Dear Jimmie – I read that Governor Polis has appointed three Boulder community leaders to serve on a new state board tasked with evaluating public landmarks with racist or controversial names and making official recommendations to him. Why did he appoint three Boulder leaders? How about some state diversity on this board?

Dennis the Deplorable Menace

Well, Mr. Menace – I’m breathlessly awaiting their recommendations. One recommendation I would heartily welcome is changing the name of Climax, Colorado to something like “Payoff,” “Jiggly Wiggly,” or “Oh My God.” Seriously, here are some names I would focus on changing under the board’s mandate:

No Name, Colorado: The 2010 census population was 123. It is located east of Glenwood Springs, off Exit 119 of Interstate 70 in Glenwood Canyon. It is named for No Name Creek and No Name Canyon. I would recommend it be renamed, “Climax.”

Colorado: Means “Colored Red’ in Spanish. Isn’t this cultural appropriation? Could also be offensive to Native Americans. How about changing the name to “Cannabis de Peaks?”

Denver: Named after the Kansas Territory Governor in the 1860s who might or might not have supported the “Lecompton Act” allowing the Territory to become a slave-owning entity. My recommendation is Denver be replaced with the name “Syringe Town”.

Cheesman Park: Named after Walter Cheesman. An early Denver capitalist. In 1868 he, John Evans and David H. Moffat began work to build the Denver Pacific Railroad to Cheyenne, Wyoming. If Mount Evans name is going to be changed, then Cheesman Park needs to be changed to its original cemetery name of “Prospect Hill.” 

Longmont: Named after Stephen Long US Army Explorer in the early 1800s. After finding and naming Longs Peak and the Rocky Mountains, his group journeyed down the South Platte River to the Arkansas River watershed. They ran into hostile Indians and had to eventually eat their horses. Talk about animal cruelty! My recommendation is Longmont be replaced with “Progmont.”

Boulder: C’mon Man! A city named after a common rock? Needs to revert to the original name, “Nannieville” in honor of one of its first settlers, Imur Nannie.

Fort Collins, Fort Morgan, Fort Lupton: These names point to our White militaristic agenda of stealing lands from the Native peoples. I recommend “Fort” be dropped from each name and replaced with popular drink names, “Tom Collins,” “Captain Morgan,” and “Martini Lupton,” (uses radishes instead of olives).

The following terms aren’t geographic related, but require consideration:

White Water Rafting: Connotates an activity reserved for Caucasian privilege. Suggest the name be changed to “Angry or Agitated Water Rafting.”

White Out:  Should no longer describe a blizzard or correction fluid but should now refer to: “replacing people without color with people of color.”

These are some of my suggestions. One last change I’d like to offer refers to this board’s name, Colorado Geographic Naming Advisory Board. This name seems so sterile and boring. How about “Blast the Past” Board, “Making History Great Again” Board or my favorite: “Party Like Its 1984” Board.

 Jimmie St. Vrain claims to be Johnnie St. Vrain’s wiseguy brother. Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.