Made the annual trek to “We’re So Glad to See You, Now Empty Your Pockets” (Las Vegas) with my good pals, Nelly, Iron Mike and MFO (My Favorite Okie) last week for the Pac-12 and Mountain West Basketball Tournaments. We saw great contests with sweating individuals striving against all odds to master their opponents and win. Then we left the “Blackjack” tables to go watch the basketball games…Every school has individuals that sacrifice much, train for years, exhibit school pride and don the sweaty, itchy uniform that represents the school mascot. You know them by the company they keep…..the exuberant school band, the sprightly cheerleaders and the nodding off security guard sitting nearby, hoping he doesn’t have to move to keep fans from spilling onto the floor. While watching a contest between the basketeers from UCLA and Stanford, a time out was called and the Stanford mascot trundled out onto the court. I expected to see a costumed heroic individual or an aggressive, powerful animal leap onto the court to incite and motivate the faithful to greater cheers. I just about choked on my “Dippin-Dots” when I gazed upon the Stanford mascot….it was a tree or shrub looking monstrosity derived from “El Palo Alto”, a redwood tree on both the official seal of the University and the municipal seal of Palo Alto, Stanford’s nearby city. I sat frozen, with “Dippin-Dots” on my lips and a slack-jawed stare. A tree or shrub as an unofficial mascot? Seeing this would have driven Bobby Knight to throw the whole dining room set across the floor+ and Jerry Tarkanian to bite clean through his lucky towel*. The official Stanford team name is “Cardinal,” the color…you know deep red. Guess the tree makes more sense than a color swatch running around. Maybe I need to broaden the scope of my Cro-Magnon twitchings and uber macho sensibilities. The Stanford shrub or tree may be ahead of the politically correct curve. We really need other teams to get onboard the PC train and get a move on. Some of my mascot makeover suggestions are:

Colorado State University “Ewe-Hoos,” formerly Rams. Ok, Rams suggest aggressive and male, but darn it…women make up 50% of the population and 100% of the key decision makers, when you pull the wool off our eyes.

University of Colorado “Chipaloes,” formerly Buffaloes. To be exact, Bison roamed the Plains not Buffaloes, but this change should satisfy PETA. Instead of “Ralphie” leading the charges out on those bright autumnal Saturdays, “Chip” the “bipedal” mascot will be let loose with two red-eyed Cheech and Chong look a likes tethered and leading him/her/it around the football field and into the stock trailer.

University of Wyoming “Cowpersons,” formerly Cowboys. More gender neutral and how can we allow the “Pistol Pete” mascot to carry six shooter guns in his holster? Time to soften his 1800’s image and replace his guns with bottles of sarsaparilla.

San Diego State “Lardtecs,” formerly Aztecs. A fierce looking warrior dressed as an Aztec needs to be replaced by a mascot representing a lesser know tribe shown in temple ruin drawings as portly, eating what looks to be triangle shaped maize objects that have been dipped in a bowl with a red sauce…..yes this is the seldom mentioned “Lardtecs.” Known more for their fierce eating style and gluttony, only fighting for seconds at the Mesoamerica buffet. The mascot costume will probably need to be inhabited by a “big boned” person.

University of Nevada Las Vegas “Disenfranchised Southerners,” formerly Rebels. Just going along with the current trend to revise history. All the athletic teams will have to have a much smaller letter font on their uniforms…..I would sure miss their current chant, “Rebbb…els, Rebbb…els.”

Well gotta go, my little “Ewe-Hoo” (wife) just brought some triangle shaped maize objects with sauce down to me, “Roll Lardtecs Roll!”

 

+ Former U of Indiana Basketball coach…1985 chair throwing incident vs Purdue U.

*Former UNLV Basketball coach….always chewed a towel during games.