, that in their view, the only good prairie dog is a dead prairie dog,” arguing that people need to co-exist with the animals. “If there are those who feel this way, let them stew in their own juice or rant in their blogs and on the T-C Line!” Well I don’t know about “stewing in my own juice”(I gave that up for Lent), but I do have a solution to this problem. Why don’t we relocate the prairie dogs to the backyards of some of the “Co-Existing” crowd? Here are some of the benefits they would realize from really “co-existing”with the cuddly varmints: They wouldn’t have to pay someone to “aerate” their yards this Spring, Their neighbors could enjoy a game of miniature golf, I can guarantee they’ll have at least 18 holes. The neighbor kids could enjoy a rousing game of “Whack-a-Dog”, remember to use the Styrofoam hammers! During Christmas Season, they could dress the little “Hole in the Wall” gang up in Charles Dickens Period costumes, teach them to sing, then take them caroling around the neighborhood. I suggest they open with, O “Hole”y Night.” Besides realizing these benefits, they would be keeping us taxpayers from “throwing money down a rat hole”, and show us “stewers and ranters” how easy it is to “co-exist” with the prairie dogs. For the record, I love my dog and fish!
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