Cue: “Theme from Dragnet”
This is the city, Longmont Colorado, population around 90,000. Once a sleepy little agricultural community, it has evolved into a vibrant city on the move. You can find most anything to eat, drink or smoke and don’t worry about wearing the latest fashions, people in Longmont don’t obsess on shopping for clothes. Most Longmonters work hard and only expect a fair shake in return. They are a generous people willing to help others in need and are a trusting lot until they’ve been flim-flammed. When that happens, I go to work, I wear a badge. It was Wednesday April 12th. It was warm in Longmont. We were working the day watch out of Robbery Division on Fox Hill. My partner is Dom DeBoston, I’m Fryday, Joe Fryday. I’d received a call from numerous victims saying they had voluntarily agreed to be taxed in 2004 to pay for a train line from Longmont-Boulder-Denver to an operation called RTD (Regional Transportation District). RTD now says their cost estimates were wrong and no train is feasible until after 2040, but they still collect the tax and have used the revenue for other projects in Denver while Longmonter’s are left standing at the station. The story you are about to hear is mostly true. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.Officer DeBoston and I arranged a meeting at Denver RTD Headquarters with spokesperson Ima Fibber. We arrived at the RTD office after a short stop to allow Officer DeBoston to inspect a fire hydrant. Ms. Fibber met us at the door and led us to a conference room.
Ms. Fibber: “I hope your drive was pleasant. Does your, ahem dog, “partner” like to ride in the car?”
Fryday: “We would have preferred to take a train, but I guess that’s not happening for a while. Officer DeBoston does just fine in the car. Sometimes I let him drive when I need to fill out reports.”
Ms. Fibber: “Oh, how nice. You said on the phone, people in Longmont enlisted your help to investigate the Northwest Train Project. You also used words like racketeering and Ponzi scheme, which seem harsh and untruthful. Situations outside of our control, like Burlington Northern Railroad inflating their track usage rate and the Great Recession tied our hands. What do you want from me?”
Fryday: “Just the facts ma’am. Officer DeBoston has a favorite saying, “Don’t tinkle down my back and tell me it’s raining.” I don’t blame you, it’s the people at the top that really frost my cookies. If your excuses are valid, why didn’t you escrow the tax money you extorted from Longmont so they could look at possible private rail options instead of subsidizing your more favored Denver lines. I know why, because RTD is a bloated self-interested government monopoly, taxpayers be damned. It’s turned into a PR organization, overhyping new offerings and changing definitions to give an illusion of progress. Longmonters believed your sales pitch for a train to make their commute easier, attending a ballgame simpler or visiting a relative in Denver safer. How do you sleep at night when your actions are worse than an illegal crime syndicate? Everyone knows up-front that the syndicate is dishonest, but RTD hides behind the facade of a so-called honest government entity working for the people.
Ms. Fibber: “We’re looking to ease Longmont’s pain over this issue.”
Fryday: “How’s that?”
Ms. Fibber: “We might add them to the BRT (Bus Rapid Transit) line to Boulder then Denver. These buses have really cool new paint and USB ports!”
Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont public schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.
This subject can’t get enough attention. I particularly liked the incorporation of our four legged friend as Officer DeBoston, and reference to tinkling down you back. Well done!