Top 9.9 Reasons I Can’t Occupy Wall Street

The Occupy Wall Street movement has gotten 99% of the news coverage lately. I’m just glad “smell-o-vision” hasn’t become a reality (the next big video thing after 3-D) when the reporters broadcast from the field the latest demand from the tent-acles……the banning of any video, photos or artists rendering of Donald Trump’s hair, after it’s been lacquered, pomaded, sprayed or flash-frozen to his head. I think this is one demand I could “plug” (hair term), because I’m follicly challenged and jealous. The US has a storied history of successful protest movements, including Women’s Suffrage, the Civil Rights movement and the movement to ban playing of Billy Ray Cyrus’s song “Achy Breaky Heart “ at weddings or sporting events. Call me a selfish capitalist, but here are the “Top 9.9 Reasons I Can’t Occupy Wall Street.”

1. Tie-Dyed Clothes
I’ve noticed a lot of the OWS folks have gone with a retro 60’s/70’s tie-dyed fashion look. Well I look horrible in tie-dye, doesn’t agree with my skin tone and makes me look like a large psychedelic Yard Gnome.
2. Camping
I don’t do well sleeping in a tent. When my wife and I pickup camped for a couple nights touring South Dakota a year ago, I whined about not being comfortable, hearing noises, bathroom hikes, couldn’t sleep. She had her fill of my sob story and considered leaving me at the “bad” part of the “Badlands” or stranded at the “Prairie Dog Village.”
3. Drums
I like a good drum solo by Buddy Rich or Ginger Baker, but constant pounding by indigenous native wannabes would drive me to pour hot candle wax into my ears to seal out the noise…Reminds of a joke: What’s the last thing a drummer says in a band? “Hey guys, why don’t we try one of my songs?”
4. Human Microphone Chant Backs
Many municipalities require a permit for electronic amplified devices, so the OWS folks have groups repeat what a single speaker says, a “human microphone” if you will. I am seldom serious, so I couldn’t be trusted to repeat back exactly what was said. For instance, say Al Gore pays a visit and the group leader says, “It’s Mr. Gore, my that’s a nifty Nobel Prize?” To which I’d probably repeat, “It’s Mr. Bore, why does he have shifty no tell eyes?”
5. Horrible Penmanship
I’ve noticed a lot of sign making going on at the OWS sites. My penmanship resembles something a monkey tried to draw using an “Etch-a-Sketch”, only worse. Any sign I’d make would probably confuse people on what I was demanding…..come to think of it, maybe I’d fit right in.
6. Personal Hygiene
I don’t mean my favorite spot in the little town west of us…..I’m talking about a shower, preferably hot and every few days.
7. Hockey Fix
I haven’t seen any “big screens” broadcasting sporting events at the OWS sites. If I don’t get to watch 2-3 hockey games a week, I start to lose my craving for Canadian bacon, Labatts beer and socialized medicine. “Eh hoser?“
8. Allergic to Pepper Spray and Tear Gas
I don’t know about you, but pepper spray and tear gas bother my eyes and the police don’t lose fights, enough said.
9. Picky Eater
Sure the communal eating experience can build camaraderie, but I lost the desire to do it every day back in the High School cafeteria during the last Ice Age, when Brontosaurus burgers were the rage.
9.9 Occupy a Job
Some of us gotta work and I feel for the people that are having trouble finding any. There are times I’d like to pull the ejector handle on my job. But things like paying the mortgage, insurance, food and utilities, you know the luxuries, wake me up from dream world land.

“Well, gotta go,” my wife just yelled down to me, “Come eat dinner!” Listen to this….”Did you say, you need to be thinner!” hahaha….No I said, “ I wish I would have left you at the Prairie Dog village!”