Mind Droppings from Las Vegas

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. – Steven Wright

I made the yearly sabbatical to the Pac12 Basketball Tournament in Las Vegas last month with the infamous “Allen and the Chiphunks.” We saw some good basketball and not so good gambling performances…Wonder how they can afford to finance all these fancy hotels? The city overwhelms the senses with bright lights, loud music, shouts of elation, groans of disappointment and barriers to fiscal restraint. Here are some of my senseless observations:

Horse Race Wagering – Everything I know about betting on the ponies comes from the ringleader of our group, the “Allen” of our Chiphunks. The betting pros might study odds, track weather, recent horse or jockey performance. We focus on a racetrack in Arkansas called Oaklawn where “Allen” has trod. He knows the track dirt and will guess which horses are shod with the comfortable U.S. made horseshoes vs. inferior Chinese ones by the way they walk into the starting gate. Outside this “insider” information we scientifically make our picks based on horse names that have personal appeal to us. For instance, Flynney (Irish) might choose; Dublindoer or Guinesswinus. Tommy (attorney) Statuteofliberty or Trialbyfire, Allen (Okie) Normanbates or Soonernotlater, Me (new grandpa) Honeybunny or Pacifierflyer. Horse names to avoid; Darthfader, Gatecrasher, Needsajumpstart or Elmer’srecruit.

Las Vegas Shows – There are many fantastic entertainment options including; Le Reve, Cirque Du Soleil – O, Celine Dion, Blue Man Group and Penn & Teller just to name a few. Some show concepts that never made the cut, including; stage remakes of “Hair” – starring Joe Biden, “A Streetcar Named Desire” – featuring Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey, Warner Brothers cartoon, “Trick or Tweet” – animated remake, voice-overs by Adam Schiff and Donald Trump, “The Money Pit” – featuring members of Congress, “Aesop Fables,” narrated by Jussie Smollett and a magic act featuring “The Great Maduro – Making Venezuela Disappear.”                                                                                            

Eating on the Cheap – Want to save on your food budget while in Vegas so you can take the extra $100 and burn invest it at the gambling tables? Travel sites recommend you eat at the resort food courts, buffets with discounted deals and time your eating around Happy Hour. Here are some other less publicized tips; if your dining companions are on special diets and forego the potatoes and bread, ask the server to add that to your order, if not at a buffet. No time to be shy. Try dumpster diving after fast food establishments close. Sometimes they bag and toss perfectly good eats left unordered. When gambling, the casino will provide free drinks. Order a martini and ask for extra olives, a bloody mary, extra celery or have a “seniorita,” Ensure and tequila. Make sure to ask for the full can of Ensure. Here’s hoping any trip you make to Las Vegas is safe and enjoyable. Adding profitable might not be in the cards!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.