Diary of a coronavirus hermit

Day 1 – Got woke (from sleep, not more consciously awake). Took inventory of toilet paper stock: # of individual sheets per roll x number of rolls. Spent 30 minutes re-rolling individual roll. Showered, reviewed wardrobe options. Decided on sweats and T-shirt. Made coffee and read the paper. Articles included: “COVID-19: Wash your hands frequently. Avoid touching your face unless wearing welding gloves. Sneeze and cough into a tissue (don’t use toilet paper, need to conserve your supply) or your elbow.” Organized sock drawer. Exercised at home. Sanitized hands and went to bed.

Day 2 – Woke up after dreaming I was naked in a grocery store looking for hot dogs and baked beans. The bagger asked if I wanted paper or plastic to cover up. I went with paper and made a recyclable pair of pants. Dressed in sweats and T-shirt after checking our paper bag supply. Checked if my toilet paper was 2-ply, in case I needed to separate sheets to double my inventory. Made coffee and read the paper. Articles included: “COVID-19 events and business closures”; “COVID-19 things could get worse, but don’t panic.” Walked outside with the dog. Sanitized his paws and my hands after returning. Watched sporting programs on ESPN including: Championship log rolling with square logs, and I got wrapped up in watching anaconda wrestling.

Day 3 – Woke up. Was careful to wash my hands after showering. Was headed to the grocery store, so I dressed up in sweats and a T-shirt. Made coffee and read the paper. Articles included: “COVID-19 ticking time bomb: You might already have it with no symptoms!”; “COVID-19 a bull in a china shop!” Went to the grocery store and didn’t need to sanitize a grocery cart, since none were available. First toilet paper, now grocery carts, what will be hoarded next? Walked past hot dogs, double checked to make sure I was dressed. Picked up a few items and noticed many aisles were barren. Some items were still available, like pickled pigs’ feet and herring. Went home and sanitized the car steering wheel.

Day 4 – Woke up after having a nightmare. Boulder County Commissioners were demonstrating how to use bidets and mandating all residents must install them in their bathrooms. Didn’t shower. Haven’t shaved for days. Put on gym shorts and T-shirt. Might need new T-shirts, went on Amazon looking for one that says, “Swine Flu Survivor.” Made coffee and read the paper. Articles included: “COVID-19 toilet paper hoarding: What would Freud Say?”; “COVID-19: How to celebrate a birthday using a virtual birthday cake.” Exercised while watching a program that was selling a wearable 6-foot distance warning detector.

Day 5 – Woke up. Didn’t shower again. Wore gym shorts and T-shirt I’d worn to bed. Made coffee and didn’t read the paper. Turned on the local news and heard: “COVID-19 the new depression”; “COVID-19: Eating tree bark in an emergency.” Collected toilet paper spools. I’d come up with a brainstorm. Take spools, some fishing line and wood to make “Silent wind chimes.” They’d blow against each other in the wind without the annoying noise of regular chimes. Possible Christmas gifts. Went to get the mail as the mail delivery guy pulled up. Think my Zombie-like appearance scared him. He waved and hustled on. Maybe it was my shorts and flip-flops in 30-degree weather. My toenails and fingernails were long, but not Howard Hughesian.

We’re all in this together and will make it through this crisis. Unless the toilet paper supply is wiped out!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.