Dear Jimmie –

I’ve been reading that squirrels are chewing people’s car wiring. I park on the street and was more worried about someone breaking into my car and stealing my stereo or my Barry Manilow CD collection. Should I now add squirrels munching on my wires as something to fret about?

Ima Wurywort

Dear Ima –

First off, let me state, I’m sorry anyone has had their vehicle wires chewed by any animal and I can guarantee your Barry Manilow CD collection is safe. As for squirrels chewing your wiring, I would think there’s a greater chance a pack of wolverines descend on your home, kick you out and hold a Super Bowl party while swilling “Bud Light.”  Sure squirrels have been called ‘tree rats” and  “Dunlop dodgers.” From my experience squirrels are usually fixated on collecting nuts for the winter, raiding bird feeders, grooming or acting like Charlie Sheen after numerous cups of coffee and cigarettes. I think there is a rodentia conspiracy going on to cast squirrels in a negative light. I believe jealous woodchucks (groundhogs) and prairie dogs have gotten together via the “RodentiaNet” and conspired to attach squirrel tail disguises and then munch on car wires. It’s well know that both woodchucks (groundhogs) and prairie dogs are jealous of the favorable treatment squirrels have received in the media. Consider the cartoon Rocky and Bullwinkle, Rocky is a flying squirrel, the  “National Lampoon Christmas Vacation” movie squirrel that leaps from the tree onto Clark Griswold, “Hammy” from the animated movie “Over the Hedge.” How many respectful woodchuck (groundhog) or prairie dog media representations have you seen?  The woodchuck (groundhog) population has to have their fur up about the annual ritual one of their own, “Punxsutawney Phil” has to endure on February 2. Who cares if it’s cloudy and Phil comes out of his burrow (winter to end soon), or it’s sunny and he sees his shadow and (six more weeks of winter), the ceremony is the same year after year, hey what a great theme for a movie…..what should it be called?  The sing-songey poem doesn’t help either, “How much wood
 would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? As much wood
 as a woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could chuck wood.”Prairie dogs also have a serious case of squirrel envy built up, what media figure of their clan can they feel positive about and how many people would let them cavort and run around in their back yards? I’ve read about the antidotes to so-called squirrel attacks on wiring, including fox urine and extreme hot sauce. I would think these antidotes would keep the squirrel impostors at bay, but might encourage vampires or zombies. If you’re still concerned about your vehicle wires being the main course here’s some possible actions to ward off the toothy terrors: I got the first 2 from a site on the internet, http://www.ehow.com/how_2352894_rid-woodchucks garden.HTML, the 3rd one is mine:

11 1.Place garden ornaments, pinwheels, balloons, beach balls or shopping bags that move with the wind and make noise around the vehicle. This may scare the woodchuck or prairie dog away.
2.Try ammonia-soaked rags hanging from posts, mothballs scattered around the outside, or cayenne pepper spray throughout the vehicle and perimeter. Of course all of these require upkeep in order to be effective at keeping the critters away.
3.Get a portable CD player that you can set to play in “repeat mode.” Position the player under your vehicle’s hood and play any Barry Manilow CD from your collection while the vehicle is parked. Guaranteed to keep woodchucks (groundhogs), prairie dogs, vampires and zombies miles away.