Greetings, Masked Marauders. I want to assure you all efforts have been made to vaccinate & boost this year’s predictions from the following dreaded writing viruses: obvious predictability, “dime a dozen” cliches, lack of pacing, like you know sentences that are too long or have too many words in them, unrealistic situations and characters, failure to check if they’re are misused or mispeled words and this horrible variant I’ve really, really tried to avoid: extreme snarkiness masquerading as sarcasm. Speaking of masquerading…

…Longmont City Council, in an effort to quell the adverse reactions to holding virtual meetings again, implement a concession by having cardboard cutouts or bobblehead dolls of the mayor and themselves sitting in the chamber with video monitors in front of them broadcasting the virtual meeting feed. The public can attend the meetings in person and comment as long as they are masked, practicing social distancing, provide proof of vaccination and are not concealing any rotten tomatoes. Speaking of produce, like sugar beets…

…Starting next year, public comments will be taken on redeveloping the sugar factory and STEAM area (science, technology, education and arts) on 250 acres southeast of Longmont. I predict some sugar factory ideas suggested will include, a Willy Wonka Candy Museum, indoor mall including Dillard’s clothing store, toilet paper distribution center and my personal favorite: new indoor swimming pool, ice skating/hockey arena, recreation center and sports bar housed in the newly named “Sugar Cube.” Speaking of cubes or other shapes…

…The Boulder County Commissioners will announce one of the 2022 Environmental Sustainability Grants recipientsto Longmont for its proposed funding of $100,000. This grant will support a company named “Nice to Have Gnome You,” which reduces the land needed for cemeteries by taking cremation remains and using heat and pressure to compress your loved ones into decorative yard gnomes. Their slogan is, “Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust, Displaying Your Gnome is a Must!” Speaking of Gnomes and Covid experts…

…A new Covid variant will be discovered called “pharmarichhysteriacocus.” Symptoms include excessive media verbal panic diarrhea, uncontrolled head shaking/finger-wagging in public, mask-wearing while driving, sleeping and showering. The new booster for this variant must be administered in the buttocks using an Amazonian indigenous native’s blowgun to get the dart deep enough. Speaking of posteriors…

…RTD will agree to refund a portion of the tax collected since 2004 for the “Ghost” FasTracks train line for Boulder County. It’s estimated over $270M has been sent to RTD since the tax was approved. While they will agree in principle to a partial refund, they first need to commission a study to determine the correct amount. The cost of the study is estimated to be $269.9M. A refund would be made after study completion late next year. Speaking of next year…

…Hope you have a safe and sane holiday and a wonderful 2022. Happy New Year!

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.