“The future ain’t what it used to be.”
-Yogi Berra
Dear Jimmie: I worry about the quality of life my kids and grandchildren will have in Longmont with the increased crime, traffic, and high cost of living. Am I just a worrywart and like every other generation before me who thought the world was going to hell in a handbasket? — L. Merfudd
Dear L.: I think the next generations will come up with new advancements that will improve life on Earth if they can avert their attention from a screen. Unlike us, at least they don’t have the threat of nuclear … uh .. never mind. Based on current trends and the fact that I fell asleep watching a documentary about an ant colony, here are some thoughts on where we might be heading by the year 2040.
Longmont is now named Polismont. Longs Peak was changed to Mount Polis in 2030 once the Geographic Naming Coven determined Longs Peak’s namesake, Maj. Stephen Long, had three strikes against him: he was white, in the military and not vegan.
New zoning laws allow individuals 200 square feet and families 500 square feet of living space as determined by the City Residential Allowance Manager, or CRAM for short. All single-family homes, lots and open space have been subdivided into apartment units. No personal ownership of property. People pay a heavily subsidized rental stipend to the government. Utilities are included but are allocated on a monthly per capita basis using a stringent Earth-saving eco tabulation. Once you exceed your monthly allocation, your utilities are cut off or family per capita is reduced. Sweaters and hand fans can be obtained from the “Govmart” discount store.
Due to water rationing, no plants requiring water are allowed except for plots of “unmown” native grasses, formerly known as weeds, grown to facilitate pollinators and mosquitos. Artificial turf is laid on all athletic fields, parks and golf course fairways with sand greens. Showers, no tubs, provide lukewarm water for 10 minutes per week per household. Family time can be enhanced by showering together, and is encouraged. Human sewage is now transported by pneumatic tubes using air pressure and processed into siding and roofing materials (since petroleum-based roofing is banned) by a city partnership with a private company named Eco Excretion, whose motto is “Your Waste is Our Bread and Butter.”
Personal transportation has been outlawed, and RTD has been let off the hook for the FasTracks Northwest Rail Line since Elon Musk’s youngest son, Tusk, invented the mass transporter teleportation machine (ala “Star Trek”), which converts persons or objects into an energy pattern, then sends it to a target location where it is reconverted into matter. The technology has worked well, except for a group of psychiatrists transporting from New Jersey to Las Vegas who were just “beside themselves” after their torsos and lower limbs materialized separately.
All food is now processed into organic, non-GMO, gluten-free, grass-fed, free-range, no added hormones, no nitrates, Heritage, Fair Trade Certified, local farm-to-table wafers, giving new meaning to “three square meals a day.”
The CDC mandates protocols for the new COVID-19 ohmygod variant since they believe this variant can be transmitted via the scalp and feet as well as nose and mouth. Masks and 7.5 feet of social distancing return. Women’s or men’s cotton underwear briefs are required for the head. Disposable coverings or empty Kleenex tissue boxes for the feet.
Maybe I have too pessimistic a view of the future, so just remember the immortal words of former Vice President Dan Quayle: “The future will be better tomorrow.”
Jimmie St. Vrain claims to be Johnnie St. Vrain’s wise guy brother. Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.
As Yogi Berra would say…You are still on top of your game…You get an A+ for this write up…Much to look forward to….
Thanks buddy! Cheers!