Male, n. A member of the unconsidered or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly know (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.

Ambrose Bierce – The Devil’s Dictionary

Well maybe Ol’ Ambrose’s definition of women’s attitude towards men is a little harsh and a sweeping indictment, he wasn’t called “Bitter Bierce” for nothing. Portrayals of men in popular culture hasn’t been very flattering over the past decades. Either we’re a bunch of bumbling idiots or maniacal killing machines. Recent news that women are either the leading or sole breadwinners in American households has spurred some people to ask the question: Why do we need men? Nationally syndicated columnists and authors Maureen Dowd and Kathleen Parker have inquired. Dowd wrote a book in 2005 titled, “Are Men Necessary?” Parker wrote in a recent column, “Despite certain imperfections, men are fundamentally good and sort of pleasant to have around. Most women still like to fall in love with them; all children want a father no matter how often we try to persuade ourselves otherwise.” In defense of my testosterone teammates, I’ve compiled the following reasons why I believe men are still needed:

Lid Liberators – You’ve got girlfriends over for a wedding shower or a jewelry party (I don’t know what’s in vogue now, remember I’m a male) and you break out your prized canned beets, but the lid on the jar is on tighter than a pair of 70’s jeans. Everyone gives it a shot, but due to fingernail concerns or “NFE” (no forearms evident), the lid stays put. But wait, you summon Mr. Man, who is downstairs watching “Lawn Bowling with Yard Gnomes” or “Caddyshack” for the 50th time. This is the perfect audience for him, as he nonchalantly grips the jar and applies his no sweat twist….voila, the lids off without missing a beet.
Keepers of the Barbeque Flame – Notice who is “manning” the grill when it’s time to put a char on a piece of meat or soy burger? Men. There is a genetic explanation for this. After many millennium, men’s hands have perfectly evolved to provide a perfect fit for a beer can and a BBQ implement. Oh sure women can grill, but they are going against nature in doing so.
Bump in the Night Responders – It’s 2am in the morning and there’s an unfamiliar sound in another part of your house. Guess who usually gets the nod to go investigate? You’re right! The XY Chromie Homie. We aren’t excited to do it, but feel it’s our duty to protect home and hearth, besides it’s a good excuse to visit the bathroom.
Movie Quote Reciters – Need a quote from a movie for Trivial Pursuit or a conversation? Many men can spend hours talking to buddies using nothing more than famous quotes from movies and then laugh at ones they’ve heard hundreds of times. Women, use this resource…..most guys are much more personable than “Google,” and we won’t track you’re buying habits.
Fashion or Hairdo Cheerleaders – Don’t we all appreciate a positive comment about how we look? Especially when we’ve left the torn shirt and sweatpants at home and dressed up. Do women appreciate a nice comment from a man (not with an ulterior motive) regarding their clothes or hair? I think most do. If men are gone, then women will be totally dependent on other women making positive comments. That is all I can safely say on this subject. Well gotta go. I just heard my wife yell that I needed to run to the backyard and relocate a garter snake to a less public part of our garden……I needed to add that to the list…..Garter Snake Relocators. Happy Father’s Day!