“A joke about communism isn’t funny unless…everyone gets it.”

– Anonymous

Salutations Comrades – Being pure in thought with the emerging Collective State, my predictions are respectful of the things they do to guide us towards an enlightened, Utopian tomorrow. They sacrifice managing their lives to manage ours, especially during Covid. Speaking of Covid…

…Masks worn by women, besides reducing the spread of the virus, have shown to reduce men’s attraction and inherent sexism towards them. Men want to view women’s mouths to obtain approval by a smile or imagine what a kiss would be like. Continued wearing of the masks enable women to stand shoulder to shoulder with men to advance the ideals of the Collective. Speaking of advancing ideals…

…Taking a “Father Knows Best” approach, Longmont City Council passed a resolution unanimously and sent a letter imploring the Weld County Commissioners to follow the governor’s COVID-19 restrictions. In 2021, these defenders of the State will pass resolutions and send letters to Weld County requesting they curtail all livestock production due to methane gas’s negative effect on Climate Change. Another resolution and letter will request all oil production, including fracking, be halted. Weld County will probably send back a picture of a cow expelling methane towards a tiny windmill with the caption, “Problem Solved.” This type of rebellious, flippant behavior needs to be dealt with when future “re-education” camps are established. Speaking of re-education…

…K-12 and college educators will rename American History classes as “Eurocentric Colonization” studies and re-enlist Ward Churchill to help develop the curriculum. Also, increased focus will be on leaders that shaped the Collective world. New classes will be introduced using the following books: “Population Control, Ahead of His Time?” by Chairman Mao, “Decisive Management Steps to Address Poor Attitudes” by Joseph Stalin and Che Guevara’s “Making a Killing Selling Capitalists T-Shirts and Rope.” Speaking of rope…

…Longmont will continue to be tied to our transportation partner, RTD, who will request a tax increase and launch a new marketing campaign titled; “Take Us for a Ride.” This campaign encourages citizens to leave their cars at home for local trips and ride for free. Seats are always available. Riders who reach 20 trips will receive free yard signs stating, “I Got Taken for a Ride and So Can You.”  An RTD spokesperson commented, “Longmont has been such a great team player over the years. Their progressive, unselfish attitude has helped the entire district. RTD continues to be fully transparent to our patrons.” Speaking of transparency…

…A cutting-edge architectural concealment company proposes to Boulder County Commissioners, Longmont City council and property owner to use its camouflage, smoke and mirrors technology to hide the visually polluting Sugar Factory site. The proposal is approved unanimously with only a cost of $3M. It would be funded from the county and city’s Open Space fund. A spokesperson for Boulder County Commissioners stated, “this project dovetails with our “Beautification” initiative and since you won’t see the Sugar Factory after the work, this qualifies as Open Space. What an exciting way to start the New Year!” Speaking of New Year…

…Happy Chinese New Year!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.