Graduates, as you walk to the podium to accept your “sheepskin,” (now a paper diploma, sheep stopped donating their epidermis by unionizing as the “Brotherhood of Animals Against Diplomas,” BAAD for short) remember the uplifting vision of your future spoken by your Valedictorian, then your other Valedictorian, followed by the next, almost done, just a couple more. Dreaming big is important. I remember one of our high school class mottos was “For Life is a Journey,” a positive message back in my day,  decades before facing the prospect of TSA gropings at the airport. I’ll leave the “Big Picture” vision to your Valedictorians and parents. Based on my experience, and the fact that I earned a “mastadonskin,” I’d like to share a few “life lessons” I’ve learned on my journey.
Don’t Embarrass Yourself at Graduation
When you do something stupid at graduation, someone captures it on their cellphone. When someone captures it on their cellphone, they post it on Facebook. When they post it on Facebook and it goes viral, you become the laughingstock to millions of people. When you become the laughingstock to millions of people, you decide to get cosmetic surgery to hide your identity. When you get cosmetic surgery to hide your identity, it can go wrong and make you look like a former pop star. When you look like a former pop star, someone captures it on their cellphone…..don’t embarrass yourself at graduation.
Prove You’re a Thinker by Using the Blinker
Today’s cars are a marvel of engineering with many amazing functional pieces of equipment. One functional piece of equipment that comes standard with each vehicle is called a “blinker.” It is usually located on the steering wheel column and it allows you to signal to other drivers that you are making a left or right turn or changing lanes. Once you get used to using your blinker, you might grow to enjoy the “blinker tone,” click..click…click. Folks my age and older sometimes like the blinker tone so much, we leave our blinker on long after we’ve made our turns or changed lanes. Other friendly, helpful drivers pass and give us a gesture reminding us that our blinker is still on.
Mattress Rebel
Until recently, most mattress tags contained the scary statement that removing the tag was illegal and punishable by law. If you do have a mattress with a tag that you want to remove, feel free. The Federal Government has eliminated the Department of Mattress Tag Enforcement to allocate more resources to the GSA and Secret Service party planning and female escort initiatives.
High School Reunions
Now that high school will be in your rear-view mirror, you get to look forward to reunions. Each of them has a different vibe and feel. Since my next reunion will be the 40 Year, I’m guessing what my experience will be at the 40th – 70th .
10 Year – The “Peacock” Reunion. Show off vibe. Typical conversations revolve around money, status, perfect wife and kids, exotic vacations.
20 Year – The “Beaver” Reunion. Busy with career and family obligations, forget serious stuff for a night and enjoy the moment vibe. Typical conversations revolve around how lame the 10 Year Reunion was, mortgage, sick kids, 2nd wife, boss sucks, politics, found a grey hair last week.
30 Year – The “Dolphin” Reunion. Communal, who cares what you were like in high school vibe. Typical conversations revolve around diets, how lame the next generation is, how lame you were in high school, hobbies. Have you tried the guacamole? It’s great!
40 Year – The “Elephant” Reunion. Remember when vibe. Typical conversations revolve around classmates who have passed away. What was your name again? I’m going to need an Advil IV after dancing the “Funky Chicken.”
50 – 70 Year – The “Bear” Reunion. We hibernate most nights at home vibe. Typical conversations revolve around how many classmates will show, how lame the next 2 generations are, why are the drinks so expensive, wished I would have grown my hair down to my shoulders back in the day.Well gotta go, just saw a “Hair Club for Men” commercial and they say I could have shoulder length hair! Nah better not; it would just get in my eyes when I’m doing the “Funky Chicken!”