“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.” – attributed to Dan Quayle

The 2024 Election is fading in the rearview mirror of the partisan bus that yielded either happy riders or those run over. After such a stressful season of election message bombardment, it is important to remember that Colorado still has a safe and secure voting system with transparency (including passwords) being as important as avoiding sending mailers to encourage non-citizens to register to vote. But that’s all ballots in the trash now. Much like a scuba diver needing to surface slowly and incrementally to avoid the bends, here are some post-election emotional decompression tips:

Political ads: The mudslinging on political ads was epic, and opponents characterized each other as worse than Manson Family members. As part of your recovery, find a person with long fingernails willing to scrape a chalkboard while you chew on a ball of aluminum foil, then listen to a recording of “The Best of Yoko Ono,” while sitting in an ice bath.

Political analysts/polls: Speaking of shrinkage and reputations. There’s a reason analyst starts with “anal,” especially when referring to the political ones. Listening to the constant droning by political analysts and pollsters’ inaccurate predictions made one wonder if their sample size was limited to Caucasian cisgender and transgender males of Slovakian descent who were bald and had at least one visible tattoo. Most were about as accurate as the fire marshall saying a smoking section on the Hindenburg was completely safe. As part of your therapy, it’s suggested you listen to the breakthrough albums “All or Nothing” and “Girl You Know It’s True” by Milli Vanilli, sponsored by Chapstick, sponsor of lip-synching worldwide.

Bumper stickers: Speaking of lips. Many expletives were uttered from motorists on both sides of the political spectrum when viewing the opposing sides sticker. To heal from this divisiveness, I suggest you cover those stickers with something like, “My Child or Grandchild is an Honor Student,” or “I Believe in a Better World Where Chickens Can Cross the Road Without Having Their Motives Questioned.” Try to avoid stickers such as, “We Won, You Lost, Now Get Lost,” or “She’s Just Biden Her Time Until 2028.”

Texts and emails: Speaking of expletives. Annoying texts and emails asking for money and/or support from candidates encroached on our privacy and probably produced a callous on your “delete” finger. To recover from this intrusion, I recommend you subscribe to either “Groupon” or “Living Social,” the biggest spammers around, so at least you feel like someone is offering you a deal and value for your money.

Debates: Speaking of value or lack thereof. At one time in our political election history, debates had a structure and fairness that provided voters with information on a candidate’s position on specific issues. Today’s current debate structure reminds me of my zoo visits to the primate house where the inhabitants flung feces at the glass divider and howled derisively. As part of immersion therapy, I suggest you view recordings of the most raucous British Parliament sessions where polite discourse goes to die. After viewing a few of these, you will have a hard time not believing primates are our distant relatives. I hope these suggestions help you recover your focus on the future and emotional equilibrium. By the way, only 455 days until the 2026 midterm election primaries.

Kris Harris moved here in 1960 and is a product of Longmont Public Schools and the University of Northern Colorado. He believes sarcasm deserves to be taken seriously.