Dear Comrade Jeemie:
It was learned that you recently traveled to Bucharest, Romania for business. How is this known by me you ask? We have our ways…..what, you think I let Edward Snowden go to the Bolshoi Ballet every evening or watch “Dallas” and “Love Boat” reruns while taking pleasure from our vodka and caviar. Nyet! As you know Romania lies on the western edge of the Black Sea, we now surround the east and north sides with the addition of Crimea. Romania also was spoiled child marching to their own drum while in the Warsaw Pact when Soviet Union was the #1 Superpower and you Americans, how do you say, quacked in your boots! So average American, what is your opinion, should I create trouble within Romania to use as an excuse to invade as first step in re-establishing the Warsaw Pact? Kind of like my favorite American movie, “The Blues Brothers,” where Jake and Elwood say, “We’re putting the band back together.” I cannot watch this movie too much, and have, how you say, spewered milk out my nose while watching. The guards that witnessed this are now stationed at an important missile site in Siberia. Your answer to my question is required……invade? Da or Nyet!

Vladimir Putin

Czar President of Russia

Dear Vlad:
Ok, Ok, Keep your shirt on! It’s spewed milk, not spewered, and quaked in our boots, not quacked. One of my pet peeves is when Megalomaniac’s like yourself, can’t get our American phrases correct! I did visit Bucharest recently and they don’t miss the Soviet and Communist elites that sucked the life out of the majority of people back during the Warsaw Pact days. Here’s my average American opinion. Employ your Napoleonic complex and invade. Pay no attention to the fact that the Romanian people have for millennia withstood encroachments by Persians, Macedonians, Romans, Goths, Huns, Slavs, Mongols and Magyars (sounds like a Heavy Metal Bands festival) I want you to also overlook the minor detail of Vlad Tepes the “Impaler of Wallachia,” taking on hordes of Ottoman Turks in the 1400’s intent on conquering and converting the “Infidels” to Islam. Vlad and his armies annihilated the Turks and Vlad displayed his victims skewered on posts for miles. Being the modern “Vlad,” you shouldn’t be concerned that the whole Dracula and Vampire phenomenon originated in Romania. You do know that Vlad Tepes was part of the House of Dracul (Dragon) hence the Dracula story evolved. Being a rational person….I’m sure the fear of you offending blood sucking eternal beings with supernatural powers doesn’t worry you. And I’m sure you know of the Romani (Gypsies) only 3% of the population, but you probably know to never get sideways with them….or a curse could be coming your way. One other interesting tidbit….back in 1989 when the Soviet Union imploded, Romanians decided to terminate the dominion and lives of Communist Dictator Ceaușescu and his wife. So go ahead, no do not cross red lines drawn here. Or maybe you could follow another line from “The Blues Brothers” movie, “We’re on a mission from God.” Try dialing back this whole “global dominance” obsession. Russia is already a huge country, work on making it more livable. Do more fishing, hunting, bear wrestling, with or without a shirt. You deserve a little R&R, what after the Olympics and having this job for three terms and one as puppet master over Medvedev. Take a lesson from our leader and go on more vacations, learn to play golf. Well gotta go, Vlad don’t be a stranger…….ach….snork! I just spewered coffee out my nose…..saw your latest topless picture showing you practicing a judo move on a gray whale.