reality show –n
a television show in which members of the public or celebrities are filmed living their everyday lives or undertaking specific challenges

Need more drama or stress in your life? Your reality getting you down, how about tuning in to someone else’s reality? There’s a show for you, from Southern swamps to Manhattan boardrooms you can live vicariously through folks stuck in the “MUD” (made up drama) or experiencing some of the “Seven Deadly Sins:” Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Acedia (Dejection), Wrath, Envy, Pride, Vainglory. What you might have missed are some of the reality show pilots that didn’t make the network series cut for one reason or another:
The Wisconsin “Squeeze” Heads
Dairy farmers Swen and Olaf Swedlund’s travails running a 75-head cow operation with their pet pig, “Sir Francis Bacon.” Swen is the most gregarious, talkative character, followed by the pig, then Olaf. The pilot showed the boys getting up before the roosters, doing their chores while Swen does his hilarious rapid fire barnyard shtick. “What goes oo ooo oooo?” asks Swen. “A cow with no lips!” This cracks up Sir Francis Bacon, who grunts approvingly. Olaf just rolls his eyes. This pilot was well received and had a real chance to get a weekly slot, it evoked memories of the 1960’s series, “Green Acres.” Unfortunately a tragic accident shut it down. A PETA protester crept into the barn and tried to sabotage the automatic milking machinery and ended up causing a huge explosion that creamed the protester and caused “udder” destruction.
American Idle
The show looking for the the most slothful, lazy, couch potato layin-Gameboy playin-not mowin the lawn-all they do is yawn, person in the country. Contestant videos are played for the audience and judges to determine the “Idle” winner. Judges for the pilot were: Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton and the Federal Government’s Corruption and Conflict of Interest Czar. The show was doomed after the pilot showed a clip of a 35 year old guy living at home playing video games all day and complaining when his mother who just had a double knee replacement brings home the wrong flavor of Cheese Doodles. The network execs turned thumbs down, it’s not nice to disparage Mom with two new knees over your stinkin choice of cheese!
Road Warrior Chefs
Hate to see any food wasted, well you’re of the same mind as the chefs who drive the highways and byways searching for the unfortunate critters that got in the way of the rubber meeting the road. The chefs brought in a selection they found from the “Roadway Pantry” and whip up a dish in 1 hour that went before the judges for the taste test. The judges were people hungry for their first shot at fame. “You wouldn’t eat road kill would you?” The pilot featured an especially tasty dish created by one of the chefs called, “Squashed Possum Fricassee.” Every judge loved the presentation, plating, sauce and all commented that it tasted a lot like chicken. The show was canceled after the pilot when it was discovered that a protester for PETDA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Dead Animals) was out on a highway one of the chefs was on and got hit by a rendering truck.

Well gotta go, I’m working on a reality show idea to submit about a conservative libertarian living in Boulder that decides to run for Boulder County Commissioner who gets a chance for an open exchange of ideas and honest representations in the People’s Republic Press. On second thought, this idea would probably be a better fit on the remake of “Fantasy Island.”