Ask Jimmie St. Vrain

Dear Jimmie – I’m hopping mad over an article I read saying Boulder County agencies were going to lethally control, with humane methods, American bullfrogs, then freeze and distribute them to schools for science class dissection. Where is the outcry from Prairie Dog activists or PETA?

Tad Pole

Dear Tad – What jumps up at me is the quote, “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others,” from George Orwell’s, Animal Farm. These bullfrogs are not as adorable as prairie dogs, who if correctly named plague rodents would probably also be dissection material. Developers and farmers experience the most heartburn from PD’s, but they are not on Boulder County’s Christmas-Hanukah-Kwanza-Winter Solstice-Festivus card list. These are “American” bullfrogs after all. If they were Venezuelan or Cuban bullfrogs, they’d be dressed up in little Che Guevara T-Shirts, given a parade and celebrated with an Amphibian Pride Week in Boulder.The extinction method being used is to stun them with electrical shock, then Orajel kiddie gum numbing gel is applied to their little posteriors and they go night-night permanently. Sounds humane, if you’re Hannibal Lecter! PETA has a cow when an animal skin is worn. Where’s their outrage when a little “ribbeter” gets butt-whacked and carved up in a science class? Truth be told, I loved frog legs when I had them a few years ago. Tasted like free-range, comforted with high self-esteem, chicken.

Dear Jimmie – I read the Boulder Country Commissioners voted unanimously in favor of another moratorium on new oil and gas drilling so they could take more time to update its rules under a new state law that gives local governments more authority over well locations. What about consideration for our mineral rights?

Getting Drilled by Boulder County

Dear Drilled – I’m sorry, but you live in the wrong county. Should be in Weld. The three Boulder County Commissioner “apparatchiks” could stop playing this silly game of extending moratoriums based on needing more time to update rules and state their true feelings of disdain for fossil fuel use in Boulder County. I’m speculating, but here are some possible statements they could make to come “clean.”

1. Oil field workers drive Earth destroying diesel pickups, some with gun racks and hate-filled bumper stickers like, “My Truck Burns the Gas Your Prius Saves.”
2. People who support fracking all drink Budweiser or Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, listen to country music and dis Boulder, a city that embraces everyone.
3. We only have 12 years to live due to human-caused climate change unless we stop fracking now! If not, the RTD taxes we have all paid for the Northwest Fastrack Rail line will have been wasted, since it won’t be ready until 2050.
4. If people gave up their large houses for 200 sq. ft. tiny homes they could survive without a heater in the winter, air conditioning in the summer and quit using natural gas. By having a smaller living space, the body heat of two people will provide adequate warmth for the winter. Hand fans popular in the late 19^th and early 20^th centuries could provide enough cooling during the hot summer months and it’s a good workout for your arms. Two people living in a prison cell usually have half this sq. footage.

Jimmie St. Vrain claims to be Johnnie St. Vrain’s wiseguy brother and Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.