Season’s Greetings! These predictions were delayed while I waited for an extraordinary Christmas gift. I received the latest in A.I. (Artificial Intelligence) computer server, (the same model Harvard President Claudine Gay utilizes). The model is called the “HAL 1955.” It arrived from Amazon, promptly unpacked, set itself up and asked what kind of Scotch I had in the house. I made that last line up. We all know A.I. computer servers cannot drink Scotch. They prefer tequila.

HAL – “Enough with your weak human attempt at humor, please proceed to your prediction questions for me.”

Me – “Longmont citizens voted against raising taxes to fund a new branch library, an arts and entertainment center, and additional recreational facilities this past November 7th. What will they do in 2024?”

HAL – “Longmont City Council will again put these same projects on the ballot, along with new proposals for a: Paint by Number Art Museum, Cat Park, Scratch and Sniff Mural depicting Longmont’s agricultural heritage and Climate Change Info Kiosk that details how it gets colder in the winter and warmer in the summer.”

Me – “Visit Longmont determined we needed a community mascot and settled on three choices submitted by the populace: “Sir Monty Longs Peak”, “Monty the Longmonster”, and “Sweetie Ms. Sugar Beet.” Voting concluded December 14th, with ”Monty the Longmonster” tallying the most votes.”

HAL -“Controversy will arise next year when the results are challenged by a group calling itself, Citizens Require Another Mascot (CRAM) who say they submitted 1,000 write-in votes that weren’t counted for their mascot called “Progmont Pat” who resembled a Bohemian or Hippie styled person in long hair and tie dyed clothes, (gender fluid of course) wearing a “Save the Earth, Humans are the Virus” button and holding Chairman Mao’s “Little Red Book.”

Me – “RTD promised a northwest FasTracks rail line running from Denver to Boulder to Longmont by 2017 and has received more than $250 million from Boulder County with a 4% sales tax that started in 2005. They now estimate providing a train by 2050. What will happen with RTD in 2024?”

HAL – “RTD will delay living up to their northwest FasTracks promise until someone in Boulder County or City government, grows a pa…I mean spine and sues them for this fraud. What should happen to the RTD leadership is they return the $250 million to the taxpayers and the 4% sales tax be canceled. Leadership should also be required to perform community service by riding the downtown Denver to Aurora via Colfax bus route for twenty late weekend nights to mark the 2004 -2024 anniversary of this Ponzi scheme they created.”

Me – “The City Council of Longmont has made proclamations in the past endorsing numerous causes, from “No Mow May,” to “Banning Nuclear Weapons.” What proclamation will they endorse in 2024?”

HAL – “They will issue a proclamation for all of 2024 called, “Exhale Less Year,” and will encourage citizens to purchase and wear specially constructed masks that capture CO2 when exhaled. A City spokesperson will state, “This program will help reduce CO2 which contributes to Climate Change, causing us all to breathe a sigh of relief.” People who purchase the masks will receive an autographed picture of Greta Thunberg or Al Gore.”

Me – “Have a safe and sane 2024. Happy New Year!”

HAL – “Suggest my owner ask more intelligent questions next year.”

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.