“The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.”                                                                          Anonymous

My how time flies, and it’s usually in “coach.” Seems like it’s only been 12 months or maybe a year since I did the 2016 Predictions. So many things could happen next year, I’ve narrowed it down to a few I think will happen, using similar computer modeling/polling techniques that experts used to predict the recent presidential election.

GMO’s On BC Open Space – The Apparat-chicks (Boulder County Commissioners) crafted a phase out plan of GMO crops over the next few years because they know, for instance, anyone eating GMO corn chowder at Aunt Tilly’s could have a coughing spell and a bald, salamander like creature explodes out of their chest, like in the movie “Alien.” This could be embarrassing for that person and hurtful to Aunt Tilly when the guests then decline to eat her apple pie, worried it’s sweetened from GMO sugar beets. Next year, the Apparat-chicks will also require farmer/clients forego the use of fossil powered machinery and substitute with implements pulled by cattle, oxen or horses to reduce carbon emissions. Because beasts of burden have a habit of releasing methane into the atmosphere, farmers will also be required to attach a posterior limiting odor preventer (PLOP) on each animal and have them registered and stamped with emission stickers.

Village at the Peaks Additions – Speaking of emissions or omissions, who needs Macy’s or Nordstroms? I predict the mall stewards, New Mark Merrill, piggybacking on the highly popular presidential candidates will court and land a hybrid high end clothing retailer specializing in pant suits and toupees called “Pant and Pate.” They’ll also add an additional food court entity called “What a Waste Green” that will collect uneaten fast food around Longmont each night and blend with kale to produce a tasty shake for purchase the following day, thus jumping on the cities “sustainability” band wagon.

City Golf Courses – With millions needed to upgrade aging city golf course infrastructure, declining participation and too many courses, the City Council and Mayor decide to remove 50% of the grass from the fairways on all city courses and replace it with prairie dog colonies. Golfers will be required to use biodegradable balls made of non-GMO plant material and any golfer striking a prairie dog with their shot or saying non-respectful things to them like “you’re just a greasy little rodent at the bottom of the food chain,” will be subjected to a $100 dollar fine and be required to attend restorative justice sessions on animal cruelty for 90 days. Golf Course Rangers will be monitoring and wearing hats that say, “Prairie Dog Pal.”

Curbside Composting – The city begins voluntary curbside compost pick-up next year with the “Loco for Composting” slogan which might evolve into “Hold Nose for Composting” when carts are steaming in the summer sun. As a helpful reminder, your compost cart can contain the following items: meat & bones (except any prehistoric type remains discovered when digging underneath your garden gnome), leftovers (except any GMO based food and candy corn, which has a shelf life of 1,000 years), paper towels (should use first before discarding), shredded paper (except any documents labeled US Government “Confidential”), yard waste (except the trampoline your kids no longer use), and facial tissues (as opposed to other bodily tissues, please consult your physician if unsure). Well gotta go, be careful around that GMO, HoHoH

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado.        He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.