Predictions are tough, even for the most famous prognosticator, Nostradamus. This 16th century French apothecary (medieval pharmacist) and reputed seer published collections of prophecies or quatrains about events hundreds of years into the future that have since become famous worldwide, but are open to misinterpretation. A popular legend states that he attempted the ancient method of water gazing to go into a “trance like” state to see reflections of future events. I’m predicting that he probably wasn’t very popular at 16th century “pool” parties. Party host Duke of Croissant says, “what’s up with your brother?” All he does is stare into the pool talking to himself.” “I apologize, he won’t even take time to give me the results from next weeks jousting matches,” said Yestradamus (Nostradamus’s younger, more hip brother). As I sit here gazing into a scotch bottl….er pitcher of iced tea trying to discern local events yet to happen in 2013, here’s what I predict:
Maya Goodbya
The Mayan Calendar based prediction that the world would end on 12/21/12 didn’t happen. I have information from a reliable source (his Aunt dated a Mayan guy) that the Mayan scribe, Gotsum-Iritable-Bowell who carved the Long Count Calendar calculations into stone was actually dyslexic. Based on an always credible late night AM radio show, I heard the new “End of World” date moves to 12/21/21.
Main Street Dismount Zone
The Longmont Downtown Development Authority implements a dismount zone specifically for bike riders and skateboarders, but the City’s legal team not wanting the ordinance to specifically single out the bikers and boarders, includes an exhaustive list of modes of transportation requiring a dismount, here’s a sampling: persons or cute animals riding the following: dogs, cows, pigs, horses (includes stick ponies), camels, elephants, emu, gnu, goa, (Segway to non-animal modes), Shriner minicycles, unicycles, clown cars, Soap Box Derby cars, “Big Wheels”, rodeo clown barrels, Mini-Coopers, shopping carts, balance balls. Persons using a jet pack, “Jetson” car, Star Wars speeder bike, podracer or cloud car that maintain a minimum height of 10′ above the sidewalk will be exempt from the dismount ordinance, but might face the wrath of the CQS (Citizens for Quiet Skies) airport noise droids.
Squirrel’s Gone Bad
In 2012, several TC line contributors complained about squirrels being noisy, destructive tree-rats and that the city needed to help alleviate this problem. Well in 2013 the city has enough on it’s plate with the pending revenue hit from the Fracking Ban, hope they’ve “rat-holed” plenty of money. I predict part of the Boulder County Environmental Sustainability plan will include a 50% match of the cost for Longmont citizens to hire world famous Caesar Salad, “The Squirrel Whisperer” to come and help work with them and their yard-mates. Caesar believes there are no bad squirrels just bad human custodians. He teaches the disgruntled custodians to change their attitudes and to talk calmly with their squirrels in a soothing friendly voice. Instead of “Hey you furry little humping machine, get off my bird feeder.” They are taught to say, “Hi Mr or Ms squirrel, isn’t it a wonderful day? Would you like to come sit by me, while I finish my coffee and whittle for a while?”
RTD Fare increase
Another fare increase is implemented by the “Reason to Drive” monopoly. Cue “Money for Nothing” by the band Dire Straits.

Well gotta go. I recorded the latest episode of “The Squirrel Whisperer” and Caesar Salad is going to show how to train a squirrel to saddle up and ride your family dog. Remember to dismount your furry buddy should you take them on Main Street next year. Utzul Mank’inal (Happy Holidays – rough translation in Mayan)